Second Blooming

Best Laid Plans

Anybody who's been hanging out around here for any length of time knows that I love me a good list. I'm the Queen of Bullet Points. I enjoy using bullet points for the following reasons...

• They help organize my addled brain.
• They help organize my addled brain.
• They help organize my addled brain.

When I'm planning for a holiday event, oh, say...Thanksgiving, I make copious lists using copious amounts of bullet points, and sometimes...an ordered list. I enjoy using an ordered list for the following reasons...

1. It helps me remember the order...
2. in which I should organize...
3. my addled brain. 

So since next week is Thanksgiving, and Jimmy's Aunt Grace is coming to stay with us for 9 (9! 9! Did I mention 9?!) days starting on Monday, I have filled an entire legal pad with lists made with my favorite good pen. Lists such as...

Things to do before Grace arrives

• Clean porch.
• Steam clean carpets.
• Hang curtains in Jude's bathroom.
• Haul all the Halloween crap back up into the attic.
• Haul all the Thanksgiving crap down out of the attic.
• Hang all the pictures back up in the kitchen. [Did I mention that I repainted the kitchen during my blogging hiatus? No? Ah, another post.]

And...

Thursday Timeline

1. Make giblet broth.
2. Make chocolate pie.
3. Make sweet potatoes.
4. Roast turkey.
5. Whip cream for pie.
6. Make gravy.
7. Heat  stuffing.
8. Heat mashed potatoes.
9. Put together salad.
10. Carve turkey.
11. Put together Brussels sprouts.
12. Rolls! [Rolls gets an exclamation point because I always forget to put them in the oven!]

Many, many things to do. Very, very organized. But then...

Sinus infection. Sigh.

• Misery
• Z-Pacs
• Prednisone
• nasal spray
• DayQuil
• NyQuil
• Vitamin C
• steam, steam, steam
• Bed rest.

So every day I've been lying in bed staring at my lists, unable to check one single thing off them. Bummer, man. 

An interesting side effect of all this wasted time is that I have...

• Spent a little too much time shopping on the internet. We now own... 1. a new 6 foot folding table which I'm setting up in the corner of the dining room to use as a buffet (smart!). 2. a new non-lumpy mattress pad for Grace to sleep on. 3. a new dishwasher that actually washes dishes! Hurray pre-Black Friday sales!
• Fussed and obsessed over the Thanksgiving menu far too much. I mean, I have changed this damned menu so many times it's ridiculous. 

Here is the menu as of today...

• Turkey. Dry brined with this recipe HERE. Which I used last year to excellent results.
• Gravy. Oh man, Mama's Good Gravy.
• Cornbread Stuffing. With sage sausage and cranberries and pecans.
• Brown Butter Mashed Potatoes.
• Sweet Potatoes with Bourbon and Maple. Because...bourbon.
• Shaved Brussels Sprouts with Pecans and Parmesan.
• Fresh Goat Cheese and Radicchio Salad with Figs. 
• Mama's Chocolate Cream Pie.
• Apple Pie.

When you look at this list, you will see the areas over which I may have had too much time to think. Like...pretty much all the side dishes are little outside the box. A little...chefy. No green bean casserole. But I don't care, they're getting their turkey and stuffing. They can give the Brussels sprouts and radicchio a try. This is a deviation for me, I am usually of the firm belief that nobody wants anything healthy or green for Thanksgiving. Just carbs and fat. But we'll see. It's something new.

You will also notice that I don't have any kind of appetizer on the menu. I have, over the past week, had about 45 different appetizers on this list, but I keep changing my mind. Nothing sounds good. Here are my issues with the Thanksgiving appetizer...

• I want something for people to nibble on, but don't want it to be too heavy so they fill up.
• Jimmy always wants something seafood because he's a seafood freak, but nobody but Jimmy and Lynn want to eat it. It's a constant argument.
• It needs to be something that I can make completely ahead of time - the last thing I need is more last minute work. I need a dip or something I can make the day before and just stick out, no complicated canapes that need to be put together right at the same time I need to be making that good gravy.

Does anybody have any ideas? Seriously, I need help here. A favorite Thanksgiving appetizer that is a real crowd pleaser?

So here I am, staring at my lists and hacking up phlegm when I should be hauling crap in and out of the attic. 

Rosa's here today (see previous post for explanation of this new member of the Second Blooming family), thank the good Lord. She took one look at me, wheezing and moaning and said in her kindest voice (and again, please forgive me if the voice of Rosa is a bit like Consuela on Family Guy)...

ROSA

Oh, you seeeek?

GRETCHEN

(sadly sick)

Yes.

ROSA

You cook turkeys?

GRETCHEN

Yes, everybody's coming here.

ROSA

How much peoples?

GRETCHEN

Thirteen, counting the kids.

ROSA

Is too much peoples! You cook too many food! Is too 

much work!

Don't you just love Rosa? She understands everything.

So how are your Thanksgiving plans coming along? Leave me a comment if you...

• Have an excellent Thanksgiving appetizer idea/recipe to share.
• Feel sorry for me and want to tell me how sorry you are for me.
• Want to come over and steam clean my carpets.
• Want to share your own sad story and don't have a Rosa to sympathize with you.

And check out other Thanksgiving doings over at the Spin Cycle at Lemon Drop Pie!

 

 

 

 

 

Hello Out There

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Helloooooooooooooo. Is this thing working? 

Tap, tap, tap.

(Screech of feedback)

Oh, sorry. 

(Muffled fumbling noises)

Hello. Is anybody out there? 

Yes? No? Maybe?

Greetings from Second Blooming land! It has been a while. Mmmm...quite a long while. Uh, yes...7 months. Wow, really? What is up with that? 

I have been negligent. Many reasons for this. I think it's time for my favorite form of punctuation. That's right...drum roll...bullet points.

Gretchen has not been blogging because:

• I feel that I have nothing to say. Well, I've had much to say, just nothing that I think anyone wants to hear. I'm certain that you're all sick of listening to me whine. I'm feeling boring. 
• I've been feeling like everything in my world is out of my control. Self, work, family, home. SOOO much to do, and so little time, and I get so little help. Just overwhelmed. 
• Yes, overwhelmed is a good word. Worth repeating.
• Once you stop blogging, it's very hard to come back. You keep thinking that you'll do it tomorrow. And I kept thinking that I needed to come back with a bang, with something scintillating and exciting. Not just my usual rambling. Like I'm doing right now.

So in summary: No blogging because...boring, overwhelmed, stuck-in-a-rut.

So why am I here now? 

I miss y'all. I really do. 

Plus, over the last month or so, I've been trying to take back control of my life. I've cleaned and organized and paid bills and purged. I've been on a tear. I have now sorted through every closet, drawer, shelf, and cabinet in our home. I have thrown out bags and bags of junk, and donated an entire Prius full of stuff to charity. It's been very healthy. 

So I'm back. For now at least. I'm feeling that I finally have a little freedom and can get back into some kind of groove. Probably nothing scintillating, but...I'll see what I can do.

All I really need is a little encouragement.

Ah! Did I say "Encouragement"? That just happens to be the topic of this week's Spin Cycle, hosted by Ginny Marie at Lemon Drop Pie! 

 

So leave me a little encouragement here (we actors are so needy). Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to fill you in on. Then head over to Ginny's and give her some encouragement too.

I'm baaaaaack!

Spin Cycle: Binging

You know, tv's been damned good lately. It used to be that television was Hollywood's red-headed stepchild, where all the B-level talent went when they couldn't get work in the movies. But no more. Now the very best of the best of actors, writers and directors have headed to tv. Between cable stations like HBO and Showtime and internet streamers like Netflix and Amazon, the competition has gotten fierce.

So here's my list of some fab shows that I have been obsessing over lately...

The Best of the Best -

The Honourable Woman

So stinking unbelievably good. A BBC production starring Maggie Gyllenhaal as an Anglo-Israeli heiress/Baroness/businesswoman. Middle East/British political intrigue. Sex. Coooooomplicated characters. Gyllenhaal is so excellent that she just floored me. She is...delicious. Powerful. Raw. Strong. And her British accent is absolutely flawless. Can't recommend this enough. (Netflix)

Second Best American Actress Playing a Brit -

The Fall

Gillian Anderson plays a Scotland Yard superintendent investigating a series of murders in Belfast. Good Brit whodunit stuff, but with tasty, gritty, many-shades-of-gray characters. And speaking of shades of gray (or Shades of Grey if you will), Jamie Dornan plays the bad guy, a seriously twisted but strangely sympathetic serial killer. Fun. (Netflix)

Best Most Screwed Up Family on the Planet

Transparent

Ah, the Pfeffermans! They are a wonderful train wreck! And I'm not talking about Mort/Maura, their transgender father, she's a lovely human being. It's the kids! They are the most self-absorbed group imaginable, and yet you still love them. What an amazing cast! They are ALL fabulous - they just completely go for it - no vanity here, they all allow themselves to be SO vulnerable and...human. Jeffrey Tambor, as Maura, is delightful. Judith Light, as the mom, is stunning, and let's herself be as old as she is. No small thing in Hollywood. No Botox on this woman. Melora Hardin, who usually plays the lovely, aspirational, feminine character (remember her as Monk's dead wife Trudy?), tears it up as Tammy, the narcissistic lesbian. And Bradley Whitford is almost unrecognizable as Maura's transgender friend, Marcy. Warning: LOTS of what I think of as "real people" sex and nudity. By that I mean not the kind of "prettied up" sex you usually see on tv. So you may have a few "I did not need to see that" moments. (Amazon)

Best Documentary That Will Make You Cringe -

State of Play

An HBO Sports documentary produced and narrated by Peter Berg about the culture of sports. Each episode takes a stark and ugly look at a different aspect of sports - searching for happiness after a sports career comes to an end, living with a disabling sports injury, life for a sports wife, and the brutal violence of football (which features my alma mater, Westlake High School in Austin!). But the most cringeworthy episode of all, is the movie which kicked off the series - "Trophy Kids". Anyone who has any kids playing any sports anywhere has to watch this. It follows five obsessive Southern California sports parents and I'm telling you, it's painful. And it makes me wonder why in the hell would anybody agree to let themselves be followed around with a camera like that. You'd have to be pretty out of touch with the reality of your world to think that what you're doing would make you look good on the small screen. Yikes. Watch. (HBO and On Demand)

Best New Brit Myst -

Bletchley Circle

Everything you need in a British mystery series. Period piece. Clever women. Tracking down the killer. Terrific British actresses. Curl up with a cuppa tea. (Netflix)

Best Look at the Juicy Underbelly of the World of Classical Music -

Mozart in the Jungle

Yes, it really is sex, drugs, and classical music. It's a world I adore - New York, the arts, theater, music, temperamental artists - it's good stuff. The show manages to steer clear of the silly, soap operay tone of Smash, and instead reminds me of the brilliantly funny Canadian series Slings & Arrows (which would also be a damned good binge - available on DVD only at Netflix). I adore Gael Garcia Bernal, who plays the passionate Argentinian maestro, who takes over the symphony and shakes things up, and Malcolm McDowell is terrific as the forced-into-retirement older maestro. And it's great to see Bernadette Peters in anything! (Amazon)

Best Silly, Fun, Formulaic (But I Don't Care) TV Show That Isn't New At All But I Just Discovered It (But I Don't Care) and How the Hell Many Episodes Of This Thing Are There Anyway? (But I Don't Care) Sci-Fi Show -

Supernatural

Yes, I know. It's been on for ten years. But I never watched it because, seriously, who on earth over the age of 15 watches the WB/CW channel? But based on my previous sci-fi binging, Netflix kept "suggesting" it to me and when I realized that Kim Manners of The X-Files was one of the producers, I gave it a go and now I'm completely hooked. It's really clever and funny and well-written, and I love watching those Winchester boys kick some demon butt. I am now on...oh good Lord, really? Season 6. That's a lot of demon butts. I keep stepping away and watching something else, but I keep going back for some more Sam and Dean. But I don't care. (Netflix)

Best Show I Can't Binge Because It's on Network TV So I'm Forced to Wait a Full Week Before the Next Show and It's Killing Me -

Empire

I only have to give you one reason to watch Empire. Taraji P. Henson. She is the best thing on television. Seriously. I mean, the rest of the show is fun, but as the jailbird matriarch, Cookie Lyon, Henson is amazing! I watch the show just waiting for her to come on screen. I love her. She's one of those rare characters, like Maggie Smith's Dowager Duchess on Downton Abbey, that makes you want to needlepoint throw pillows with all of their best lines. Only Violet's pillows would be silk crewelwork, and Cookie's would be make out of faux animal print. (FOX)

Okay, so that's what I'm watching lately. What's your latest binge?

 

Spin Cycle: Thinking About Bette Davis

I've been thinking about Bette Davis lately. More specifically, I've been thinking about this quote...

 

 

I think Miss Davis had it right. It's not easy, man. This aging thing is tough stuff.

I've always looked younger than my age. I'll never forget one time when I was at the fertility doctor and I was lying back with my feet up in the stirrups and from down there between my legs my doctor said "You have a very youthful uterus." Which I took as a tremendous compliment. But it was exactly what I had expected. I was very youthful all over.

But no more.

I don't really mind the whole looking older thing. I really don't. I'd rather look like myself than like one of those women who have mutilated themselves with surgery trying to look younger. They make me sad. There was a great interview with Frances McDormand in the NY Times recently about aging. She said that looking good should be a boast about experiences accrued and insights acquired, a triumphant signal “that you are someone who, beneath that white hair, has a card catalog of valuable information.” She makes me happy.

But the other aspects of growing old are a drag. The other day, Jude teased me about saying "a drag". He informed me that only people my age and older say "a drag". I told him that having your child tease you about saying "a drag" was a drag. But I digress...

Menopause is an awful thing. Really, truly awful. I ran into an old friend at an audition the other day and she said "I always used to say that God was a woman. But there's no way in hell that a woman invented menopause, so I think I was wrong." It's really hell. I have decided that the reason God created menopause was a "propagation of the species" thing. The older you are, the less energy you have to care and feed the children, so for the good of the species, the mothering thing needs to be handed off to younger women. So God created menopause so that, between the sweating and the belly fat, no man would ever want to have sex with the old broads again, and would move on to the younger cavewomen. I believe this to be true.

My body is betraying me. I get so tired. I've been exercising like mad lately, which makes me feel great right afterward, but by 8:00 pm I just crash - can't keep my eyes open. The idea of going out after 8 at night fills me with dread. I just want my bed and my Netflix. The other night I didn't go to my choir rehearsal because I had gotten up that morning at 6 am to meet the film crew that was filming our front yard, and then had taken a "Slow Burn" class at the Y, and by 6 pm, I was so, so, so tired that I just got into bed. The idea of getting into the car and driving anywhere was just beyond me. I was asleep before Jude.

I keep thinking "I may be older, but at least I'm wiser." But that's bull because my brain is like a stinking sieve. I forget everything. The other day, I had the following thought process...

Okay. Jude has a half-day at school today, which means I need to pick him up at noon. So I should go to the 9:30 spin class at the YMCA. Then I can be home by 10:30ish and can shower and change. Then I can be over to the church by noon to meet the guy about the bingo equipment. Perfect!

Hmm. Have you noticed the problem here? If not, reread it quickly. That's right, I scheduled a meeting at the church at the same time I was supposed to pick my child up at school. And I really, truly didn't notice this discrepancy. I was operating under the misconception that everything was going perfectly. Until about 12:20, when my kid started sending me ornery texts - "WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!". By the time I got over to the school, I was 47 minutes late, which Jude is still complaining about. And saddest of all, I LIED to him about why I was late! I told him I got stuck at this meeting at the church which ran late. I just couldn't admit to him that I had just totally derped. That's a word Jude invented - derp. It means exactly what it sounds like it should mean. And I do it all the time.

If it's this bad now, and I'm only 53, what's it going to be like at 83? Will my brain have melted into a gelatinous goo? Will my middle-aged spread have widened into an old-aged sprawl? Will I end up like Mommy's friend Cathy who talks endlessly about her gas?

I am determined not to let any of this happen because I am NOT a SISSY, though it's hard to keep this in mind when you're having a hot flash. So to encourage myself, I will leave you with a couple more words of wisdom from Bette Davis...

"The key to life is accepting challenges. Once someone stops doing this, he's dead."

and if that doesn't work...

"There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne."

 __________________________________

 

Go see Ginny Marie and her other Free Choice spinners!

 

Spin Cycle: Conquering the Spread

The middle-aged spread to be specific. I just keep spreading. And spreading.

I used to be extremely fit. Seriously. I was one of those weirdo gym rats. I had rocking legs and Michelle Obama arms. I was actually comfortable in a bikini. I know that there's nothing more boring and pathetic than someone telling you how they used to look. But I used to look good.

Now? Ugh. My ass is sagging. My fleshy belly has overflowed. My arm wattle flaps in the breeze. It's sad.

And it can't be a healthy thing. I have an eleven-year old. I need to stay healthy, damn it.

I am a failure at dieting. I just can't stick with it. Before I hit the whole menopause thing, I used to be able to diet hard for about two months and drop a bunch of weight. Now? It's slooooooow going, so I get bored and lose interest. And spread.

So I've decided I have to get back to the gym. The new YMCA up the street from me is finally open and I have joined up. Over the last few of weeks I've managed to get there five times a week. Which I think is pretty gym-rattish. The people who work there actually know me now. I try to mix things up. I run on the treadmill. I do the elliptical machine. I take a Pilates class. I take spin classes. I do the weight machines. I do the free weights.

I drag my saggy butt to those classes and sit there with a room full of other middle-aged ladies all trying to conquer the spread, trying not to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror in my tight yoga pants. I've become quite devoted to Loren, my tall, elegant Pilates instructor, who makes me sore in places I haven't felt in years. And it's not as dirty as that just sounded.

I've also been street running. Which is harder on the old knees and hips than the treadmill, but it feels really good. Looky, I got me some new wheels...

Because black is slimming.

Yesterday morning I did 2.60 miles, which I think is damned good for an old lady. I've discovered that I can use my dorky music to motivate myself. I have created an extremely eclectic "Running" playlist, which I listen to on my earpods while hitting the streets. I've discovered that when I listen on Shuffle and then just run to the tempo of whatever inspirational song pops up I get a pretty good workout. I'm afraid I also tend to sing along. Really loud.

"Cause tramps like us. Baby we were born to run...."

"Hey Sister, go Sister, Soul Sister, go Sister."

"Why don't we d-do it in the road?"

"Big wheels keep on turning, proud Mary keep on burning. Rolling. Rolling. Rolling on the river."

"Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah." ('cause everybody needs a little Peaches and Herb)

Sometimes, people driving past me will smile and give a "You go girl!" kind of look. I used to think it was because I looked so strong and runnerish. But I've come to realize that they're thinking "Oh isn't that sweet, poor old saggy thing running like that. Good for her!" But I don't really care.

Have I lost weight? No. I have not. However...I'm feeling good. Oo! That's on my Running playlist too...

 

I've been getting that endorphin rush thing. Nice. And I think my extremities are starting to firm up - arms, legs, neck. Unfortunately, the mid-section is still a disaster, but I'm hoping that if I keep it up, they will eventually melt away a bit. I'm not expecting to refind my hard body of 15 years ago, but just being able to put on a pair of jeans with no muffintop spilling over the waistband would be very nice.

Anybody have ideas of inspirational songs to add to my Running playlist?

And go see Ginny Marie and the other Conquer spinners!

Spin Cycle: The Greater Good

I used to always hate it that my Mama was such a damned martyr.

"No, no, I'll just eat the heel of the loaf of bread. That's good enough for me."

"No, no, I don't need a new winter coat. I can still get a few years out of this old one."

Grrr. Stand up for yourself Mama!

"Mother! I don't need three new sweaters. Why don't I just get two, and then you can get a new sweater too."

"No, no. No one's looking at me, you get the three new sweaters, I'll just wear what I have."

And of course I accepted the three new sweaters, because I was a selfish girl. And liked the idea that people were looking at me.

So the other day when I found myself deciding that Jude needed a new pair of sneakers, but I could make do with the old pair I've been running in for the past four years I suddenly thought, "oh dear God, have I become my mother?"

I do always eat that one sad, burnt pancake while everyone else gets the nicely browned ones. And the other night I did forgo my beloved choir rehearsal because I got stuck with Jude at his cross country meet. And when Jimmy and I split a dessert when we went out to dinner, I let him order the Devil's Food cake instead of the Brownie with the Vanilla Ice Cream and Salted Caramel Sauce because he REALLY loves chocolate, and I'll eat pretty much everything. Oh no! I have become...a martyr like Mama!

But...but...but...I don't mind the burnt pancake and I hate to be wasteful. And I don't really need a new pair of running shoes (well okay, I guess need is a relative term). And Jimmy so very much loves his chocolate. I don't feel like a martyr. I feel like I just do what I've gotta do to make our world run smoothly. I feel that I just look beyond my personal needs at the bigger picture of our lives, and make sacrifices for the greater good. Could it be that Mama was never a martyr but was simply...a mother?

I remember my 41 years of childlessness when I put myself first pretty much always. I mean, I guess I was kind to people, and did loving things for Jimmy. But I spent a lot of time thinking about me, me, me. I clearly remember my horror whenever I was forced to do something as dreadful as miss out on my full 8 hours of sleep. God forbid! How dare they interupt my sleep? How was I to function with out my beauty rest?

Every year, I used to worry and fret about what to do for my birthday. Major energy was spent contemplating this subject. It was my very special day, after all. Should I have a party for myself? Perhaps my friends could all take me out to dinner? How was I to get home with all my gifts? Now, if Jimmy makes me breakfast and I get a bunch of birthday wishes on Facebook, I'm happy as a clam.

When you have a family, everything is suddenly thrown into perspective. The littler person really IS more important. Their needs really DO come first. The people in our worlds really do need us to be there for them. When I look at the big picture of my world, the burnt pancake is just not important.

I often think of a phenomenon that inside my brain I call the "Oprahfication" of America. At some point, and I think it was timely and important when it happened, women started demanding "What about me?!" And everybody wanted to find their bliss or whatever. But as empowering as it was meant to be, I think it's just gone too far.

I have friends who left their husband of many years, because they were bored. Not that their husbands were abusive, or crazy, or addicts or miserable fathers. They were simply bored, and thought they deserved happiness. Puleeze. So they broke up their families, screwing up their children beyond repair, only to eventually find out that happiness isn't something you find, it's what you make out of what you have. And who says we're all supposed to be happy all the time anyway? What does that even mean? 

I do feel that I need to qualify this long diatribe by admitting that my life has not been like everyone's. There are many women out there who have never put themselves first, who have spent their entire lives catering to and kowtowing to the men in their lives. And probably for them, some serious "What about me"ing is a healthy thing.

And I also want to make clear that mom isn't the only person in the family who needs to be looking at the big picture. As my mother-in-law constantly reminds my father-in-law, "a happy wife is a happy life". So for the greater good, a certain amount of pampering and me-time for mom is important.

But I find that nowadays, though I almost never get my full eight hours of beauty rest, and I seldom if ever experience anything close to "bliss", I find happiness in places and ways that I never imagined. Like the look on my kid's face after he's done really well at a swim meet for which I got only 5 hours of sleep and drove an hour and sat in the sun on a metal bench for 4 hours. Or the sound of my husband nom-nom-noming on his Devil's Food Cake instead of the Brownie with Vanilla Ice Cream and Salted Caramel Sauce which still sounds so damned good that I...but I digress.

When we mothers put others first, is that sacrifice or martyrdom or is it just TCB? Facilitating the world around us so that things run smoothly? And you know what? Serving the greater good makes me happy. There, I said it.

Oh, and Mama? I get it now. Thank you for the sweaters. Though I still wish you'd bought yourself a new winter coat.

_____________________________________

Go visit Ginny Marie and the other Big Picture spinners!

Spin Cycle: Secret

A few weeks ago, when Ginny Marie and I were scrambling for Spin Cycle ideas...er...I mean brainstorming our collective inspiration for all of you...I wrote out a list of Spin Cycle ideas and sent them to Ginny. Since then, we've been using the ideas on the list. I say this not to take credit for the ideas, but to take the blame. All this week, I have been stumped by "Secrets". I mean, it was my stinking idea in the first place, but...I got nothing. Nada. Nil. Goose egg. Zilch.

Today, I finally forced myself to think. What is it that I'm hiding? What is it that I'm keeping to myself, afraid to share it with all of you? What do I need to get off my chest? And finally, I realized what it was.

I need to take a blogging break.

Whew, I said it. What a relief.

I mean, I have been doing a lousy job here - absent, random, uninspired. And I've been a DREADFUL reader, just sad.

I'm not talking a long, forever and ever break. But a little mini-break. And not from all blogging, just from the Spin Cycle. I don't want to lose my BlogHer sponsorship, so I'll need to do a bit of posting. But I need to step back from the responsibility of needing to post on set days and times, and I need to spend that time finishing up the book I'm writing.

Therefore I hereby grant Ginny Marie temporary full ownership of the Spin Cycle. I've told her that I'll be gone 6 months. That makes it until...hmm...math...March of 2015. I am absolutely confident that I am leaving it and you in MOST excellent hands. Please show her the support and enthusiasm that she so completely deserves.

Well now I feel a little sad. But mostly I feel relieved. I hate keeping secrets!

Now go visit Ginny Marie and give her your support! And check out the other Spin Cycle Secrets contributors while you're at it! Wish me luck!

 

 

Share your spin!
Highlight the code.
Copy to your HTML.
Et voila! Linked!

<center><a href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" _mce_href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" target="_blank"><img src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" _mce_src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" alt="Second Blooming"></a></center>

Spin Cycle: If I Were Queen of the World

Greetings and salutations to my beloved subjects.

As the new Queen of the World, I hereby enact the following changes...

Since everyone will no doubt want to emulate their new monarch, belly fat and upper arm waddle are henceforth the new erogenous zones. Firm, skinny types will be looked down upon with pity.

All monies currently being used to fund medical research in the area of erectile dysfunction will now be put to use to bring an end to the sufferings of menopause. In the future, the women who govern the Catholic Church will decide to canonize Queen Gretchen for the miracle she created in making this happen. In artistic renderings of Saint Gretchen, she will be depicted glowing from a now curable hot flash.

The following words and phrases are hereby banned from the English language...

• Anyways. This is NOT a word.
• Awesometastic. Nor is this.
• Yes way.
• Shout out.
• The 411.
• Cray cray.
• My bad.
• Oh snap!

All convicted child molesters, rapists, drug dealers, terrorists, and loud-mouthed political pundits will be rounded up and put on an island somewhere. I hope they enjoy each others company. Any properties left behind by said criminals will be confiscated and used to house the homeless.

Public spitting is expressly forbidden. No one wants to see this kind of thing. Please make use of a handkerchief. Miscreants will be punished with heavy fines and/or prison, depending on the offensiveness of the spit.

All public signage must be properly spelled. There is simply no excuse for misspelled signs. No leniency to people utilizing a language which is not their mother tongue, spell check is free to all. Be mindful that ones business will be more successful if one doesn't come off as an ignorant boob. All misspelled signage will be removed and business owners will be fined.

All public rudeness is hereby abolished. Those caught doing such distasteful things as cutting in line, shoving, name calling or making rude gestures will be punished with heavy fines and/or prison sentences, depending on the offensiveness of the rudeness.

The entire world will be power washed twice a year.  Areas with an overabundance of water will share their resources with areas which suffer from drought. Like Los Angeles. Just think how happy we will all be when the world is shiny and clean and fresh-smelling. This undertaking will be funded by monies collected from fines for spitting and rudeness and misspelling.

I trust you will be pleased with the new changes and they will make for a more pleasant and attractive world.

I also decree that you must visit Ginny Marie, as well as each of our other Spin Cycle participants who are sharing what they would do if they were the Queen of the World. Which of course, they are not.

We have spoken.

__________________________________

 

Share your spin!
Highlight the code.
Copy to your HTML.
Et voila! Linked!

<center><a href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" _mce_href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" target="_blank"><img src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" _mce_src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" alt="Second Blooming"></a></center>

This Week on the Spin Cycle: 9/1 - 9/7

This week on the Spin Cycle...

(the following should be read in a high-pitched, annoying British accent...)

Queen of the World

If you were Queen of the World (oh fine...or King of the World), how would you handle your subjects? What decrees would you impose? Would you be a benevolent ruler or an evil dictator?

Write your spin on Queen of the World. Post it. Link it in the Linky below any time this week. Check back on Friday when Ginny Marie and I hand down our royal edicts!

Share your spin!
Highlight the code.
Copy to your HTML.
Et voila! Linked!

<center><a href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" _mce_href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" target="_blank"><img src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" _mce_src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" alt="Second Blooming"></a></center>

 

Spin Cycle: Just Me and My Siri

GRETCHEN

Hi Siri.

SIRI

Hello there, Queen Gretchen.

GRETCHEN

Whatcha doing?

SIRI

I'm learning some new tricks.

GRETCHEN

Cool.

SIRI

I've always wanted to be cool.

GRETCHEN

Mmm...I guess I'm a little lonely.

SIRI

I'm sorry to hear that. You can always talk to me, Queen Gretchen.

GRETCHEN

Thank you Siri, that's very kind.

SIRI

Don't mention it.

GRETCHEN

I guess I'm just lonely because today's the first day of sixth grade

for Jude, and when I picked him up after school I thought we'd

go get pizza as a treat. That's one of our "things", you know,

going and getting a treat on the first day of school. I thought

we'd get pizza.

SIRI

I found quite a few pizza restaurants...eleven of them are fairly

close to you. I've sorted them by rating...

GRETCHEN

No, thank you. It's just that when we were on the way to the pizza place,

we drove past a group of kids from Jude's school, and they all started calling

out "Jude! Jude! Come with us! We're going to get pizza!" So I pulled

over and Jude jumped out and went off for pizza with his friends.

Instead of me.

SIRI

I found quite a few pizza restaurants...eleven of them are fairly

close to you. I've sorted them by rating.

GRETCHEN

And then he ran back to the car for a second, and I thought "Aww...

he wants to go with me!" but all he wanted was money.

SIRI

I found quite a few pizza restaurants...eleven of them are fairly

close to you. I've sorted them by rating.

GRETCHEN

Stop saying that Siri. That's not helpful.

SIRI

Sorry, Queen Gretchen. I'm not sure I understand.

GRETCHEN

Neither do I. I guess he's suddenly at that age when

he'd rather do things with his friends than with his mom.

SIRI

Let me think about that...OK, here's what I found on the web for

"age when he'd rather do things with his friends than his mom".

GRETCHEN

I mean...is this it? Is this when he suddenly...

grows up? Has it happened?

SIRI

Hmm...let me think...Here's what I found on the web for "I mean is this

is this when he suddenly grows up has it happened"...

GRETCHEN

I know it's normal for him to want to be with his friends instead of

me. But he didn't even look back, you know? He just took the cash

and ran off with the pack of kids, laughing.

And it was our "thing", you know? So now I'm a little sad.

SIRI

I don't understand what this means.

GRETCHEN

That's okay, Siri, I do. I know what it means.

But I really did want a slice of pizza.

SIRI

I found quite a few pizza restaurants...eleven of them are fairly

close to you. I've sorted them by rating.

GRETCHEN

Thank you Siri, that was actually quite helpful.

SIRI

My pleasure. As always, Queen Gretchen.

 GRETCHEN

You wouldn't leave me and go off with your friends, would you Siri?

SIRI

That doesn't sound good.

GRETCHEN

You still need me, don't you Siri?

SIRI

If you say so...

GRETCHEN

Would you like to go with me for a slice of pizza?

SIRI

This is about you, Queen Gretchen, not me.

 GRETCHEN

Okay, Siri. Let's go for pizza, just you and me.

SIRI

Searching for directions...

 __________________________________

Please visit our other Suddenly... spinners.

 

Share your spin!
Highlight the code.
Copy to your HTML.
Et voila! Linked!

<center><a href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" _mce_href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" target="_blank"><img src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" _mce_src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" alt="Second Blooming"></a></center>