Second Blooming

Sweetest M-I-L Evah

I'm afraid that when last I spoke of my beloved mother-in-law Mommy I was worrying/whining about her decidedly non-Mommylike behavior over the summer. She was not at her best.

So in order to return Mommy to her place in all of your minds as the Sweetest Mother-in-Law Evah, I would like to share a voicemail she left for me the other day. Jude had called her from his phone to say hi, which delights her tremendously. I'll suddenly hear him talking in the other room, thinking it's one of his friends, but then I'll realize that he's called Grandma and Grandpa. It's really darling. So anyway, after this one particularly long conversation she left me the following message, which I am transcribing word-for-word. Enjoy...

MOMMY

Gretchen? It's me. Just called you to tell you...thank you so much

for such a beautiful grandson. He. Is. A. Marvel. I just started to cry

because he speaks so good and knows so much. And this is all part

 of you and spending so much time with him. I thank you. Oh I can't

believe he's so smart and so beautiful. Ah! Thanks again. I had

to call you to tell you that. We had a wonderful conversation.

I told him 'Jude I love ya so much, call me whenever ya can.'

Okay, babe. Thanks a lot. Tootleoo.

 

Can you stand it? So dear. Don't you just want to give her a hug? And yes, Mommy really does say "Tootleoo". Lucky me.

Camp Mama 2014 Weeks Eight and Nine: Sigh...

Sigh...

I'm afraid I have been strangely silent during these last two weeks of Camp Mama when we were on our annual trip to New York. Usually I have a plethora of crazy but charming stories about my wacky in-laws - I know that all of you want to know what's up with Mommy. But this year I just didn't have much to say. I mean, we did lots of fun activities, and had some meaningful family time. But overall? The trip was extremely stressful and disappointing and...not fun. And why was it stressful and disappointing and...not fun? It was because of Mommy. There, I said it.

Mommy has just not been herself. Or actually, she has been herself times 200. You all know how much I adore my precious 85-year old mother-in-law. And I've told many stories about her neuroses and "Mommyisms". But over the last year, her fears and phobias have grown and amplified and festered to the point that it's incredibly difficult to be around her. And I'm very worried for her well-being and that of those around her.

I've mentioned before that Mommy fell down about a year ago. She was incredibly lucky that it didn't cause any physical injuries - no broken bones, no concussion. But the mental damage was huge - she's become so afraid of falling and embarrassing herself again, that she has become agoraphobic. She's afraid to go anywhere or do anything. And what's more, she doesn't have a moment of peace (nor does anyone around her) if anybody ELSE goes anywhere or does anything. She's only okay if everyone is home doing nothing. Which doesn't make for much of a vacation. Especially if you are 11.

She's terrible to Pop and poor Aunt Grace, who is so worried about her that she spends most of her time on Long Island helping, but is constantly yelled at and criticized. And Mommy is so irrational and illogical about her fears that you can't argue with her. First she will complain and moan about how nobody wants to do anything with her and she never goes anywhere - she actually, seriously said "I guess nobody loves me anymore!". But then when we would try (and try and try and try) to get her to come with us someplace or take her somewhere or do something all together, she would refuse, and come up with the most ridiculous excuses. "No, no, I have to...make the eggplant." "But Mommy, we're not eating the eggplant for two more days.Why don't we take you to the beach, it will be fun." "No, no, I can't." And then her voice would start to rise to a shrill level and pretty soon she was shouting things like "Nobody understands what it's like for me!" and her constant mantra "Nobody listens to meeeee!!!" Which is true, because so much of what she says is irrational.

You have to understand that is is NOT LIKE MOMMY! She's always been the MOST loving and embracing woman in the world, and the BEST mother-in-law ever. Her neuroses have been...cute and charming. So this is all very worrisome.

We tried. We really did. I cooked and cleaned for her as much as possible. We cut down on the number of activities we did and stayed home with her. But she didn't make it easy. One day we were home and a bored-out-of-his-mind Jude asked if we could please go and do something. When I suggested that he go in and spend some time with Grandma, he turned to me and said, not in a snotty way, just being honest, "What should I do with her? Just follow her around and watch her clean?" And that kind of summed it up. He could spend time with Grandpa - watch a baseball game on tv, watch one of Pop's old movies ("That Alan Ladd was some actor, kid."), or go for a ride to the "candy store" to buy the Lotto tickets. But what could he do with Grandma? She doesn't do anything.

So this made for a sad trip. But we did manage to have some fun times. Namely...

We managed to get Mommy out of the house a few times for dinners.

Aunt Grace, Niki and a very glamorous Mommy out for her birthday dinner.

Picture of us on the same evening. We clean up pretty well.

Jude, Mommy and Cousin Matthew at Hoy Ming for Chinese food.

Cousin love!

We had a great day kayaking at our friends Bob and Beverly's house on Oak Island...

Actually, Bob, Jude and I kayaked. Jimmy sat on the deck and worried about bugs.

And we always, always have a great time with our friends who live up the street - Ray, Jenny and Mia.

Friends and Sushi

Jude and I drove with them into Brooklyn to Coney Island...

Cyclone - best roller coaster on the planet.

Ray, Jenny, and me after we dumped the kids and went to Ruby's for beer.

And we loved that we just happened to be in town for the birth of Jude's newest cousin, Benjamin, and were able to make his bris...

Jude and Benjamin, who looks pretty relaxed despite having just gone through a traumatic experience.

It's interesting, when I talk to Mommy on the phone across the country, she's very different. I don't know if it's that the safety of distance keeps her from fretting about us too much or if she just puts on a sunny disposition for the phone. I was talking to her on the phone today, and she started sounding bad again - that weird tremor came into her voice. And we had a pretty frank and open conversation. I told her that I was worried about her, and actually used the word "agoraphobic" and she...agreed with me! I'm hoping she talks about all of this with her doctor soon, she said she would.

I would appreciate it if all of you would keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She's too wonderful of a human being to spend her golden years in a panic.

I did find one thing that made her VERY happy...

Yes, this is already in a frame and on the wall of Mommy's den!

This is, of course, right where Mommy wants Jude all the time. By her side.

 

Spin Cycle: I ♥ New York

I think that I'm a New Yorker at heart.

Bold statement, I know. Because I've always been very proud to be a Texan. And I've been living in Los Angeles for more than 20 years. But I really should have been a New Yorker. The Big Apple. Gotham. It's my happy place. I step onto the sidewalk and my heart lightens. I love the smell and the pulse and the excitement and the energy.

When I was a girl, my daddy's brother, Uncle Francis, lived there. 210 W. 70th St., Apt. 312, New York, New York, 10023. I still remember his address. Uncle Francis was an old bachelor (which means gay, but nobody in the family ever mentioned it), who was a musician and opera singer, who taught voice from his apartment. Uncle Francis would come to visit us every year, and bring me presents from the big city -  special candies that came in a little metal tin, fancy lavender "toilette water", Twinings tea which was only available in the US at the time in tea shops in New York. It was all so...sophisticated and special.

Later, my best friend Kaysie's sister, Helen, moved to NYC, and we loved to sit and listen to her regale us with tales of the city - theater, ballet, museums, literature - it was everything I wanted in my life.

Alas, I never moved there. Why? Hmmm. I guess fear. And fate. When my friends and I left the University of Texas theater department, everybody had an option of where to go, New York or Los Angeles. Or some place for grad school. I chose...Dallas. Huh? In retrospect this baffles me. My thought was that I would model and get some acting work on my resume before moving to a bigger pond. Which worked for me really, I had a decent resume under my belt before moving to LA. And I'm probably more of a film/television actress than a theater actress. But I think a big reason I stayed so close to home is that Daddy was getting so old, and I wanted to be nearby if he got sick.

But I often think about what my life would have been like if I'd moved straight to New York. Found an apartment and a waitressing job. I could have modeled there. Pounded the pavement instead of driving the freeways.

I am very lucky that I am now able to visit New York every year, even if the majority of my time is spent on Long Island with the in-laws. I'm even more fortunate to have Aunt Grace's apartment to stay in while there - it's like having a free luxury hotel at your fingertips.

View from Aunt Grace's terrace.

This visit, I've managed to get into "The City" (as the in-laws call it) twice. Jimmy hasn't been able to make the train trip because he's still weak from his hospital stay.

My old friend from college, Kevin Adams, is a brilliant lighting designer, who just won his THIRD Tony Award for designing Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which is currently on Broadway. Because Kevin is incredibly kind and cool, he got me his house seats for the show just two nights before the end of Neal Patrick Harris's run in the show (Andrew Rannells from The Book of Mormon and tvs Girls is taking over the role). My s-i-l Niki came with me, and we had an amazing time! The seats were PHENOMENAL - dead center, about 8 rows back. And NPH absolutely blew me away!

Then, Jude and I made our way into the city again this week, to meet up with my old college friends and have some fun. My college roommate, Lannyl, and her family live on the Upper West Side, and Jude loves hanging out with her teenage kids, who are older and cooler than he is.

On our way into NYC. Look at the lines on my forehead starting to relax!

We spent the afternoon strolling Central Park, and Jude finally got to visit Strawberry Fields, the area of Central Park dedicated to the memory of John Lennon...

...then Lannyl drove us up to the far north end of Manhattan for her daughter's rowing club practice. Amazingly, Lannyl (and this is SO Texan of her) drives an SUV around Manhattan. You have to understand that virtually nobody DRIVES in Manhattan, it's all public transport. But Lannyl has made it an artform, and drives her two kids around to all their activities every day.

This a genuine shot of Lannyl putting on makeup and texting and driving around Manhattan all at the same time. So impressive.

Then, that night, we left Jude with the teenagers to eat NY Chinese takeout and play a Game of Thrones board game (Jude was in hog heaven), and we headed out to meet other old friends from college at THE COOLEST RESTAURANT I'VE EVER BEEN TO IN MY LIFE. Seriously. It was the restaurant/bar at the top of The Standard Hotel down in the Meatpacking District, fittingly called The Top of the Standard. The incredibly gorgeous and well-dressed hostess seated us, and we both just sat there with our mouths open, stunned by the view...

View from our table. Stunning.

The place had a leather banquettes arranged stadium seating style, so every table area had this view, along with a jazz band that played Gershwin and Cole Porter, and de-lish cocktails. The place was the epitome of New York sophistication and style. I was just so happy. Why can't life be like this all the time? Okay, it cost a hell of a lot, but still...

Shannon, Me, Lannyl, Kim. This photo is deceptive, because of the flash, it was actually very dark and candlelit.

This is more what it looked like.

But the best part of the place? The freaking bathrooms. Crazy. I asked the hostess where the bathroom was, and she pointed down a dark, candlelit hallway. I wandered along until I came to a series of doors. When I opened a door, I walked into a dark, candlelit bathroom and was greeted by this view...

I swear to God, this was the view from the toilet. No modesty allowed.

The entire wall of the bathroom was glass! I'm assuming that it was so incredibly dark in there so you weren't giving all of Manhattan a peep show!

The next morning, Jude and I took the subway back up to the Boathouse in Central Park and rented a rowboat...

Like something in a movie.

As I was leaning back, allowing my kid to row me around this beautiful place, I suddenly thought "I am happy." Which doesn't happen for me that often. I mean, I guess I'm generally a happy person, but I don't usually think "Wow. At this moment, I am really happy." But I was.

Will I ever get the opportunity to live in New York? I doubt it. How would we do that? Move across the country? Dislodge Jude from his friends?

Maybe when I'm old and gray, and Jude has gone off the college, Jimmy and I will make the move. I could become one of those terribly chic old ladies with a gray, bobbed haircut, and large black or red eyeglasses, who has season tickets to the opera and the ballet and has tea at The Plaza and lunch at The Russian Tearoom. And I can send my grandchildren fancy candies in little metal tins and lavender toilette water. Anybody want to come visit me? We can take in the Metropolitan Museum and have a martini at their rooftop martini bar. Who's in?

_______________________________

PLEASE make our other Happiness Spinners happy by paying them a visit!

 

 

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Spin Cycle: Top 8 Favorite Things About Vacation Thus Far

We are on Long Island visiting Mommy and Pop! Already much excitement! Yes, I realize that it is traditional to do a Top 10 list but we've only been here 3 days so 8's all I could come up with.

#8: Virgin America -

We always fly either American or Jet Blue, but I decided to give Virgin America a try because everybody keep telling about it and guess what? It was great. New plane. Extra leg room. Television in every seat. I'm recommending it.

#7: Highest 24-Hour Rainfall in New York State History -

This is not a "favorite" because it was a good thing, in fact it was a disaster. It's a "favorite" because it proves my point that EVERY time we visit the in-laws there is a major crisis. We landed on Tuesday at about 7:45 pm, and over Tuesday night, Long Island was flooded. Mommy and Pop fared well, but many of their friends had flooded basements. We're talking sinkholes and entire towns with four feet of water. Crazy! And the craziest thing of all is that we all completely slept through it! I got up and decided to go to the Dunkin Donuts for a coffee (Mommy only keeps the dreaded decaf in her house) and discovered chaos all around us!

#6: Jude Sets Aunt Grace Straight on Politics -

Our dear, beloved Aunt Grace is perfect in every way except for her obsessive right-wing leanings. Jude was sitting with her and Grandma and Grandpa watching Fox News and Grace was going on and on blaming Obama for everything from the Ukraine to Israel to Iraq to immigration to health care to the death of Robin Williams (okay, maybe not that one) and Jude proceeded to give them all a civics lesson on the system of checks and balances and the three branches of our government set up in the Constitution and how therefore no president would be blamed entirely for any US policy. I have to say, he was not at all rude, nor did he play politics (he criticized Jimmy equally for blaming George Bush for everything). They all stared at him with their mouths dropped, impressed. Hilarious.

#5: The Atlantic Ocean -

For the first time ever, Jimmy, Jude and I hit the beach on the East Coast as a family!

California boy on a Long Island beach with his friend Mia.

#4: Look Who Has Outgrown Mommy! -

#3: Jude and Pop Have Precious Moment -

During the aforementioned flood, the trunk of Pop's brand spanking new car (yes, the man is 85 and just bought a new car) filled with water. I mean to the brim. After much hysteria, and talk about calling the dealership Pop confessed to me that it just maaaaaay have been his fault and he maaaaay have left it a bit...open. But DON'T TELL MOMMY or she will crucify him! So I spent about an hour bailing and drying his trunk. After which, we had to leave the trunk open to air out, and Pop didn't want to just leave it out there like that, so he climbed inside and listened to his CDs. Jude decided to join him. So sweet. The two of them sat out there listening to Sinatra and Streisand and had a "talk about life" according to Jude. I have no idea what they talked about, but it was deep and meaningful. They also discussed modern music, and Pop was terribly impressed by Jude's insight. Loved.

#2: Mommy Gets Her Hands on Jude For the First Time This Year -

We walked in the door and within 30 seconds, this had happened...

Crazy loving!

#1: The Artificial Suntan Disaster -

Yesterday, when we were all at the beach, Jimmy sat down next to me in his swim trunks. "Hmm...that's odd," I thought. I leaned forward and inspected his legs/feet more closely. His lower legs appeared to be made of some sort of strange lizard skin, and all along his feet were weird streaks of brownish ick. "What the hell?" I said. Embarrassed, Jimmy hid his legs and squirmed. "What did you do to yourself?" I asked. Well...turns out, before we left LA, doofy Jimmy decided that due to his recent hospital stay, he was too white, and needed a bit of tanning. So he went to the drug store and bought some of that fake tan stuff. However, he is a poor direction follower, and so seems to have applied it EXTREMELY POORLY, and it looks like this...

Can you see the lines up and down his legs?

He seems to have tried to spray it on his chest, but it all pooled inside his belly button so he has this weird brown hole in the  middle of his belly.

I have been laughing ever since! I can't stop giggling. It's just so, so Jimmy! Only he would do this silly thing to himself. It's the funniest thing I've seen in ages. Thank you Jimmy for this silliness!!

So that's my summer vacation so far. More soon...

_____________________________________

Check out Ginny Marie and our other Summer Vacation spinners!

 

 

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A Gift For Mommy

In a week, we are heading to New York for a two week stay with the in-laws. This year, all three of us are making the trip. Jimmy usually finds some "terribly important" work situation which gets him out of long stays with his parents. But since his recent near-death experience, he feels the need for some parental bonding. I'm hoping it's not a mistake.

This post, however,  is not about our upcoming visit. It's about something I need help with. In a couple of weeks, Mommy, my beloved, wacky, Brooklyn-Italian-American mother-in-law will be celebrating her 85th birthday! And still looking damned good I must say.

Mommy sunbathing in one of her slutty tank tops.

But I don't have a clue what to get her as a birthday gift! I mean, you can only give somebody a certain number of flashy earrings and slutty tank tops before it gets a little old. Last year, I went to Target (or as Mommy calls it "The Targets") and bought her makeup must-haves - her frosty pink lipstick, her black eyeliner. She liked this very much ("Loreal! SO FANCY!!). But this year, I'm clueless. Please read THIS POST which describes my similar problem locating what she wanted for Christmas.

I decided I needed to seek out help, and I found this cool website - Gifts.com. They have a gift finder with a "personality profiler", so I thought I'd give it a try. As a test, I did a profile for my Mama, and man, did they nail her. Their suggestions for her were perfect, from the LL Bean totebag to the backgammon set to the Jane Eyre scarf.

This is a great website! Let me give it a try for Mommy. Okay, let's start up this profiler...

Select Your Recipient: Woman.

Name: Mommy

Age: Senior

Okay, first question...

Her morning ritual includes...

1. A workout.
2. A crossword puzzle.
3. Checking emails.
4. None of the Above.

Hmm...they don't seem to offer Watching That Matt Lauer on the Today Program. So...None of the Above.

Question 2 -

She is best known for her...

1. Delicious baking.
2. Artistic flair.
3. Impeccable style.
4. None of the Above.

Well Mommy has never baked. And she isn't artistic. Do slutty tanktops count as Impeccable Style? ...None of the Above.

Question 3 -

A perfect vacation for her would be...

1. A trip through Europe.
2. A cruise in the Caribbean.
3. RV-ing with the grandkids.
4. None of the Above.

Mommy is afraid to leave her house. Actually, she's afraid for anybody to leave their house. None of the Above.

Question 4 -

She can never have too many (much)...

1. Parties.
2. Books.
3. Time with grandkids.

While Mommy does enjoy a good party, I don't think she's a party animal. And she hasn't read a book since 1947. Wait! Time with grandkids! Yes, that's Mommy!

Question 5 -

She'd love to take a class for...

1. Computers.
2. Yoga.
3. Arts.

You gotta be kidding me. None of the Above.

So let's see what they suggest...

Oh dear. This is not right. Some of their suggestions...

The Terazzo Two Person Picnic Case. Could you imagine Mommy and Pop on a picnic?! Outside? With the bugs? And if she got to the ground, they'd have to call 911 to get her up again!

The Kent Dual Drive Tandem Comfort Bike. HAAAAAAA!! Hysterical!!

LL Bean Discovery Binoculars. For use while hiking or...heeheeheehee...birdwatching! I GUFFAW! Could you picture Mommy BIRDWATCHING?!

 

Well clearly, this site is not understanding Mommy at all. So I thought I'd open it up to all of you and see if you can come up with something brilliant. Maybe if I end up using one of your ideas, I could give you a prize. Like maybe a phone call from Mommy or something. Though I can't guarantee that as she's kind of afraid of people on "the internets". Maybe a jar of Mommy's secret beauty elixir - Vaseline.

So here's a bit about Mommy to help you get some ideas...

Mommy is a bundle of love and neuroses.

Mommy's turn-ons are cleaning, chocolate, General Hospital, slutty tank tops, the Blessed Mother, blackberry brandy, flashy jewelry, sunbathing, talking to her girlfriends on the phone (all of whom are named Cathy) and her children/grandson. Her turn-offs include germs, bugs, lightning, elevators, bras, logic, "The City", all the scary things she hears about on The Today Show and often...Pop. Picture Edith Bunker with brassy hair and a top that shows just a little too much skin.

What Mommy does all day...

1. Cooks.
2. Cleans.
3. Watches tv.
4. Talks on the phone.

That's really pretty much all she does. She and Pop used to go out to dinner with friends pretty often. But sadly, most of their friends have died. And going out is getting harder and harder.
Ditto having guests. They used to have people over all the time, but now not so much.

I used to do pretty well just buying her some flashy clothes at some store that features clothing which most people would consider extremely inappropriate for a woman of her age - Victoria's Secret, Forever 21. But since she never goes anywhere, she doesn't really need her fancy outfits.

If  Mommy deems a gift "too nice" she will never use it. She will save it "for good". Stores she considers "too nice" are...well pretty much everything other than "The Targets" and Kohl's and maybe Macy's if it's on sale.

So what do you think? Ideas anybody? That perfect, incredibly thoughtful gift that will make Mommy so happy? PLEASE HELP!

Spin Cycle: How Important Are Fathers Anyway?

Jimmy and his dad, Pop, have a running joke. Every time Jimmy calls and asks for Mommy, Pop says sarcastically "That's alright, Mister. How important are fathers anyway?" Jimmy always laughs and gives a funny reply that suggests that he's sorry and that Pop is surely terribly important.

But really? I'm pretty sure that there are about a zillion layers of passive-aggressive anger behind this entire exchange, all relating to Pop's past performance as a father. Not that he was a bad father. I guess it's a question of how one would define "bad". Mommy has a saying which she tore out of a magazine and taped to the inside of the basement door, right in the perfect place so Pop has to look at it every time he goes downstairs to get a beer from the extra refrigerator. It says "The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother." Yes, Mommy is a master of the passive aggression.

Because Pop was NOT a good husband. Yes, he provided. No, he wasn't a drunk or physically abusive. However, he was...I might as well be blunt...a philanderer. His years of philandering culminated in "The Hiatus", the 20 years during which Pop had left Mommy and lived with "That Woman". I highly recommend reading THIS post, which tells the whole bloody, juicy saga. So despite the fact that Pop sees himself as the family hero, the excellent provider who always took care of everyone, the truth is that he basically thoroughly screwed everybody up.

But then along came Jude, Pop's one and only grandchild and a manchild no less, and the man complete transformed. He is the Uber-Grandpa. He adores that boy, and that boy adores him. It's a lovely thing to witness.

The only human being ever allowed to squeeze Pop's nose.

Pop teaching Jude boxing moves from his Golden Gloves days.

I never had a grandfather. Mama's father died in 1935 when she was 11 years old, and Daddy's father passed in 1941. I have no idea what it's like to have a grandfather, but I have many preconceived ideas, and...dreams. And Jude and Pop's relationship thoroughly achieves them.

They have their little "things"...

They play the lottery.

They go to the ball game.

They go to the beach.

But mostly they have deep, meaningful talks.

Having a deep, meaningful talk.

Last summer, I left Jude with Mommy and Pop while I went into Manhattan to see friends, and when I came back, I discovered that Pop had taken it upon himself to explain to Jude the meaning of life. This was serious stuff, and when I asked Jude to tell me about it afterwards he informed me that really it was between Grandpa and him. Put me right in my place. I was able to piece together that there was much talk about growing up and responsibility and respect for family and respect for women (ha!). All very dear.

A couple of months ago, they had "the talk" in Jude's fifth grade class. The boys and girls were separated and each were told about puberty and their changing bodies by a parent/physician. Afterwards, I told him that if he wanted to, this might be a good time to talk to Daddy about these things (I had already given him "the talk" about the birds and the bees, but it was pretty clinical). Jude looked thoughtful then said "Nah, I think I'll wait and talk to Grandpa about it. I bet he can tell me a thing or two about puberty." And I think this is true.

Back in 2011, Jude interviewed Pop for an Oral History project in school. Below is the link to the interview. I know it's long, but it's amazingly wonderful, and oh so Pop, filled with hyperbole and stories of questionable veracity. And you get to hear Jude's sweet little teeny boy voice. I am the loudmouth who is "helping" a little too much. Skip through the first minute or two to get to the good stuff.

When I was pulling this file, Jude heard it and got embarrassed. He thought he sounded dumb. But I know that in years to come, he will cherish this audio file with all his heart.

I guess fathers are important after all.

__________________________________

Don't you dare leave without visiting our other Fathers spinners!

Come back on Monday to find out Ginny Marie and my Spin Cycle topic for next week. And a heads up that I'll be starting Camp Mama 2014 next week. Yep, it's that time of year!

 

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Spin Cycle: The First Annual Second Blooming Awards

Welcome to the First Annual Second Blooming Awards. The awards show where I give out the awards I want to give out to whoever I want to give them to.  There won't be any actual statues handed out, nor will winning one in any way enhance your career. It's all for my own personal enjoyment. So without any further ado...

The envelopes please...

The Maintaining Your Priorities in the Face of Disaster Award goes to...

Mommy, my mother-in-law.

I spoke with Mommy on the day before the latest blizzard hit Long Island, and asked her if she had all the provisions she needed if they were going to end up stuck in the house for a few days. She answered, "yes, I checked the pantry, and I have plenty." I then said something like "I guess you have plenty of pasta and canned goods." To which she replied, "oh, I didn't check on that kind of thing. But I have plenty of chocolate. I have a half a bag of the Hersheys and a whole bag of the Dove's that I haven't even opened." That's right, Mommy had checked the chocolate situation, but not the food situation. You've got to love a woman who knows what's important.

The Doing Our Part to Help Everyone Survive the Polar Vortex Award goes to...

PBS

For bringing back both Downton Abbey AND Sherlock! JUST when we needed them.

 

So much juicy fresh intrigue!

Time for more Cumberbatching.

 

I'm in anglophile heaven. And I'm thoroughly upset by this week's Downton, but for the sake of spoilers for any of you who still have it sitting in the DVR, I won't give it away. Oh no!!!

The Teachers Pet the Next Generation Award goes to...

Jude

I must admit, I was always a bit of a teacher's pet. Not a suck-up, mind you, just that kid who always enjoyed doing things to help the teacher and loved extra credit. And I guess I kind of...mmm...worked that to my advantage. Well the whole apple/tree thing seems to be in effect. Jude's teacher recently confessed to me that she shared his Christmas letter to her on Facebook, and has it on her refrigerator. I read this letter before he gave it to her and I have to say, it was really sweet. And it was sincere, not suck-upy. He said something like, and I paraphrase..."a lot of teachers seem like they're thinking 'When can I go get a cup of coffee?!' but you always seem to be happy to be here and thinking 'oh yeah, let's have some fun and learn things!'" Which must have been nice to hear.

 The Dorkiest TV Binging Obsession Evah Award goes to...

Jimmy

The man has become obsessed with...sigh...what he calls "The Pyramid". We're talking those old game shows that air on The Game Show Network ,  The $25,000 Pyramid and The $100,000 Pyramid, both hosted by Dick Clark. He DVRs them! Both! Daily! He's become an aficionado of celebrity guests. Just ask his opinion of Jamie Farr or Teresa Ganzel or Donna Dixon or Markie Post, and he'll give you an earful. And he becomes quite passionate while watching - we'll hear him screaming and cursing from the other room - "Things that are pickled!, you idiot!" or "What a mouse might say!, you horse's ass!" He'll get so caught up in it that sometimes he has to turn it off because it upsets him too much - "I can't take it. I just can't take it!" It's scary.

 

Dick and the back of Vicki Lawrence's head.

The How Much Did We Pay for That Damned WiiU? Award goes to...

Rory's Story Cubes

For Christmas this year, Santa brought Jude a rather expensive WiiU, the latest gaming devise, which he enjoys. But what toy did he get that is his VERY favorite thing in the world right now? What do we play almost EVERY night? A little $9.99 game which he found in his stocking called Rory's Story Cubes.

 

Loving the Rory's!

 

It's a simple game that consists of 9 dice, each of which has little pictures printed on each side. You can choose to play it any number of ways, but what we always do is that whoever is the storyteller rolls the dice, and then has to make up a story using the pictures that you roll face up. The pictures are things like a sheep, or a teepee or an arrow. You just roll the dice, start with "Once upon a time..."  and let your imagination fly! It's all about imagination and storytelling and it's CRAZY fun! Jude's friend George came over the other night and played with us. At first he was a little intimidated by Jude and my free-thinking storytelling. But once he realized that there was no right or wrong, and it's better not to think but just to let it fly, then he started having fun too. I can't recommend it enough. Seriously. We just bought the two add-on bags of dice, Actions and Voyages, and that's opened up a whole nother world of Rory! If you have kids who like to make up tales, you have to get this...

 

 

The Oh That's Why People Live Out Here Award goes to...

The weather in Los Angeles this week.

While the rest of the nation has been in the grips of Brrrmageddon, we in Los Angeles have been blissed out with the perfect weather. Highs in the upper 70's, lows at night in the 50's. Clear blue skies. I realize that it's cruel to rub this in the faces of those of you on the East Coast, but it's good for us Los Angelenos who are always complaining about the traffic and the crime and the over-crowding and the filth to remember just how lucky we are to live with this weather. It's a good thing. Though the traffic is still the shits.

That's it for the Second Blooming Awards! I think we made it in under our scheduled 4 hours. Have fun at the after parties!

And check out out other Awards spinners below. Feel free to join the fun - link your spin on Awards in the Linky. Come back on Monday for Ginny Marie and my spin topic for next week!

 

 

 

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Spin Cycle: The Click

Big Daddy: What makes you so restless, have you got ants in your britches?

Brick: Yes, sir...

Big Daddy: Why?

Brick:  Something...hasn't...happened...

Big Daddy: Yeah? What is that?

Brick: The click...

Big Daddy: Did you say the click?

Brick: Yes, click.

Big Daddy: What click?

Brick: A click that I get in my head that makes me peaceful.

Big Daddy: I sure in hell don't know what you're talking about, but it disturbs me.

Brick: It's just a mechanical thing.

Big Daddy: What is a mechanical thing?

Brick: This click that I get in my head that makes me peaceful. I got to drink till I get it.

                                                                     - Tennessee Williams, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

 

This may be a peculiar analogy, but I feel the same way as Brick when it comes to the whole Christmas thing. I have ants in my britches, frantically rushing around trying to get everything done, working my way through my list of "to-dos", positive that I can't possibly get all of the things done which I believe I must do in order to create the perfect Christmas for my family.

Then suddenly, I reach a  point when, even though I still have a bunch of stuff to do, I get "the click" (and no, I'm not on an egg nog binge, it's a different kind of click).  I just finally reach a place where the end is in sight and I'm peaceful and able to relax and breath and enjoy the season, knowing that it will all come together in the end.

I finally got the click...yesterday. The house is decorated. All the presents are purchased. The East Coast and Texas presents are shipped (thanks for the help Mr. Amazon). Christmas Eve's Feast of the Seven Fishes is mostly planned. Now I just have to finish up the last minute to-dos and sing Christmas carols and maybe I'll even get to enjoy a bit of egg nog as well. Jude and I are reading all of our favorite Christmas books together (for our list of our favorite Christmas books read THIS).

It is finally the most wonderful time of the year.

What I have accomplished...

• Miraculously, there was no Great Teacher Gift Debacle this year. Previous years haven't been as fortunate (HERE, which involves 46 lbs. of vicious onions, and HERE, which involves misadventures with baking soda). This year, I decided to give the teachers booze, because if I was a teacher, that's what I'd want. I made Homemade Citrus Infused Vodka, and put it in jars. It looks really pretty, I hope it is tasty.

 

This is the picture stolen from the website. Mine are not this cute. But they're cute enough.

 

• Since I am an abject failure when it comes to taking a decent picture of my child, I finally decided to go with this for our Christmas card, and I think they turned out pretty cute...

 

I like to think of it as unconventional rather than inappropriate. Thank you Carol for the shot!

 

• Thanks to my friend Regina, I found this website called Soap Opera Jewelry, which sells knockoffs of jewelry worn on the soaps. Mommy is going to flip out when she opens her Christmas package and finds out that we not only got her the cheap handbag I mentioned last week, but also a choker and earrings just like the ones worn by Tracy Quartermaine on General Hospital!

 

Mommy loves her General Hospital!!

 

What I have yet to accomplish...

• Wrapping. But I have the paper and ribbons, so it's easy peasy.
• Mailing of the cards. But I have the address labels all done, so I just need to sit down and do the envelope stuffing and stamping. And honestly? If they're late I don't give a damn.
• Baking. I need to do a little baking. At least a couple of kinds of cookies for Jimmy and Jude to deliver to the neighbors on Christmas Eve.

and then of course there's the whole...

• Cooking a five-course, seven fish meal for Christmas Eve thing. But seriously, I see the whole thing as a fabulous holiday production and I'm the writer/director/star! So I have fun with that.

Until then, I'm going to be fa-la-la-la-laing as much as possible. Hmmm...I think I'll DVR all of my favorite Christmas movies. And maybe I'll make a special playlist for Christmas Eve! Oh! I think it's time that I actually allow myself to buy my favorite kind of eggnog! Or maaaaaaybe I'll make myself a Peppermint Martini. Ooo, yes! That sounds festive...

 ___________________________________

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Spin Cycle: Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you doing this year? I just checked the weather at the North Pole, and The Weather Channel says that it's currently -17 degrees F, but with the windchill it feels like it's -41! So I'm hoping that you and the missus and the elves and the reindeer are inside, with a nice fire going and a hot toddy.

It's been on the coldish side here in Los Angeles, but I realize that our 42 degrees in the morning doesn't have anything on your -17, so I really shouldn't complain. But this cold weather has been giving me a touch of arthritis in my thumbs (I really am turning into my mother), so I worry about you and Mrs. Claus. Maybe this year, when I leave you your treat of cookies and bourbon, I'll also leave you some Icy Hot for your arthritis. All of that sleighing around in the elements and heaving bags of goodies up and down chimneys is bound to do a number on your joints.

But anyway, I believe that I have been a fairly good girl this year. I have really been working on being more patient with Jimmy, and have managed to limit the number of times I slam things around and grumble sarcastically to myself whenever I find some kind of mess or other which he has made and failed to clean up.

I've also been consciously trying to avoid snarky gossip. And sometimes I succeed.

So I have a few things I'd really like to have. If you see fit, maybe you could help a girl out.

Uggs.

You know how I never once ever read the Oprah's Book Club book at the time everybody else did, but instead stubbornly waited a year or so? I attribute this to some strange and rebellious need to do things my own way in my own time. In a similar fashion, I have avoided the whole Ugg boots craze for the last eight years or so. But I have decided that I'm ready. And I think it's something that Jimmy would approve of, given his freakish obsession with keeping everyone's feet warm. I would like either these...

 

Bailey Button in Black

or these...

 

Classic Short in Black

Which do you think? Maybe you could run it by Mrs. Claus.

A new iron.

 

This one looks good.

 

I realize that this is not a particularly sexy gift, but I could really use one. I dropped my old iron about a year ago, and the pointy tip cracked off. It still works fine, but the jagged end keep getting stuck on the clothes. I probably should have bought a new one right away, but some part of my mother which lives deep inside me just refuses to throw something away that still works perfectly well.

And by the same token...

A new toaster oven.

 

Black & Decker has always served me well.

 

The old toaster oven still works just fine, but unfortunately, the handle has fallen off. So in order to open and close it, I have to stick a knife into it and pry it open, then hold it open with a pot holder. Maybe not the most convenient or safest way to do things.

Birchbox points.

You know how much I love Birchbox (you know because you know everything). Getting my little box of treats every month is a great source of joy for me. Well, they have this cool Birchbox points system where you earn points every time you buy something from them or review a product or refer a friend. It's the Refer a Friend part where you get the big points. Well, I've been saving up points to buy Jimmy some cologne for Christmas. He really loves this cologne, and it's ridiculously expensive. But if I had more Birchbox points, I could get it for cheap. So maybe, if Mrs. Claus or some of the elves would like to join Birchbox, they could use this link - http://birch.ly/1duYMlz - and then I can get the Refer a Friend points? I promise they will enjoy their Birchboxes. Would you mind passing that on to them? Jimmy really wants to smell good.

 

Smells good, y'all.

 

No shoulder surgery.

There's something wrong with my right shoulder. I don't know what. But I can no longer rotate it in the way it needs to be rotated, and if I move it in one direction very suddenly, it feels as though a large, hot knife is being plunged directly into my shoulder blade. I realize that I need to go to the doctor, but honestly, I'm afraid that the doctor is going to say that I need to at least immobilize it for a while, and at the most have some kind of dreadful surgery, and I just simply don't have the time. I have too much to do. Perhaps I'm being paranoid. It might just be bursitis or something.  Anyway, any help you have on this subject would be appreciated.

Health for the old ones.

I'm worried about my dear in-laws, Mommy, Pop and Aunt Grace. They are all in their 80s now, and their health is declining. Nothing major, just many, many small problems. It's really the first time that it's become apparent that they are all getting old. They've always been so youthful and strong. But now they are getting kind of feeble and frightened. Pop has suddenly started saying "I love you" when we finish phone conversations, and I fear that he thinks he's going to die. And Mommy's had a slew of ailments, some kind of serious and scary. I would really appreciate any help in keeping them safe and well for a while longer. We all love them dearly.

Okay, I guess that's it for this year. As always, if this is too much work, I'd also accept cash or gift cards.

Thank you so much for always being so generous for my boy, Jude. He's still a firm believer, by the way. And let me know if there's anything I can do for you. If you need me to take care of some of the stuff for Jude, just let me know.

Hope you have a safe and rewarding flight! Love to Mrs. Claus, the elves and the reindeer!

Love,

Gretchen

_____________________________________

 

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The Mommy Quest

I know I have mentioned before how easy my beloved mother-in-law, Mommy, is to shop for. She is an excellent giftee (sorry, don't think that's a word) for two reasons. 1. She likes everything. 2. She buys almost nothing for herself, so you can be pretty sure that she doesn't already have what you get her and that she needs it.

My favorite story which I believe defines the joy of giving gifts to Mommy is about a Mother's Day many years ago. I bought Mommy a fancy baking dish, but when I went to wrap it, discovered that I was out of wrapping paper. So I dug out all my old Bon Appetit magazines and cut out every picture I could find of chocolate (Mommy = Chocoholic) and made them into chocolate/collage/wrapping paper. I then mailed the present to New York. A few days later, Mommy called, terribly excited. She was shrieking with joy "Ooooooh myyyyy Gawd! I loooove it, I love it, I love it! It's so beautiful!" (remember Mommy's Brooklyn accent and pronounce beautiful - byoo-tee-ful).  "I'm so glad," I said, "I think you can make your chicken cutlets in it." There was a pause, then Mommy cried, "there's MOOOOORE????!!" Yes, that's right. Mommy hadn't even opened the present. She was just that excited about the wrapping paper.

That said...every now and then, I will make the mistake of asking Mommy what she wants for Christmas, and she always says "Oh no, I don't need nothing. I don't want you to spend your money on me. But what I really could use is..." She says it like that in one breath, and out of her mouth comes something she's clearly thought a great deal about, and is ridiculously, painfully specific. And it always sends me on a Mommy Quest.

I remember a year back during the pre-internet days when she decided that what she really needed was a white, v-neck sweatshirt. But not white white, she wanted "winter white". I searched EVERYWHERE. I must have gone to twelve stores. There were no winter white v-neck sweatshirts in the city of Los Angeles. I was a failure.

Which leads us to this year.

"Mommy, is there anything you really want for Christmas?" I asked.

"Oh no, you don't need to get me any presents," answered Mommy.

"But Mommy, you know I'm going to get you something no matter what you say. Is there anything you want or need?"

"No, no, you know me, I don't need anything. Don't worry about me."

"Mommy, don't be silly."

"Well you know...my denim pocketbook is wearing out. I could use a new denim pocketbook."

And there you have it. A "denim pocketbook".  Why did I ask?! This is wrong in so many ways.

"Well Mommy, I'm not sure if they make denim pocketbooks any more," I said.

NOTE: Mommy's denim handbag, which she calls a pocketbook, was probably purchased in 1984 or so.

"Oh no? I thought they were back," said Mommy.

I sigh...

It's at this point that I should remind everyone that, as I said before, she never buys anything for herself.  She simply has a thing, and then uses it until it wears out. Maybe we should all learn a thing or two from Mommy.

After much questioning and confusion, I came to understand her pocketbook needs...

1. She wants a bag to carry to "the store". "Nothing fancy". Meaning cheap.
2. She doesn't want a good leather bag. She already has one of those. She only uses it for church.
3. The bag should be light-weight.
4. The bag should not be overly large.

So the bottom line is that Mommy wants a crappy handbag. I hate to say it, but there it is.

And I have learned a thing or two over the last twenty years, and one thing I've learned is that if I get her something "too nice" she will NEVER use it. It will just sit there in a drawer. It's crazy.

For example...this summer, I bought her a new nightgown for her birthday. I bought it at...Target. We're not talking Lord & Taylor's or Bloomingdale's or even Macy's. Target. It was a stretchy nightie made of t-shirt material. But she deemed it "too nice" to wear. I swear to God. She is saving it for "something special". What the what? She's 84! She and Pop sleep in separate bedrooms! I bought it because I thought it seemed comfy. But noooo...

So I started my search. First of all, a Google search of "denim handbag" yields a plethora of pictures of HIDEOUS handbags. Hideous and not as cheap as they look. The best of them was a Michael Kors bag that cost $345, which is more than the sum total of all of the clothes in Mommy's closet.

I went to Ross Dress for Less, I went to Loehmann's, I went to TJ Maxx, I went to Marshall's. All of the places which Mommy would deem acceptable places to purchase a gift for her. There was nothing.

I feel that I should clarify that Mommy is not cheap. In fact, she's quite generous when it comes to GIVING gifts. She enjoys writing a nice check. She just refuses to spend anything on herself. It's a little tragic.

So finally, I ended up back at good old Target. And found this...

 

Cheap bag for Mommy.

 

It's ugly. And it's not denim. But it is "nothing fancy". It is light-weight, and it is not overly large. I brought it home and showed it to Jimmy, and he said "that's my mom!" So I'm hoping she'll like it.

Maybe if I wrap it in pictures of chocolate?

___________________________________

This post was inspired by...

 

 

Prompt #5 -  Talk about a problem you tackled this week.