Second Blooming

The Substitute

The Spin Cycle is taking a one week break this week! If you're looking for next week's topic, please go here.

At this very moment, Jimmy, Jude and I are on our "vacation" in the land of Mommy and Pop. Lucky for you, my friend Darren has kindly agreed to guest post for me! You may have heard me speak of Darren as the husband of my friend Lynn as well as the father of Julianna and Isabella, Jude's friends/nemeses, the host of my birthday party, the owner of The Concoctionator and the loser of the cumberbund. I searched my blog posts, and discovered that I've blogged about Darren TEN times, which seems like an inappropriate amount of times to blog about someone else's husband, but I guess just proves that Darren makes good copy.

After reading his post, PLEASE  visit his blog - Daddy/Daughter Fun Time and check him out. And then add him to your Google Reader/Blog Rolls!

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Hey, y'all...Darren here.

I've hijacked Gretchen's Second Blooming blog. She really should use a better password than "Hey Jude".

Just kidding. As you must know by now, Gretchen is in New York and she asked me to help fill in while she's away.

I run a little Daddy blog. Silly postings. No heavy parenting advice. That's not my cup of tea.

Frankly, Mommy Blogs always make me nervous. They talk about...real stuff.  Maternal. Biological...Anatomical. And in more detail than anyone needs to hear.

Seldom sports. Rarely grilling. Never video games. WTF? (Yes, I enjoy a good stereotype as much as the next guy.)

No, Mommy blogs are usually...Familial. Why do they do that?! I mean, I NEVER talk about the kids at Daddy/Daughter Fun Time.  (Hint: Joke.)

Anyway...This week, Gretchen is like Johnny Carson: She needs a guest host. I suppose this makes me Jay Leno. Though, frankly, I prefer Garry Shandling. Doc is still looking good.

 

85, and still performing

 
Gretchen has pretty much given me free rein to write whatever I want. So...

Tits.

(Hats off to Jimmy for that, by the way...)

Speaking of bosoms, I have set some self-restrictions on this post: I will not talk about my cleavage.

As we all know, Gretchen is the Cleavage Queen. She deservedly appreciates what she's got going on. Me, I'm not too enthralled by my own. Call me crazy. Call me buxom.

Call me a "dude".

Whatever. I won't talk about it.

Nor will I talk about Gretchen's cleavage, my wife probably wouldn't appreciate that. And NO, I will not speak about my wife's cleavage either. I know she would not like that. So, when it comes to various cleavages, I think I won't touch them. Wait. That's sounds wrong (Why do I keep talking?)

I also will not write about "feminine products" as Gretchen did a few days ago. Surprisingly, the fine people at Poise think I am "demographically-deficient" and "not worthy of sponsorship".

Again, call me a "dude". Whatever.

But since Gretchen asked me to pinch-hit for her this week, I felt obligated to read every one of her recent posts.

Even ones with the following warning" ANY MAN SHOULD LEAVE IMMEDIATLEY IF HE WANTS WOMEN TO REMAIN ALLURING AND MYSTERIOUS.

After 20 years of marriage, I figured? Yeah, right. "Alluring", "mysterious". Ha! Impress me...

Then I read the post...

I should not have read the post. Scarred for life. Skin crawling...

Women: WTF?

Adding this to "Things in My Denial Box."  Next to Evolution and Climate Change.  Let me live in my own Fantasy World...  Please!

Here's the closest I've ever posted to something like that at my blog:

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7-year old Julianna practicing her reading skills by telling me what the supermarket aisle signs say. Things go well until Aisle 12...

Julianna: "Feminine Needs." Daddy, what does that even mean? What are THEY?

Me: Well, Honey...Um, since I work for Disney, I think I'm required to say: Handsome Princes and Talking Animal Sidekicks.

Julianna: (Blink) Daaaaaad! Why are you like that?

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I've known Gretchen and Jimmy for about 15 years, give or take. My wife, Lynn, and Gretchen hold down the alto section of the Church choir. (Favorite Joke: How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They can't ge that high.)

Ha!! Musician jokes. Welcome to my world.

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Gretchen is fond of the occasional recipe. So, keeping with tradition, here's my world famous

Arroz con Pollo (Spanish Chicken and Rice):

Okay, off the top of my head.

Get some yummy pieces of chicken (thighs, cleavage-regions, whatever, with bones and skin) or use a whole small chicken.

Here comes the marinade (Don't forget to add the chicken):

- olive oil (maybe about 1/2 cup)

- vinegar (let's say 1/3 cup)

- 1/2 of an onion

- 1/2 of a green bell pepper

- 1/2 can of tomato sauce (only a few ounces, much less than you think you'll need)

- 1/2 can chicken stock

- Dice up a few cloves of garlic

- salt and pepper

- a few ounces of capers to add a little bite

- some olives (I don't like 'em, but my grandmother did)

- 2 packets of Sazon: Sazon is a Spanish spice packet that you'll find in the "Latino" section of the supermarket, usually across from the rices. It comes in an orange and yellow index-card sized box. There are, I think, 3 different varieties. Get the one that says: CON AZAFRAN. This is the flavoring pack (four or six packs to a box, I think). It is loaded with MSG, so you know it's good AND good for you.

Marinate for a couple hours, then cook up the chicken with all the ingredients until the chicken is cooked thoroughly. Then, drain the liquid into a large measuring cup. This becomes the liquid you cook the rice in. (So, do some math...Figure out how many cups of rice to add to the liquid. Usually, about two cups of liquid for each cup of dry rice.)

Cook up the rice with the chicken juice. Meanwhile, de-bone the chicken. When the rice is done, mix the chicken meat into the rice.

Yum will happen.

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Fun Fact: Jude was the first kid that my daughter, Julianna, ever met:

 

Julianna: 4 days old. Jude: About 18 months. Gretchen: Cleavage unmentioned...

 

So, before I out-stay my welcome, I think I should sign off. If you missed the link, you can read me at Daddy/Daughter Fun Time. Surprisingly (and disappointingly for countless internet creeps), it is not a porn site.

There's not even any cleavage.

Thanks Gretchen!

Spin Cycle: Jude's Top 5 Video Games

Since I've had guest posters all this week, I decided that for this week's Spin Cycle on Kids and Technology I'd invite Jude to share with you his expert opinions, based on his many years of extensive research.

But before I share the wise words of my child, I will once again beg you to vote for me for Circle of Moms Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs! Please, please, please, pretty please??? Even if you've already voted, you can vote every day!

And now without further ado, I present to you the wisdom of my only child, in his own words...

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Jude's Top 5 Video Games

1. Pokemon White - It's so awesome! It's so FUUUUUN!! And well, um, you get to pick your Pokemon, you get to catch Pokemon, you get to beat Trainers and it's really FUN. But I'm stuck on the Elite Four.
2. Super Smash Bros. Brawl - It's a fighting game! And there's this thing called the Subspace Emissary and it's really fun and it's kind of like a story. Yeah, it's a story and well, um...so. You wanna know something? The funnest game ever? There's this thing called Boss Battles, and well, you have to verse a bunch of bosses and, well, it's really FUN! But you have to try to beat as many bosses as you can until you die.
3. Super Mario 64 - You have to collect all the stars. It's an adventure game. It's really FUN!
4. Mario VS Donkey Kong Miniland Mayhem - Well, it's really FUN! It's actually kind of hard. It's really hard. AND it's actually complicating. And it's really hard, like, sometimes you, like, you make a bridge, and you make a bridge, and well, um...SO it's REEEEEALY fun. I mean, sometimes it's really tricky, like, you build a bridge and they go in a tube and then up there? SPIIIKES! So you have to be really fast, you have to get RID of the bridge and you have to get ANOTHER bridge, and it's really hard. That was one of the trickiest parts. And also DONKEY KONG! It's the hardest level.
5. Donkey Kong Country Returns - It's not really a super old game, it's made in 2010, and today is 2011, so it's only a little old. It's REALLY fun!! You play as Donkey Kong NOT Mario, so that's really fun. I mean, you try to save the bananas, and that's really fun. I mean, you go, like this [sound effect of Donkey Kong's arms banging the ground as he runs along), like, that's how he sounds when he goes. And well, that's also sounds like this [badum pfft, badum pfft] when it's loading. And it's also really fun, because every single last level is actually a BOSS because it's really hard. And the TIKI TONG? Oh, it's SO hard. Actually, Tiki Tong's really easy. But guess what happens at the very end. Well, it's really COOL. There's this explosion which makes Donkey Kong fly up SO high into space, like, higher than the moon, and then he keeps on falling, and then, well, he does a punch on the moon, and guess how strong he is. He knocks the moon DOWN on top of his island. Well, only on Tiki Tong, not on the whole entire island. It might have been Australia actually. I don't know.

Okay, I don't want to do this any more. I'm starting to get bored.

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Please visit Sprite's Keeper for more adventures of kids and technology! Oh, and leave a comment for Jude, so he knows that all that talking was appreciated.

The Un Mom: Super Gretchen

Today's post is courtesy of the amazing Keely, also known as The Un Mom. Many of you may know her as the originator and host of Random Tuesday Thoughts, though she has been on hiatus for a bit now. Which makes us all sad. Not that Stacy isn't doing a fine job. But still. We miss Keely. She's HUGE in the UK, you know.

I have had the privilege of meeting and palling around with Keely at BlogHer last year. Keely, Jenni (of Oscarelli, yesterday's guest blogger), Becky (the Suburban Matron) and I hung out together for two days, and had the BEST time. In addition to being a wonderfully funny and insightful writer, and the most sarcastic Canadian that I know, Keely is a gifted graphic artist. Lucky me. You'll soon find out why I said this. You're going to be SO jealous. REALLY. You are. You are gonna pee yourselves with jealousy when you see what Keely made me. Ooooo boy are you gonna be JEALOUS.

But hold your horses! Before you can read and see Keely's post, you MUST VOTE FOR ME for Circle of Mom's Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs!

Just click on the button, then scroll down until you find Second Blooming and then click the little Thumbs Up button.

Even if you've already voted, DO IT AGAIN! You must vote every single day.

Did you do it? No.

I'm not going to let you see Keely's post until you do. SO DO IT.

Okay that's better. I will now present you with...

Super Gretchen

Gretchen asked me long before the beginning of all her camping adventures if I would guest post for her. I agreed, and then forgot, because I'm an asshole like that. But she gave me a gentle and polite reminder, with an easy out if I wanted it, because she's generous and kind even in the face of assholery. So of course I said I would.

Naturally I left it until the last minute, so I went out for a run and asked my brain what I should write about. The only idea my brain would give me was "draw Gretchen as a super hero", which just proves that my brain is also an asshole, especially when I wake it up at 5am to go running.

So I give you: The Thespian Avenger and her sidekick, Water Boy!

The Thespian Avenger is depicted with her secret weapon, a sarcastic skull named Horatio. Her symbol is a funnel cloud, because not only is she a whirlwind of activity, if you ask her nicely she'll recite a commercial she once did that features funnels. Heh.

I encourage you to come back tomorrow, because unlike when you ask me to guest post, normally there is much worth reading here.

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Note from Gretchen: PLEASE leave a comment for Keely so you know how incredibly jealous you are. Maybe if you're nice enough to her she'll make one for you.

RTT Oscarelli: Dogs, Dryers and Deranged Cleaning Ladies

Today's RTT is courtesy of Jenni from Oscarelli!

Jenni is someone I have actually met and hung out with. We played together for two days at BlogHer last year, and I'm SO lucky to have met her. She's super smart and funny and wry and honest. Believe me, you would want to have her as a friend. She lives in Washington D.C. with her neato husband Nelson and two darling and busy boys, Oscar and Miles. If you don't know her already, PLEASE check out her blog.

And make sure you leave a nice comment for her so she knows you care.

I am still in the wild with the boys. In order to help me survive this ordeal, please VOTE for me for Circle of Moms Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs. Just click the button below, scroll down until you find me (way behind all those big bloggers- HELP) and click the Thumbs Up button. Remember you can vote EVERY DAY. I need your vote!

But enough of that.

Without further ado, I now present to you Random Tuesday Thoughts, Oscarelli style.

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Random Tuesday? I got your Random Tuesday right here!

 

*I'm coming out of RTT retirement for Gretchen. So now she owes me. You know, I actually MET Gretchen in real life about a year ago at BlogHer. I was treated to a live rendition of feminine hygiene commercial. She was hilarious and she nailed it. She felt it. It was...moving. I may have started menstruating right then and there.

 

*I was at NIH for this nutrition study the other day and the building had one of those humongous automatic revolving doors? Do you know them? They are like four or five times the size of your average revolving doors and they have motion sensors so they only work when a person is inside. BUT, they have a fail safe so no one can get smashed. Anyway, like five or six people walk through these giant doors at once, and I was going through this guy kept trying to slip through when it was almost closed, so the doors would stop moving, STOP! And then I'd stop, and the lady behind me would step on the back of my shoe and the guy would pull back from the door and it would revolve again then he'd try to get in again and this happened three times. I mean, did he not get it? Why not wait 10 seconds for the next revolution? Why cause the mutilation of my heels? I mean, yeah, it was 107 degrees outside, but if surely 10 more seconds would not have fried him.

 

*Speaking of the heat, boy howdy has it been hot over here on my side of the states (DC, for those of you that don't know.) I'm pretty sure I saw a bird panting on Thursday. Do they even do that? Some evil genius must have activated a weather machine because this kind of heat is just not right.

 

*My dog has seasonal allergies and itches all the time. There is nothing to be done. There are balls of black fur littering every corner of my home. They are beginning to encroach on our living space. I'm not sure what to do. Is this what vacuums are for?

 

*The other day my dog was scratching and her leg started thumping on the floor and she starting bark, bark, barking! She thought someone was knocking on the door, but it was HER OWN LEG thumping on the floor making the noise. Thank god that dog doesn't have to work for a living. She'd never make it in the real world.

 

*I realize this is a totally first world problem, but does anyone else's cleaning lady put stuff away in the strangest locations? Like, shoes in the bottom of the china cabinet, baby monitors in the toy bins, random toys in the clothes hampers, gift cards jammed in to bookshelves? I'm not sure if this is a passive aggressive way of telling me that I leave too much crap on my floor, or if she's deliberately trying to drive me slowly insane.

 

*I washed and dried an entire load of my 4-year-old's laundry with a purple crayon. So that was fun.

 

*Last night my 2.5-year-old refused to wear his pajamas. Instead, he wanted to wear a full set of day clothes including socks and a baseball cap. He was pretty pleased with himself. And you know what? After he woke up, I just let him wear those clothes all day long. One less costume change. He may be on to something...

 

*I've decided that I just can't take Christian Slater seriously. It's like he's constantly doing a Jack Nicholson impression. What is up with that? I mean, I like Bill Clinton and all, but I don't go around eating Whoppers and doing interns all day long. That does sound fun though.

 

Okay, that's as random as I've got. I have to peel myself off my chair and go take my third shower of the day. Go see the other Random players and keep it Random folks. Stay cool.

 

It's a Dog's Life: Bourbon Street

I'm still in the wild with my child, and unable to locate WiFi.

Brilliantly, my favorite librarian in the world, Michele from It's a Dog's Life, has stepped up and is filling in for me today! Michele is truly one of my favorite bloggers, she always has something funny and fascinating to say. Please CHECK HER OUT HERE.

She is, as I type this, in New Orleans at some kind of librarians convention. That's right! 40,000 librarians on the loose in The Big Easy. Sounds like some kind of good time to me. I mean that sincerely, you know. I told Michele, I hope they all drank Sazeracs, then sat around talking about the derivation and history of its name.

The following post is clearly inspired by a few nights of wild librarian partying. Enjoy. And PLEASE leave a comment so Michele knows how much I appreciate her help!

Okay, I'm going back to my camping. Wish me luck getting all this damned gear back in the car. Why does everything always fit on the way there, but on the way home it doesn't?

Hmmm. I think there might be a decent winery on the way back to L.A. Jude wouldn't mind, would he?

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Bourbon Street

Bourbon Street. Sunday. 7:30 am.

This quiet newly washed lonely street is Bourbon Street in the French Quarter of New Orleans, Louisiana at 7:30 on a Sunday morning.

7 hours before this street was teeming with people. Waves of people moved through the streets as though on a mission.

7 hours before young men carried drinks in vessels shaped like  curvy women. While inebriated young women hung tenuously to their arms. 

7 hours before young girls in daisy duke shorts and halter tops stood in the doorways hawking multi-colored vials filled with unknown alcohol.

7 hours before large black men stood on the sidewalks barking for the gentlemen clubs where women in miniature triangles of materials swayed to music with unfocused eyes.

7 hours before older couples weaved their way through the sweat soaked drunken 20-something revelers hoping to arrive at their hotels with their persons and their possessions intact.

7 hours before raucous music poured from the open windows and gaping doors of bars, pubs and jazz clubs. This clamorous battle of sounds assaults the ears with mixture of jazz, rock and blues, yet sounds as if it were orchestrated by a master.

7 hours before the street was awash with spilt booze, food wrappers, drink containers, and vomit.

7 hours before young men stood on second story balconies entreating young women to bare their breasts for the price of a string of cheap beads.

This is Bourbon Street. All of this is what makes Bourbon Street ugly, smelly, noisy and awesome.

 

Unmitigated: RTT - There Must Be Some Mistake

Hey y'all. Jude and I have headed off into the wild for some camping. Yes, it's our annual Mom/Kids camping trip. When you read this, I am no doubt a) hungover, b) sleep deprived, c) sunburned (Or is it sunburnt? That always confuses me.) and d) stinky.

Luckily, Mary from Unmitigated has agreed to jump in and pinch hit for me. Aren't I lucky? If you don't know Mary, you most certainly should. She's smart and funny and lives in Detroit (which I deem a very cool thing) and loves zombies. Please, please follow THIS LINK HERE and check out her blog. And then come back here and read Mary's take on Random Tuesday Thoughts. And leave a comment, because I want Mary to know how much I appreciate her help!

Okay, I'm out of here. Who's got the sunscreen? Where the hell's my flask?

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Random Tuesday: There Must be Some Mistake

I won't even embarrass myself by counting how few blog posts I have written
in the last month. Suffice to say it is a very low number. So, obviously,
when Gretchen asked for guest-posters while she was gone doing nature-y
things with her son, I immediately replied that there was no way I could do
it. I haven't even written posts for my own blog. How in the world...could
I...wait. I what? Really?

Huh. Would you look at that. I said, "Sure." Not only did I agree, I had the
foresight to request a Tuesday, so I could participate in the
Stacy-version-of-Random-Tuesday-Thoughts.

Keely is still doing productive things, like working or something. Now, on
to the random.

Have you ever had a root canal? I have had three within the last 12 months.
I had one just recently, and when they opened it up, and the smell of
dead/decaying nerve root escaped, I thought I was going to lose my
breakfast. It smelled like death in there. And absolutely NO reaction from
the endodontist or the two assistants in the room. The worst part? Is that
the tiniest onset of the smell was redolent of the smell of a bag of M&Ms. I
may never be able to eat them again.

I think Gretchen usually puts a very sleek looking line here. Something she
learned in the 23rd century, no doubt.

There has been a virtual festival of peanut butter at my house. Jim and I
are both too lazy to make a proper meal for dinner. Well, I'm too lazy, and
he is trying to keep consumption down to lose weight. Which is working, so I
hate him. A lot. So both of us end up toasting a couple slices of bread and
slathering it with peanut butter. I add cinnamon. Because yum.

You'd think she could have picked up a better skill than that after hanging
out with aliens, but there it is.

Does anyone else think Jude is just the most adorable kid ever in the
history of time? Those curls? That grin? Are the girls lined up at the door
yet? They will be, and I'm thinking, soon.

Seriously. Like how to fire a phaser, or dismantle a transporter, or
something. Sleek lines? Really?

I have this fantasy that someday, Jim and I will retire, and buy a pop-up
camper and travel the country, visiting places we've never been, enjoying
the newspaper and morning coffee together (which he doesn't drink), and
having lovely adventures. Since we both have back issues, and neither of us
is much of a camper, I honest-to-God can't tell you where this picture in my
head came from, but it's very persistent. It'll never happen. I don't even
really like driving in a car for long periods of time.

If I went to the 23rd century, you can bet I'd come back with something
better than sleek lines. Like a personal replicator. Sleek lines. Sheesh.

That's enough from me. Go visit Stacy, and see more Random from the usual
crew.

Spring Has Sprung

I'm guest-posting today over at Ca-Joh's place. Which is kinda fun - like a little Spring Break vacation. Without the actual...you know...traveling. Or the relaxing on the beach. Or the fruity cocktails. Actually, I guess I could have one of those fruity cocktails. Maybe something with rum and some fruit juice. Hmmm.

Okay, while I go dig around in Ca-Joh's liquor cabinet and figure out where he keeps his blender, y'all come on over and visit Ca-Joh too, and read all about what passes for Spring here in the City of Angels. Thanks to Ca-Joh for inviting me over, and letting me stay at his place during my vacation.

Or  you could just stay here and read these Easter jokes, written by my son Jude, who is 6 -

Q. What did the bunny say to the carrot?

A. Time to get a new vegetable!

Q. What did the egg say to the rabbit?

A. It's time to hide me!

Q. What did the chocolate say to the bunny?

A. Don't put me in the package!

Okay, so those aren't very good jokes. What do you expect, he's 6. So you really should go over to Ca-Joh's so you don't feel like your visit here was a complete waste of time.

Have a Happy Easter!