Second Blooming

Grownup Problems

One Friday, a couple of months ago, I booked a commercial which shot in New York.

WOOHOO! Nothing better than being paid to travel. And it's a commercial which should air a lot, fingers crossed. And they take really good care of you on these jobs - first class travel, a meaty per diem, nice hotel, ground transportation. I was rather excited. I could see my girlfriend Lannyl, take in a museum all by myself, go out to dinner with Aunt Grace. JUST what I needed, in every way! 

My only concern was...

I have two volunteer jobs at Jude's school. 

1. I am co-chair of the Booster Club. We fund-raise for the Athletics Department by running/stocking/staffing the snack bar in the gym during any home games. It's far more work than you'd guess. And I am completely obsessed with it. I actually have anxiety dreams that we've run out of the blue Gatorades, or that nobody bought the seaweed snacks which I insisted on getting as a "healthful alternative". 
2. Bingo Night. One night a year. I get the equipment, set it up, organize the games and prizes, and run the show. 

I was supposed to leave for New York on Wednesday and return on Saturday. During those four days, I had three home games in the gym and...Bingo Night.

Great. So I went into high gear to get myself covered. Not easy. But I could do it if I got super organized and delegated efficiently.

Then on Saturday morning...

Jude and I got home from his 7 to 9 am swim practice (oh yes, that happens every week...) just as Jimmy was about to leave to drive to Beverly Hills to meet a friend for coffee. Jude says hi to his dad and jumps into the shower to wash off the chlorine. Jimmy turns to me as he's walking out the door.

JIMMY

Hey. So I'm meeting Devin. Can you give me some cash for

the parking? They always eobguahs;dffkvuaw'gweilkalk

gwogslk/lzsdlgjdlfjsdkflsskflsakjfllkasjfksffjlsfjalsjf.

GRETCHEN

What?

JIMMY

Dvmnak;fjhsdhf'lasdlfkjlskdfjlsa;kjdf;lkajl;sdkjf;laksdjfll

asdglhsa;dlkfhl;afkj;aslkdjf;laskjdf;lksajdfl;kjasadllfkjas.

Gretchen calmly lifts her phone and dials 911.

GRETCHEN

(to Jimmy)

You need to sit down. Something's wrong with you.

JIMMY

(indignant)

Eiasddv;akng;kv;dk sdkfja;lskdjgl;sdkhg;alkds?

GRETCHEN

(to Emergency Operator)

Hello. I think my husband's having a stroke.

He was.

For 12 years now, I have complained that we live two blocks from a fire station, and have to deal with the constant wail of sirens. I will never complain again. Those guys were here within a minute. They accessed the situation, took his vitals, loaded him into the ambulance, and were about to drive away when I realized that Jude was still in the shower. It went down that fast. And with strokes, Time = Brain. The more time passes before treatment, the more brain is damaged.

I found someone to leave Jude with, then rushed down and met them at the emergency room. They got him there, ran him through a CAT scan, and started pumping him with drugs. As it was explained to me, this miracle drug they gave him works like Draino. It just powers its way through the bloodstream and clears out anything blockages. Luckily, we got him there quickly enough for this Draino to do its job well.

The brain is very interesting. Apparently, Jimmy had a number of small strokes on the left side of his brain, the area which controls speech. And language/speech was the only area damaged. He had no drooping of one side of his face or issues with movement. He just temporarily lost the ability to speak and connect with language. It's at this point that I should remind everyone that Jimmy is an actor, and an acting teacher. So speech? Important.

A crowd of neurologists kept coming in and hovering around him, asking questions. They had a written list of words which they kept making him say out loud. "Huckleberry". "Fifty-fifty". When he first got to the ER, these came out "Hlvrono;e;lvlk" and "Frvnj-veflve". Then after about an hour on the Draino they became "Hookklbuuey" and "Vivity-Vifffffy". By the time they decided he could safely be moved out of the ER to a room, he could say the words, but only with great effort and concentration. He had aphasia. Which basically means the loss of the ability to understand or express speech. But he would heal quickly, and the doctors were certain that he'd have a full recovery.

The man was damned lucky. I mean, really, really lucky. If Jude and I had gotten home two minutes later, we would have missed him and he'd have been in his car driving to Beverly Hills when he had the stroke, instead of speaking right to my face. All the doctors kept going on about how lucky he was. I guess it's not very common that someone has a stroke while somebody's actually standing right in front of them and able to call 911 within seconds. One doctor actually told him he should do some soul-searching about God and the meaning of life, because somebody was clearly watching out for him. The other doctor suggested that the person watching out for him was HIS WIFE. I think it was a combo.

He had to stay in the hospital for two days so they could make sure he wasn't going to have another stroke. He will be on blood thinners for the rest of his life, and he has to seriously be good about his diet and exercise. I have now purchased FOUR Mediterranean Diet cookbooks. But for the most part he's expected to be fine, and his speech is back to normal.

Did I spend the next three days comforting my sick husband and son (who was being very stoic but was probably scared to death)? No. I spent the next three days freaking out about Bingo Night/Snack Bar/Work trip to New York. Because I now not only had to find people to take over all my damned volunteer jobs, I had to leave my 12-year old home in charge of his father who'd had a stroke. It's times like this when one truly appreciates friends. After all, it takes a village. A gang of excellent women swooped in and brought them meals and managed driving Jude to school. All sorts of blessings here.

Jimmy's well, the trip was great, the commercial a success, and Jimmy, Jude, Bingo Night and the Snack Bar survived without me. 

Oh, and everyone has to remember...DON'T TELL MOMMY! Jimmy's parents don't know about the stroke, and absolutely can't. Seriously, it might actually kill Mommy. Ignorance is bliss. 

So that happened.

The other day I was talking to my childhood friend Flavia about Jimmy's stroke, her aging mother's health, and the endless planning for her daughter's upcoming wedding and she suddenly asked "When did we get all these grownup problems?" It's true, right? When did this happen? I clearly remember the days when my biggest worries were what to wear that day and if some guy liked me. 

So that's what I've been doing lately. Taking care of grownup problems. I'll try to do better with my blogging.

 

RTT: Nativity, Foot Odor, and Prurient

Oh yes it is! It's time for another Random Tuesday Thoughts!

 

 

 

I have finally mostly decorated the house for Christmas! Tree. Check. Door wreath. Check. Mantle. Check. 420 sad looking Christmas decorations handmade my my child. Check. It's looking very festive around here. Yesterday, while I was dragging the tree into the house and getting it up and decorating it all by myself while Jude and Jimmy both hung out in bed sick (grrrrr), Jude came in and asked me if I liked decorating Christmas. I said "Of course, it's one of my favorite things." He nodded thoughtfully, "Cause you don't seem to be enjoying it much." Ah, that would be because of the excessive cursing and sweating and complaining. Well, yes there's that. But I really do enjoy it. This year I decided to count how many Christmas tree ornaments I have, and it turns out to be 217. Which seems like a lot for a small tree. Is that nutty? How many do y'all have?

 

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I want to make one of these!

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I would like you all to help me with a terrible problem. Several months ago, I bought a pair of these...

 

 

Skechers Go Walks. THE MOST COMFORTABLE SHOES ON THE PLANET EARTH. Seriously. Like walking on a cloud. I adore them. And they're washable, which is crazy wonderful. Just toss 'em in the machine. Amazing. 

 

But now, suddenly, they have developed a terrible problem. They stink. Really stink. Like...some kind of rotten cheese has rotten in the rotting shoe. I mean, it's BAD. The other day I took them off in the car and when Jude got in he shouted "Whoa! Did you fart?!" Yes, fart feet. 

 

I wash them, I Febreze them. Nothing helps. I have websearched this, and while it seems to have happened to other Skechers Go Walk wearers, nobody has a remedy. Anybody have any ideas? Please? I don't want to throw them away!

 

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Since we moved into our house 11 years ago, I have suffered with the most terrible dishwasher on earth. This thing was a piece of crap when we moved in, and has only gone downhill. I know, I should have replaced it long ago, but something in me, something about being the child of parents who survived the Depression maybe, keeps me from getting rid of something until it has actually completely bit the dust. Example: I kept my old laptop until it literally fell apart - keys popping off, the screen came off TWICE. 

 

So finally, finally, the old dishwasher came to an end. It reached a point when I had to completely scrub the dishes before I put them in, and even then, they came out all spotty. So I took advantage of a Black Friday sale and bought this beauty...

 

So shiny and handsome.

 

I can't tell you how much I love him. He has changed my life. Who knew how far dishwasher technology had advanced in the last 20 years?! I mean, I don't even have to rinse. Just stick in those nasty dishes with grease and dried on food and he does his job. Sometimes I just sneak into the kitchen and stare at him lovingly. Ahhh!.

 

__________________________________________

 

Oh dear...

 

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The other night I had one of those long, convoluted, anxiety dreams. I honestly don't remember anything about it. But I woke up from it, at about 3 am, and was absolutely sure that I MUST REMEMBER the following phrase...and I was so sure that I even got my phone and wrote it down so I wouldn't forget...okay, here's the phrase..."prurient sealant". Yes, "prurient sealant". What the what? It was terribly important. Hmmm, let's see...

 

prurient - 

1. having, inclined to have, or characterized by lascivious or lustful thoughts, desires, etc.
2. causing lasciviousness or lust.
3. having a restless desire or longing.

sealant - 

1. a substance used for sealing, as sealing wax or adhesives.
2. any of various liquids, paints, chemicals, or soft substances that may be applied to a surface or circulated through a system of pipes or the like, drying to form a hard, watertight coating. 

Wow. The mind goes lots of places. Anybody want to venture a "prurient sealant" definition? 

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The following video is courtesy of Jude. He, who is now a full-fledged tween, thought all of you might think this is funny. He is a bit of a music snob and classic rock lover, and often lectures his friends on the merits of Led Zeppelin, and he thinks anything that makes fun of Taylor Swift is hilarious. Enjoy.

  

 

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Okey dokey, that's my random for today. Go visit Stacy and the other Random Tuesday Thoughts!

Thanks Given

I'm a little bit slow with my Thanksgiving recap here. I blame the fact that Aunt Grace is visiting more than an overdose of tryptophan. Though I have eaten a considerable amount of THE BEST TURKEY EVER. And because, well frankly, it wasn't particularly eventful. All went well. Food was good. Company was good. A fine time was had by all. Yawn. Nothing interesting like an oven fire, or a snow storm, or a trip to the emergency room. Just a nice day. I'm bound to have something to say though...hmmm, let me see...

In looking back over the last several years of Thanksgiving recaps here on Second Blooming, I have realized that every year I say that it is THE BEST TURKEY EVER. Clearly, I love me some turkey. And either I'm getting better and better every year at turkey roasting, or I have short-term memory loss and don't accurately remember the year before. But seriously, this was a particularly damned good one if I do say so myself. I am now a dry brine convert. SO easy, and flavorful. And...I have to give a shout out to Darren, who did a particularly damn fine job of carving again this year. He studied a few YouTube videos on the subject, and went with Alton Brown's thick sliced method, which was an excellent choice. Mucho moist.

The weather has been super duper good. Yes, I am writing about the weather. That's how unremarkable Thanksgiving was. But really, it's been delightful. Cool and crisp and autumnal. I love that word, autumnal. Usually, we get a week of nasty Santa Ana winds around Thanksgiving, that drive the temperature up to the 90s right when you have to keep the oven on all day. But this year was a lovely high in the 60s and a low in the 40s. Autumnal. Yeah, I know, nobody cares.

Hey, I have a question for y'all. Do you put eggs in your stuffing? I always make Mama's cornbread stuffing, and there's no actual recipe, I just dump stuff in until it looks right. But the other day I decided to actually look up a recipe for the hell of it, and about half of the cornbread stuffing recipes on the internet say to mix in a couple of eggs. I feel sure that Mama never did that. Doesn't it make it kind of gummy? Is this one of those things that every family does differently? Hmmm. Fascinating.

Have I ever shown you my cornucopia? Well, it was Mama's cornucopia first, and I kind of love it. Not many people have a cornucopia nowadays. Here is the ubiquitous holiday table shot...

Didn't your family always used to take a "table shot" every holiday meal?

 You can't really see the cornucopia there can you? Here's a close up taken today...

The plenty in the Horn of Plenty is a little worse the wear by now, but you get the idea. It's pretty, right? I think Mama would be happy that I still put one out every year. So that was interesting.

Decided to serve from a buffet this year instead of having to pass everything at the table. Everyone was pleased. So that went well. 

Okay, this is just pathetic. 

Oh yes! I know you are all dying to know what I came up with for an appetizer! (Where's that sarcasm font when you need it?) I took everyone's advice, then kind of mixed it up and added in some shrimp for Jimmy. Many folks suggested some combo of cheese/crackers/bread/meat/olives/relish stuffs. There's this great store near us called Larchmont Wine and Cheese that makes amazing meat/cheese trays, so I decided to do my best to copy it and make one of my own. Cheeses, grapes, dried figs, good olives, ham rolled up like they do, sliced salami/sliced baguette, sprigs of rosemary for a garnish. Looked really good, I must say. Then I too Katherine M's advice and made Jimmy this Southern Living recipe for Marinated Shrimp. It was  super easy, do-ahead and delicious! Thanks everybody!

 Alright that's all I got. Y'all can go back to watching Adele videos.

 

 

Best Laid Plans

Anybody who's been hanging out around here for any length of time knows that I love me a good list. I'm the Queen of Bullet Points. I enjoy using bullet points for the following reasons...

• They help organize my addled brain.
• They help organize my addled brain.
• They help organize my addled brain.

When I'm planning for a holiday event, oh, say...Thanksgiving, I make copious lists using copious amounts of bullet points, and sometimes...an ordered list. I enjoy using an ordered list for the following reasons...

1. It helps me remember the order...
2. in which I should organize...
3. my addled brain. 

So since next week is Thanksgiving, and Jimmy's Aunt Grace is coming to stay with us for 9 (9! 9! Did I mention 9?!) days starting on Monday, I have filled an entire legal pad with lists made with my favorite good pen. Lists such as...

Things to do before Grace arrives

• Clean porch.
• Steam clean carpets.
• Hang curtains in Jude's bathroom.
• Haul all the Halloween crap back up into the attic.
• Haul all the Thanksgiving crap down out of the attic.
• Hang all the pictures back up in the kitchen. [Did I mention that I repainted the kitchen during my blogging hiatus? No? Ah, another post.]

And...

Thursday Timeline

1. Make giblet broth.
2. Make chocolate pie.
3. Make sweet potatoes.
4. Roast turkey.
5. Whip cream for pie.
6. Make gravy.
7. Heat  stuffing.
8. Heat mashed potatoes.
9. Put together salad.
10. Carve turkey.
11. Put together Brussels sprouts.
12. Rolls! [Rolls gets an exclamation point because I always forget to put them in the oven!]

Many, many things to do. Very, very organized. But then...

Sinus infection. Sigh.

• Misery
• Z-Pacs
• Prednisone
• nasal spray
• DayQuil
• NyQuil
• Vitamin C
• steam, steam, steam
• Bed rest.

So every day I've been lying in bed staring at my lists, unable to check one single thing off them. Bummer, man. 

An interesting side effect of all this wasted time is that I have...

• Spent a little too much time shopping on the internet. We now own... 1. a new 6 foot folding table which I'm setting up in the corner of the dining room to use as a buffet (smart!). 2. a new non-lumpy mattress pad for Grace to sleep on. 3. a new dishwasher that actually washes dishes! Hurray pre-Black Friday sales!
• Fussed and obsessed over the Thanksgiving menu far too much. I mean, I have changed this damned menu so many times it's ridiculous. 

Here is the menu as of today...

• Turkey. Dry brined with this recipe HERE. Which I used last year to excellent results.
• Gravy. Oh man, Mama's Good Gravy.
• Cornbread Stuffing. With sage sausage and cranberries and pecans.
• Brown Butter Mashed Potatoes.
• Sweet Potatoes with Bourbon and Maple. Because...bourbon.
• Shaved Brussels Sprouts with Pecans and Parmesan.
• Fresh Goat Cheese and Radicchio Salad with Figs. 
• Mama's Chocolate Cream Pie.
• Apple Pie.

When you look at this list, you will see the areas over which I may have had too much time to think. Like...pretty much all the side dishes are little outside the box. A little...chefy. No green bean casserole. But I don't care, they're getting their turkey and stuffing. They can give the Brussels sprouts and radicchio a try. This is a deviation for me, I am usually of the firm belief that nobody wants anything healthy or green for Thanksgiving. Just carbs and fat. But we'll see. It's something new.

You will also notice that I don't have any kind of appetizer on the menu. I have, over the past week, had about 45 different appetizers on this list, but I keep changing my mind. Nothing sounds good. Here are my issues with the Thanksgiving appetizer...

• I want something for people to nibble on, but don't want it to be too heavy so they fill up.
• Jimmy always wants something seafood because he's a seafood freak, but nobody but Jimmy and Lynn want to eat it. It's a constant argument.
• It needs to be something that I can make completely ahead of time - the last thing I need is more last minute work. I need a dip or something I can make the day before and just stick out, no complicated canapes that need to be put together right at the same time I need to be making that good gravy.

Does anybody have any ideas? Seriously, I need help here. A favorite Thanksgiving appetizer that is a real crowd pleaser?

So here I am, staring at my lists and hacking up phlegm when I should be hauling crap in and out of the attic. 

Rosa's here today (see previous post for explanation of this new member of the Second Blooming family), thank the good Lord. She took one look at me, wheezing and moaning and said in her kindest voice (and again, please forgive me if the voice of Rosa is a bit like Consuela on Family Guy)...

ROSA

Oh, you seeeek?

GRETCHEN

(sadly sick)

Yes.

ROSA

You cook turkeys?

GRETCHEN

Yes, everybody's coming here.

ROSA

How much peoples?

GRETCHEN

Thirteen, counting the kids.

ROSA

Is too much peoples! You cook too many food! Is too 

much work!

Don't you just love Rosa? She understands everything.

So how are your Thanksgiving plans coming along? Leave me a comment if you...

• Have an excellent Thanksgiving appetizer idea/recipe to share.
• Feel sorry for me and want to tell me how sorry you are for me.
• Want to come over and steam clean my carpets.
• Want to share your own sad story and don't have a Rosa to sympathize with you.

And check out other Thanksgiving doings over at the Spin Cycle at Lemon Drop Pie!

 

 

 

 

 

Hello Out There

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Helloooooooooooooo. Is this thing working? 

Tap, tap, tap.

(Screech of feedback)

Oh, sorry. 

(Muffled fumbling noises)

Hello. Is anybody out there? 

Yes? No? Maybe?

Greetings from Second Blooming land! It has been a while. Mmmm...quite a long while. Uh, yes...7 months. Wow, really? What is up with that? 

I have been negligent. Many reasons for this. I think it's time for my favorite form of punctuation. That's right...drum roll...bullet points.

Gretchen has not been blogging because:

• I feel that I have nothing to say. Well, I've had much to say, just nothing that I think anyone wants to hear. I'm certain that you're all sick of listening to me whine. I'm feeling boring. 
• I've been feeling like everything in my world is out of my control. Self, work, family, home. SOOO much to do, and so little time, and I get so little help. Just overwhelmed. 
• Yes, overwhelmed is a good word. Worth repeating.
• Once you stop blogging, it's very hard to come back. You keep thinking that you'll do it tomorrow. And I kept thinking that I needed to come back with a bang, with something scintillating and exciting. Not just my usual rambling. Like I'm doing right now.

So in summary: No blogging because...boring, overwhelmed, stuck-in-a-rut.

So why am I here now? 

I miss y'all. I really do. 

Plus, over the last month or so, I've been trying to take back control of my life. I've cleaned and organized and paid bills and purged. I've been on a tear. I have now sorted through every closet, drawer, shelf, and cabinet in our home. I have thrown out bags and bags of junk, and donated an entire Prius full of stuff to charity. It's been very healthy. 

So I'm back. For now at least. I'm feeling that I finally have a little freedom and can get back into some kind of groove. Probably nothing scintillating, but...I'll see what I can do.

All I really need is a little encouragement.

Ah! Did I say "Encouragement"? That just happens to be the topic of this week's Spin Cycle, hosted by Ginny Marie at Lemon Drop Pie! 

 

So leave me a little encouragement here (we actors are so needy). Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to fill you in on. Then head over to Ginny's and give her some encouragement too.

I'm baaaaaack!

Gretchen's Very Own Adventure: Part One

I'm always hearing about some actress or another who books a great location job. An acting gig that involves traveling to some fabulous and romantic location - Europe, South America, a cruise. It's one of the best perks of our business, actually getting paid to travel. And I'm telling you, we get treated well - first class plane tickets, all expenses paid. Very cool.

But in all of my 25 or so years as a working actress, with the exception of two months I spent in Israel back in 1989, I have only booked the most pathetic location jobs imaginable. Palmdale. Which is the meth capital of California. I think they put me up at a Motel 6. Riverside, California. Slight upgrade to a Holiday Inn. And I was flown twice, yes, twice, to...Minneapolis. In the middle of winter. Sad. That was the extent of my location jobs.

Until now.

Today, I am flying to shoot a commercial in...Spain. Yes, it's true!! At this very moment, I am sitting in my first class seat enjoying my wifi and a glass of complementary champagne. Hehehehehe! I'm so excited I'm about to bust. I'm flying from LA to New York, then changing planes and heading across the Atlantic (I've got an Ambien burning a hole in my pocket) and in the morning I'll be in Madrid. I then have THREE days off before I shoot for one day, and then head home. Can you stand it?

What commercial is it? I don't think I'm supposed to say. They didn't make me sign a non-disclosure agreement or anything, but it's kind of a no-no to blab about unaired commercials on social media. Suffice it to say, it's a pharmaceutical company, and I will be talking about my pain, which I no longer have because I use their drug. I'm telling you, these pharmaceutical companies have ALL the money in the world. I know how much they paid for these plane tickets, and it would have paid for Jude's private school for a year! And the craziest part is that they're not even shooting me out and about enjoying the sites of Spain. I'm in an office. They could have shot this thing in...Palmdale. But somebody at the drug company, or the ad agency must have wanted a trip to Europe, and damn if I didn't luck out!

But this was not the first part of my adventure. Oh no. Last week, they flew me to New York for A DAY for a WARDROBE FITTING. Because they don't have clothes in LA or Spain. (Where's that sarcasm font when I need it?) They flew me first class to NYC and put me up at a rather ritzy hotel down in the Meatpacking District, which is the in/hip area of the city right now. The wardrobe fitting took all of 2 hours.

I felt slightly bad about missing Jude's school's annual fundraiser/live auction, but guess where I went when I was in New York? To my friend Lannyl's kid's school's annual fundraiser/live auction! Is that crazy? It just happened to be that her school's party was the night I got to NY, and she and her husband have a band, a group of parent-musicians, and they were playing the party. I have to say, I had always thought that Jude's school's community was pretty fancy schmancy, and the bids in the auction were outrageous. But we are NOTHING compared to these Manhattan families! Turns out we're not fancy schmancy, we're just plain fancy. These folks were paying $48,000 for pieces of art! And I thought $50 for a Hello Kitty gift basket was a good auction bid. 

I am hoping that Jimmy and Jude will be fine without me. I have written out ridiculously detailed instructions with a full calendar for the kid and a full page of phone numbers of friendly moms if they need help. Jimmy seems confident. Jude, however, suggested that when I get home I'll find Jimmy sprawled on the sofa dead of dehydration, and Jude dead on the floor of the kitchen, his arms outstretched as he was crawling his way to the refrigerator (he acted all this out with great aplomb), with Fancy eating his leg. Wish them luck.

Oh, I'd better go. The flight attendant has just taken away my hot towel, and is bringing me my beef tenderloin. I think I'll just adjust my seat and turn on the massage feature. Teeheehee. I'll check back in from Spain.

Spin Cycle: Binging

You know, tv's been damned good lately. It used to be that television was Hollywood's red-headed stepchild, where all the B-level talent went when they couldn't get work in the movies. But no more. Now the very best of the best of actors, writers and directors have headed to tv. Between cable stations like HBO and Showtime and internet streamers like Netflix and Amazon, the competition has gotten fierce.

So here's my list of some fab shows that I have been obsessing over lately...

The Best of the Best -

The Honourable Woman

So stinking unbelievably good. A BBC production starring Maggie Gyllenhaal as an Anglo-Israeli heiress/Baroness/businesswoman. Middle East/British political intrigue. Sex. Coooooomplicated characters. Gyllenhaal is so excellent that she just floored me. She is...delicious. Powerful. Raw. Strong. And her British accent is absolutely flawless. Can't recommend this enough. (Netflix)

Second Best American Actress Playing a Brit -

The Fall

Gillian Anderson plays a Scotland Yard superintendent investigating a series of murders in Belfast. Good Brit whodunit stuff, but with tasty, gritty, many-shades-of-gray characters. And speaking of shades of gray (or Shades of Grey if you will), Jamie Dornan plays the bad guy, a seriously twisted but strangely sympathetic serial killer. Fun. (Netflix)

Best Most Screwed Up Family on the Planet

Transparent

Ah, the Pfeffermans! They are a wonderful train wreck! And I'm not talking about Mort/Maura, their transgender father, she's a lovely human being. It's the kids! They are the most self-absorbed group imaginable, and yet you still love them. What an amazing cast! They are ALL fabulous - they just completely go for it - no vanity here, they all allow themselves to be SO vulnerable and...human. Jeffrey Tambor, as Maura, is delightful. Judith Light, as the mom, is stunning, and let's herself be as old as she is. No small thing in Hollywood. No Botox on this woman. Melora Hardin, who usually plays the lovely, aspirational, feminine character (remember her as Monk's dead wife Trudy?), tears it up as Tammy, the narcissistic lesbian. And Bradley Whitford is almost unrecognizable as Maura's transgender friend, Marcy. Warning: LOTS of what I think of as "real people" sex and nudity. By that I mean not the kind of "prettied up" sex you usually see on tv. So you may have a few "I did not need to see that" moments. (Amazon)

Best Documentary That Will Make You Cringe -

State of Play

An HBO Sports documentary produced and narrated by Peter Berg about the culture of sports. Each episode takes a stark and ugly look at a different aspect of sports - searching for happiness after a sports career comes to an end, living with a disabling sports injury, life for a sports wife, and the brutal violence of football (which features my alma mater, Westlake High School in Austin!). But the most cringeworthy episode of all, is the movie which kicked off the series - "Trophy Kids". Anyone who has any kids playing any sports anywhere has to watch this. It follows five obsessive Southern California sports parents and I'm telling you, it's painful. And it makes me wonder why in the hell would anybody agree to let themselves be followed around with a camera like that. You'd have to be pretty out of touch with the reality of your world to think that what you're doing would make you look good on the small screen. Yikes. Watch. (HBO and On Demand)

Best New Brit Myst -

Bletchley Circle

Everything you need in a British mystery series. Period piece. Clever women. Tracking down the killer. Terrific British actresses. Curl up with a cuppa tea. (Netflix)

Best Look at the Juicy Underbelly of the World of Classical Music -

Mozart in the Jungle

Yes, it really is sex, drugs, and classical music. It's a world I adore - New York, the arts, theater, music, temperamental artists - it's good stuff. The show manages to steer clear of the silly, soap operay tone of Smash, and instead reminds me of the brilliantly funny Canadian series Slings & Arrows (which would also be a damned good binge - available on DVD only at Netflix). I adore Gael Garcia Bernal, who plays the passionate Argentinian maestro, who takes over the symphony and shakes things up, and Malcolm McDowell is terrific as the forced-into-retirement older maestro. And it's great to see Bernadette Peters in anything! (Amazon)

Best Silly, Fun, Formulaic (But I Don't Care) TV Show That Isn't New At All But I Just Discovered It (But I Don't Care) and How the Hell Many Episodes Of This Thing Are There Anyway? (But I Don't Care) Sci-Fi Show -

Supernatural

Yes, I know. It's been on for ten years. But I never watched it because, seriously, who on earth over the age of 15 watches the WB/CW channel? But based on my previous sci-fi binging, Netflix kept "suggesting" it to me and when I realized that Kim Manners of The X-Files was one of the producers, I gave it a go and now I'm completely hooked. It's really clever and funny and well-written, and I love watching those Winchester boys kick some demon butt. I am now on...oh good Lord, really? Season 6. That's a lot of demon butts. I keep stepping away and watching something else, but I keep going back for some more Sam and Dean. But I don't care. (Netflix)

Best Show I Can't Binge Because It's on Network TV So I'm Forced to Wait a Full Week Before the Next Show and It's Killing Me -

Empire

I only have to give you one reason to watch Empire. Taraji P. Henson. She is the best thing on television. Seriously. I mean, the rest of the show is fun, but as the jailbird matriarch, Cookie Lyon, Henson is amazing! I watch the show just waiting for her to come on screen. I love her. She's one of those rare characters, like Maggie Smith's Dowager Duchess on Downton Abbey, that makes you want to needlepoint throw pillows with all of their best lines. Only Violet's pillows would be silk crewelwork, and Cookie's would be make out of faux animal print. (FOX)

Okay, so that's what I'm watching lately. What's your latest binge?

 

Catching Up

Well hello.

I don't seem to have been paying much attention to y'all lately, have I? I'm so sorry. I think about y'all all the time, but I just haven't been able to sit down and write anything.

It's funny, the other day I was telling my friend Melissa that despite the fact that I hadn't seen her in months, I felt like I had because I often talk to her INSIDE MY HEAD. I could pick up a phone and call her and actually tell her things, but instead I have long conversations with her INSIDE MY HEAD. She was happy to hear that she's very witty and charming INSIDE MY HEAD, and I love that she always laughs and laughs at my jokes and wholly appreciates what I'm sharing with her. INSIDE MY HEAD.

And that's just where I've been blogging lately. INSIDE MY HEAD. I have written, maybe...15 posts. INSIDE MY HEAD. Trust me, they were all very witty, and clever, and you all loved them all. INSIDE MY HEAD.

But now we are OUTSIDE MY HEAD, so I will try to catch you up a bit on Christmastide in Second Blooming world.

It rained. Finally. Y'all have to understand that we are in a serious drought out here on the west coast. It hadn't rained in moooooonths. So rain was good. What was weird was the way our 100-year old house reacted. About six months ago, the bathroom door stopped closing. The old house had shifted and the door suddenly didn't fit the frame anymore. We had somebody look at it, but he said he was worried about changing anything because it was likely to shift back, and if he messed with it, he'd ruin it. Well guess what? After the rains, the bathroom door now closes perfectly. But now the FRONT door isn't working. It's better now, but for about three days, the only way we could get in or out of our front door was for me to perform what Jude called a "This is Sparta!" on the door. Much like this...

 

 

It really was much like that. Only the role of the Spartan dude in the skirt was played by a middle-aged woman in yoga pants and Uggs. Me. I can't imagine what the neighbors thought. Jude LOVED it! He thought I was a read bad ass.

Jude is, sadly, no longer a believer. And in true Judelike fashion, he was in no way angry that we had deceived him Santa-wise, he was only worried that he had ruined Christmas for me. Because he knew how much I loved the whole Santa business. Sweet boy. So when it came time for him to write his letter to Santa (or letter to "Santa" as he now says with air quotes), he balked, and said he really didn't want anything. After much needling, I discovered that the problem was that he had suddenly realized that Jimmy and I pay for his Christmas presents. All this time he'd been thinking it came for free from the North Pole. How much do I love my kid? So I had to go kind of off-letter this year to figure out what he really wanted. I knew he desperately wanted a gaming computer, but sadly, they are a bit pricey. Then...a high school-aged friend of Jude's told me about...Zee. Zee is a computer geek dude who rebuilds computers and beefs them up with lots of RAM and...video card thingies (okay, clearly I don't have a clue here, it's all very technical and...stuff), and sells them to gamers on the cheap.

So I email this Zee, and he told me he could hook me up with just what Jude needed. All I had to do was drive down and pick up the computer in (cue the ominous dum-dum-dum-dum music)...Bellflower, California. Beautiful Bellflower is a wasteland of stripmalls and factories and storage units situated in the armpit of the 605 and the 91 freeways. Let's say it's in Southeast Hell. Zee then texted me this picture so I could find the building...

I swear to God, this is the place. The things we do for our kids.

Luckily, I did not get sold into white slavery, and Zee turned out to be a righteous dude. He set us up with this baby...

This picture doesn't do it justice - the monitor is massive!

The boy is in heaven. He gave me a hug that would be worth driving to Southeast Hell and back every day.

I managed to avoid a Great Teacher Gift Debacle again this year! See previous disasters HERE and HERE. Nosireebob, I have learned from my mistakes. This year, I found something quick and easy and usable, that has a long shelf-life. Just what I needed. I combined a couple of recipes and this is what I came up with. You should save this recipe for next year...

Rosemary Sea Salt

1 3-lb. box kosher salt

2 bunches fresh rosemary (destemmed)

Finely chop the rosemary. Place salt and rosemary in a large pot, and heat over medium heat, stirring often, until it's heated through - about 10 minutes. Pour into a large bowl to cool. Add to wide-mouthed half-pint Mason jars and seal.

Made 11 half-pint jars. Weird amount I know.

My favorite Mondegreen of late...

Jude asked me why there was a Christmas song about "Korean eyes". After puzzling for a bit, I figured out what he was talking about and explained that the line in "Winter Wonderland" is "It will really be like a picture print from Currier and Ives" not..."Korean eyes".

It reminded me that I spent much of my childhood thinking there was a country called Orientare. As in "We three kings of Orientare."

Maybe folks from Orientare have Korean eyes

Well there you have it. Words have appeared OUTSIDE MY HEAD. In the next couple of days I'll be back with my Feast of the Seven Fishes menu for this year. It was goooood (if I do say so myself).

Merry Christmas, y'all!

 

Almost not bad picture of us if Jude had just stopped moving. Thank you Aida.

Another Thanksgiving in Bullet Points

• Best turkey ever. Seriously. For several years now, I've been brining my turkey using THIS recipe from Alice Waters. And it's been damned good. But this year, I decided to try something new and went DRY brine. Oh yeah. I used this recipe from good ole Southern Living Magazine. It was super simple and MUCH less messy than the wet brine. And the turkey was moist and yummy.

 Herbed Dry Brine for Turkey

3 tbsp. kosher salt

3 tbsp. dark brown sugar

2 tsp. rubbed sage

2 tsp. dried thyme

1 1/2 tsp. freshly ground black pepper

1 tsp. garlic powder

Stir all this together. Pat the turkey dry. Sprinkle 1 tbsp. brine into the cavity of the turkey. Reserve another tbsp. brine for later. Sprinkle the rest all over the turkey, rubbing it into the skin. Cover and chill the big bird for 10 to 24 hours.

When you're ready to roast, rinse the brine off the turkey and pat dry again. Then mix the reserved tbsp. of brine with 1/2 cup of softened butter. Loosen the skin over the turkey breast and spread the butter under the skin over the breast. Oh YES! Amazing!

Then just roast it the way you like to do.

• JUDE ATE SOMETHING GREEN! Spinach, no less! My best friend Kaysie's family always makes Spinach Madeline for holiday meals, and I decided to haul it out this year. I must admit that it's possibly the least healthful vegetable recipe imaginable, right up there with that Bloomin' Onion from the Outback. But he not only ate it, he gobbled it up and asked for SECONDS! Here's the recipe that Kaysie gave me long ago, but I'm afraid that the Jalapeno Cheese stuff can't be located anywhere, so you should substitute Velveeta and some Pepper cheese grated together. I'm thinking you could put in whatever kind of cheese you want, but don't try to make it too healthful or you're defeating the purpose.

Kaysie's Spinach Madeline

2 pkg. frozen chopped spinach (boiled and squeezed very dry - reserve 1/2 cup of liquor)

4 tbsp. (1/4 cup) butter

2 tbsp. minced onion

2 tbsp. flour

1/2 cup evaporated milk

1/2 cup reserved spinach liquor

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper

6 oz. Kraft Jalapeno cheese roll (or Velveeta or Pepper Jack) - cut up or grated

1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce

3/4 tsp. garlic powder

1/2 cup bread crumbs

Melt the butter and saute the onions. Stir in flour to make a roux. Add evaporated milk and spinach liquor and cook until thickened. Add salt and pepper. Add cheese a bit at a time, stirring each addition until it melts before adding more. Add the Worcestershire and garlic powder and spinach. Transfer to a baking pan. Top with bread crumbs. Bake at 350 degrees until it bubbles around the edges, about 30 minutes. Sit in shock as your vegetable-hating child asks for seconds!

• I'm thinking that next year I'm going to find a folding table to set up on the side of the dining room and just go buffet. It's the same problem every year, there's too much food on too many large serving dishes that don't all fit on the table and are too hot and/or heavy to pass. I think it would be easier if we all just got up and helped ourselves. And that way the kids could grab their own food without their parents having to wait on them. Somebody (mmm...Lynn) needs to remind me of this next year!
• Best Thanksgiving purchase - a Girlmade Apple Pie. I am a total snob about store-bought desserts. As in...I won't allow them at my dinner table. I either make it myself or we don't eat it. However...this year I made a slight exception. Jude's school is very involved in do-gooding, and every year each class does an Adopt-a-Family thing. The kids all come up with ideas to raise money for their family. Six little girls in Jude's class got together and offered homemade apple pies, which they took preorders for and then handed out in the carline at school. Those little girls worked themselves silly and damn if that pie wasn't delicious!

• This last Friday after Thanksgiving was possibly the laziest day that our family has ever experienced. Jimmy stayed in bed all day. Really. All. Day. And Jude and I sat on the couch and played video games and ate leftovers until I finally decided that we had to do something productive. So we went and got ice cream. Yes, productive is a relative thing. We then curled back up on the couch with MORE leftovers and watched a double feature - The Princess Bride, followed by Spaceballs. A Sillyathon. Next year we need to add some Monty Python. I am proud to say that Jude is now walking around saying things like "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.", "Inconceivable!" and "May the Schwartz be with you."

Jude, eating ice cream at Scoops, our favorite neighborhood ice cream parlor. Please notice that Jude is dressed only because these are the clothes he wore in Thanksgiving night and he SLEPT IN THEM.

• Best leftover repurposing of the year. I made Aimee's Roasted Sweet Potatoes with Onions recipe again - delicious as always. But by Sunday we were totally OVER the whole leftover thing, so I had to get creative. So I sauteed a mess of kale (That's a Texanism - "a mess". It's a vague measurement that approximately equals "a buttload".), tossed in the leftover sweet potatoes and onions, added olive oil and a half a pound of cooked pasta, then sprinkled it with freshly grated Parmesan and YUM!

Okey dokey, that's all for Thanksgiving. I am proud of myself for not veering too far off my diet and leftovering myself back into my fat pants and for managing to get to the gym twice during the Thanksgiving weekend.

How were your Thanksgivings?

Spin Cycle: Thinking About Bette Davis

I've been thinking about Bette Davis lately. More specifically, I've been thinking about this quote...

 

 

I think Miss Davis had it right. It's not easy, man. This aging thing is tough stuff.

I've always looked younger than my age. I'll never forget one time when I was at the fertility doctor and I was lying back with my feet up in the stirrups and from down there between my legs my doctor said "You have a very youthful uterus." Which I took as a tremendous compliment. But it was exactly what I had expected. I was very youthful all over.

But no more.

I don't really mind the whole looking older thing. I really don't. I'd rather look like myself than like one of those women who have mutilated themselves with surgery trying to look younger. They make me sad. There was a great interview with Frances McDormand in the NY Times recently about aging. She said that looking good should be a boast about experiences accrued and insights acquired, a triumphant signal “that you are someone who, beneath that white hair, has a card catalog of valuable information.” She makes me happy.

But the other aspects of growing old are a drag. The other day, Jude teased me about saying "a drag". He informed me that only people my age and older say "a drag". I told him that having your child tease you about saying "a drag" was a drag. But I digress...

Menopause is an awful thing. Really, truly awful. I ran into an old friend at an audition the other day and she said "I always used to say that God was a woman. But there's no way in hell that a woman invented menopause, so I think I was wrong." It's really hell. I have decided that the reason God created menopause was a "propagation of the species" thing. The older you are, the less energy you have to care and feed the children, so for the good of the species, the mothering thing needs to be handed off to younger women. So God created menopause so that, between the sweating and the belly fat, no man would ever want to have sex with the old broads again, and would move on to the younger cavewomen. I believe this to be true.

My body is betraying me. I get so tired. I've been exercising like mad lately, which makes me feel great right afterward, but by 8:00 pm I just crash - can't keep my eyes open. The idea of going out after 8 at night fills me with dread. I just want my bed and my Netflix. The other night I didn't go to my choir rehearsal because I had gotten up that morning at 6 am to meet the film crew that was filming our front yard, and then had taken a "Slow Burn" class at the Y, and by 6 pm, I was so, so, so tired that I just got into bed. The idea of getting into the car and driving anywhere was just beyond me. I was asleep before Jude.

I keep thinking "I may be older, but at least I'm wiser." But that's bull because my brain is like a stinking sieve. I forget everything. The other day, I had the following thought process...

Okay. Jude has a half-day at school today, which means I need to pick him up at noon. So I should go to the 9:30 spin class at the YMCA. Then I can be home by 10:30ish and can shower and change. Then I can be over to the church by noon to meet the guy about the bingo equipment. Perfect!

Hmm. Have you noticed the problem here? If not, reread it quickly. That's right, I scheduled a meeting at the church at the same time I was supposed to pick my child up at school. And I really, truly didn't notice this discrepancy. I was operating under the misconception that everything was going perfectly. Until about 12:20, when my kid started sending me ornery texts - "WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!". By the time I got over to the school, I was 47 minutes late, which Jude is still complaining about. And saddest of all, I LIED to him about why I was late! I told him I got stuck at this meeting at the church which ran late. I just couldn't admit to him that I had just totally derped. That's a word Jude invented - derp. It means exactly what it sounds like it should mean. And I do it all the time.

If it's this bad now, and I'm only 53, what's it going to be like at 83? Will my brain have melted into a gelatinous goo? Will my middle-aged spread have widened into an old-aged sprawl? Will I end up like Mommy's friend Cathy who talks endlessly about her gas?

I am determined not to let any of this happen because I am NOT a SISSY, though it's hard to keep this in mind when you're having a hot flash. So to encourage myself, I will leave you with a couple more words of wisdom from Bette Davis...

"The key to life is accepting challenges. Once someone stops doing this, he's dead."

and if that doesn't work...

"There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne."

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