Second Blooming

A Gift For Mommy

In a week, we are heading to New York for a two week stay with the in-laws. This year, all three of us are making the trip. Jimmy usually finds some "terribly important" work situation which gets him out of long stays with his parents. But since his recent near-death experience, he feels the need for some parental bonding. I'm hoping it's not a mistake.

This post, however,  is not about our upcoming visit. It's about something I need help with. In a couple of weeks, Mommy, my beloved, wacky, Brooklyn-Italian-American mother-in-law will be celebrating her 85th birthday! And still looking damned good I must say.

Mommy sunbathing in one of her slutty tank tops.

But I don't have a clue what to get her as a birthday gift! I mean, you can only give somebody a certain number of flashy earrings and slutty tank tops before it gets a little old. Last year, I went to Target (or as Mommy calls it "The Targets") and bought her makeup must-haves - her frosty pink lipstick, her black eyeliner. She liked this very much ("Loreal! SO FANCY!!). But this year, I'm clueless. Please read THIS POST which describes my similar problem locating what she wanted for Christmas.

I decided I needed to seek out help, and I found this cool website - Gifts.com. They have a gift finder with a "personality profiler", so I thought I'd give it a try. As a test, I did a profile for my Mama, and man, did they nail her. Their suggestions for her were perfect, from the LL Bean totebag to the backgammon set to the Jane Eyre scarf.

This is a great website! Let me give it a try for Mommy. Okay, let's start up this profiler...

Select Your Recipient: Woman.

Name: Mommy

Age: Senior

Okay, first question...

Her morning ritual includes...

1. A workout.
2. A crossword puzzle.
3. Checking emails.
4. None of the Above.

Hmm...they don't seem to offer Watching That Matt Lauer on the Today Program. So...None of the Above.

Question 2 -

She is best known for her...

1. Delicious baking.
2. Artistic flair.
3. Impeccable style.
4. None of the Above.

Well Mommy has never baked. And she isn't artistic. Do slutty tanktops count as Impeccable Style? ...None of the Above.

Question 3 -

A perfect vacation for her would be...

1. A trip through Europe.
2. A cruise in the Caribbean.
3. RV-ing with the grandkids.
4. None of the Above.

Mommy is afraid to leave her house. Actually, she's afraid for anybody to leave their house. None of the Above.

Question 4 -

She can never have too many (much)...

1. Parties.
2. Books.
3. Time with grandkids.

While Mommy does enjoy a good party, I don't think she's a party animal. And she hasn't read a book since 1947. Wait! Time with grandkids! Yes, that's Mommy!

Question 5 -

She'd love to take a class for...

1. Computers.
2. Yoga.
3. Arts.

You gotta be kidding me. None of the Above.

So let's see what they suggest...

Oh dear. This is not right. Some of their suggestions...

The Terazzo Two Person Picnic Case. Could you imagine Mommy and Pop on a picnic?! Outside? With the bugs? And if she got to the ground, they'd have to call 911 to get her up again!

The Kent Dual Drive Tandem Comfort Bike. HAAAAAAA!! Hysterical!!

LL Bean Discovery Binoculars. For use while hiking or...heeheeheehee...birdwatching! I GUFFAW! Could you picture Mommy BIRDWATCHING?!

 

Well clearly, this site is not understanding Mommy at all. So I thought I'd open it up to all of you and see if you can come up with something brilliant. Maybe if I end up using one of your ideas, I could give you a prize. Like maybe a phone call from Mommy or something. Though I can't guarantee that as she's kind of afraid of people on "the internets". Maybe a jar of Mommy's secret beauty elixir - Vaseline.

So here's a bit about Mommy to help you get some ideas...

Mommy is a bundle of love and neuroses.

Mommy's turn-ons are cleaning, chocolate, General Hospital, slutty tank tops, the Blessed Mother, blackberry brandy, flashy jewelry, sunbathing, talking to her girlfriends on the phone (all of whom are named Cathy) and her children/grandson. Her turn-offs include germs, bugs, lightning, elevators, bras, logic, "The City", all the scary things she hears about on The Today Show and often...Pop. Picture Edith Bunker with brassy hair and a top that shows just a little too much skin.

What Mommy does all day...

1. Cooks.
2. Cleans.
3. Watches tv.
4. Talks on the phone.

That's really pretty much all she does. She and Pop used to go out to dinner with friends pretty often. But sadly, most of their friends have died. And going out is getting harder and harder.
Ditto having guests. They used to have people over all the time, but now not so much.

I used to do pretty well just buying her some flashy clothes at some store that features clothing which most people would consider extremely inappropriate for a woman of her age - Victoria's Secret, Forever 21. But since she never goes anywhere, she doesn't really need her fancy outfits.

If  Mommy deems a gift "too nice" she will never use it. She will save it "for good". Stores she considers "too nice" are...well pretty much everything other than "The Targets" and Kohl's and maybe Macy's if it's on sale.

So what do you think? Ideas anybody? That perfect, incredibly thoughtful gift that will make Mommy so happy? PLEASE HELP!

Conditioned

A couple of months ago, I got an email from the folks at BlogHer asking if I'd be willing to do a review of Dove Hair Conditioner. And since between the sun and the beach and the pools I had been absolutely frying my poor hair all summer, I thought "Sure!" (plus, I must admit, I'm a sucker for getting free stuff in the mail!). Then I realized that the time they were sending out the free bottles was when I was in New York visiting the in-laws, and I thought it would be a great opportunity for my beloved 83-year old mother-in-law, Mommy, to review the product too! So the nice people at Dove sent me a big bottle of Dove Nutritive Therapy Nourishing Oil Care Conditioner, and Mommy and I got to product testing.

My thoughts...

The conditioner they sent me - Nourishing Oil Care - is supposed to "revive dry, rough and frizzy hair". Which I have to say, my hair has been. Especially when I was in NY and the humidity was so awful. And I have to confess, I was a little doubtful, since I'm more of a "leave-in product" kind of girl, regular conditioners don't usually do much to defrizz my hair.

But I was pleasantly surprised by the Dove. It's really thick and rich and smells nice. And it leaves my hair feeling extremely soft. Like...really, really soft. Decidedly softer than other conditioners I've been using.

Did it get rid of all the frizz? No. But it tamed much of it. And remember that frizz is my hair's bane. And it impressed me enough that I now want to get the Dove Leave In Smoothing Cream, which they suggest on the back of the packaging, but I haven't been able to find at the grocery store. I'm thinking that the two products together will tame my hair beast.

So I vote thumbs up for the Dove Conditioner.

Mommy's thoughts...

[For those of you unfamiliar with Mommy, please check out Beauty Tips From Mommy, which explains quite a bit about the woman. You should also remember that Mommy's hair is...how should I say this...processed. A lot. Really, really processed a lot. I don't think it's been without a perm and color since about 1978.]

I liked it! I think it highlights the hair and makes the color nicer. Shinier! I've been kinda losing my hair lately, and I think it made my hair stronger! It restored it!

[I have no idea what this means. Nor do I know if "hair restoration" is part of what Dove Conditioner is supposed to do. But Mommy thinks it works. Which is, of course, very Mommyish.]

So Mommy votes thumbs up for the Dove Conditioner.

That's two thumbs up! Hurray!

Wait! Don't go yet! There's a sweepstakes! You can win a $1000 Spafinder gift card! And who doesn't want that! Dang! Just follow the link below, answer my question, leave your info, and you'll be entered to win. What's my question? Hmmm...the Dove people kindly told us to make up our own questions...how about...Describe your dream hair - if you could have any kind of hair in the world, what would it be?

So here's all the sweepstakes info. Good luck!

Enter to win a $1,000 Spafinder gift certificate!

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY

COMMENTS TO THIS POST ARE NOT SWEEPSTAKES ENTRIES. PLEASE SEE BELOW FOR ENTRY METHODS FOR THIS SWEEPSTAKES.

You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:

a) Follow this link, and provide your email address and your response to the Promotion prompt

b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: "#SweepstakesEntry"; and then visit this link to provide your email address and the URL to that Tweet.

c) Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and then visit this link to provide your email address and the URL to that post.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. Winners will have 72 hours to claim the prize, or an alternative winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 9/4/2012 - 9/30/2012

Be sure to visit Dove^®Hair.com to get a coupon for $1.50 off Dove Hair Therapy products.

 

Full Disclosure

WARNING: ANY MAN WHO HAS FOOLISHLY CHOSEN TO READ TODAY'S POST SHOULD LEAVE IMMEDIATELY IF HE WANTS WOMEN TO REMAIN ALLURING AND MYSTERIOUS. BECAUSE SOME TRUTHS ARE ABOUT TO BE TOLD.

We all remember getting "The Talk". The birds and the bees. Becoming...a woman. My Mama ate this stuff up - loved being my "girlfriend". I remember her getting all misty-eyed about how her little girl was growing up. She bought me an assortment of feminine hygiene products, which she insisted on showing me how to use. My BFF Kaysie's mom had just filled a grocery sack with a variety of Kotex and left them outside her bedroom door in the middle of the night. But Mama actually wanted to HELP ME insert my first tampon! I kid you not. She insisted on hovering outside the bathroom door, "Is it in? Did you get it in?" "GO AWAY MOTHER! I can do this myself!"

But despite Mama's thorough and enthusiastic introduction to all things "woman", she never once talked to me about the next major phase in our lives...(cue ominous dum, dum, dum music)...menopause. She didn't share with me one single thing -- not a word. Despite the fact that she must have been going through it at the same time I was becoming a teenager (just imagine my poor Daddy's misery!), she never even mentioned her "change". It was a different time.

But now, BlogHer, in conjunction with Poise, is not only encouraging us, but actually PAYING us to have...The Second Talk. That's right, everything your mother never told you about The Change. And amazingly, Poise is actually launching a new first-of-its-kind line of over-the-counter "feminine wellness products" to help with symptoms of menopause! I'm gonna need to repeat that phrase - "first-of-its-kind". There has never been a line of products which exclusively help the symptoms of menopause! SAD. Clearly, this Poise company is run by women!

So here I go. Here's the Second Talk that your mother should have given you. I suggest you prepare yourselves. Mmmm...perhaps you should sit down.

The following are some of the hideous changes which will happen to your body...

1. Schedule/Smedule.

For my entire womanhood, my periods have been like clockwork. Every 30 days..."Hello Girlfriend." But as soon as this whole peri-menopause thing started my period got all weird and off schedule. It will go away for months and then BANG - back again. Sometimes I'll have TWO in a month. Misery. It happens.

2. You will have a Carrie moment.

And I don't mean this Carrie...

I mean this Carrie...

The term "stuck pig" comes to mind. After a lifetime of being a Regular tampon kind of girl, I am suddenly a Super Plus. And since it now shows up at random and inconvenient times, it's hard to always be prepared.

3. You will experience the pain of being incinerated from the inside out.

Also known as the hot flash. But "hot" is such a mild adjective that I feel I should elucidate. A burning heat begins in the center of your body and quickly radiates out to all of your extremities. Your pulse races; your breathing quickens. Sweat breaks out all over your body. You twitch and shake as if you're being electrocuted. I liken it to The Cruciatus Curse.

And this tends to be brought on by both coffee and alcohol, in other words, everything that makes life worth living. They also pop up when you're emotional or stressed, say...in the middle of a presentation or job interview or singing a solo. You know, convenient times like that.

And guess what? There's nothing you can do to stop them. Nothing. You can, however, kind of ease them. I'm looking forward to trying these new Poise products...

Roll-On Cooling Gel

Body Cooling Towelettes

...both of which claim to provide an "instant cooling sensation", which makes me slightly weak with desire for them.

4. You will become a nasty bitch.

Or a nastier bitch, depending on the mood in which you begin this whole odyssey. I am not a "hormonal" person. I have never known what PMS felt like. Weird, but true. Now, however? Oh yes. I get it. A biting, self-righteous, bitter anger toward everyone and everything stupid. Which is everyone and everything. My bullshit tolerance is down to zero. Actually...it's kind of freeing. Everybody better just shut up and stay out of my way.

5. You will pee yourself.

Yes, I know many of you lost the ability to control your urine flow back when you birthed a large child out of your small vagina. But sadly, menopause will make it worse. Forget jumping jacks or the trampoline, this happens when you're just sneezing or...walking.

6. Funky things will happen to your hoo-hoo.

Thankfully, none of this stuff has happened to me...yet. But apparently, it will. First of all, you will experience some kind of dreadful vaginal odor. I don't know exactly how dreadful we're talking about here. Try Googling "vaginal odor menopause" and you will gasp in horror. Poise is making these babies...

Panty fresheners

...which I think work kind of like those air fresheners you hang from your rearview mirror. Good to know. Because, seriously, I like to feel all pretty down there.

Also, your hoo-hoo will...dry up. I can't think of anything that would make a woman feel more like a hideous old hag than a dried-up hoo-hoo. I am not looking forward to this one at all. The good news is that lubricant is easy, and Poise's Personal Lubricant is made without fragrance, glycerin, or parabens.

Okay, ladies, that's it. That's your Second Talk. I hope you consider yourselves informed. And empowered. The truth will set you free. There's no reason to panic, we're all in it together.

You may now invite the men back into the room.

Poise brand wants to rally 1 million women to pledge to have The Second Talk by October 18th, which is World Menopause Day (who knew?). Please join the conversation and take the pledge at The2ndTalk.com.

BlogHer and Poise are also having a SWEEPSTAKES in which you can win...drumroll...a $250 Visa Gift Card! And who doesn't want that?!

All you have to do to be entered for a chance to win is to leave a comment answering the question "When do you feel most confident?" Here are the rules and how to win

No purchase necessary to enter or win.

Only unique Entries will be counted; duplicates will not be considered as an additional entry.

You may receive entries on this post by selecting from the following entry methods starting on July 26, 2012 at 9 a.m. PT and ending on August 24, 2012 at 5 p.m. PT:

a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post.

b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion, including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: “#sweepstakesentry”; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post.

c) Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post.

d) To enter without posting comments, see official rules.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail and will have 72 hours to respond or a new winner will be selected. Void where prohibited.

Be sure to visit Poise's brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers' reviews and find more chances to win!

And the Winner Is...

 

RTT: Yoko, Man Spanx and Condoms

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I am still in the Christmas spirit, despite having spent ONE HOUR in a line at the Walmart yesterday, picking up something I'd ordered through Walmart.com. I thought I'd save the shipping by taking the "Pick Up at the Store" option. NEVER AGAIN. I was down at the Walmart in the 'hood, and I'm telling you, this was a room full of pissed off people. ONE painfully slow woman working TWO lines at the same time. 45 people in the lines, crammed into a tiny room. You'd think that being in one of their commercials would be me some kind of perks. Not happy. Jude, however, will be happy when he gets this...

Which he's craving. And it's coming from Jimmy and me, not Santa. So now the kid won't think the only thing we give him is socks.

____________________________________

 

I've been listening to the All-Christmas-Music-All-the-Time radio station lately. And so therefore, I am singing Christmas songs all the time. All. The. Time. In the store. While I cook. In the shower. While I clean. Yes, I am that woman. I know that I am driving my family crazy, because I'm driving MYSELF crazy. The other day, I couldn't stop singing John Lennon's "Happy Christmas". On and on I sang - "So this is Christmas, And what have you done?, Another year over, And a new one just begun..." and unfortunately, every time I got to the Yoko part, I kept singing it in my  best Yoko voice, which is rather high-pitched and unpleasant "A very Merry Christmas, And a happy New Year, Let's hope it's a good one, Without any fear". After several hours of this, just when I was about to start slamming my head against the wall until I could shake the Yoko out of my head, Jimmy came into the kitchen with a particularly insane and serious look on his face "Are you finished singing that yet? Because I think you're finished singing that." Then he walked out again. I guess I was finished singing it.

"War is over over, If you want it, War is over, Now..."

___________________________________

 

I saw these at Nordstrom's while I was Christmas shopping...

Teehee.

____________________________________

 

The other day, I was at the checkout at Target. The clerk was ringing up my purchase (Mason jars, wrapping paper, martini glasses - the usual Christmas stuff), and I suddenly realized that there, on top of my big bundle of toilet paper, was a very large box of Trojan Condoms. "Oh..." I stopped the checker, "Those aren't mine." The clerk, another middle-aged woman, and I turned to the next person in line, a cholo-type young man, replete with tattoos and piercings. "I guess these are yours." said the clerk. The young kid turned absolutely scarlet. He was completely flustered and started to stutter. It was hysterical. He reacted as if he had been busted by his grandma. I've never felt so old!

____________________________________

Arlene Francis is always my go-to gal for gay new ideas...

_________________________________

I've been busy, busy planning my Feast of the Seven Fishes for Christmas Eve, and I think I've decided on a signature cocktail for the evening.  A Lemon Martini. Not too sweet, not too sour, and I think the lemon will go well with the evening of all seafood. I have been doing a tiny bit of experimentation with the recipe. I mean, certainly I needed to, to make sure the recipe was up to par. It would have been irresponsible to my guests not to. So here's what I've settled on. Quite tasty, I must say...

Lemon Martini

2 parts vodka

2 parts citron vodka

2 parts lemon juice

1 part simple syrup

1 part triple sec

Shake together with ice in a cocktail shaker, then serve straight up with a twist of lemon peel.

Drink.

___________________________________

 

My GIVEAWAY IS STILL OPEN! You have until FRIDAY to get your name in for a chance to win a box of GORGEOUS A Papier Letterpress Stationery. PLEASE check out this link for more info...HERE.

I fear that this picture doesn't do this stationery justice. It is beautiful and elegant. You SHOULD enter my drawing. Again, the link is HERE. Just follow the instructions. It's EASY.

___________________________________

 

I'm going all classical on you for this weeks carol. This is what my choir's been working on for Christmas - The 1st Movement of Vivaldi's Gloria. It's really fun to sing. Not quite as fun as Handel, but pretty damned inspiring. Please enjoy. I fear we are not this good. Just saying...

 

___________________________________

So after you've entered yourself into my giveaway drawing, be sure to head over and visit Stacy and her merry band of randomizers.

...A very Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year, let's hope it's a good one, without any fear...oh damn, that was in the Yoko voice again!

Looky! A Giveaway, Y'all!

In the spirit of giving and thankfulness, I am hereby having a Christmas giveaway for all you faithful readers!

My lovely and talented neighbor, Alyson, has a fabulous letterpress stationery company, A Papier. She's made custom-designed stationery for loads of celebrities, including Jennifer Aniston, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Jessica Alba and Laurence Fishburne. That's right, celebrity stationery, y'all. This stuff is gorgeous!

So I have procured for you, dear readers, a box of 8 Mixed Letterpress cards...

Every mixed box that Alyson makes is a little different, so they're not exactly like those in the picture, but it has a beautiful mix of cards - Birthday cards...

 

a Sympathy card...

...a Father's Day card, a Welcome Baby card, a Valentine's Day card...

 

Something elegant and stylish for every occasion. And who doesn't want that?!

So, here's the deal. I'm going to do a good old-fashioned drawing. No Random.com this time. You have FOUR ways to get your name in the bowl.

1.  Leave a comment, telling me how very much you need this fabulous box of stationery. Or, actually, you could just tell me whatever pops into your head. Surprise me.
2. Click "Join This Site" on the Google Friend Connect thingy on the right. Then after you've done your joining, let me know you did it in your comment.
3. "Like" me on Facebook on that other little thingy on the right. Then let me know you did it in your comment.
4. Click the "Follow Me on Twitter" dealy on the right. I must admit, I'm a sporadic Tweeter. So really, following me won't clutter up your Twitter feed an inordinate amount. Then...let me know you did it in your comment.

For each of these things you do, I will put your name in the bowl. So you could have your name in there FOUR times. Cool.

Then, on Friday, that's this Friday, December 16th, I'll vlog the drawing. So you'll see the exciting moment live (on video).  I know, REALLY exciting. That was sarcasm. I really need to work on developing that sarcasm font I keep talking about.

So anyway, then I will promise to mail it to the big winner sometime before the end of the year. I really swear I will try to be prompt this time. I am a notoriously slow mailer, but I will work hard to do better.

Alrighty then. You know what you have to do. I wanna see oodles and oodles of comments! This is the time for all you lurkers to unlurk and tell me who you are!

Good luck, and Merry Christmas!

 

Spin Cycle: A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words - Part Two

This week's Spin Cycle topic is "Picture Essay".

Yesterday I showed you the picture...

 

And here's the essay...

That is...my Mama. Yep, the one with the bottle of bourbon and the mustache. The place was Chicago. The time: 1945. According to Mama, she and some friends were just having a little party in her apartment. When I asked her why it was all women, she reminded me that "the boys" were all off fighting in WWII, and the girls were left to have fun on their own. That, by the way, was one of her favorite party tricks - the mustache thing. She taught me how to do it when I was just a little girl. The bourbon thing she taught me much later.

Yes, back before my Mama reinvented herself as a church lady and bastion of Southern gentility, she had...a bit of a past. In fact, there were many bits that she never told me about, which I have now come to understand were somewhat nefarious. But out of respect for her privacy, I will only tell y'all the bits she chose to tell me about. She loved to tell a good story, but I'm not entirely sure about the veracity of her tales. There are many things that I have, since her death, come to know weren't exactly 100% true. So keep that in mind.

Mama was born in Aberdeen, South Dakota in 1923, the 5th of 7 children. They lived in a big farm house and her daddy was an attorney, and member of the South Dakota House of Representatives. Her life changed drastically when she was 10. Her mother died (of pneumonia, I think) and her father died a year later (not sure why, but Mama claimed it was from a broken heart). Seven children, the Depression. A hard time. Mama's older sister, Gladys, and her oldest brother, Frank, raised all their younger siblings. Uncle Frank once said that "some days they ate potatoes and water, and other days they ate water and potatoes.)

I don't think that Mama ever got along with her sister, Gladys. Poor Gladys was a young woman of 21 when their parents died, and she was forced to put her life on hold while she took care of all these little kids. And I think Mama was a bit of a handful. While she never really told me this directly, I am in possession of Mama's old high school yearbooks, which are FILLED with inscriptions telling her how much "fun" she was, and how much "personality and pep" she exhibited. She was a yell leader. Her senior yearbook has THREE references to a certain Prom Night, all illustrated by little drawings of bottles with "XXX" written on them, and something about "fun" in the backseat that time they all drove to Sioux Falls. Mama did tell me that Aunt Gladys refused to let her wear lipstick, so she secretly bought some and hid it in her purse, then would stop and put it on while walking to school, using a shop window as a mirror.

According to Mama, after graduating high school in Spring of 1941, she went away to college at the University of Washington, in Seattle. I am not at all sure if this is true, but she does seem to have been in Seattle at this time. I can't imagine how her family was paying for college for her, I don't think she was much of a scholar - pretty busy having all that "fun". Anyway, she claimed that Aunt Gladys had insisted on giving her a home perm before she left for Seattle, but it turned out horribly. In a fit of hysteria, she pulled out her fingernail clippers in the bathroom on her train to Seattle, and cut all her hair off into a short, but stylish bob. I like to believe this was true.

Then, on December 7, 1941, she was snow skiing with some friends, and when she got to the bottom of the mountain for lunch, everybody was screaming and crying and when she got the the lodge, they were all clustered around a radio. Pearl Harbor had been bombed. As all her brothers joined the military, she was forced to leave college.

She said that she then got a job in a factory at a shipyard in Seattle. Rosie the Riveter stuff. I asked her once what she had done exactly, and she said something vague about sorting bolts on a conveyor belt. As you can imagine, a girl with all that "personality and pep" didn't last long in such a tedious job, and she soon headed off for the big city.

Eventually, she made her way to Chicago. By herself, which I think was pretty bold and adventurous at the time. She said that she talked her way into a job as a telephone operator for a big sporting goods company in Chicago. She lied and told them she knew how to run a switchboard. Apparently, on the first day, she created a complete disaster and got all the lines switched. But instead of firing her, they promoted her to Receptionist. I told you she had "personality and pep"! She loved working there because all the young men were away fighting in the war, and the place was populated by older, "fatherly" men who looked after her. Yeah, right.

She had quite a few stories from that time. She claimed that she modeled for Marshall-Fields...

 

She claimed that she was hit on in nightclubs by both Danny Thomas and Mel Torme, but succumbed to neither of them. Danny Thomas was a married man, and Mel Torme was...short. She also claimed that she had several male friends who were gay, and she liked to go out with them because they'd take her out to a nice dinner and a movie, but didn't try to get any S-E-X.

My favorite Mama-brush-with-greatness story was about a night when she was out with her friends. According to Mama, in those days all the girls wanted to look like they could hold their liquor. So they'd drink and drink, then go into the bathroom and make themselves throw up, then go back out and drink more. Sort of alcoholic bulimia. "All the girls did it!" she claimed. So this one night, she was in a nightclub bathroom vomiting up her Mai Tais and heard the girl in the next stall doing the same. When they both came out to clean up and rinse their mouths, the girl in the next stall turned out to be...Veronica Lake.

Another of her weirder stories was about a time when she and a roommate were painting their apartment. She said she was trying to paint the ceiling, so she balanced a chair on top of the radiator, and stood on it. Of course she took a tumble, and the back of the chair rammed her between the legs. Unfortunately, she had in a tampon, and she got so swollen up that she had to go to the emergency room to have the tampon removed. I have fact checked this crazy story, and tampons were, in fact, being sold by the late 1940s - but most women still used Kotex. Maybe she was a pioneer.

Now I need to explain that these tasty little stories came out of her in drips and drabs. Most of the time, she pretended to be terribly upright and straightlaced, and then suddenly one of these tidbits would come tumbling out. Mama was a puzzle.

Interestingly, it was during this period of her life when she converted to Catholicism. Which in my mind, must have involved some serious thought and a certain amount of spiritual curiosity. But all she really said about it was that she liked being Catholic, because there was a cathedral in Chicago that held masses every hour on the hour all night Saturday night, and she could just leave the nightclubs, hit a mass at 2:00 in the morning, then go home and crash and she had fulfilled her Sunday church obligation and could sleep in.

Her life during the entire second half of the 1940s is a mystery to me. I know her sister, my Aunt Joey moved to Chicago to go to nursing school, and they lived together. But that's about it.

The last Chicago story that Mama shared was that she had been engaged to be married. To a rich boy from Long Island (ha!) named Lawrence Vincent Snyder, III. She claimed that they had even gone so far as to send out the wedding invitations, when she chickened out and ran away. She said she had a good girlfriend, Mary Jane, who had gotten married and moved to Austin, Texas, of all places, and when she ran away from Lawrence Vincent Snyder, III, she got on a train and hightailed it to Austin, because she didn't think anybody would think to look for her in such a place.

The rest, of course, is history. She met my Daddy and became upright and ladylike and a wonderful wife, homemaker and mother.

So there you go, the story of the picture. Myyearwiththemouse blew me away by guessing Chicago! And very close to the right date. But I have to give the prize to Michele, who wrote and entire, brilliant story about these partying ladies. Tell you what, Michele, when you come out to LA for that conference, I'll take you out for a drink.

Please drop by Sprite's Keeper for more spins on "Picture Essay".

Spin Cycle: A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words - Part One

Today, we're going to play a little game. It's Reader Participation Day!

The Spin Cycle topic this week is "Picture Essay". And I thought it might be fun if I provided the picture, and y'all came up with the essay. Or at least what you think might be going on in the picture.

This is one of my favorite pictures in the world...

 

It is a personal picture of mine, and one of the people in the shot is a relative. I love this picture for many reasons, mostly because it's so packed with detail, evocative of a time period and evocative of the relative.

So leave a comment and give me your best shot. Who do you think this is, and what is going on here? Who/what/where/when?

I guess I should give a prize for whoever gets the closest to the truth, but I'm afraid it might be kind of subjective, and hard to judge. Maybe if somebody really nails it I'll cough up a Starbucks gift card or something.

Anyway, come back tomorrow, and I'll tell you the real story of the picture. And knowing me and my long-windedness it may take 1000 words!

The Un Mom: Super Gretchen

Today's post is courtesy of the amazing Keely, also known as The Un Mom. Many of you may know her as the originator and host of Random Tuesday Thoughts, though she has been on hiatus for a bit now. Which makes us all sad. Not that Stacy isn't doing a fine job. But still. We miss Keely. She's HUGE in the UK, you know.

I have had the privilege of meeting and palling around with Keely at BlogHer last year. Keely, Jenni (of Oscarelli, yesterday's guest blogger), Becky (the Suburban Matron) and I hung out together for two days, and had the BEST time. In addition to being a wonderfully funny and insightful writer, and the most sarcastic Canadian that I know, Keely is a gifted graphic artist. Lucky me. You'll soon find out why I said this. You're going to be SO jealous. REALLY. You are. You are gonna pee yourselves with jealousy when you see what Keely made me. Ooooo boy are you gonna be JEALOUS.

But hold your horses! Before you can read and see Keely's post, you MUST VOTE FOR ME for Circle of Mom's Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs!

Just click on the button, then scroll down until you find Second Blooming and then click the little Thumbs Up button.

Even if you've already voted, DO IT AGAIN! You must vote every single day.

Did you do it? No.

I'm not going to let you see Keely's post until you do. SO DO IT.

Okay that's better. I will now present you with...

Super Gretchen

Gretchen asked me long before the beginning of all her camping adventures if I would guest post for her. I agreed, and then forgot, because I'm an asshole like that. But she gave me a gentle and polite reminder, with an easy out if I wanted it, because she's generous and kind even in the face of assholery. So of course I said I would.

Naturally I left it until the last minute, so I went out for a run and asked my brain what I should write about. The only idea my brain would give me was "draw Gretchen as a super hero", which just proves that my brain is also an asshole, especially when I wake it up at 5am to go running.

So I give you: The Thespian Avenger and her sidekick, Water Boy!

The Thespian Avenger is depicted with her secret weapon, a sarcastic skull named Horatio. Her symbol is a funnel cloud, because not only is she a whirlwind of activity, if you ask her nicely she'll recite a commercial she once did that features funnels. Heh.

I encourage you to come back tomorrow, because unlike when you ask me to guest post, normally there is much worth reading here.

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Note from Gretchen: PLEASE leave a comment for Keely so you know how incredibly jealous you are. Maybe if you're nice enough to her she'll make one for you.

Hints and Help

I'm on vacation for a week. Hawaii? A cruise? Here are your hints...

1. Schlepping.
2. Bugs.
3. Pee bucket.
4. Bad food.
5. Snoring.
6. Contraband liquor.
7. Stinky men.
8. Stinky boys.
9. Stinkier men.
10. Stinkier boys.

Have you guessed where I am?

That's right! I'm camping with the Cub Scouts yet again. This time, an entire week in Lake Arrowhead, CA. Which would be a lovely destination for a vacation if one was staying in a bed and breakfast, and not a canvas tent.

And once again, some excellent blogger friends of mine have foolishly agreed to guest post. Honestly, I think they just feel sorry for me. Don't worry, you'll like them, you'll really, really like them.

In the meantime, I need to ask y'all a favor. I've nominated myself (yes, I nominated myself - please don't judge me) on Circle of Moms Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs. Some big name bloggers are in the running for this (my friend Elizabeth is at the top!) , and they have their people out in force, so I need help from all of you! And that includes all you lurkers, you know who you are. And the thing is, you can vote ONCE A DAY. So you can go back and vote for me over and over. As I'm sure you will. So, as Al Capone said "Vote early and vote often."

Just click this little button here...

Then scroll way, way down until you find Second Blooming, and click on the little Thumbs Up thingy.

Wish me luck with the camping. Come back tomorrow for surprises. And thank you for your support.