Second Blooming

So I Did That

I had the sex talk with Jude.

Even though it seems to me that he's still a little young for this, I went ahead with it because...

1. He was asking some questions.
2. A certain amount of puzzling misinformation seemed to be floating around amongst his little gang of friends.
3. All the girls at school seemed to already know everything.
4. I hated the idea that he would be the very last one to know. I would rather him be the one with the accurate answers than be like my friend Gwen, who thought that you got pregnant if a boy peepeed on you.

So I'd been kind of looking for an opening, you know, thinking I'd find an organic, casual segue into the whole thing. I didn't want to make too big of a deal about it, and scar him for life. But I'd been waiting for this elusive organic, casual segue for quite some time. I mean, I couldn't just say "I love that Lego tower! And speaking of erections..." or "Oops you dropped the baseball. You know, there are other balls that drop as well."

Then, the other night, I was tucking him into bed and he asked me "Mom, what does 'doing your wife' mean?" Thank you YouTube! It was perfect!

I told him that "doing your wife" was a crude way of saying "have sex with your wife" and I told him that I thought he was old enough to be told the details of all of that if he thought he was ready.

This interested him very much indeed. He sat up eagerly and said that yes, he would very much like to know all about it. And so, I began.

Mostly, I talked about parts. Boy parts and girl parts. And how they grow and change. And what comes out of some parts and goes into other parts. I used lots of technical words like "semen" and "testicle" and "intercourse" and "vagina". He nodded intently. He seemed mostly interested in erections and breasts. The other parts seemed a little icky and vague.

He asked me some good questions. He said that he had been under the impression that "having sex" was getting naked and kissing a lot. He was unaware of all the parts stuff, and seemed a little disappointed. But I assured him that getting naked and kissing was also done at the same time the weird parts stuff was done, and he seemed relieved. He was interested in the number of eggs that a lady had in her, and if they ran out as she got older, and when I told him that this was true, he asked if that was why he was an only child and I said yes. This seemed to comfort him a little - it was all just a biological issue.

The only thing that seemed to genuinely upset him was the whole menstruation thing. Which maybe I didn't have to go into, but I was on a roll. "The girls have to BLEED?! Every month?! That is SO unfair!! Does it HURT?! Why would God DO that to them?!" Why indeed. I didn't go into anything about Eve and the damned apple, but said that it was just what we had to go through in order to be able to create a baby in our bodies, which is about the coolest thing to do in the world. This seemed to appease him a bit. And I have to say, I was pleased by his empathy.

After I finished all this talking, he put his head down on his pillow, deep in thought. I figured that I should let him go to sleep and ponder all the serious, life-changing information I'd imparted. He looked at me questioningly and asked "Mom? Did you see that funny thing they had on MAD? It was called Criminal Mindcraft, and it was a parody of Criminal Minds AND Minecraft. SO funny!" And that was that.

A couple of days later, I was driving him and his BFF A.J. to a cross-country practice and I heard the following conversation from the backseat.

FADE IN:

Gretchen drives her Prius. Jude and AJ ride in the backseat, talking in hushed tones. Gretchen casually fiddles with the radio so they won't know she's eavesdropping.

JUDE

So, my mom told me what "sex" was.

AJ

Yeah, my mom told me too! It's weird, right?!

JUDE

SO weird.

AJ

You know what the grossest part is?

JUDE

What?

AJ

My mom DID THAT with my DAD. TWO TIMES!!!

They both shake their heads, shocked and dismayed. Gretchen giggles quietly to herself.

FADE OUT.

Spin Cycle: My Child the Music Critic

Basically, we listen to one of three radio stations in my car -

1. NPR. Which Jude finds painfully boring, so I mostly only listen to it when I'm alone.
2. 100.3 The Sound. "Album Rock. True Variety". Rock and Roll from the '60s to the '90s. Deep cuts. Tons of music in their rotation. LOVE this station. Jude calls this the "old music station".
3. 102.7 KIIS-FM. Top 40. Ryan Seacrest. We started listening to this about a year ago when I realized that Jude couldn't tell you a single Maroon 5 song. I decided I was doing the kid a disservice. Jude call this the "new music station".

FADE IN:

Gretchen and Jude are driving in the car. Gretchen drives. Jude rides in the backseat. The radio is tuned into the "old music station".

JUDE

Can you turn it to the new music station?

GRETCHEN

(reaching forward and punching the button)

Yeah, sure.

They drive on. LMFAO's Sexy and I Know It comes on the radio.

JUDE

Why does this station play the same music over and over?

GRETCHEN

Well, it's a Top 40 kind of station. They just play the top

most popular songs.

JUDE

(pondering)

Huh.

Eminem/Rihanna's Love the Way You Lie comes on.

JUDE

Is this Eminem?

GRETCHEN

Yep.

JUDE

I can tell because they bleep out all the words.

He is very inappropriate.

GRETCHEN

Yes, he loves his profanity.

JUDE

Why are all of his songs like this. Like...he just talks and then

some lady sings the singing part?

GRETCHEN

Well...he's a rapper. So he, you know, raps.

JUDE

(incredulous)

So he doesn't sing at all?!

GRETCHEN

Uh...no I don't think so. Just raps.

JUDE

(doubtful)

Rap is kind of like poetry I guess.

GRETCHEN

Yeah. It's talking poetry in time with the music.

JUDE

Is this rap a new kind of thing?

GRETCHEN

Well, not really. It's been around since the 1980's.

JUDE

(shaking his head in disbelief)

REALLY?!!

They ride on. David Guetta's Sexy Chick comes on.

JUDE

Why is all the music on this station so...futuristic?

GRETCHEN

Well...I guess that most of the music part is done

electronically. Instead of playing instruments,

it's all played on a keyboard. And they...

(vamping because she doesn't really know)

...sample music on the computer. And they use

electronics to make their voices sound different ways.

JUDE

(aghast)

You mean, the singers aren't really playing the instruments?!

GRETCHEN

Well, some of them do. But like in this song, that's not a drummer

playing the drums, it's a drum machine on the computer.

JUDE

That is just LAME! Ringo played the real drums!

The Beatles played ALL of their instruments!!

GRETCHEN

Well, yeah.

JUDE

And the Rolling Stones! And Bob Dylan! They really played

the instruments! And they sang the songs! They didn't talk them!

GRETCHEN

Yeah, they did.

JUDE

(disgusted)

Turn it back to the old music station.

I can't listen to any more of this!

Gretchen turns the radio back to 100.3. The Rolling Stone comes on. They are playing their own instruments and singing the music. All is right with the world.

FADE OUT.

 

___________________________________

Please visit all of our other Music Spinners!

CaJoh at Ca-Joh

Patty at Pancakes Gone Awry

Nain at View From Down Here

SuziCate at The Water Witch's Daughter

VandyJ at The Testosterone Three and Me

Ginny Marie at Lemon Drop Pie - NEW on FRIDAY!

___________________________________

Next week on The Spin Cycle...

Lost and Found

"I once was lost, but now am found."

Is there anything that you've lost that you desperately wish you could find? Is there anything that you've found, and wish you hadn't?

What have you lost? Weight? Your place? Your mind?

What have you found? Love? Money? Nemo?

Write your spin. Post it on your blog. Let me know. I'll do the linking.

See you next week!

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Eats

If, magically, I was granted one day during which I could eat anything my little heart desired without gaining a single ounce, risking a heart attack from clogged arteries, or vomiting from over-eating, I would eat the following...

Beignets and Cafe au Lait from Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans.

Fresh and hot. And when you eat them, you get powdered sugar all over yourself and up your nose.

Fried Catfish from Mama's House on Crenshaw in LA. With a side of Mac and Cheese and those  Greens cooked with ham hocks and some of that Louisiana hot sauce and a big iced tea.

Jan's Balsamic Glazed Brussels Sprouts with Pancetta

The above picture is used entirely without Jan's permission, but I'm hoping that my saying that her recipe is one of my favorite foods on the Planet Earth will make her okay with it.

These Chocolate Chip Cookies...

Prime Rib from Lawry's Prime Rib in Beverly Hills. Lawry Cut, medium rare. With both the Creamed Spinach AND the Creamed Corn, and that weird salad in the spinning bowl. And the Yorkshire Pudding. And a Manhattan.

Pennsylvania Dutch Eggnog.

Pasta Carbonara made with this recipe...

1 lb. pancetta (or bacon)

1 lb. spaghetti

3 eggs, beaten

3 tbsp. butter

3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

1/3 cup chopped fresh parsley

freshly ground pepper

Fry pancetta or bacon until it is very crisp. Drain on paper towels and crumble. Cook spaghetti in a large pot of boiling, salted water until just tender. Drain spaghetti and pour into a very large bowl. I like to use a large stainless steel bowl which I've run under hot water to warm up. Pour eggs over the pasta and toss to coat the strands evenly. Add butter and toss again. Add Parmesan, parsley, pancetta and lots of pepper and mix thoroughly.

Queso Flameado with Chorizo from Guero's Taco Bar in Austin, TX. Wrapped in homemade corn tortillas. Heaven in a bowl. Seriously. When I go there, I don't even order an entree. Just a couple of margaritas and a big bowl of cheese filled with pork.

and while we're in Austin...

Chicken Fried Steak from Threadgill's in Austin TX. Smothered in cream gravy, with mashed potatoes and fried okra and blackeyed peas. And corn bread. And a Shiner Bock beer. Heaven smothered in cream gravy.

and...

Homemade Peach Ice Cream, made with ripe Texas Hill Country peaches. A taste that you have to experience to understand. Heaven frozen.

A rack of Baby Back Ribs. Dry rubbed with Grub Rub...

then grilled, and then baked, smothered with MY barbecue sauce. And PLENTY of napkins.

Key Lime Pie - I don't care where it's from, as long as it's made with real Key limes, and isn't dyed with green food coloring. Either whipped cream or meringue is acceptable.

Port and Stilton Burger from Umami Burger in LA. Blue Cheese and port caramelized onions on a huge, meaty burger. With the sweet potato fries.

Mama's Chocolate Cream Pie -

1/3 cup flour

1 cup sugar

1/4 tsp. salt

2 cups milk, scalded

2 1-oz. squares unsweetened chocolate

3 egg yolks, beaten

2 tbsp. butter

1/2 sp. vanilla

baked pie shell

1 cup heavy whipping cream

3 tbsp. sugar for whipped cream

Mix flour, sugar and salt; put in top of a double boiler and gradually add scalded milk. Add chocolate and cook until thick, stirring constantly. Add small amount of hot mixture to the egg yolks; stir into remaining hot mixture. Cook 2 minutes. Cool. Add butter and vanilla . Pour into baked pie shell. Whip heavy cream with sugar. Spread on top of thoroughly cooled pie.

Hmmmm.

I guess that's it. Just enough sweet. Just enough savory. Lots of pork. I could then die a happy woman. I am really very hungry now.

So...what would you choose?

This post inspired by...

Prompt #1 - If you had one day to eat anything you want and not gain a single ounce what would it be?

Humiliate Your Child 101

Yesterday, Jude had his first big track meet. 18 Catholic schools from the Greater Los Angeles area. Jude did great. No medals, but he really did well for himself, and totally bested his personal bests. For a brand new track team, they definitely made their mark. But this is all beside the point of this post.

Through a peculiar series of events, I somehow volunteered to give a ride to the meet to a 7th grade boy, Luke, who Jude kind of idolizes. Luke is very fast, a quality which Jude values very highly. Luke is from a very lovely and ...hmmm...quiet...family. Mom's a librarian. Dad's a surgeon.

So we picked up Luke and headed out to El Puente, CA, which is an armpit of Los Angeles. I'm sorry if anybody is actually from El Puente, but really...armpit. Far out on the 10 freeway in the middle of the dregs of suburbia.

Jude and Luke were awkwardly chatting in the backseat - Jude was trying to seem cool, Luke was extremely sweet and polite to the little 3rd grader. I was driving, and Jimmy was riding shotgun.

Suddenly, our favorite radio station started a salute to Levon Helm, the late great drummer/sing for The Band, who passed away a couple of days ago.

I, of course, reached down and cranked up the radio to near airplane decibels when they started...

 

Jimmy started passionately playing air drums. I was singing along with Levon. When The Band hit the chorus, we joined in with rousing two part harmony at the top of our lungs.

I glanced in the rear view.

Luke was watching us, stunned, eyes wide, mouth open.

Jude?

Was holding his head in his hands, slowly shaking his head back and forth.

For a second, I considered the situation.

The damage was certainly done. We were clearly established as the weirdest parents around. Maybe, if we stopped singing/air drumming immediately, we could regain some semblance of...

Oh wait, here's the chorus again...

"The niiiiiiiiiiight they drove old Dixie down....And all the people were singing, they went...laaaaaa, la, la, la, la, la...."

We will try to make this up to him at some point in the future. Ideas?

Camp Mama 2011 Week Six: Sisters

This week, our small, testosterone heavy family was turned upside down by the arrival of...

 

GIRLS!!!!!

As a thank you gift to my friends Lynn and Darren for hosting my 50th birthday party in their home, we took their two precious daughters, Julianna, 7, and Isabella, 4 for three days. In the past 7 years, Lynn and Darren have been away from the girls exactly...NEVER. Not ever. And when I suggested the idea to Lynn, she jumped at it so fast it made my head spin!

Lynn booked them two nights in Vegas, baby - Celebrity Spa Suite at the Luxor. Lynn, despite her nice church choir girl exterior, is in fact, a poker-crazy gambling fiend. And I say that with great love. But the woman loves her poker. So with dreams of poker tournaments, all-you-can-eat buffets, spa packages and NO CHILDREN, they dropped the girls off at our house on Monday morning, and hit the road.

Now you have to understand that Julianna and Isabella have always been the closest thing to sisters that Jude has. They've known each other all of their lives. Lynn and I joke that they will always be each others backup prom dates. To Jude, they are the perfect girls, because they basically seem to be totally happy just following Jude around watching him do stuff. Which is basically what we did for the entire time. Julianna actually begged to be allowed to just sit and watch Jude play video games - clearly she's his perfect woman.

 

Julianna is the smarty-pants, sort of the Hermione of the group. She's extremely smart, and likes to tell you all the things she knows. She seems to think Jude can do no wrong. She's always saying things like "Oh my goodness, Jude, you're HILARIOUS!" or "Oh my goodness, Jude, you're SO good at that!" She has many theories about the way things work, many of which are...iffy. But no matter how much Jude would call her on these theories, she never backed down.

FADE IN:

Jude, Julianna and Isabella are squished together into the backseat of the Prius. Isabella's carseat takes up most of the room, much to Jude's annoyance. Gretchen is at the wheel.They are driving by Silver Lake.

JULIANNA

It's a VERY large lake.

JUDE

No it's not.

JULIANNA

Yes it is. It's VERY large.

JUDE

I've seen WAY bigger lakes than this.

JULIANNA

It's large. It's maybe even a pond.

JUDE

(huh?)

A pond is smaller than a lake.

JULIANNA

No it's not. A pond's very large.

JUDE

No it's not.

JULIANNA

Yes it is.

JUDE

No it's not.

JULIANNA

Yes it is.

The bickering continued until Jude screames "MOM!"

FADE OUT.

Isabella, the little one, is possibly, the cutest little child on the planet Earth. She is always busy, always smiling, always sees the sunny side, and has the cutest little teeny cutey-patootey voice. She's practically, a cartoon character. But she is also...an instigator. She has a funny sense of humor, and loves to make trouble. She teases Jude constantly, and totally knows how to get his goat.

FADE IN:

Jude, Julianna and Isabella are squished together in the backseat of the Prius. Jude is once again, crushed by Isabella's carseat. Gretchen drives.

JUDE

(to Isabella)

Dude! Can't you lean the other way? You're squishing me.

ISABELLA

Okay.

(beat, impish smile)

Dude.

JUDE

You're still squishing me. And don't call me dude.

ISABELLA

Sorry.

(beat)

Dude.

JUDE

Mom! Isabella keeps calling me dude!

GRETCHEN

Well, you keep calling her dude.

JUDE

Yeah, but I can call her dude. It's my catchphrase.

GRETCHEN

Your catchphrase?

JUDE

Yeah. My catchphrase. It's what I say. You know, like..."dude".

JULIANNA

Yeah. It's his catchphrase.

ISABELLA

Okay.

(beat) 

Dude.

JUDE

Stop calling me dude!

JULIANNA

Isabella! Stop calling Jude dude! He doesn't like it. It's his catchphrase.

ISABELLA

Okay.

They drive on in peaceful silence for a while.

ISABELLA

Dude.

FADE OUT.

 

FADE IN:

Jude, Julianna and Isabella are squished together in the backseat of the Prius. Isabella is singing.

ISABELLA

(singing)

This old man, he played one, he played knick-knack nanna

panna thumb...

JUDE

(rolling his eyes)

That's not how it goes.

JULIANNA

That's NOT how it goes Isabella.

JUDE

That doesn't even make sense!

JULIANNA

It doesn't even make sense! It goes like this

(singing) This old man, he played one,

he played knick-knack on his thumb.

JUDE

Yeah. That makes a LOT more sense.

ISABELLA

(smiling, undaunted, singing)

With a knick-knack paddy-whack give the dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home.

JUDE

That's just weird. Why would an old man go rolling home?

JULIANNA

It's just weird!

Isabella continues singing, ignoring her critics.

FADE OUT.

Both of these girls are truly, genuinely lovely children. And I'm not just saying that because their parents will read this. They are smart and kind and good listeners and easy-going and well-mannered and sweet, sweet, sweet. So if I was going to suddenly add two extra children to our family, these are the two to add. And despite the fact that they tortured Jude, he really LOVED having them around. And bless their hearts, they endured being dragged around by me to all of our activities - Jude's swim practice, Jude's tennis lesson, my auditions, and on Wednesday, a THREE hour wardrobe fitting for a Walmart commercial I booked (sneaked that in on you, didn't I?). For three hours they sat there playing, as good as gold, while I tried on endless clothes from Walmart. Nobody there could believe how good they were.

But I'm telling you...one child VS three children? HUGE difference. Good Lord. How do you people do it? All of you with three children, HOW? And girls? Egad. They never stop talking. Ever. And they want you to paint their nails and stuff. And they change clothes all the time. They're very particular and careful about their clothes. I'm so used to Jude just putting on the first thing he sees in his drawer. On the first night, Isabella told me she hadn't brought a nightgown to wear to bed. So I got her one of Jude's t-shirts to wear. It looked so outrageously cute on her I couldn't stand it. The second night, she asked if she could wear one of Jude's pajama tops. Again...TOO cute. Then on the last night, she suddenly comes in wearing pajamas. "Where did you get those, Isabella? I thought you had forgotten your pajamas." "I was saving them for the last night." HAH!

And the hair! Oh dear God, the hair! Both of these girls have a LOT of long, super curly hair. Every night after their bath, I had to slather their hair with detangler, brush out all the rats nests, blow it dry, then pull it all back into a tight braid. I don't know how Lynn does this every night.

 
 

On the last night they spent the night, Jimmy came in and crawled into bed.

"You know" he said "I was walking through the house earlier, and they were all running around in their little pajamas, laughing. And I suddenly thought, just for a second...that it would be nice to..." And he stopped.

"To have a house full of kids." I finished.

"Yeah." He leaned back in bed, wistful. "But I only thought it for a second."

 

Yeah. It was really cool to have all these sweet little kids running around. Hard. But cool. If only we had been a little more blessed.

But maybe we'll get more chances to enjoy a full house.

FADE IN:

A sleepy Jude, Julianna and Isabella are squished together in the back of the Prius. They are driving back home after the THREE hour wardrobe fitting. An exhausted Gretchen drives.

JULIANNA

Gretchen?

GRETCHEN

Yes, Julianna.

JULIANNA

Jude's my best friend.

JUDE

(surprised)

I am?

JULIANNA

Yes. I've known you since I was just only a couple of days old!

And now that we've had our very first sleepover with Jude, next

time, my Mom and Dad can go away to HAWAII. For a whole week.

They would like that. And we can stay with you. If they go to Hawaii,

my Mom will need to bring a life jacket. Because she doesn't know

how to swim. And they have volcanos in Hawaii. Lots of volcanos. And

sometimes the volcanos erupt. And if one erupted, my Mom might get

washed into the ocean, so she'd need the life jacket...

JUDE

(interupting Julianna's monologue)

If they come for a week, we're gonna need a bigger car.

FADE OUT.

Camp Mama 2010 Week Six: Just Sit There. This Will Only Take 10 Minutes.

Remember how last week's Camp Mama was an odyssey of outdoor fun in the sun? The stuff that everlasting childhood memories are made of?

This week? Not so much.

Because next week we are all headed to New York to visit the in-laws, so in order for me to prepare our family for this outing, this week is the week of...errands.

In the past week, Jude has been forced to enjoy 3 grocery stores, 2 drug stores, a shoe store, Ross Dress for Less, the beauty supply, the Radio Shack, the Target, a hardware store, a manicure/pedicure for Mama, the dry cleaners, the bank, the pet store, the book store, the hair salon, 4 auditions and 3 Starbucks. Okay, the stops at Starbucks might not have actually counted as errands, but certainly would be considered parental fortification. Here he is enjoying his time running errands with Mama...

The kid dodged a bullet on Thursday when he avoided Mama's dental appointment, facial, eyebrow shaping and bikini wax when his friend A.J. invited him for a playdate.

FADE IN:

Gretchen and Jude stand in the checkout line at the Ross Dress For Less. Ross has two checkout lanes open, and approximately 20 customers waiting in the line. Gretchen is purchasing only one pair of sunglasses.

JUDE

Can't we go to Knott's Berry Farm or something?

GRETCHEN

Uh...no.

JUDE

How about Legoland?

GRETCHEN

No.

JUDE

But we're not doing anything!

GRETCHEN

We are doing something. We're buying sunglasses.

JUDE

But we're not doing anything fun!

GRETCHEN

I think buying sunglasses is fun.

Jude collapses on the floor of the Ross Dress For Less in a tragic heap of frustration and boredom.

   CUT TO:

Five minutes later.

Gretchen and Jude have crept forward about 3 feet in the line at the Ross Dress For Less. One of the two checkers decides to take his break.

JUDE

(at the top of his lungs)

What is wrong with these people?! Why is this taking so long?!!

GRETCHEN

(secretly smiling because her son just said what she wanted to say

 but didn't because she was too well brought up - child is clearly not well brought up)

I don't know honey.

 CUT TO:

Another five minutes have passed.

Gretchen and Jude have moved forward another 3 feet. Jude is fidgeting and hanging all over Gretchen.

JUDE

This is TOO boring.

GRETCHEN

Just think of it as a fun and unexpected time for us to snuggle.

Gretchen gives Jude a big hug. He wraps his arms around her and then puts his head under her blouse.

GRETCHEN

(embarrassed)

Okay, that's kind of...weird honey.

JUDE

(muffled under Gretchen's blouse)

I'm snuggling.

Jude starts to move his head around strangely close to Gretchen's breasts. Gretchen then feels something warm and wet.

GRETCHEN

Okay mister. You don't need to lick me.

(Jude licks more. And giggles)

Okay really. That's enough of that.

(Jude blows a raspberry on Gretchen's stomach.

 Gretchen extricates herself from the child's clutches)

Okay, alright. Let's just stop that.

Jude throws himself on the floor again.

GRETCHEN

If you don't get up now, you are going to get stepped on.

JUDE

No I'm not.

Fellow customer walks by and steps on Jude.

JUDE

Ow!

GRETCHEN

See.

    FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

Gretchen and Jude are driving in the car, on their way home from an audition. They drive past the street they live on.

JUDE

Where are we going now?

GRETCHEN

We're just going to make one more quick stop.

JUDE

Where are we going?

GRETCHEN

We just need to go to the shoe store and look at some ladies shoes.

JUDE

(incredulous)

What!?

GRETCHEN

It will only take 10 minutes. Or so.

JUDE

That's what you always say.

GRETCHEN

It is?

JUDE

I don't want to go look at S. T.-word ladies shoes!

[ Author's Note: Jude has certain words that he considers to be "bad" words, so he refers to them as the "S. T.-word" = stupid, the "F-word" = fart, the "S. H.-word" = shut up.]

GRETCHEN

Well we're going whether you want to or not. Because I said so.

JUDE

What do I get out of it?

GRETCHEN

Excuse me?

JUDE

What do I get out of it? You get shoes. What do I get?

GRETCHEN

You get the joy of having a mother with well-shod and attractive feet.

JUDE

Huh?

GRETCHEN

(sighs)

Okay, you get a...(sotto voce) yogurt.

JUDE

(excited)

A yogurt? A frozen yogurt? At Yogurtland?!

 GRETCHEN

 Yes. Okay. If you are a good boy at the show store, and you let Mama try on all the shoes she wants, you may have a frozen yogurt at Yogurtland.

JUDE

YES!!

   FADE OUT.

 Because, I'm afraid that Yogurtland has become the big bribe of the week. For those of you who live in areas deprived of the joys of Yogurtland, check out the link. And then check out their franchise opportunities, because I'm telling you, there is money from stressed-out, errand-running Mamas to be made here people.

 

 

 

RTT: Hulga, Best Behavior and Dish Soap

I am sitting in our bedroom. In the dark. On the floor. Behind the bed.

I have been entertaining a bunch of Jimmy's acting students for FIVE hours now. They're all very young and enthusiastic and not cynical about showbiz like I am. And they all think Jimmy is just the coolest.  I have fed them and given them liquor, and they WON'T LEAVE. I keep wanting to tell them "I have an important blog post to write, damn it!" But I can't because I'm being a "good wife". What a big drag.

So I am forced to sneak off and type in little spurts while nobody is looking. Right now they are all watching some documentary on Pacino which Jimmy is "turning them on to". Luckily, this little spurts of writing method lends itself to the topic du jour which is...

Random Tuesday Thoughts.

My newest Facebook game obsession is Frontierville. It's sort of like Farmville, except you are a hearty pioneer making your way in the west. You (well, your little virtual avatar you anyway) build a cabin, then plant some crops, get some animals, clear some land, chop some trees and scare away some bears. If you get things set up nicely, your little virtual avatar fiance will make their way across the prairie and you can get hitched! This morning, I discovered that Frontierville allows same sex marriage! I'm not sure if that was a deliberate choice on their part, or a glitch in the programming, but I think it's very open-minded. Here's a shot of me and my life partner, Hulga, in front of our cabin. We're very happy...

 
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Gretchen and Jude drive in the car on their way to drop Jude off at his friend A.J.'s for a sleepover. Gretchen drives. Jude sits in the backseat.

GRETCHEN

So. When you're staying at A.J.'s, how are you going to act?

JUDE

I will always be polite. And always say please and thank you.

GRETCHEN

Very good. What else?

JUDE

I will listen to what A.J.'s mommy says.

GRETCHEN

Yes. Anything else?

JUDE

I will not shake my booty like this...

(leans sideways in his seat and shakes his butt in the air)

Oooo, oooo, oooo, oh yeah!

(sits back down normally)

 ...in anybody's face. I will not do this.

(belches loudly on command)

I will not do this.

(grabs his penis and pretends to pee all over the backseat)

I will not fart so hard I fly all the way to Hawaii and come back doing the hula.

Silence settles over the car for a beat. Gretchen sighs.

GRETCHEN

Okay. So it sounds like you know how to behave. Have fun.

JUDE

I will.

They drive on. Jude giggles. Gretchen shakes her head.

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My new favorite household product...

Dawn Direct Foam. I absolutely LOVE it. I mean it. I can't remember the last time I got excited about dish soap. Okay, I'm pretty sure I've NEVER been excited about dish soap. But this stuff is special. It actually gives me a little thrill every time I wash a pot. One pump of foam, and you can wash a whole buttload of pots and pans. And according to their website, they even sell "money-saving" refills. If anybody knows the Dawn people, tell them that I wrote this, and that I would like them to send me some free stuff. Or better yet, cast me as the Dawn Direct Foam Lady in a series of commercials.

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And speaking of commercials...

The other day, Jude and I were watching daytime television - DON'T JUDGE ME - and after a toilet paper commercial, Jude turned to me and very seriously said "I wish I had that toilet paper." When I laughed, he looked at me as though I was perhaps the stupidest person he knew, and said "What? It has THREE LAYERS!" Put me in my place.

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I will leave you with Jude and his best friend Will's favorite stupid YouTube video. I must admit it cracks me up. Click around at YouTube and you'll find a WHOLE series of these. Somebody clearly has too much time on their hands...

 

Okay, I'm going to go see if I can get these people out of my living room. Maybe if I change into my pajamas, sit down in the middle of everybody and start yawning. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Why don't y'all head over to Keely's and catch more random action.

Close Call

Gretchen and Jude drive in the car. Gretchen drives, Jude is in the back seat.

JUDE

Mama? Which is slower, molasses or a snail?

GRETCHEN

(distracted, fiddling with the radio)

What Bugs?

JUDE

Which is slower, molasses or a snail?

GRETCHEN

(still can't find that station)

Uh...I don't know honey.

JUDE

AHA!

GRETCHEN

(looking up)

What?

JUDE

You DON'T really know everything.

GRETCHEN

Wait, wait, what was the question?

JUDE

You said you know everything, but you really don't know everything.

GRETCHEN

(very much paying attention now)

No, wait. I DO know everything. I just wasn't paying attention.

JUDE

You said you didn't know which was faster.

GRETCHEN

I was fiddling with the radio! Ask me again, ask me again!

JUDE

(sighs)

Which is slower, molasses or a snail?

GRETCHEN

(scoffing)

A snail. Clearly. MUCH slower.

JUDE

Are you sure?

GRETCHEN

Yes. Absolutely. Hands down. A snail is slower than molasses.

JUDE

Is a snail, like maybe, one mile an hour?

GRETCHEN

Try, like, one mile a MONTH.

JUDE

So how slow is molasses?

GRETCHEN

Much faster. I'd estimate one mile a week.

JUDE

Wow.

GRETCHEN

Yes.

JUDE

So...you DO know everything.

GRETCHEN

Yes. I do.

JUDE

(nodding)

Okay. That's cool.

Gretchen smiles, self-satisfied. Jude smiles because all is right with the world. They drive on.

 

That's My Boy

Gretchen and Jude are in the car driving to In-N-Out Burger for their weekly Saturday lunch out. Gretchen drives, Jude rides in the backseat.

JUDE

Mama? You're smarter than Dad, aren't you?

GRETCHEN

(well...yes, but...)

No, Honey. Mama and Daddy are equally smart.

JUDE

But, you know more things than Dad does.

GRETCHEN

(well...YES, but...)

Well, we we each have things that we know more about.

JUDE

What does Dad know more about?

GRETCHEN

(hubidahubidahubda...)

Lots of things....um...movies and...old rock and roll lyrics and...um...Marlon Brando.

JUDE

And The Beatles!

GRETCHEN

(whew)

Yes, that's right. The Beatles.

JUDE

And you know everything else.

GRETCHEN

(sigh...)

Yes, baby, that's right.

JUDE

That's what I thought.

They ride on in silence.

 

And...Butt

New favorite little boy backseat conversation I've ever overheard (previous favorite here ) -

Jude and his friend Nyier sit in the backseat. Gretchen drives and eavesdrops.

Nyier

Smell my burp!

Nyier leans in and burps in Jude's face.

Nyier

What's it smell like?

Jude

(considering the question carefully)

Kinda like...syrup. And anteaters. And...butt.

They laugh and laugh.

Jude

Smell my burp!

Jude leans in and burps in Nyier's face.

Jude

What's it smell like?

Nyier

Hmmm. Like fries. And old milk. And...butt.

They laugh and laugh.

Nyier

Smell my burp!

The conversation continues in this vein for 20 minutes. Gretchen drives, shaking her head.

Snips and snails and puppy dogs tails...and butt.