Second Blooming

Best Laid Plans

Anybody who's been hanging out around here for any length of time knows that I love me a good list. I'm the Queen of Bullet Points. I enjoy using bullet points for the following reasons...

• They help organize my addled brain.
• They help organize my addled brain.
• They help organize my addled brain.

When I'm planning for a holiday event, oh, say...Thanksgiving, I make copious lists using copious amounts of bullet points, and sometimes...an ordered list. I enjoy using an ordered list for the following reasons...

1. It helps me remember the order...
2. in which I should organize...
3. my addled brain. 

So since next week is Thanksgiving, and Jimmy's Aunt Grace is coming to stay with us for 9 (9! 9! Did I mention 9?!) days starting on Monday, I have filled an entire legal pad with lists made with my favorite good pen. Lists such as...

Things to do before Grace arrives

• Clean porch.
• Steam clean carpets.
• Hang curtains in Jude's bathroom.
• Haul all the Halloween crap back up into the attic.
• Haul all the Thanksgiving crap down out of the attic.
• Hang all the pictures back up in the kitchen. [Did I mention that I repainted the kitchen during my blogging hiatus? No? Ah, another post.]

And...

Thursday Timeline

1. Make giblet broth.
2. Make chocolate pie.
3. Make sweet potatoes.
4. Roast turkey.
5. Whip cream for pie.
6. Make gravy.
7. Heat  stuffing.
8. Heat mashed potatoes.
9. Put together salad.
10. Carve turkey.
11. Put together Brussels sprouts.
12. Rolls! [Rolls gets an exclamation point because I always forget to put them in the oven!]

Many, many things to do. Very, very organized. But then...

Sinus infection. Sigh.

• Misery
• Z-Pacs
• Prednisone
• nasal spray
• DayQuil
• NyQuil
• Vitamin C
• steam, steam, steam
• Bed rest.

So every day I've been lying in bed staring at my lists, unable to check one single thing off them. Bummer, man. 

An interesting side effect of all this wasted time is that I have...

• Spent a little too much time shopping on the internet. We now own... 1. a new 6 foot folding table which I'm setting up in the corner of the dining room to use as a buffet (smart!). 2. a new non-lumpy mattress pad for Grace to sleep on. 3. a new dishwasher that actually washes dishes! Hurray pre-Black Friday sales!
• Fussed and obsessed over the Thanksgiving menu far too much. I mean, I have changed this damned menu so many times it's ridiculous. 

Here is the menu as of today...

• Turkey. Dry brined with this recipe HERE. Which I used last year to excellent results.
• Gravy. Oh man, Mama's Good Gravy.
• Cornbread Stuffing. With sage sausage and cranberries and pecans.
• Brown Butter Mashed Potatoes.
• Sweet Potatoes with Bourbon and Maple. Because...bourbon.
• Shaved Brussels Sprouts with Pecans and Parmesan.
• Fresh Goat Cheese and Radicchio Salad with Figs. 
• Mama's Chocolate Cream Pie.
• Apple Pie.

When you look at this list, you will see the areas over which I may have had too much time to think. Like...pretty much all the side dishes are little outside the box. A little...chefy. No green bean casserole. But I don't care, they're getting their turkey and stuffing. They can give the Brussels sprouts and radicchio a try. This is a deviation for me, I am usually of the firm belief that nobody wants anything healthy or green for Thanksgiving. Just carbs and fat. But we'll see. It's something new.

You will also notice that I don't have any kind of appetizer on the menu. I have, over the past week, had about 45 different appetizers on this list, but I keep changing my mind. Nothing sounds good. Here are my issues with the Thanksgiving appetizer...

• I want something for people to nibble on, but don't want it to be too heavy so they fill up.
• Jimmy always wants something seafood because he's a seafood freak, but nobody but Jimmy and Lynn want to eat it. It's a constant argument.
• It needs to be something that I can make completely ahead of time - the last thing I need is more last minute work. I need a dip or something I can make the day before and just stick out, no complicated canapes that need to be put together right at the same time I need to be making that good gravy.

Does anybody have any ideas? Seriously, I need help here. A favorite Thanksgiving appetizer that is a real crowd pleaser?

So here I am, staring at my lists and hacking up phlegm when I should be hauling crap in and out of the attic. 

Rosa's here today (see previous post for explanation of this new member of the Second Blooming family), thank the good Lord. She took one look at me, wheezing and moaning and said in her kindest voice (and again, please forgive me if the voice of Rosa is a bit like Consuela on Family Guy)...

ROSA

Oh, you seeeek?

GRETCHEN

(sadly sick)

Yes.

ROSA

You cook turkeys?

GRETCHEN

Yes, everybody's coming here.

ROSA

How much peoples?

GRETCHEN

Thirteen, counting the kids.

ROSA

Is too much peoples! You cook too many food! Is too 

much work!

Don't you just love Rosa? She understands everything.

So how are your Thanksgiving plans coming along? Leave me a comment if you...

• Have an excellent Thanksgiving appetizer idea/recipe to share.
• Feel sorry for me and want to tell me how sorry you are for me.
• Want to come over and steam clean my carpets.
• Want to share your own sad story and don't have a Rosa to sympathize with you.

And check out other Thanksgiving doings over at the Spin Cycle at Lemon Drop Pie!

 

 

 

 

 

Camp Mama 2014 Week Six: Chicle

Several years ago, my best friend Sharon's dad, Henry, retired, and immediately started driving his wife, Sylvia, crazy. Sylvia, who is Mexican-American, came up with a nickname for him - Chicle - because he was like a piece of bubble gum stuck to her shoe - she couldn't get rid of him.

Yep, Chicle. That's Jimmy since he's been stuck home convalescing after his long hospital stay. He's home all day. Every day. This is what Jimmy does to fill his days of late...

• Complains.
• Watches daytime television.
• Tells me what to do.

Um...yep, that's about it.

FADE IN:

Jimmy sits on the sofa with his laptop on his lap. He stares at the screen, confused, then lets out a moan.

JIMMY

Aaaaagh! You gotta come here and look at this! I was trying

to send Joey one of those Facebook secret message things, and

now I think I've got it where everybody can see it.

Gretchen begrudgingly looks over his shoulder, then sighs.

GRETCHEN

Yes, you have posted the message on Joey's wall for all

to see, not in a private message that only Joey can see.

JIMMY

You GOTTA show me how to do that private message thing!

GRETCHEN

Jimmy, I have shown you how to do that private

message thing four hundred and eighty-seven thousand

times.

JUDE

(eavesdropping from other room)

That's an exaggeration, Mom!

JIMMY

(frustrated)

Well show me again, okay? Is that too much to ask?

Gretchen shows Jimmy how to send a private Facebook message. ONE minute goes by.

JIMMY

Aaaagh! Did I do it again? I think I did it again! You gotta

show me how to do that again!

GRETCHEN

Four hundred and eighty-seven thousand and two times.

JUDE

(from other room)

That's another exaggeration, Mom!

Gretchen sighs and walks away. Jimmy continues to stare, confused at the computer. Jude continues to be a tween.

                                                                                                                                             FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

Gretchen is in the kitchen doing dishes. Jimmy enters, all hyped up.

JIMMY

I was just watching that Dr. Oz show. We gotta get Jude to

eat more vegetables!

GRETCHEN

Really???! I never thought of that! What a startling scientific

discovery that Dr. Oz has made! I can't believe that I never

before knew that Jude should eat more vegetables! I'll get

right on that!

JUDE

(from calling out from other room)

That's sarcasm, Mom, isn't it?

Gretchen continues to do dishes. Jimmy continues to talk about the need for vegetables. Jude continues to be a tween.

                                                                                                                   FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

Gretchen walks into the living room and finds it in complete chaos. Jimmy is in the office pulling everything out of the closet. He has already emptied every drawer and pulled all the furniture out of the office into the living room. She stares, stunned. Jude is "helping" move boxes around, clearly not enjoying himself.

JIMMY

I've decided to clean out the office and rearrange all

the furniture. Jude's helping.

Jude gives Gretchen a sad, pleading look. Gretchen stares a beat longer, then heads to the kitchen to locate a hot poker with which to gouge her eyes out.

Jimmy continues to take the office apart but not put it back together. Gretchen continues to bang her head against a wall. Jude continues to be a tween.

                                                                                                                   FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

Gretchen finds Jude in his room. She speaks to him in a hushed but desperate tone.

GRETCHEN

You've got to help me. You've got to get Daddy out of this

house. He's making me crazy.

JUDE

But I'm right in the middle...

GRETCHEN

Get him to take you somewhere. I don't care where. Ask

him to take you to Larchmont to walk around.

JUDE

But I don't want to...

GRETCHEN

Tell him that a nice easy walk on Larchmont would be

 good for him to get his strength back. Maybe he will buy

you a Frappuccino or something.

JUDE

I don't know...I'm kind of...

GRETCHEN

I'll give you money.

JUDE

How much?

A compromise is reached. Gretchen continues to be driven crazy. Jimmy continues to be chicle. Jude continues to be a tween.

                                                                                                                        FADE OUT.

Alone Time

Oh dear God, I'm alone.

It's something of a minor miracle when staying here with the in-laws. I realize that it's only been a week, and I'm already getting that antsy, claustrophobic thing I get when I've been with people constantly for a long period of time. I know that it's the only child in me - sometimes I just have to be...alone.

Right now, Jude, Pop and Mommy are watching another movie from Pop's classic movie collection - Airport - 1970, Burt Lancaster. I'm hoping this doesn't cause some terrible fear-of-flying reaction in the kid, but I'm just so happy to be able to sneak away to our bedroom upstairs by myself, that I truly don't care.

Aunt Grace, who is also something of a loner, has also begged off the movie watching, and is holed up watching her CNBC. She will no doubt head back to her apartment in NYC in a couple of days. I'm surprised she's lasted this long, as she and Mommy are fighting like cats and dogs. Those two sisters love each other dearly, and are SO devoted, but they really are like oil and water. They bicker and argue over the silliest things. Just crazy things that mean nothing to anybody, and don't even make sense. Something like this...

MOMMY

Oh, there she goes! She did it again.

AUNT GRACE

What thing? I didn't do anything!

MOMMY

See? She doesn't even know she does it!

AUNT GRACE

What have I done? I haven't done anything. You're inventing this in your head.

MOMMY

You don't even know you do it! And then you never admit it!

AUNT GRACE

Oh Mary, really! This is just like you! You do this ALL the time!

And so on and so forth. When they start in like this, Pop just runs upstairs and hides in his room until it blows over.

Anyway, I'm happy for a little time to myself, because our schedule for the next couple of weeks has filled up and right now it doesn't look like we have a single free day. Though I'm going to insist on at least one day on my own in the city, which will be an amazing treat!

Not that we're not having a great time. We are. Yesterday, we...

Damn...Mommy calling me. She does that, she stands at the bottom of the stairs and kind of shrieks my name at the top of her lungs. It sort of sends chills up my spine. Hold on...

...Okay, I'm back. She needed me to go in the basement and locate the box of ice cream sandwiches from the freezer. Which I did. So...crisis averted. Anyway...

Yesterday, Jude and I went with my s-i-l Niki and her daughter-in-law Melissa and her little boy Matthew, who is Jude's only cousin in the world to a beach out in The Hamptons. It was sort of Beach Friday East Coast Style. Except it was Saturday.

Jude had a BIG time using all his new found beach knowledge and body surfing skills on the Atlantic.

 

The surf was CRAZY.

 

It was a crazy day in the water. Jude went in for about 30 minutes, and when he finally came out, he informed me, in that Little Professor way he sometimes has "I'm afraid they have a pretty serious rip current situation happening here." No sooner had these words tumbled out of his mouth, than a whistle blew, and a team of lifeguards went into action, pulling someone out of the rip current. They proceeded to have FIVE rescues in the one afternoon. It was crazy.

Interesting differences between East Coast/West Coach beaches -

1. West Coast beaches tend to be pretty empty and relaxed, while the East Coast beaches are PACKED. Just a massive sea of scantily dressed humanity as far as the eye can see. Which is a pain, but can also be kind of fun because it's like one big partay.
2. East Coast water is warmer, but the waves are bigger. Exactly the opposite of what you'd expect.
3. East Coast beaches sell...so exciting...liquor. Yes, I got to purchase a tasty rum punch and take it on the beach with me. Well, I'm not exactly sure I was SUPPOSED to take it on the beach with me, but nobody messes with a tall, bathing suited middle-aged woman. Who is hiding the beverage under a towel.

And I LOVED that Jude and...

Damn. Mommy's screeching again. Sigh...maybe if I pretend...no, I'd better go. Hold on...

...Okay, I'm back. This time she wanted to know if I'd called Jimmy back, which I had, but when she got me, she wanted to know if I wanted her to fold my clean clothes which were in the dryer, which was really a kind of passive aggressive way of suggesting that I come and get the clothes out of the dryer and fold them. Which I did. So anyway...

I LOVED that Jude and his little cousin Matthew got to spend the day together! Matthew is 3, and finally to an age when they can kind of hang out and play together. They were super sweet...

 

Cousins.

Cute, CUTE Matthew.

 

They are each others only cousins, and I'm so glad they have each other.

Tomorrow night I think we're going to go on a fishing boat with our friends Ray and Jenny. Should be very cool, and...

Damn. Mommy calling again. I should just give up and go down before she decides she needs to hobble all the way up the stairs to get me - her knees are SO bad. Her voice, however is VERY strong. Jimmy still cringes every time I imitate Mommy calling his name up the stairs when he was a kid - "Jiiiiiiiiiimmyyyyyy!" Oh, there she goes again. Okay, I'm off.

So much for alone time.

24 Hours With the In-Laws

Those of you who are regulars here at Second Blooming may remember my mentioning (and mentioning, and mentioning) that every time I visit my beloved nutty in-laws in New York, some sort of crisis ensues. I hereby offer the following account of the 24 hours I spent with Mommy and Pop, et al following my Carnegie Hall experience as a testament to the validity of this claim...

Late Sunday morning, Aunt Grace and I took the train from Manhattan out to Long Island. After Pop picked us up at the station, we arrived home and Mommy greeted me with a "million kisses", much squealing, bagels, eggs and coffee.

After we all took a rest (the older folks took naps and I, after locating the long cord and plugging it into what Mommy calls "the module" but is actually a modem, fiddled on my computer), more family members gathered so that we could all go out for dinner in honor of my visit, to our favorite Chinese restaurant, Hoy Ming. It was then that things turned squirrelly.

Soon after arriving, one family member, who shall remain nameless to protect the beloved but nutty, seems to have taken a new type of medication, which they followed with a large blackberry brandy. This combination made them lose all inhibitions and the ability to edit their thoughts, and they proceeded to start a huge, and somewhat nonsensical hullabaloo. Much hysteria and some crying followed. This continued all the way to the restaurant, where said nameless beloved but nutty relative had yet another cocktail, and finally made a dramatic exit right after the crab rolls and spare ribs. Interestingly, this nutty relative is usually the LEAST nutty of all the relatives, so this was all very unusual.

During dinner, we were joined by Pop's best friend John, and his wife Eileen. They are good old friends, and it was nice to see them. John, who is now retired, was a limo driver for 20 years, and during dinner, he volunteered to drive me, with Pop as his copilot, to the airport the next day. We had a fairly lengthy discussion about details - my flight was leaving JFK at 3:45, which meant I needed to be there by 2:45, and Pop, who is a worrywart, insisted that we get to John's house by 1:30 in order to get there in time. Memorial Day traffic was discussed. John also drank a couple of Rusty Nails at this time (that's a Scotch and Drambuie cocktail). This comes into play later.

Several courses of Chinese food followed, accompanied by quite a few Whiskey Sours. These were probably a bad idea, because toward the end of dinner, Aunt Grace, who constantly listens to right-wing talk radio, and I got into a brief but extremely heated political argument. Words like "offensive" and "stupid" were batted around, after which we both laughed and had another drink.

All the way home and for some time after we reached the house, the hullabaloo with the usually not nutty beloved but nutty family member was discussed. Much worry, must analyzing, much, much talk.

When we finally all decided to go to upstairs, Mommy and I did have a very funny conversation about the horrors of having a spouse who snores, and she told the funniest story. She said that one time, Pop was snoring so badly that...

MOMMY

I went CRAZY! I couldn't stand it! So I got outta bed and went

down to the basement and got a clothespin. Then I stuck it on his

nose! But that STILL didn't stop his terrible snoring! So I got a pillow.

And I stuck it on his head. I was crazy, I tell you! So I stuck it on his

head. And after a while, it worked. He stopped snoring! But then I thought

'OH no!! I killed him!' and I came to my senses and took the pillow off.

Luckily he wasn't dead.

Mommy and I started laughing so hard we were both crying, and I had to help her up the stairs.

At 1:35 am, the phone rang. Which naturally woke everybody up, and resulted in considerable hysteria. I mean, when the phone rings in the middle of the night, it's assumed that someone is dead. Or maybe everyone is dead. The worst possible scenario is always jumped to.

But instead, it was John, calling to find out why Pop hadn't picked him up at 1:30 am. Yes, for some reason (hmmm...Rusty Nails?) John was under the insane misconception that my flight was leaving at 3:45 in the morning! Why he never questioned or attempted to clarify this peculiar assumption, no one knows. After assuring John that no one was crazy enough to book a 3:45 AM flight, we all went back to bed.

The next morning dawned peacefully enough, and Mommy rather indulgently made me French toast for breakfast (Mommy's French toast is outrageous - she uses this wonderful Italian bread with sesame seeds...mmmm). But about noon, Mommy got a phone call, and found out that Ursula, one of her best friends (not one of the Cathys) had just lost her granddaughter! The poor girl was only 24, but had had a heart defect all of her life. Mommy was extremely upset - much crying and wailing. Followed by much discussion about whether Mommy should rush over to Ursula's house right away, or wait until I had left for the airport. While I assured her it was okay to go over right away, she insisted on waiting until I was seen off.

After much kissing and hugging and crying, Pop and I left to drive over to John's house (during PM hours) so that he could drive me to JFK. Then, once we reached the airport, after even more hugs and kisses, Pop stuffed a handful of $20s into my hand and I was off.

Just another typical day with the in-laws.

When I called Mommy the next day, she apologized for my visit being so crazy. Little did she know that it made for a much more interesting blog post.

I love my nutty family!

I ♥ LA Moment #614

A couple of days ago, I had to reup out parking permits. Yes, in many neighborhoods of LA you have to pay for a permit just to park on your own street. You can buy them through the mail, but of course I had let ours expire, so I had to go down to the place. Anyway, I was sitting there at the permit office for ages, waiting for my number to be called, and I kind of started eavesdropping on the two young men seated next to me.

These two guys were what the cops on the news would refer to as "youths" - I took one look at them, and immediately labeled them as gangbangers. They had the haircuts, the clothes, the lingo, the tattoos. One of the guys had his entire neck tattooed. They seemed to know each other, but hadn't gone down there together, they'd just run into each other and were catching up.

At first, all I really caught from their conversation were a bunch of "Yo"s and "bitch"s. And then I heard...

YOUTH 1

You still in school, man?

YOUTH 2

Yeah, I'm out at Cal State Northridge.

YOUTH 1

Why aren't you at UCLA?

Hmmm...this was intriguing. I paid better attention.

YOUTH 2

Ah, UCLA is so expensive, you know. So I'm getting my undergrad

from Northridge and saving up my money to go to UCLA for grad school.

I figure it's smarter to spend the cash on my masters.

"What the what?" I thought, inside my head.

YOUTH 1

Yeah, that's smart. How's your lady? Where's she studying?

YOUTH 2

She's at the Stella Adler Studio.

NOTE: Stella Adler is a respected acting school in Hollywood.

Turns out, these dudes were ACTORS. What's more, they seemed to be pretty serious, and were working regularly!

When I think about it, there must be a huge market for actors to play the gang guys in movies and tv shows! I mean, they're not hiring real drug dealers to play the parts on Breaking Bad or NCIS: Los Angeles.

So I am thoroughly humbled. I always consider myself an open-minded and non-judgmental person, but I clearly needed to learn a "don't judge a book by it's cover" lesson.

But really...only in Los Angeles.

Spin Cycle: The Family Meeting

FADE IN:

Jimmy and Jude sit on the sofa in the living room watching Wheel of Fortune. Gretchen enters, carrying a sheet of paper.

GRETCHEN

Hey guys, can you pause the tv for a minute?

JIMMY

It's the final spin.

GRETCHEN

Yes, but just pause it for a minute.

Jimmy and Jude pause the tv. Both look put out.

GRETCHEN

Thanks. So...I have decided that we should have a little

family meeting.

JUDE

What's a family meeting?

GRETCHEN

Well, what do you think it might be, Jude?

JUDE

A...meeting of a family?

GRETCHEN

Yes, that is correct.

JUDE

Yeah, but we've never had a family meeting before.

GRETCHEN

It's something new.

JIMMY

(impatiently holding the tv remote in his hand)

Okay, so what is it?

GRETCHEN

Well, as you two may or may not have noticed, I have been

working very hard lately to try to get our home in order for

all of us.

JIMMY

Yeah, we noticed. And we appreciate all your work.

JUDE

We appreciate you, Mom.

GRETCHEN

Well, I certainly appreciate being appreciated. But what I

really need is a little help from the two of you to try to keep

things nice. And to that end, I have made a list of things that

you both do that drive me crazy.

She waves the list with a flourish. Jimmy and Jude look concerned.

GRETCHEN

Alrighty then. Annoying Thing #1 - The wrappers. I am

constantly throwing away old wrappers. You both are always

nibbling on some snack and then you just drop the wrapper

wherever you are, all willy-nilly.

JIMMY

Willy-nilly?

GRETCHEN

Yes, willy-nilly. Gogurt wrappers, cheese stick wrappers, chocolate

bar wrappers, potato chip bags, those little ice cream cartons.

It's making me crazy!

JUDE

Sorry Mom.

JIMMY

(gesturing with the remote)

Okay, we do that. What's the next thing.

GRETCHEN

Annoying Thing #2 - Wet towels on things. There are exactly

two places in our home where a wet towel should be placed. Either

on the towel bar, or over the top of the shower. This is so that they

can dry. They do not belong on the floor. They do not belong on

the bed. They do not belong tossed on a chair. They do not even

belong in the hamper, as they will mildew the other items in the

hamper. Okay? Wet Towels...towel bar.

JIMMY

Uh-huh.

JUDE

Got it.

GRETCHEN

Beautiful.

(she refers to her list)

Annoying Thing #3 - The situation with the bags and

the shoes. You both walk in the door, and drop whatever

you have in your hands on the floor, then kick off your

shoes wherever you are and just leave them there.

JIMMY

Willy-nilly?

GRETCHEN

Yes. Willy-nilly. I'm sick and tired of putting away backpacks

and gym bags and briefcases and shoes.

JIMMY

But you dump your stuff too.

GRETCHEN

Sometimes. But then, I put it away. As opposed to you, who

dumps his stuff, and then...I put it away.

JUDE

I'll try harder with that.

GRETCHEN

Thank you Jude. Annoying Thing #4 - Nobody ever finishes

a beverage. I couldn't even begin to estimate how many half-full

glasses I find and empty. Water, coffee, sodas, wine. It's all waste,

waste, waste.

(really getting worked up now)

If you pour it, you need to drink it.

JIMMY

(shrugging)

Yeah, I am bad with that.

GRETCHEN

Yes you are. Annoying Thing #5 - Even though I am capable

of much, I am not a super human, and cannot see or hear through

walls. So if you decide to talk to me, or show me something from

another room, I can not see or hear it! You must get off your

behinds and walk into the room where I am before asking me the

question, or showing me the funny thing.

JUDE

That one's not really about keeping the house tidy.

GRETCHEN

Well, no. But it's very annoying.

(she folds her piece of paper)

I guess that's about it. Our first family meeting is now over.

JIMMY

Don't we get to tell you all the things about you that annoy us?

GRETCHEN

No.

JIMMY

Why not?

GRETCHEN

Because I'm the mother. And I was the one who called the

family meeting in the first place. If you have a grievance to

air, you may call your own family meeting. Thank you both.

I will now go back to making dinner.

Gretchen returns to the kitchen. Jimmy and Jude exchange an eye-roll. Pat Sajak spins the wheel.

                                                                                                                                                        FADE OUT.

Follow up: Wrappers still everywhere, towels still on the floor, bags and shoes still willy-nilly, glasses still half-full of leftover drinks, everybody still talks to me from the other room.

___________________________________

I will be very peeved if you don't check out the other "Pet Peeves" spinners!

Janice at I Got Nothing 

Nain at View From Down Here

Ginny Marie at Lemon Drop Pie

Vandy J at The Testosterone Three and Me

Stacy at Stacy Uncorked - NEW on FRIDAY

Kendra at Life in the slow lane - NEW on FRIDAY

___________________________________

Next week on The Spin Cycle...

Love

It's Valentine's Day, y'all! So I thought we'd get all lovey dovey around here.

The power of love. Endless love. What's love got to do with it? Love is a many splendored thing.  The best of my love. Whole lotta love. Love me tender. Crazy little thing called love. Love child. All you need is love. Baby love. Baby I love your way. Can't get enough of your love, babe. Dedicated to the one I love. Love will keep us together. Addicted to love. You always hurt the one you love. I will always love you. Love bites.

Write your "love" spin. Post it. Let me know. I'll link it here.

Share your spin!
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Scaramouche, Scaramouche, Will You Do the Fandango?

FADE IN:

Gretchen and Jude have just parked the car, and are walking down the sidewalk, headed for Jude's orthodontist appointment.

JUDE

(singing)

Galileo.

They walk a few steps more.

GRETCHEN

(singing)

Galileo.

They continue walking and singing.

JUDE

Galileo.

GRETCHEN

Galileo.

GRETCHEN AND JUDE

Galileo, Figaro, oh, oh, oh, oh.

JUDE

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.

GRETCHEN

He's just a poor boy from a poor family.

GRETCHEN AND JUDE

(vamping because they don't know the lyrics)

Swearing his wife on the monstrosity!

JUDE

Easy come, easy go, let me let me go

GRETCHEN

Bismillah NO! I will not let you go.

JUDE

(in a loud and clear soprano)

Let me go!

GRETCHEN

Bismillah no! I will not let you go.

JUDE

Let me go!

GRETCHEN

Will not let you go!

JUDE

Let me go!

GRETCHEN

Will not let you go!

GRETCHEN AND JUDE

No, no, no, no, no!

JUDE

Mama mia, mama mia!

GRETCHEN AND JUDE

Mama mia let me go. Beelzebub has a devil on the side for me,

for meeeee, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

They both start bouncing up and down playing the air guitar part, a la Wayne's World. Soon, they reach the door of the orthodontists building, where they stop singing. Jude opens the door for his mother.

JUDE

We are very silly people.

GRETCHEN

Yes. That is true.

They continue into the building to the orthodontist appointment.

FADE OUT.

 

The Beach

Gretchen, Jude, Mommy and Aunt Grace have visited the little "beach" near Mommy's home. Gretchen and Jude rather snottily refer to it as the "beach" because it's on the bay, and has no waves, and is therefore...lame. Mommy, however, prefers it, not only because it is very close, but because it has no waves, and Jude is therefore less likely to be swept away by the tide.

Mommy and Aunt Grace sit in their beach chairs. Gretchen arranges herself on a towel. Jude jumps in the water to swim.

The following are the internal dialogues of each person...

JUDE:

Why aren't there waves? I like waves. I bet Michael Phelps likes waves. I'm gonna swim out as far as they'll let me. Michael Phelps would swim out as far as they'd let him. I wish there were bigger waves. I'm gonna jump the little waves. Little waves are lame. Michael Phelps would think little waves were lame. I wonder how deep this is. I think it's about 4 feet deep. That would be about 1 and a half meters. I'm going to swim underwater as far as I can. I bet Michael Phelps can swim farther than that. These little waves are lame. Why does Grandma keep waving at me? This is lame. Michael Phelps would think this was lame. I wish Mom would come in and swim with me.

AUNT GRACE:

Jude is there. There he is. Is he there? Yes. He's there. Thank God. At least Gretchen is watching him carefully. She's a good mother. He's under the water. No, I see him. Thank God. There he is. He's quite a swimmer. Why is he out so far? There he is. I see him. I don't see him. I see him. He's there. He shouldn't go out so far. There he is. He's there. Thank God. Gretchen's watching him. I wish Gretchen would go out and swim with him.

MOMMY:

WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE? I CAN'T SEE HIM! I CAN SEE HIM! THANK GOD! WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE? IS GRETCHEN WATCHING HIM? IS SHE WATCHING HIM? WHY IS HE OUT SO FAR?! WHY IS HE OUT SO FAR?! HE'S GONNA DROWN! HE'S GONNA DIE! WHERE IS HE?! HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE, THE LORD IS WITH THEE...WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE? WHY IS HE OUT SO FAR? HE'S GONNA DIE! HE'S GONNA DROWN! WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY GOD? HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE...THERE HE IS! HE'S ALIVE. OH GOD! I CAN'T SEE HIM! I CAN'T SEE HIM! OH DEAR GOD! OH DEAR GOD! WHY DOESN'T GRETCHEN SWIM WITH HIM??????!!!!

GRETCHEN:

Do I look too fat in this bikini? I do. I shouldn't be wearing this bikini. Maybe if I lie very flat...yes, that's better. If I lie flat and very still I look almost not bad. God, my stomach is white. It's practically reflective. Where's Jude? Hmmm. He's gotta be there somewhere. Oh, that must be him. Maybe, if I prop my head up this way, I can close my eyes behind my sunglasses and Mommy and Grace will think I'm watching Jude. I wish I could read, but then they would know I'm not really watching my child. I look better than that woman in her bikini. I look worse than that other woman in her bikini. Whoa, that woman should not be wearing a bathing suit at all. We do not need to see that. Damn, I need to roll over to sun my other side before I fry. Now how the hell am I going to flip over without bending in the middle, and revealing my roll of bellyfat? Maybe if I...no, that doesn't work. I could...nope. I'm going to have to...oh  what the hell, I'll just go in the water with Jude. That way I'm standing up, and my bikini looks better standing up. And if I go in far enough, no one can see my belly at all! Damn, now I'm going to have to pay attention to Jude.

JUDE:

Hurray! Here comes Mom! I'll make her play with me!

AUNT GRACE:

Oh thank God, Gretchen's swimming with him.

MOMMY:

THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU GOD! SHE'S GOING IN! SHE'S GOING IN! WAIT...WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE THEY? I CAN'T SEE THEM! THEY'RE GONNA DIE! THEY'RE GONNA DROWN! WHY?? WHY?? WAIT...THERE THEY ARE! THANK GOD! HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE, THE LORD IS WITH THEE...

Spin Cycle: Family Picture

 FADE IN:

The family home, Long Island, NY. Gretchen attempts to gather everybody together, while Niki sets up her camera.

GRETCHEN

Hey guys! Come on in the living room, Niki and I

want to take a family picture!

MOMMY

What?

GRETCHEN

A family picture. Come on in the living room.

AUNT GRACE

(doing dishes)

A what?

MOMMY

(loud because Grace can't hear)

A picture! They want to take a family picture!

Gretchen sits on the sofa. Nobody else sits down. Pop is making Jimmy try on a leather jacket.

GRETCHEN

Hey guys! Come on! Jude come in here!

JIMMY

Pop, it's a beautiful jacket, but I don't want to take

your jacket, you use it, don't you?

POP

No, I want you to have it. You take it. Did you feel it?

Gretch, did you feel that leather? That's some leather.

NIKI

Tony? Where's Tony?

MOMMY

He's in the bathroom.

(shrieks in high-pitched voice that might shatter glass)

TOOOOOOOOONNNYYYY!! We're taking a picture!

GRETCHEN

JUDE! Turn off the Olympics and get in here. We're taking

a picture!

JIMMY

No, Pop, I can't take your jacket, it's yours, you keep it.

POP

(offended)

What, you don't like it?

NIKI

Tony! We're taking a picture!

MOMMY

GRACE! Stop doing dishes. Come in the living room, they

want to take a family picture.

JIMMY

No Pop, of course I like it, what's not to like?

POP

Well then you take it. Gretch, tell him to take the coat.

GRETCHEN

Jimmy, take the coat. But sit down, we're taking a picture.

Why am I the only one on the sofa? JUDE!

Jude runs in and jumps on the sofa. Mommy sits down next to him.

MOMMY

(shrieking)

GRA!! GRA!! Come in here!

GRACE

What?

MOMMY

Come here! They're taking  a picture!!

GRACE

Oh. Well why didn't anybody say so.

Grace heads into the living room.

JIMMY

Pop, I just feel funny taking your nice coat.

POP

(hot now)

I'm your father, and if I wanna give you a coat, I can

give it to you. Unless you just don't like it...

GRETCHEN

Guys! Sit down! We can talk about the coat later. Jude,

get up and sit down in front. Pop, sit next to Mommy. Jimmy

you sit next to Jude.

They sit down on the sofa.

NIKI

(looking through the viewfinder and setting up the shot)

Okay, everybody's gotta squish in together. Pop, sit

closer to Mary.

MOMMY

(to Pop)

What do you think, I'm gonna bite?

POP

Well, you just might.

MOMMY

And look at the camera for once. It's a family picture.

NIKI

Scooch in!

GRETCHEN

Tony! Grace!

Grace sits down next to Mommy.

GRETCHEN

Jude, sit down nicely and stop being a goof.

(calling out) TONY! We're waiting on you!

Tony comes down the stairs from the bathroom.

TONY

What are you doing?

NIKI

We're taking a family picture.

TONY

Well why didn't anybody tell me?

EVERYBODY

ARGH! Sit down!

NIKI

Squish in together, I can't get you all in.

Tony looks up at the ceiling.

TONY

What's that?

MOMMY

What?

TONY

Looks like a giant mosquito.

MOMMY

WHAAAAT?!!

TONY

(jumping up again)

I'll get it.

Everybody gets up and freaks out over the bug.

GRETCHEN

No! Everybody sit down!

Tony comes in with a dish cloth, which he snaps, killing the mosquito and leaving a giant blood splat on the ceiling.

TONY

Got it.

MOMMY

Oh look at the blood! IT'S GONNA STAIN!

GRETCHEN

(loud)

Everybody just SIT DOWN. I'll get the blood stain. SIT!

She dampens a paper towel, climbs up and wipes the mosquito splat off the ceiling.

GRETCHEN

See? Look. It's all gone.

MOMMY

Oh thank GOD!

GRETCHEN

Let's all just sit down! Niki? Where are you sitting?

NIKI

I'm sitting right there on the side. Okay, everybody

scooch in a little more. Pop, look at the camera. 

TONY

Where's Hattie? HATTIE!

Hattie, the dog, runs in and leaps on Tony. Niki pushes the timer button and runs into her spot on the sofa. Everybody looks at the camera and smiles.

MOMMY

What's it doing?

NIKI

Just smile Mary, it's on a timer.

MOMMY

What?

The camera takes the picture.

MOMMY

OH! Was that it? I wasn't looking at the camera!

NIKI

(ergh...)

Okay, we'll do it again. Everybody just sit there and

smile at the camera. It takes a few seconds.

MOMMY

Oh, alright.

Niki gets up and fiddles with the camera again.

TONY

(impatient)

Okay, sometime this month would be good.

NIKI

You can't rush greatness.

TONY

Yeah, but I've got a train to catch next Tuesday...

NIKI

This is my thing, don't rush me. Do I rush you when

you're drawing?

GRETCHEN

Yeah, does she rush you?

TONY

Oh, now I've got the two of youse.

NIKI

Okay, I've got it.

She sets the timer and runs to the sofa. Everybody smiles. There's a click.

GRETCHEN

The flash didn't go off.

NIKI

No?

JIMMY

No, no flash.

MOMMY

No flash.

GRACE

No flash.

Niki goes back to the camera.

NIKI

See what happens when you rush me?

TONY

Oh, geez...

NIKI

Okay, we're gonna do it again.

POP

Alright, people, let's get it this time!

GRETCHEN

JUDE! Sit down. And smile a real smile, not that weird one!

Tony, put the book down and stop being silly! And hold

onto the dog. Pop, look at the camera, you're not in the witness

protection program! Everybody just SIT AND SMILE.

IT'S A FAMILY PICTURE, DAMN IT.

Niki sets the timer and runs in again.

NIKI

Okay, this is it.

They all smile. The camera clicks. The flash works.

NIKI

We got it!

She runs to the camera and takes a look.

GRETCHEN

(to Niki, who's looking at the picture)

How does it look?

NIKI

Everybody looks like they're being tortured.

POP

Mary, where's my coffee?

MOMMY

Your coffee? What are you talkin' about? How am

I supposed to get your coffee when I'm sitting on the

sofa taking a family picture.

POP

I'm just saying...

GRETCHEN

I think that's as good as we're going to get.

Niki agrees. They all head back into the dining room.

FADE OUT.

 

Family Picture, 2012

____________________________________

More about Family...

VandyJ at The Testosterone Three and Me

Kendra at Life in the slow lane

Nain at View From Down Here

Ginny Marie at Lemon Drop Pie

Please check out everybody!

____________________________________

Next week on The Spin Cycle...

Water

It's still summertime. Lots of water activities out there. Swimming, waterskiing, surfing, tubing, boogie boarding. Pool? Lake? Ocean? Creek? River? Waterpark? Sprinkler? Waterfall? Water fountain?

I happen to LOVE the water, but then, I'm...a Pisces. That's right, we little fishes love our water.

Spin it, tell me, I'll link it.

See you next week!

Share your spin!
Highlight the code.
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Et voila! Linked!

<center><a href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" _mce_href="http://www.secondblooming.typepad.com/" target="_blank"><img src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" _mce_src="https://secondblooming.typepad.com/spincyclekeelyresize.jpg /" alt="Second Blooming"></a></center>

 

Camp Mama 2012 Week Seven: Boldly Going

Mmmm...I did something totally stupid the other night. What can I say? I blame that third glass of wine. It was late at night. I went slightly mad. I really don't know what I was thinking...I...mmmm...heh...

Bought a bikini.

I know, I know. It was completely stupid and impulsive. And optimistic. Maybe delusional.

After I told y'all about my hideous experience swimsuit shopping, a couple of you suggested I visit Lands End, where you can order a cute suit through the internet, and try it on in the privacy of your own home, where most of us do not have a dreaded three-way mirror. So I decided to check it out.

I must admit that I went there three times before I actually had the guts (mmm...enough wine) to make a purchase. After much hemming and hawing, I brazenly pushed to Purchase button for this...

Which seemed liked a kind of a compromise - a bikini top, but a more covering, retro/Bettie Page-like bottom. Cute, right? And ON SALE.

A few days later, the UPS man rang the bell, and handed me my little Lands End box. I started to panic. I ran into the bathroom with my box and locked the door behind me, starting to mildly hyperventilate. I put the box on the bathroom counter and stared at it. What the hell was I thinking?

I finally got up the courage, opened the box, and put the thing on. The top? Fits great and actually looks pretty good. The bottom? Ugh. First of all, all that "cute", "retro" ruching makes me look like I'm wearing a giant diaper. I kind of fiddled and arranged the ruching and decided that if I stood extremely straight and slightly to the side, sucked in my stomach and held my breath, I didn't look completely grotesque.

Did I look good? Absolutely not. I look okay from the boobs up and from the legs down. But the entire mid-section is a serious problem. I mean, I've been doing my jogging, so my legs are looking fairly toned, but my middle-aged, peri-menopausal midsection is a sad sight. It's basically pasty and fleshy and not in any way sexy. Again...what the hell was I thinking?

I stared at myself for a minute. Did I dare wear this in front of other human beings? I needed a second opinion.

FADE IN:

Jude is sitting on Jimmy and Gretchen's bed, watching yet another episode of SpongeBob. Gretchen peeks only her head into the room.

GRETCHEN

Jude. Can you pause that a minute? I need your opinion.

JUDE

(pausing the tv)

Yeah?

GRETCHEN

I, uh, mmmm, uh...bought a bikini.

JUDE

(dumbfounded)

A bikini?

GRETCHEN

(sheepishly)

Yes.

JUDE

Why?

GRETCHEN

(stumped)

I don't know.

JUDE

(giggling)

But you're...you know...

GRETCHEN

Yes, I know. I'm an old Mama, not a hot young girl. Well Mister,

Mamas can wear bikinis too.

JUDE

(going along)

Okay.

GRETCHEN

So...I need you to look at me in the bikini, and tell me if I look too bad.

JUDE

Alright.

GRETCHEN

Okay. Here I come.

She takes a deep breath and steps into the room, her stomach sucked in as much as possible. She poses with one foot in front of the other and her hand on her hip. Jude stares, dumbfounded.

GRETCHEN

(her voice choked because she's holding her stomach in)

What do you think? Am I too fat?

JUDE

(stares for a beat more before realizing he's expected to answer)

Um...no. You're not fat. You just kind of...

(searching for the least offensive word)

...squishy.

GRETCHEN

(deflated...literally)

Squishy?

JUDE

(apologetic)

Yeah. Your tummy. It's kind of...a little...squishy.

(backpedaling diplomatically)

But the other parts look okay. You're not REALLY fat.

GRETCHEN

Just squishy.

JUDE

Yeah.

GRETCHEN

So...if I were to wear this bikini to the beach in front of other people,

would you be terribly embarrassed?

JUDE

(considering the question carefully)

Not...terribly embarrassed.

Gretchen nods, understanding that this is probably the best reaction she should expect, and leaves the room. Jude unpauses SpongeBob.

FADE OUT.

In the end, after some encouragement from my friend Melissa, I decided to go for it. How bad could it be? I could lie on my stomach for half the time, and flat on my back the other half, and maybe if I flipped over very quickly without bending my waste at all...okay that's silly. Would all of my Beach Friday friends point and jeer at me? That was doubtful. They might feel extremely embarrassed for me, but I doubted they would actually express that outwardly.

And I was correct. No jeering. Actually, nobody really paid much attention to my body at all. In fact, if I hadn't made such a big, silly deal about the whole thing, nobody would have said/done anything. Which I think should be a lesson to me. My insecurity is stupid because nobody cares what my big, squishy belly looks like but me.

The more troubling question is why would a 51-year old woman EVER feel the need to wear a bikini to the beach in the first place? Why did I suddenly, after a lifetime of modestly keeping my mid-section covered, decide I needed to bare it all? I don't really know. Is it some kind of bizarre mid-life crisis? Is the bikini my version of a middle-aged guy's convertible? Or is it just "Because it's there"?

But I must admit, it was very freeing. Kind of like skydiving. I jumped. I did it and I didn't die. At some point during the day, Melissa looked at me and said "You're very proud of yourself, aren't you?" And I guess I was, in a way. Not at all proud of the way I looked, but proud that I was able to put my vanity aside, and let it all hang out. Literally.

On the way home in the car, Jude suddenly said to me "You know, Mom, I never really even saw your tummy in your bikini. You were laying down all the time. So it wasn't really too embarrassing."

So there's that. Not really too embarrassing.

But I'm working on it. I have found this Dr. Oz's 7-Day Belly Workout. I'll let you know if it gets even less really too embarrassing. Please feel free to make fun of me in your comment.