Camp Mama 2014 Weeks Eight and Nine: Sigh...

Sigh...

I'm afraid I have been strangely silent during these last two weeks of Camp Mama when we were on our annual trip to New York. Usually I have a plethora of crazy but charming stories about my wacky in-laws - I know that all of you want to know what's up with Mommy. But this year I just didn't have much to say. I mean, we did lots of fun activities, and had some meaningful family time. But overall? The trip was extremely stressful and disappointing and...not fun. And why was it stressful and disappointing and...not fun? It was because of Mommy. There, I said it.

Mommy has just not been herself. Or actually, she has been herself times 200. You all know how much I adore my precious 85-year old mother-in-law. And I've told many stories about her neuroses and "Mommyisms". But over the last year, her fears and phobias have grown and amplified and festered to the point that it's incredibly difficult to be around her. And I'm very worried for her well-being and that of those around her.

I've mentioned before that Mommy fell down about a year ago. She was incredibly lucky that it didn't cause any physical injuries - no broken bones, no concussion. But the mental damage was huge - she's become so afraid of falling and embarrassing herself again, that she has become agoraphobic. She's afraid to go anywhere or do anything. And what's more, she doesn't have a moment of peace (nor does anyone around her) if anybody ELSE goes anywhere or does anything. She's only okay if everyone is home doing nothing. Which doesn't make for much of a vacation. Especially if you are 11.

She's terrible to Pop and poor Aunt Grace, who is so worried about her that she spends most of her time on Long Island helping, but is constantly yelled at and criticized. And Mommy is so irrational and illogical about her fears that you can't argue with her. First she will complain and moan about how nobody wants to do anything with her and she never goes anywhere - she actually, seriously said "I guess nobody loves me anymore!". But then when we would try (and try and try and try) to get her to come with us someplace or take her somewhere or do something all together, she would refuse, and come up with the most ridiculous excuses. "No, no, I have to...make the eggplant." "But Mommy, we're not eating the eggplant for two more days.Why don't we take you to the beach, it will be fun." "No, no, I can't." And then her voice would start to rise to a shrill level and pretty soon she was shouting things like "Nobody understands what it's like for me!" and her constant mantra "Nobody listens to meeeee!!!" Which is true, because so much of what she says is irrational.

You have to understand that is is NOT LIKE MOMMY! She's always been the MOST loving and embracing woman in the world, and the BEST mother-in-law ever. Her neuroses have been...cute and charming. So this is all very worrisome.

We tried. We really did. I cooked and cleaned for her as much as possible. We cut down on the number of activities we did and stayed home with her. But she didn't make it easy. One day we were home and a bored-out-of-his-mind Jude asked if we could please go and do something. When I suggested that he go in and spend some time with Grandma, he turned to me and said, not in a snotty way, just being honest, "What should I do with her? Just follow her around and watch her clean?" And that kind of summed it up. He could spend time with Grandpa - watch a baseball game on tv, watch one of Pop's old movies ("That Alan Ladd was some actor, kid."), or go for a ride to the "candy store" to buy the Lotto tickets. But what could he do with Grandma? She doesn't do anything.

So this made for a sad trip. But we did manage to have some fun times. Namely...

We managed to get Mommy out of the house a few times for dinners.

Aunt Grace, Niki and a very glamorous Mommy out for her birthday dinner.

Picture of us on the same evening. We clean up pretty well.

Jude, Mommy and Cousin Matthew at Hoy Ming for Chinese food.

Cousin love!

We had a great day kayaking at our friends Bob and Beverly's house on Oak Island...

Actually, Bob, Jude and I kayaked. Jimmy sat on the deck and worried about bugs.

And we always, always have a great time with our friends who live up the street - Ray, Jenny and Mia.

Friends and Sushi

Jude and I drove with them into Brooklyn to Coney Island...

Cyclone - best roller coaster on the planet.

Ray, Jenny, and me after we dumped the kids and went to Ruby's for beer.

And we loved that we just happened to be in town for the birth of Jude's newest cousin, Benjamin, and were able to make his bris...

Jude and Benjamin, who looks pretty relaxed despite having just gone through a traumatic experience.

It's interesting, when I talk to Mommy on the phone across the country, she's very different. I don't know if it's that the safety of distance keeps her from fretting about us too much or if she just puts on a sunny disposition for the phone. I was talking to her on the phone today, and she started sounding bad again - that weird tremor came into her voice. And we had a pretty frank and open conversation. I told her that I was worried about her, and actually used the word "agoraphobic" and she...agreed with me! I'm hoping she talks about all of this with her doctor soon, she said she would.

I would appreciate it if all of you would keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She's too wonderful of a human being to spend her golden years in a panic.

I did find one thing that made her VERY happy...

Yes, this is already in a frame and on the wall of Mommy's den!

This is, of course, right where Mommy wants Jude all the time. By her side.

 

Comments

[Lulu]

Sorry your trip wasn't stellar. Parents aging is so hard to deal with. Finding the balance between respect and care is like dancing on hot coals. My mantra has been "no regrets". It has helped me when I haven't wanted to deal with things - physically or mentally. "No regrets".

On a somewhat related note - what did you end up getting mommy for her birthday? :-)

[VandyJ]

Aging parents are hard to deal with. I dread having my mom slow down and show her age. I do hope that Mommy follows through and sees her doctor.

[Arnebya]

Oh, Mommy. I do hope she talks to her doctor soon. Follow up with her (I know you will). That picture DESERVES a frame! My goodness. And school has resumed, yes? Camp Mama is back to Mama Enjoying the Silence?

[Jan's Sushi Bar]

Poor Mommy. I truly hope she goes to the doctor, and that he/she can allay her fears. She's just so beautiful; I hope I look that good if I reach 85.

[Elizabeth Aquino]

I am so sorry to hear this, Gretchen. I have loved hearing about Mommy, and it must be so distressing to experience her "not herself." I wonder whether she needs an antidepressant or anti-anxiety drug? Many elderly people have so little serotonin that they become depressed and anxious -- a real chemical imbalance. I know several very elderly people who have been helped tremendously by Prozac, even, at a small dose.

[Janice]

Gretchen, I want to give you and encouraging word. We have had some tough years with parents, declining health and my mom being well a bitch. What's more Mom was forgetting every one of our birthdays, no calls, no cards, nothing. This was so unlike her. But in just the last few weeks her voice has brightened, she remembered my sister and my husband on their birthdays. I have saved her voice mail singing Gene happy birthday. The only difference is she is not in pain as she was for several years and concentrated prayers. Mommy will be in my prayers.