A Gift For Mommy

In a week, we are heading to New York for a two week stay with the in-laws. This year, all three of us are making the trip. Jimmy usually finds some "terribly important" work situation which gets him out of long stays with his parents. But since his recent near-death experience, he feels the need for some parental bonding. I'm hoping it's not a mistake.

This post, however,  is not about our upcoming visit. It's about something I need help with. In a couple of weeks, Mommy, my beloved, wacky, Brooklyn-Italian-American mother-in-law will be celebrating her 85th birthday! And still looking damned good I must say.

Mommy sunbathing in one of her slutty tank tops.

But I don't have a clue what to get her as a birthday gift! I mean, you can only give somebody a certain number of flashy earrings and slutty tank tops before it gets a little old. Last year, I went to Target (or as Mommy calls it "The Targets") and bought her makeup must-haves - her frosty pink lipstick, her black eyeliner. She liked this very much ("Loreal! SO FANCY!!). But this year, I'm clueless. Please read THIS POST which describes my similar problem locating what she wanted for Christmas.

I decided I needed to seek out help, and I found this cool website - Gifts.com. They have a gift finder with a "personality profiler", so I thought I'd give it a try. As a test, I did a profile for my Mama, and man, did they nail her. Their suggestions for her were perfect, from the LL Bean totebag to the backgammon set to the Jane Eyre scarf.

This is a great website! Let me give it a try for Mommy. Okay, let's start up this profiler...

Select Your Recipient: Woman.

Name: Mommy

Age: Senior

Okay, first question...

Her morning ritual includes...

1. A workout.
2. A crossword puzzle.
3. Checking emails.
4. None of the Above.

Hmm...they don't seem to offer Watching That Matt Lauer on the Today Program. So...None of the Above.

Question 2 -

She is best known for her...

1. Delicious baking.
2. Artistic flair.
3. Impeccable style.
4. None of the Above.

Well Mommy has never baked. And she isn't artistic. Do slutty tanktops count as Impeccable Style? ...None of the Above.

Question 3 -

A perfect vacation for her would be...

1. A trip through Europe.
2. A cruise in the Caribbean.
3. RV-ing with the grandkids.
4. None of the Above.

Mommy is afraid to leave her house. Actually, she's afraid for anybody to leave their house. None of the Above.

Question 4 -

She can never have too many (much)...

1. Parties.
2. Books.
3. Time with grandkids.

While Mommy does enjoy a good party, I don't think she's a party animal. And she hasn't read a book since 1947. Wait! Time with grandkids! Yes, that's Mommy!

Question 5 -

She'd love to take a class for...

1. Computers.
2. Yoga.
3. Arts.

You gotta be kidding me. None of the Above.

So let's see what they suggest...

Oh dear. This is not right. Some of their suggestions...

The Terazzo Two Person Picnic Case. Could you imagine Mommy and Pop on a picnic?! Outside? With the bugs? And if she got to the ground, they'd have to call 911 to get her up again!

The Kent Dual Drive Tandem Comfort Bike. HAAAAAAA!! Hysterical!!

LL Bean Discovery Binoculars. For use while hiking or...heeheeheehee...birdwatching! I GUFFAW! Could you picture Mommy BIRDWATCHING?!

 

Well clearly, this site is not understanding Mommy at all. So I thought I'd open it up to all of you and see if you can come up with something brilliant. Maybe if I end up using one of your ideas, I could give you a prize. Like maybe a phone call from Mommy or something. Though I can't guarantee that as she's kind of afraid of people on "the internets". Maybe a jar of Mommy's secret beauty elixir - Vaseline.

So here's a bit about Mommy to help you get some ideas...

Mommy is a bundle of love and neuroses.

Mommy's turn-ons are cleaning, chocolate, General Hospital, slutty tank tops, the Blessed Mother, blackberry brandy, flashy jewelry, sunbathing, talking to her girlfriends on the phone (all of whom are named Cathy) and her children/grandson. Her turn-offs include germs, bugs, lightning, elevators, bras, logic, "The City", all the scary things she hears about on The Today Show and often...Pop. Picture Edith Bunker with brassy hair and a top that shows just a little too much skin.

What Mommy does all day...

1. Cooks.
2. Cleans.
3. Watches tv.
4. Talks on the phone.

That's really pretty much all she does. She and Pop used to go out to dinner with friends pretty often. But sadly, most of their friends have died. And going out is getting harder and harder.
Ditto having guests. They used to have people over all the time, but now not so much.

I used to do pretty well just buying her some flashy clothes at some store that features clothing which most people would consider extremely inappropriate for a woman of her age - Victoria's Secret, Forever 21. But since she never goes anywhere, she doesn't really need her fancy outfits.

If  Mommy deems a gift "too nice" she will never use it. She will save it "for good". Stores she considers "too nice" are...well pretty much everything other than "The Targets" and Kohl's and maybe Macy's if it's on sale.

So what do you think? Ideas anybody? That perfect, incredibly thoughtful gift that will make Mommy so happy? PLEASE HELP!

Comments

[Michele]

My first thought was brandy filled chocolates. I know my 85 year old aunt loved the bourbon filled ones. Good thing I was driving. Anyway, can you make her some pretty pot holders? She cooks and I bet she'd love something made by ya'll.

[geri]

I love my Mary. The biggest and best gift she is receiving for her birthday is her beloved family (ALL) of them will be there this year to help her celebrate! My suggestion would be to buy a gift certificate from a cleaning service to do a whole house cleaning..or a window washer to clean inside and outside of all windows..because you know before time it will be time to change those summer curtains to fall curtains..and my favorite for Mary is to find a chocolate of the month club that would send her a chocolate bar preferably (hershey) each month for the entire year! Wish I could be there to celebrate but give her a big hug and kiss from us!

[Aimee]

What does she drink her Blackberry brandy out of? Maybe a new glass or two? Nothing fancy, of course.

A vhs collection of her favorite TV show? (I think you mentioned once they haven't upgraded to DVD? Or maybe that's someone else.)

Does she enjoy nail polish?

I would suggest framing the picture of Jude luging, but she'd probably freak out for the danger.

[Lynn]

How about you get a bunch of your friends and blog followers to each record a 10 second birthday message? One of the recorded messages could include a mention that you always speak so highly of her and miss her and that we are all so glad she is a healthy 85 (this is to save you from the blog explanation of how we all know her). Short of that, I do have inordinate number of movies and shows on VHS I'm willing to donate to the cause.

[Lulu]

It gets tougher as they get older and more set in their ways, doesn't it? How about a nice calendar with everyone in the family birthdays and anniversaries on it. A gift certificate for a dinner out for her and Pop (not to expensive mind you :-), or car detailing, or a book of taxi vouchers. A subscription to a favorite magazine. Long distance calling card. May the force be with you! Ha ha.

[Jan's Sushi Bar]

Print - on photograph paper - a bunch of pictures of Jude. Not the ones where you try and make him smile and pose, but the ones you take of him *doing* things, like the lifeguard and luge, and put them all in a pretty frame for their house. And I second the idea of a set of pretty glasses for her blackberry brandy.

[Shannon]

A digital picture frame, (preloaded, of course) that she could watch while talking on the phone? Collect photos from all of the kids/grandkids and she could watch them go by. Promise an updated batch when you visit next so it's the gift that keeps on giving in a good way? :)

[marisa]

It looks like you have some good ideas; this year for my mom I bought her two shawls at Macy's they looked like pashmina two really pretty colors under 40.00 maybe under 30.00 how about a pretty robe from Victoria Secret or a nice bottle of Blackberry Brandy along with some nice tumblers all else fails go to TJ Max or Marshalls and get her one or two or three different sunglasses they can range 9.99 to 15 and up (I think) and they are name brands. lets see what you decide :) Marisa

[Janice]

Shannon suggested what I had thought of as a result of my Mom's response. I scanned in a ton of old photos and loaded those on the flash drive along with recent photos of grands, great and great great grands. Mom loves it. So much she begged me to do one for Aunt Opal a couple of years ago. Well, so long as she gets the digital thing. Gene's mom took apart the one we gave her to try and put a hard copy picture in it.....

[Meg]

How about a lounge chair for sunbathing? One with cup holders, and maybe a little table that folds out.

[Erica]

How about a subscription to something indulgent and that's delivered straight to her door? Also perishable so she can't save it for later? Like macarons?

http://www.shopsucre.com/macarons/macaroon-gift-sets.html