We actors are a brave bunch of people.
I think that most non-actors think that actors are courageous because they are able to get up and perform in front of people, and remember lines or whatever. And while that can certainly be bold and daring, I know that the most difficult task an actor faces, the thing that requires the most bravery is in revealing oneself, forcing yourself to face your innermost demons, your darkest, ugliest fears, and reveal them to strangers. It's unbelievably dangerous and compromising.
It isn't easy. But if you can do it, if you can really open yourself up, really "go there", an amazing thing happens. It's the closest thing to magic that I've ever experienced. It's as if your life and the life of the character kind of...meld, and reality and make-believe become one. It's...alchemy. And when that happens, it's an unbelievable feeling - completely freeing and joyful, even if it's painful, it's joyful. It tears you apart and yet it makes you feel amazingly alive. And it's completely addicting.
I'm afraid it doesn't happen often, these magical moments. Most of what we do is simple and fun. Someone once told me that when they worked with Henry Fonda, they noticed that Fonda had written all over his script. There were some pages where he had written copious notes and thoughts, then other pages where he'd simply written "NAR". My friend asked Fonda what NAR meant, and Fonda answered "No acting required." And that kind of sums it up. Pages and pages of NAR, but then there's a place where you have to come up with the stuff, to "go there". And when you do, it's just so amazing that you find yourself living for the next one.
I clearly remember the very first time it happened to me. I was in my high school one-act play competition. We were doing a production of The Trojan Women by Euripides, a seriously dramatic piece, and kind of a silly play for a bunch of teenagers to tackle. I played Andromache, the widow of Hector, and during the play, I not only mourn the death of my husband and the end of Troy, but my small son is dragged away and put to death. It's good stuff, much keening and wailing. In the middle of our performance at "Regionals" I had a moment. I was trying to comfort the women of Troy, and I turned to my friend Naomi, who was part of the Greek chorus, and I remember reaching out and touching her face, something I'd never done before, and suddenly...I was there. I was there in Troy, surrounded by death and ruin, and my brave husband who I had adored had been killed and all I knew and loved was being taken away from me. And I grabbed Naomi, and we held each other and cried and it was...real. And I was hooked. I happened to win a statue for "Best Actress" for that performance too, not that it mattered, the reward was in the doing.
Twelve years ago, I did a play here in LA, a stage version of They Shoot Horses, Don't They? I played the Jane Fonda part, if you remember the movie. It was the lead role, and I was on stage for the entire 2 hours of the play. During those two hours, I danced almost constantly (it's about a 1930's dance marathon), fell in love, was raped and at the end, killed myself. Good stuff. But at the beginning of the show, just before the curtain went up, I used to visualize myself on the edge of a cliff, and as the lights went up, I jumped. And the next two hours I was freefalling. I loved it.
It doesn't only happen in dramatic roles. A while back I did a little film called Family Tree, and in it my character got stoned and had this long, really inappropriate laughing fit at her family's Thanksgiving dinner. It got so caught up in it that I couldn't stop laughing for hours, long after the shot was over. I was weeping with laughter, my sides ached.
Actors live for a role that allows them to go into freefall and feel the alchemy. And when you get one, you become extremely attached to the character - ending the run of a play or wrapping a movie feels like a death in the family. Truly.
It's been quite a while since I've felt it. Since Jude was born, I've done almost nothing but commercials, and believe me, no alchemy is happening on a commercial set. And I miss it. I do. Interestingly, I think that writing this blog has helped me to not miss the acting as much. There's a certain level of raw honesty and vulnerability about blog writing that fulfills a bit of the need for danger that actors become used to.
I think it might be time, though. Time to act again. I've been dabbling. Maybe a play. I'll let you know.
Or I guess I could always take up skydiving.
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I love this look into acting! I can't even remember what I've seen Harland Williams in, but he's hilarious! Your love for acting really shines through in this post, Gretchen. :)
I'm really not an actor, but I had fun doing the VBS skits this summer. Our pastor was a knight who was not very bright and the kids thought he was hilarious!
I'm looking forward to finding out what we'll spin about next week.
Posted by: Ginny Marie | 09/27/2013 at 04:42 AM
My acting interaction comes from high school plays and little theater when I was really little, but I loved acting--I got to be someone else, if only for a little while. Someone who was generally very different from who I thought I was. And maybe I got to keep a little bit of that person when I was done.
Here's to acting and actors and characters--they improve every one they touch--generally.
Posted by: VandyJ | 09/27/2013 at 07:31 AM
Hi Gretchen - I love it when it all comes together...and I love seeing it and loved it when I felt it myself. Many moons ago I attended HB Studios in the village and my older self is very proud of my younger self for doing something I always dreamed of but never had the nerve. Improv was fun,doing scenes and being there was terrific. I also love being moved when watching scenes in movies and seeing the actors transformation of being there as well. One I can think of right now is when Meryl Streep (she can do it all) when she sings Winner Takes It All- in Mama Mia ...it's not a song anymore but a vulnerable moment in front of the only man she truly loved! Another scene is in Moonstruck when Olympia asks her husband "have I been a good wife" what gets me every time is the sigh.
Must stream your movies... will try this weekend!:)
Awesome post!
Enjoy the weekend!
Marisa
Posted by: marisa | 09/27/2013 at 09:02 AM
I loved this post so much. I have often wondered what actors must feel when they are in the moment. The way you described your high school competition gave me goosebumps.
Now I want to add Family Tree to my netflix queue1
Posted by: Patty | 09/29/2013 at 05:34 PM
Thanks for sharing such a personal part of your acting on this spin. Good to be spinning again! And we have a contract on our house, Texas in the crosshairs now. Well, in the GPS crosshairs.
Posted by: Janice Adcock | 09/29/2013 at 09:18 PM
I loved this post, and though I don't act, I do live storytelling, and this happens to me... I become what I'm telling and I feelit. Sometimes, I stay so sad afterward, because the memory is still alive, even though my time on stage is over... it is all so real again. I truly loved what you made me feel here, I hope you do act again, because it is so much a part of who you are... I can tell.
Posted by: Alexandra | 10/11/2013 at 10:26 PM