RTT: Golden Globes 2013 Edition

 

It's award season once again! Which means it's time once again for me to bitch and criticize the behavior and choices of the beautiful people of Hollywood with careers which are much more successful than mine.

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Best hosts ever -

I LOVE, LOVED Tina Fey and Amy Poehler! I want to be them when I grow up. I think they should host everything from now on! Forget about Billy Crystal and Ricky Gervais, these ladies rocked! Smart, funny, edgy. Unfortunately, they were sort of absent for the second half of the show. I'd have much rather seen more of their banter than some of the more lamo presenters (Jessica Alba - I mean, she's real purty and all, but what the hell has she done in the last 5 years - Fantastic Four 3? Spy Kids VI?)  Here's their opening sequence, in case you missed it. I apologize for the dreadful quality of this video - I think they recorded it with their coffee maker or something...

 

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Funniest speech of the evening -

Retiring Hollywood Foreign Press Association President, Dr. Aida Takla O'Reilly. Yes, it's true. I must admit that I wasn't really listening to the beginning of her speech, because, well, she was the retiring Hollywood Foreign Press Association President, and also because I was so distracted by the fact that she has had so many face lifts that her ears seemed to be growing out of the back of her neck, but then I caught something and said "Huh?" and had to rewind it and watch it again. Hysterical. I'm guessing she figured she was retiring, and had her ears growing out of the back of her neck and so she could say whatever the hell she felt like. She made fun of everybody and then ended it by hitting on Bradley Cooper. You go girl!

 

"Call me maybe."

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Second funniest speech of the night -

Adele, winning for Best Original Song in a Motion Picture. She was so refreshingly not "Hollywood" - just a London girl all dressed up for a "Mum's night out with my friend Ida". Don't you think Adele would like to be my mate? We could grab a pint at the pub and eat some chips and crisps. I'm gonna work on this.

 

"We've been pissing ourselves laughing all night."

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People I most desperately wish had won in their categories -

Darcy St. Fudge and Damian Francisco. Just to make sure people were paying attention, silly Tina and Amy sneaked in as nominees from a fictional tv miniseries called Dog President...

 

As the psychic who solves her own murder - Darcy St. Fudge

As a professional volleyball player battling Restless Leg Syndrome - Damian Francisco

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Best presenter: Funny -

Kristen Wiig and Will Farrell were hoots. Seriously, they should only allow people who have at some time been SNL cast members hand out awards. Would make for a much better evening.

 

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Best presenter: Not funny -

Bill Clinton surprised everybody by showing up to introduce the clip from Lincoln. I'm thinking he knows a thing or two about getting a controversial bill passed by a divided congress!

 

Probably spent a few nights in the Lincoln bedroom.

 

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Most confusing speech of the evening -

I am still fairly befuddled by Jodie Foster's strange, rambling Life Achievement Award acceptance speech. I feel that I should first say that I've never particularly cared for Jodie Foster. With the exception of The Accused, her acting always leaves me cold. But I must say that after this weird speech, I kind of like her more. She started out by making a reference to a 12 year old SNL skit about being 50, the same old SNL skit that I referenced on my 50th. Then she went on to kind of almost maybe sort of "come out", even though I'm pretty sure that we've all known she's a lesbian for the last 20 years. Then, after rambling on about rather personal things, she made a statement about how important privacy was. Then she talked about her mother and made me cry. And her arms look fab. And I like her hair. It was all very confusing.

 

Looking good, Jodie. Even if you are a freakshow.

 

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People who need to take a chill pill and get a sense of humor -

Tommy Lee Jones.

 

Didn't get the joke. Ever.

 Mel Gibson.

Looked like his mugshot all night.

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Most embarrassing presenter moment -

Catherine Zeta-Jones decided that she needed to sing a little bit for us when she presented a clip of Les Miserables. I guess she figured...it's a musical, and...she was in a musical. Yeah, I didn't get it either.

 

Just stick to the teleprompter, Catherine.

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Best facial hair -

Bill Murray

 

Impressive

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And now on to the fashion!

My personal best dressed choices -

Claire Danes

 

Had a baby about a month ago. I hate her.

 

Anne Hathaway

 

Tres chic

 

Jennifer Lawrence

 

Most people hated the pointy boobage, but I love the shape and the color. And the hair.

Katharine McPhee

 

Kind of scary, but good.

 

Naomi Watts

 

Look, it's my new favorite color, maroon!

 

Lucy Liu

 

Yes, everybody else hated this dress. I think it's fun. And it has pockets!

 

And...the bad -

Lena Dunham

 

It's a proportion thing, right? It's just...off.

 

Eva Longoria

 

Too complicated.

 

Jessica Chastain

 

Great color, but made her boobs look strangely saggy. And her hair is freaking me out.

 Kaley Cuoco

 

Okay, put your hand over her head. Kind of a sexy/demure thing, right? Then put your hand over the dress. Goth/Morticia Addams, right? Stylist needed to pull her head and body together.

 

Halle Berry -

 

Many people have criticized this overly complicated dress - the pattern, the many cutaways. But my issue? It looks like she only has a right boob.

Am I right? Looks like she's had a mastectomy.

 

I hereby give the Christina Hendricks Award to Jennifer Lopez -

 

This year's woman with whom I'd most like to have a lesbian affair.

  

And just because she never fails to disappoint -

Helena Bonham Carter

One day, she's going to show up at one of these awards shows looking gorgeous and tasteful, and shock us all!

 

Okay, that's it for my ranting. Go see Stacy for more randomness.

Comments

[Claire]

I commend Lucy Liu for having pockets in a dress. So useful!

[Stacy Uncorked]

I knew I could count on you for an awesome Golden Globes recap! And I completely concur with everything you said. :)

Smash Returns But Doesn’t, More Car Repairs, Phone Bling and The Cups Song: Random Tuesday Thoughts Rebel

[VandyJ]

I love checking out the best and worst dressed after these shows. It's harder to find the really snarky comments, but I do love looking and reading about the "beautiful" people.

[Sarah at 32Flavors]

I looked right at Lucy Liu's dress and thought, people are going to hate it, but for some reason I love it. I know I should think it looks like curtains, but for some reason I thought it was fabulous. It was confusing even in the moment.

Tina and Amy were fabulous. You're so right, there should have been more of them. I loved after President Clinton left the stage and they were all, "OMG! Hillary Clinton's husband! That was Bill Rodham Clinton!"

I could not figure out what was wrong with Jessica Chastain's hair. Is it the style? Is it the color?

I thought the GG's were better than any award show I'd seen in a long time. There was a lot more funny, which is just better for everyone. I liked that Claire Danes thanked the costume person for letting her pants out every week when she was pregnant. I really haven't paid any attention to Jennifer Lawrence, but I liked her speech. For some reason it made me laugh that Jennifer Garner finished Ben's thank you when she presented. I would credit it to the mood set by Tina & Amy. They should host everything all the time.

[Eileen]

Jessica's hair made me throw up in my mouth.
Less make-up for Katniss, please.

[Aimee]

One of my favorite dresses of the evening? Morena Baccarin's. I know, *almost* matronly, but so, SO striking. I adore it. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/13/morena-baccarin-golden-globes-2013-dress-photos-red-carpet_n_2459211.html) Never heard of the woman before, but still.

Jennifer Lawrence's dress had amazing gorgeous potential, but the boobtastrophy ruined it for me.

[Ginny Marie]

I just love your recaps! So much fun to read, especially since I usually miss the award shows themselves. But I love looking at the dresses!

[Jan's Sushi Bar]

I'd never notice this stuff if you didn't post about it, and I thank you for it.

The only real comment I have (besides agreeing that Halle Berry looks as if she's missing a boob) is that Lucy Liu looks as if she's sort of channeling Scarlett O' Hara:

"Look - I've got a dress made out of my grandmother's living room drapes!"

[Harriet]

Mel looked nutty and that Lucy dress- wth? I'm with ya on the hostesses. Have a great RT!

[Xmasdolly]

Poppin' over from Stacy's I have to tell you I was very upset that I missed the Golden Globes awards and now you have satisfied my curiosity. Thanks very much. Fantastic job & no commercials just the way I like it. woo hoo

[Janice Adcock]

Loved your recap. Dang, I missed the program.

[Mo @ The Baby Is Fine]

Fabulous recap! I was so perplexed by JF's speech...it was heartfelt and I wanted to like it, but I was just so confused. Did she not think about it ahead of time (it's not like the award was a surprise)? Or DID she think about it and that's really exactly what she wanted to say? I feel like something went awry in the delivering of that speech.