So I Did That

I had the sex talk with Jude.

Even though it seems to me that he's still a little young for this, I went ahead with it because...

1. He was asking some questions.
2. A certain amount of puzzling misinformation seemed to be floating around amongst his little gang of friends.
3. All the girls at school seemed to already know everything.
4. I hated the idea that he would be the very last one to know. I would rather him be the one with the accurate answers than be like my friend Gwen, who thought that you got pregnant if a boy peepeed on you.

So I'd been kind of looking for an opening, you know, thinking I'd find an organic, casual segue into the whole thing. I didn't want to make too big of a deal about it, and scar him for life. But I'd been waiting for this elusive organic, casual segue for quite some time. I mean, I couldn't just say "I love that Lego tower! And speaking of erections..." or "Oops you dropped the baseball. You know, there are other balls that drop as well."

Then, the other night, I was tucking him into bed and he asked me "Mom, what does 'doing your wife' mean?" Thank you YouTube! It was perfect!

I told him that "doing your wife" was a crude way of saying "have sex with your wife" and I told him that I thought he was old enough to be told the details of all of that if he thought he was ready.

This interested him very much indeed. He sat up eagerly and said that yes, he would very much like to know all about it. And so, I began.

Mostly, I talked about parts. Boy parts and girl parts. And how they grow and change. And what comes out of some parts and goes into other parts. I used lots of technical words like "semen" and "testicle" and "intercourse" and "vagina". He nodded intently. He seemed mostly interested in erections and breasts. The other parts seemed a little icky and vague.

He asked me some good questions. He said that he had been under the impression that "having sex" was getting naked and kissing a lot. He was unaware of all the parts stuff, and seemed a little disappointed. But I assured him that getting naked and kissing was also done at the same time the weird parts stuff was done, and he seemed relieved. He was interested in the number of eggs that a lady had in her, and if they ran out as she got older, and when I told him that this was true, he asked if that was why he was an only child and I said yes. This seemed to comfort him a little - it was all just a biological issue.

The only thing that seemed to genuinely upset him was the whole menstruation thing. Which maybe I didn't have to go into, but I was on a roll. "The girls have to BLEED?! Every month?! That is SO unfair!! Does it HURT?! Why would God DO that to them?!" Why indeed. I didn't go into anything about Eve and the damned apple, but said that it was just what we had to go through in order to be able to create a baby in our bodies, which is about the coolest thing to do in the world. This seemed to appease him a bit. And I have to say, I was pleased by his empathy.

After I finished all this talking, he put his head down on his pillow, deep in thought. I figured that I should let him go to sleep and ponder all the serious, life-changing information I'd imparted. He looked at me questioningly and asked "Mom? Did you see that funny thing they had on MAD? It was called Criminal Mindcraft, and it was a parody of Criminal Minds AND Minecraft. SO funny!" And that was that.

A couple of days later, I was driving him and his BFF A.J. to a cross-country practice and I heard the following conversation from the backseat.

FADE IN:

Gretchen drives her Prius. Jude and AJ ride in the backseat, talking in hushed tones. Gretchen casually fiddles with the radio so they won't know she's eavesdropping.

JUDE

So, my mom told me what "sex" was.

AJ

Yeah, my mom told me too! It's weird, right?!

JUDE

SO weird.

AJ

You know what the grossest part is?

JUDE

What?

AJ

My mom DID THAT with my DAD. TWO TIMES!!!

They both shake their heads, shocked and dismayed. Gretchen giggles quietly to herself.

FADE OUT.

Comments

[Erica]

You are my hero.

Perhaps this could be a new line of work for you? Other parents could hire you to give their kids an accurate and non-scarring sex talk. You rock!

[Elizabeth Aquino]

I love it! When I told Oliver about sex, he asked me whether I had "done it," and when I told him yes, he looked at me, shook his head, said "that's just WRONG" and walked away!

[Sarah]

Ella had a similar response. My two favorite lines of hers were, "Why would he DO that??" and "Wait. Did you have to do that with Daddy???"

[Jan's Sushi Bar]

Back in the early 90s when the whole AIDS scare was really ramping up, one of my oldest friends was watching a television show about that very subject with her daughter, the eldest of her four children, who was about 9 at the time.

When it was over, the daughter asked my friend many questions about the disease, which led to The Discussion About Sex, and the dangers of indulging in it indiscriminately (remember the campaign of "You're having sex with everyone your partner has ever had sex with!!")

Her daughter wasn't any more impressed with the mechanics of the whole thing than Jude was, and promptly informed my friend how lucky she was to only have had to "do it four times."

My friend immediately called me on the phone and we laughed until we cried.

[Mo @ The Baby Is Fine]

awesome job! I'm impressed :) and his reaction is adorable :)

[Dawn]

What an empathetic little man you are raising. My daughter is only 5 so we aren't quite there yet but my having majored in biology will make her the most over-informed child in her class.

[Arnebya]

I am sooooooooooo proud of you, especially since you seemed even more frightened once I laid it all out for the girls earlier this year. And yes, I'm glad he has empathy for the dreaded curse. When Chobe said, after getting her period on Christmas day last year, "This is no gift!" I had to smirk. Oh. Oh oho hoh ohoh. How one day that opinion may change.

[Michele]

It is much better to have the sex talk to children than to a Victorian raised 80 year old mother-in-law. Kids are just creeped out by the whole thing. Mother-in-laws want to know why you would do certain acts. When your answers is "because it feels great" they respond with, "I knew I was missing something." Then you just feel bad for them.

[Daddy]

Thanks, Gretchen! You cleared up a few nagging questions I've had for a long time. (Said the father of two.)
;-)

[AimeeWrites]

Yay! I knew Jude would handle it well. The empathy thing is great. I have a friend who was the only sister among brothers, and their mom "trained" the boys to take care of women (mom and sis) when she has her period...be kind, soft-spoken, fetch chocolate, etc. They are apparently all very good husbands now. :)

[Alaina]

Yep, Jude, it isn't fair. That's hilarious the conversation he had with his friend. Too funny...

So here's my Spin for the week! I'd be more stoked about these cookies, though, if I didn't eat two of them just right before I got the stomach flu, though...

[VandyJ]

We've had two "sex" talks with Turbo now. one when he was seven and we were watching a nature show. That one was general. The more specific one came after he announce last spring that he knew what sex was. It was rolling around without your shirt on with a girl.
nick bit the bullet and gave him the more detailed run down of what happens and how. Turbo was about as impressed as Jude. At least he knows the proper mechanics and all. Just so long as he waits to practice those mechanics until he's, you know 20 or so. Wishful thinking on my part, but still...

My spin is up:
http://tttandme.blogspot.com/2012/11/spin-cycle-swapping-cookies-sort-of.html

[Star]

Very sweet, very beautifully done. I visited your blog thanks to the blog roll on Suburban Matron. Thanks, Star

[Kendra]

Way to go. This is one part of parenting I'm not looking forward to.