FADE IN:
The family home, Long Island, NY. Gretchen attempts to gather everybody together, while Niki sets up her camera.
GRETCHEN
Hey guys! Come on in the living room, Niki and I
want to take a family picture!
MOMMY
What?
GRETCHEN
A family picture. Come on in the living room.
AUNT GRACE
(doing dishes)
A what?
MOMMY
(loud because Grace can't hear)
A picture! They want to take a family picture!
Gretchen sits on the sofa. Nobody else sits down. Pop is making Jimmy try on a leather jacket.
GRETCHEN
Hey guys! Come on! Jude come in here!
JIMMY
Pop, it's a beautiful jacket, but I don't want to take
your jacket, you use it, don't you?
POP
No, I want you to have it. You take it. Did you feel it?
Gretch, did you feel that leather? That's some leather.
NIKI
Tony? Where's Tony?
MOMMY
He's in the bathroom.
(shrieks in high-pitched voice that might shatter glass)
TOOOOOOOOONNNYYYY!! We're taking a picture!
GRETCHEN
JUDE! Turn off the Olympics and get in here. We're taking
a picture!
JIMMY
No, Pop, I can't take your jacket, it's yours, you keep it.
POP
(offended)
What, you don't like it?
NIKI
Tony! We're taking a picture!
MOMMY
GRACE! Stop doing dishes. Come in the living room, they
want to take a family picture.
JIMMY
No Pop, of course I like it, what's not to like?
POP
Well then you take it. Gretch, tell him to take the coat.
GRETCHEN
Jimmy, take the coat. But sit down, we're taking a picture.
Why am I the only one on the sofa? JUDE!
Jude runs in and jumps on the sofa. Mommy sits down next to him.
MOMMY
(shrieking)
GRA!! GRA!! Come in here!
GRACE
What?
MOMMY
Come here! They're taking a picture!!
GRACE
Oh. Well why didn't anybody say so.
Grace heads into the living room.
JIMMY
Pop, I just feel funny taking your nice coat.
POP
(hot now)
I'm your father, and if I wanna give you a coat, I can
give it to you. Unless you just don't like it...
GRETCHEN
Guys! Sit down! We can talk about the coat later. Jude,
get up and sit down in front. Pop, sit next to Mommy. Jimmy
you sit next to Jude.
They sit down on the sofa.
NIKI
(looking through the viewfinder and setting up the shot)
Okay, everybody's gotta squish in together. Pop, sit
closer to Mary.
MOMMY
(to Pop)
What do you think, I'm gonna bite?
POP
Well, you just might.
MOMMY
And look at the camera for once. It's a family picture.
NIKI
Scooch in!
GRETCHEN
Tony! Grace!
Grace sits down next to Mommy.
GRETCHEN
Jude, sit down nicely and stop being a goof.
(calling out) TONY! We're waiting on you!
Tony comes down the stairs from the bathroom.
TONY
What are you doing?
NIKI
We're taking a family picture.
TONY
Well why didn't anybody tell me?
EVERYBODY
ARGH! Sit down!
NIKI
Squish in together, I can't get you all in.
Tony looks up at the ceiling.
TONY
What's that?
MOMMY
What?
TONY
Looks like a giant mosquito.
MOMMY
WHAAAAT?!!
TONY
(jumping up again)
I'll get it.
Everybody gets up and freaks out over the bug.
GRETCHEN
No! Everybody sit down!
Tony comes in with a dish cloth, which he snaps, killing the mosquito and leaving a giant blood splat on the ceiling.
TONY
Got it.
MOMMY
Oh look at the blood! IT'S GONNA STAIN!
GRETCHEN
(loud)
Everybody just SIT DOWN. I'll get the blood stain. SIT!
She dampens a paper towel, climbs up and wipes the mosquito splat off the ceiling.
GRETCHEN
See? Look. It's all gone.
MOMMY
Oh thank GOD!
GRETCHEN
Let's all just sit down! Niki? Where are you sitting?
NIKI
I'm sitting right there on the side. Okay, everybody
scooch in a little more. Pop, look at the camera.
TONY
Where's Hattie? HATTIE!
Hattie, the dog, runs in and leaps on Tony. Niki pushes the timer button and runs into her spot on the sofa. Everybody looks at the camera and smiles.
MOMMY
What's it doing?
NIKI
Just smile Mary, it's on a timer.
MOMMY
What?
The camera takes the picture.
MOMMY
OH! Was that it? I wasn't looking at the camera!
NIKI
(ergh...)
Okay, we'll do it again. Everybody just sit there and
smile at the camera. It takes a few seconds.
MOMMY
Oh, alright.
Niki gets up and fiddles with the camera again.
TONY
(impatient)
Okay, sometime this month would be good.
NIKI
You can't rush greatness.
TONY
Yeah, but I've got a train to catch next Tuesday...
NIKI
This is my thing, don't rush me. Do I rush you when
you're drawing?
GRETCHEN
Yeah, does she rush you?
TONY
Oh, now I've got the two of youse.
NIKI
Okay, I've got it.
She sets the timer and runs to the sofa. Everybody smiles. There's a click.
GRETCHEN
The flash didn't go off.
NIKI
No?
JIMMY
No, no flash.
MOMMY
No flash.
GRACE
No flash.
Niki goes back to the camera.
NIKI
See what happens when you rush me?
TONY
Oh, geez...
NIKI
Okay, we're gonna do it again.
POP
Alright, people, let's get it this time!
GRETCHEN
JUDE! Sit down. And smile a real smile, not that weird one!
Tony, put the book down and stop being silly! And hold
onto the dog. Pop, look at the camera, you're not in the witness
protection program! Everybody just SIT AND SMILE.
IT'S A FAMILY PICTURE, DAMN IT.
Niki sets the timer and runs in again.
NIKI
Okay, this is it.
They all smile. The camera clicks. The flash works.
NIKI
We got it!
She runs to the camera and takes a look.
GRETCHEN
(to Niki, who's looking at the picture)
How does it look?
NIKI
Everybody looks like they're being tortured.
POP
Mary, where's my coffee?
MOMMY
Your coffee? What are you talkin' about? How am
I supposed to get your coffee when I'm sitting on the
sofa taking a family picture.
POP
I'm just saying...
GRETCHEN
I think that's as good as we're going to get.
Niki agrees. They all head back into the dining room.
FADE OUT.
____________________________________
More about Family...
VandyJ at The Testosterone Three and Me
Kendra at Life in the slow lane
Nain at View From Down Here
Ginny Marie at Lemon Drop Pie
Please check out everybody!
____________________________________
Next week on The Spin Cycle...
Water
It's still summertime. Lots of water activities out there. Swimming, waterskiing, surfing, tubing, boogie boarding. Pool? Lake? Ocean? Creek? River? Waterpark? Sprinkler? Waterfall? Water fountain?
I happen to LOVE the water, but then, I'm...a Pisces. That's right, we little fishes love our water.
Spin it, tell me, I'll link it.
See you next week!
Share your spin!
Highlight the code.
Copy to your HTML.
Et voila! Linked!
Oh, my god. I'm dying laughing. And I particularly like Jude's realistic smile. I really can't stop laughing at the whole thing. I LOVE when you write about your wonderful family.
(By the way, YOU look gorgeous!)
Posted by: Elizabeth | 08/09/2012 at 10:44 PM
Oh, so funny! No one would ever guess how long it took to take that picture...
Posted by: Ginny Marie | 08/10/2012 at 05:58 AM
Man, I am laughing at this. I had the visual the whole time. Hatti and Jude are hilarious. More importantly, will Jimmy take the coat?
Posted by: Arnebya | 08/10/2012 at 06:20 AM
"Everybody looks like they're being tortured" cracked me up. Frankly, I'm surprised you got a family photo at all - I've had NO success with that at all. You, as usual, look lovely.
I like water too; I may actually participate next week.
Posted by: Jan's Sushi Bar | 08/10/2012 at 06:25 AM
They are all in the same spot. With a family picture that's about all you can really hope for. Jude's expression is one I've seen on Turbo's face more than once. What is it with little boys? They forget how to smile when they hit 5 don't they?
Posted by: VandyJ | 08/10/2012 at 07:47 AM
My husband will only take one picture. Even if he's the one taking it and not in it... I like to do a pirate eye routinely in pictures so THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Posted by: Julia's Math | 08/10/2012 at 08:20 AM
Oh my God, this is hilarious - I love that we got to see the picture...too funny!
Posted by: Alaina | 08/10/2012 at 10:18 AM
Bwahahahahaaaa!
Pop looks like Mommy really IS abut to bite him! Love it!
And I MUST spin the next one!
Posted by: Sprite's Keeper | 08/10/2012 at 12:17 PM
Love it! There is someone in our family who has to analyze each person in the picture and find some tragic flaw, thereby ruining the whole shot for her. As far as I'm concerned, as long as I don't look completely awful (without a wind excuse) it's lovely. It's about the "fun" of trying to take the photo and just the fact that everyone is together...love how you captured it!
Posted by: Andrea | 08/10/2012 at 12:42 PM
That is hilarious. The one family picture I remember was a Christmas a long time ago and as my grandma was trying to get in the picture from taking the picture on the tripod she tripped. That would have been some AFV stuff!
Posted by: Kendra | 08/10/2012 at 01:44 PM
Bahhahahha! Love Jude's 'natural' smile.
Posted by: Keely | 08/12/2012 at 07:34 AM
You ladies look so hot!
Posted by: mommylisa | 08/12/2012 at 09:39 AM