Full Disclosure

WARNING: ANY MAN WHO HAS FOOLISHLY CHOSEN TO READ TODAY'S POST SHOULD LEAVE IMMEDIATELY IF HE WANTS WOMEN TO REMAIN ALLURING AND MYSTERIOUS. BECAUSE SOME TRUTHS ARE ABOUT TO BE TOLD.

We all remember getting "The Talk". The birds and the bees. Becoming...a woman. My Mama ate this stuff up - loved being my "girlfriend". I remember her getting all misty-eyed about how her little girl was growing up. She bought me an assortment of feminine hygiene products, which she insisted on showing me how to use. My BFF Kaysie's mom had just filled a grocery sack with a variety of Kotex and left them outside her bedroom door in the middle of the night. But Mama actually wanted to HELP ME insert my first tampon! I kid you not. She insisted on hovering outside the bathroom door, "Is it in? Did you get it in?" "GO AWAY MOTHER! I can do this myself!"

But despite Mama's thorough and enthusiastic introduction to all things "woman", she never once talked to me about the next major phase in our lives...(cue ominous dum, dum, dum music)...menopause. She didn't share with me one single thing -- not a word. Despite the fact that she must have been going through it at the same time I was becoming a teenager (just imagine my poor Daddy's misery!), she never even mentioned her "change". It was a different time.

But now, BlogHer, in conjunction with Poise, is not only encouraging us, but actually PAYING us to have...The Second Talk. That's right, everything your mother never told you about The Change. And amazingly, Poise is actually launching a new first-of-its-kind line of over-the-counter "feminine wellness products" to help with symptoms of menopause! I'm gonna need to repeat that phrase - "first-of-its-kind". There has never been a line of products which exclusively help the symptoms of menopause! SAD. Clearly, this Poise company is run by women!

So here I go. Here's the Second Talk that your mother should have given you. I suggest you prepare yourselves. Mmmm...perhaps you should sit down.

The following are some of the hideous changes which will happen to your body...

1. Schedule/Smedule.

For my entire womanhood, my periods have been like clockwork. Every 30 days..."Hello Girlfriend." But as soon as this whole peri-menopause thing started my period got all weird and off schedule. It will go away for months and then BANG - back again. Sometimes I'll have TWO in a month. Misery. It happens.

2. You will have a Carrie moment.

And I don't mean this Carrie...

I mean this Carrie...

The term "stuck pig" comes to mind. After a lifetime of being a Regular tampon kind of girl, I am suddenly a Super Plus. And since it now shows up at random and inconvenient times, it's hard to always be prepared.

3. You will experience the pain of being incinerated from the inside out.

Also known as the hot flash. But "hot" is such a mild adjective that I feel I should elucidate. A burning heat begins in the center of your body and quickly radiates out to all of your extremities. Your pulse races; your breathing quickens. Sweat breaks out all over your body. You twitch and shake as if you're being electrocuted. I liken it to The Cruciatus Curse.

And this tends to be brought on by both coffee and alcohol, in other words, everything that makes life worth living. They also pop up when you're emotional or stressed, say...in the middle of a presentation or job interview or singing a solo. You know, convenient times like that.

And guess what? There's nothing you can do to stop them. Nothing. You can, however, kind of ease them. I'm looking forward to trying these new Poise products...

Roll-On Cooling Gel

Body Cooling Towelettes

...both of which claim to provide an "instant cooling sensation", which makes me slightly weak with desire for them.

4. You will become a nasty bitch.

Or a nastier bitch, depending on the mood in which you begin this whole odyssey. I am not a "hormonal" person. I have never known what PMS felt like. Weird, but true. Now, however? Oh yes. I get it. A biting, self-righteous, bitter anger toward everyone and everything stupid. Which is everyone and everything. My bullshit tolerance is down to zero. Actually...it's kind of freeing. Everybody better just shut up and stay out of my way.

5. You will pee yourself.

Yes, I know many of you lost the ability to control your urine flow back when you birthed a large child out of your small vagina. But sadly, menopause will make it worse. Forget jumping jacks or the trampoline, this happens when you're just sneezing or...walking.

6. Funky things will happen to your hoo-hoo.

Thankfully, none of this stuff has happened to me...yet. But apparently, it will. First of all, you will experience some kind of dreadful vaginal odor. I don't know exactly how dreadful we're talking about here. Try Googling "vaginal odor menopause" and you will gasp in horror. Poise is making these babies...

Panty fresheners

...which I think work kind of like those air fresheners you hang from your rearview mirror. Good to know. Because, seriously, I like to feel all pretty down there.

Also, your hoo-hoo will...dry up. I can't think of anything that would make a woman feel more like a hideous old hag than a dried-up hoo-hoo. I am not looking forward to this one at all. The good news is that lubricant is easy, and Poise's Personal Lubricant is made without fragrance, glycerin, or parabens.

Okay, ladies, that's it. That's your Second Talk. I hope you consider yourselves informed. And empowered. The truth will set you free. There's no reason to panic, we're all in it together.

You may now invite the men back into the room.

Poise brand wants to rally 1 million women to pledge to have The Second Talk by October 18th, which is World Menopause Day (who knew?). Please join the conversation and take the pledge at The2ndTalk.com.

BlogHer and Poise are also having a SWEEPSTAKES in which you can win...drumroll...a $250 Visa Gift Card! And who doesn't want that?!

All you have to do to be entered for a chance to win is to leave a comment answering the question "When do you feel most confident?" Here are the rules and how to win

No purchase necessary to enter or win.

Only unique Entries will be counted; duplicates will not be considered as an additional entry.

You may receive entries on this post by selecting from the following entry methods starting on July 26, 2012 at 9 a.m. PT and ending on August 24, 2012 at 5 p.m. PT:

a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post.

b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion, including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: “#sweepstakesentry”; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post.

c) Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post.

d) To enter without posting comments, see official rules.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail and will have 72 hours to respond or a new winner will be selected. Void where prohibited.

Be sure to visit Poise's brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers' reviews and find more chances to win!

Comments

[Arnebya]

My best friend's grandmother called hot flashes her private summer. Still makes me giggle. Let us not discuss the super plus PLUS PANTYLINER FOR THE INEVITABLE LEAK. A leak. From a super plus. I am cavernous now? WTH #6 is making me want to say "This is a good place for a Stick-Up!"

Boy, if my coworkers knew about the silly things I say on the internet...

[Jan's Sushi Bar]

You're the third blogger I've visited today who has posted about this giveaway, which I have little interest in. But, since I love you immensely, to say nothing of this post...I get it. Unfortunately.

Like you, I used to be like clockwork - every 28 days. Boom. Now? Who can tell, but the longer I go between periods, the more apt I am to have become the Wicked Witch of the West. And East. And South, if there is one. Combined. Don't even get me started on the "peeing yourself" bit - while I was in the midst of my bout of pneumonia and coughing my lungs out all day every day, I suffered the indignity of buying Poise's *other* product. You know...for incontinence. *sigh* And while I haven't had the hoo-hoo odor problem...yup. Dry as a bone. KY sucks for that, btw - I suggest Astroglide. Ahem.

My mother, who passed at 51, was in absolute denial she was in menopause until the day she died. I sort of understand why now.

[VandyJ]

Oh yippee! The things I get to look forward to. I am sitting on the cusp of all this fun stuff right now. Thanks for the "talk". I probably needed to hear it so I don't get odd surprises in the next few years.

My spin is up!
http://tttandme.blogspot.com/2012/07/spin-cycle-comedy-kids.html

[Mami2jcn]

I feel most confident when I'm having a good hair day and I'm dressed in clothing that fits me well.

[Mami2jcn]

tweet--https://twitter.com/mami2jcn/status/228502239361257473

[Alaina]

Yuck. Totally not looking forward to this.

My mom totally never had the talk with me. And I was one of the lucky ones...I was 12, and I had 13 day long periods. Bled through every thing. Painful cramps, double pads...it was awful.

I will be sure to have both talks with Aubrey when appropriate.

[Gerry in Missouri]

I feel most confident when I first get out of the shower and my hair decides to give me a good hair day.

[SoCalLynn]

Do they have a towellette that wipes off the mid-section weight gain? I could eat air and I would still gain weight around the waist. I had a hysterectomy 10 years ago and have been gaining ever since. Oh, and I'm gonna use those moisture thingys, too. Confident? Hasn't happened much lately, to be honest.

[Dawn]

I'm 38 and have been experiencing random hot flashes after a lifetime of being perpetually cold and my cycle has decided to take a bit of a vacation. Now, I don't know where to attribute this to peri-menopause because HAI 38 or lingering fall out from a miscarriage last year. And the funny thing is I've been planning on ambushing my mother with The 2nd Talk next week on vacation. (I'm her favorite child. Obviously.)

I'd have to say that I'm at my most confident when I can wear any of my nice stuff since my work attire is polos and khakis. Yay for manufacturing.

And this being a woman thing? Sucks giant hairy donkey balls.

[Rosa]

I feel more confident after a good work out and when I feel that my clothing is fitting better.

[Sarah at 32Flavors]

This sounds scary and awful. And I never got the first talk either.

Let's see...I fell confident when I'm in an outfit I love, and I've had time to do something to my hair and makeup. However, I don't currently own an outfit I love. Which is what I'd do with $250.

[Ginny Marie]

I feel the most confident when I am teaching, because it's what I do best!

I am slowly inching towards peri-menopause...I need the super-duper-plus-plus tampons! I had hot flashes when I was taking a hormone-suppressant years ago, and I am NOT looking forward to having them again. Cooling gel, here I come!

[Michele]

I wrote a post way back when about menopause. I should dig that up and send it to you. I had the same here today gone tomorrow then WTF you're back again? periods but just to let you know, when they actually stop...awesome! I set fire to my last box of tampons in celebration. JR thought I was crazy but I thought it was an appropriate response. Don't know about the smelly hoo hoo problem, I didn't get that. The peeing thing is a pisser (pun intended).

[kate]

oh dear. this left me just all too confused. with whom am I to be having this 2nd conversation? What does confidence have to do with menopause? Is anyone confident entering into the hot flash stage of her life? I am with you on the crazy ax murderer kind of blood flow in the menstrual cycle. It doesn't make me feel confident at all, just nervous.

[Stacy Uncorked]

My sister drew the short straw and has been in pre-menopause for quite a few years now. Something I'm *not* looking forward to - I'm hoping it holds off for another 10 years like it did for my mom. ;) I don't think I'm going to do well with hot flashes. ;)

Oh, and I'm spinning in circles this week:

http://stacysrandomthoughts.com/2012/07/spontaneous-comedic-moments/

[Kristie]

Well I was thrown in menapause last year after having an hysterectomy...the blessing of never having a period again and being replaced by hot flashes...I can deal with it! I'm now more confident since losing 38 pounds woo hoo!!

[Amy @ A Little Nosh]

I feel confident when I'm asked a question at work and I actually know the answer. And then I realize...I'm GOOD at what I do!

[courtney b]

i feel most confident after i work out or do a long run

[courtney b]

tweet

https://twitter.com/MeandBells/status/228872558643138562

[Stephanie]

i feel being confident just being my self!

[Stephanie]

tweet: https://twitter.com/akronugurl/status/228927659420286976 ..

[Amanda Sakovitz]

I feel most confident after getting my hair cut and colored!

pokergrl8 at gmail.com

[Amanda Sakovitz]

https://twitter.com/aes529/status/228943819482218496

[Elena]

I feel most confident after getting my hair done

elen150980 at yahoo dot com

[Elena]

https://twitter.com/ElenaIstomina/status/228973995368792064