Dilemma

Have any of y'all seen that new movie "The Dilemma"?  I have not. Of course. Because I never get to see anything.

But I keep hearing about it, and I find the whole dilemma of "The Dilemma" kind of fascinating.

The premise of the film is that there are two men who are best friends, and one of them finds out that the other one's wife is having an affair. The dilemma is whether to tell his cuckolded friend or not. And if so, how/when/where.

 

They were talking about it this morning on "The View". And typically, everybody seemed to have a slightly different opinion on it. Both about whether or not they would tell the friend, and whether or not they would want to be told by a friend if their own spouse was cheating.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who's younger, and tends to be pretty idealistic and black and white in her opinions, said that absolutely, she would tell her friend immediately, and absolutely she would want to be told. Whoopi, on the other hand, who's older and tends to be pretty cynical and world-weary and all about the shades of gray, said that it would be none of her business and she wouldn't tell the friend. Though she did say she'd warn the husband that she knew what he was doing. But the warning seemed less that since she knew he'd better straighten up, and more that if she knew that meant he wasn't being very discreet, and he should be more careful.

So I got to thinking.

If a friend of mine knew for sure that Jimmy was having an affair, I think I would definitely want to be told. Though I have to say, that my feelings stem mostly from my basic pathological hatred of anybody knowing anything that I don't know. The idea of somebody else knowing this information, but not me, freaks me out. It's the same reason I had to know what sex Jude was when I was pregnant. If it was the old days, when nobody knew, then that would have been fine. But the idea of some doctor knowing something about my child that I didn't know was intolerable.

If Jimmy was having an affair and nobody else knew? I don't think I'd want to know. Is that weird? Pathetic? Is it just that we've been together so damned long? At this point, if he was just getting a little something something on the side, but wasn't thinking of leaving us or his familial responsibilities, maybe it would be better if I just didn't know. What I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

As for what I would do if I knew something about a friend? I think it would depend a lot on my relationship with the friend, and also my relationship with the husband. Did I consider him a dear friend too?

Interestingly, about 10 years ago, Jimmy and I faced a similar situation with some friends of ours.

We had some friends, a couple who we had known for a long time. We were all close, we'd taken vacations  and spent holidays together. I actually felt that I was closer friends with the husband than with the wife, but I considered her a very good friend as well. We were all part of a theater company together, and worked together often.

They had been having a rough time. She had suffered several miscarriages. They argued frequently, and we'd actually witnessed some humdingers. At some point, they decided to separate, and he moved into the apartment of a friend who was away for the summer.

When I spoke to her about it, she described it as "taking a little break". I don't think she ever thought that it was, in fact, the end of her marriage. She assumed that after having some time to themselves, and at the end of the summer, when the friend whose apartment he was staying in returned, her husband would move back with her.

But within a month, we started seeing him with another woman, another member of our theater company. Suddenly, he was with her all the time, and it was clear that something fishy was going on. Jimmy and I both, separately confronted him, and he confessed to each of us that he was having an affair with this other woman. Worse, he said that he was in love with this woman, and that he didn't love his wife any more, that he'd never really loved her, that he now finally knew what love was...it was all rather sappy. And sloppy.

Within a very short time, everybody in our theater company seemed to know about the affair. Theater companies are extremely incestuous and gossipy by nature, and this was HUGE. It grew more and more horribly uncomfortable. It was clear what was going on, and clear that the wife didn't have a CLUE.

Finally, Jimmy and I decided that we had to do something, and we told the husband that he absolutely HAD to tell his wife what was going on. Because the only thing more humiliating than your husband publicly cheating on you is your husband publicly cheating on you and your being the LAST to know. But we felt that we owed him the favor of letting him tell his wife himself. It was certainly the right thing for him to do. We gave him a one week deadline to tell her, or we were going to tell her ourselves.

Did he tell her? No. The chicken shit. But luckily for Jimmy and me, before we were forced to do the telling, another friend told her.

And man, was it ugly. Uber-ugly. Whew. Bloody.

So there's my story. What do y'all think? Would you want to be told? Would you tell?

 

Comments

[Michele]

Libraries sound just like theater companies, incestuous and gossipy. It wouldn't take any time at all before everyone knew but in a library no one would say anything. They are all much too passive aggressive.

Would I tell? I guess it depends. When I was young and stupid I did tell a friend that her brand new (like 2 weeks after the wedding)husband was dinking around. She did not thank me for it. In fact, she didn't speak to me for years. Until, she finally divorced him for having affairs. Then she started speaking to me again. Go figure.

[debbie]

I would want to know. But, having had a slightly similar experience with a friend, it is tough to be the one to tell someone. It is a predicament.

[Lisa]

Been there! Friend saw another friend's husband at Home Depot (of all places) picking out paint for 'their' master bedroom. Husband didn't recognize friend, so she stood close and listened, and was certain they were having an affair. Friend called me to call wife (because I'm closer to her) and I didn't hesitate -- but then, I was once engaged and had to call of my huge fancy wedding two weeks prior because I found out my fiance was fooling around with an old girlfriend -- so I'm a little sensitive to the whole cheating lout thing.

[Sprite's Keeper]

Yes, I want to know. And then I want to know the quickest way of killing him.
Thank goodness John isn't the type, but if he were to cheat on me, it would be worse than any other emotional problem I could face.

[Mama Badger]

I would want to know. And I would tell. I would talk to the husband/wife first (like you guys did) but then I'd tell. You're right, there is nothing worse than being humiliated by someone you love and you think loves you. Public or not, cheating is humiliating to the person being left behind.

[VandyJ]

I'd want to know, but I'd have a hard time telling--I'm very non-confrontational.

[Aimee @ In THIS Life]

I would absolutely want to know...even though I don't know how my self-esteem and confidence would ever recover.

As for the telling, wow. I really don't know.

[Michele Renee]

I have not heard about this movie. What Whoopie said turned my stomach. I think that would be worse than just staying out of it. I think you and Jimmie handled it well.
I guess it all depends on the dynamics of who would tell me. I do understand your thoughts that you wrote about if it were Jimmy.

[Elizabeth]

I would know.

[Keely]

A good friend of mine recently went through this. I feel like I handled it poorly - the information I had was NOT that he was cheating, but it might have led to the discovery of it. After it all came out, I apologized profusely to my friend for not telling her, and she said she wouldn't have been 'ready' to know anyway. But I still feel like an asshole - if our situations were reversed, I would have wanted her to tell me.

[only a movie]

When my ex husband was cheating on me, I knew immediately. I can't imagine not knowing or having to find that out through someone else. Ack.

[The Red C]

I would guess that if a person doesn't know their spouse is cheating before someone rats out the cheater, the marriage is already unsalvageable. Not telling a dear friend would be disloyal; telling an acquaintance, however, would be overstepping. Does the approach change based on whether the friend is a man or a woman?

[Melanie]

I would absolutely want to be told and I would tell. I did tell a friend one time. It damaged our relationship in the short-term but eventually it recovered.

[Jan]

I must be old and cynical, because I'm afraid I agree with Whoopi on this - it is definitely NOT my place to tell someone their spouse or significant other is cheating, I don't care how close a friend they are. Would I speak to the cheater? Probably, and not to tell them to be more circumspect, but to encourage them to either end their marriage/relationship or the affair.

Would I want to know? Yes, but I'd like my spouse or partner to be the one to tell me. In my case, that would be likely anyway because Beloved is a TERRIBLE liar, and couldn't keep a secret to save his life.