Vertigo

Holy Shit. This is one of the weirdest feelings I've ever felt.

About midday yesterday, I started feeling kind of strange. Light-headed. Unfocused. By the end of the day, I was full-on dizzy, and started having trouble walking straight. You know that feeling when you're really, really drunk and when you lie down in the bed you get the spins, like the whole bed is twirling around? That's what I'm feeling ALL the time.

 
I woke up this morning, and it wasn't any better. I got Jude to his school's Ash Wednesday mass, managed to stagger up the aisle and get myself ashed, then drove straight to the doctors. I'm sure that everybody at the church thought that Jude's mom had treated herself to a couple of toddies for breakfast.

The prognosis? Benign Positional Paroxysmal Vertigo or BPPV for short. That's a link to the Wiki page that explains it. But truly? It's pretty boring, so don't bother. Basically, calcium has built up into tiny "ear rocks" that have lodged themselves in tricky parts of my inner ear. The result is that I feel like I've had about 3 martinis, but without the fun.

My very funny, wry doctor gave me her diagnosis, there was a beat of silence.

GRETCHEN

So...what do we do for it?

DR. WATSON

I'm going to perform a maneuver on you.

GRETCHEN

Okay.

DR. WATSON

But it's not going to work.

GRETCHEN

It's not?

DR. WATSON

No.

GRETCHEN

So...why are you going to do it?

DR. WATSON

Because sometimes it works.

GRETCHEN

Okay.

DR. WATSON

But it usually doesn't.

GRETCHEN

Oh.

DR. WATSON

And I'm going to give you a prescription for some medication.

GRETCHEN

Okay. That's good.

DR. WATSON

But it's not going to work.

GRETCHEN

It's not?

DR. WATSON

Mmmm. No.

GRETCHEN

So why are you giving it to me?

DR. WATSON

Well, it might work.

GRETCHEN

So...what can you do to make it go away?

DR. WATSON

You just have to rest and wait it out.

It turns out that nothing really works for BPPV. Dr. W performed the Epley Maneuver on me. She's very smart. It didn't work. She then gave me a prescription for the medicine. I've been taking it dutifully. She's very smart. It didn't work either.

But I just happen to have a source of knowledge about vertigo. My mother-in-law, Mommy. She's been getting it periodically for the past 50 years. I called her and told her my diagnosis.

MOMMY

Did the doctor give you some medicine?

GRETCHEN

Yes.

I give her the name of the medicine.

MOMMY

Oh, that's what I take when I get it!

GRETCHEN

Does it work?

MOMMY

No.

GRETCHEN

No?

MOMMY

Not really.

GRETCHEN

So what do you do to get better?

MOMMY

You just gotta sit there.

So there you have it. Dr. Watson, confirmed by Mommy. You just gotta sit there.

So here I sit. I can't read, because I can't look down. And the book I'm reading it the new Stephen King, "Under the Dome", which weighs about 60 pounds, so I'm unable to hold it straight out in front of me. And I can watch the television. Thank God for TiVo. I love that Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab.

I can use the laptop if I prop it up. But I'm so spacy and out of it, that I don't seem to be able to focus on anything like blog reading. Or comment writing. Or comment answering. So please, no one be offended. I tried to write some comments, but somehow the vertigo has taken away my ability to be funny. I just stare at the little blank comment screen, and have absolutely nothing to contribute. Sad.

But the worst is yet to come. I've been told that I can't lie down flat to sleep, I have to stay propped up at a 45 degree angle. God help me. I think I'm going to make myself a little spot on the sofa. We'll see if I can sleep at all. Maybe if I dope myself with NyQuil and arrange pillows all around me?

And the very worst thing? I just gave up EVERYTHING for lent starting TODAY. So I'm dizzy and deprived. And I can't even drink, because it just makes it worse. Damn.

 

Comments

[Viki]

Even though you probably can't read this, I hope your feeling better soon.

[The Bug]

Boy, that picture is very effective at giving a sense of what you're going through! Hope those little calcium deposits desolve soon (or whatever they do to make you better).

[Jenni]

whoa, how longs does it usually last? hope you're well soon.

[becky]

Oh no! I'm so sorry. I have had tiny bouts of that--like a few minutes here and there--and I can't imagine feeling that way for any length of time. I hope you are staying comfy in your couch nest, and don't even worry about being funny. Being funny is a trap I tell you. A trap!

[Amy]

Oh, no no no. Vertigo is no good at ALL. Ugh. Sending you clear, level, solid thoughts...

[Amy]

you poor thing! i don't know how you managed it, but this post was still very funny! :)

hang in there. i hope it passes soon. (and God will understand if you treat yourself in your time of need.)

[Sprite's Keeper]

I hope it gets better for you soon! If it were me sitting there with the doctor, I would have cracked up after the first "it won't work" admission!

[Jan]

No, no, NO - don't tell me that! I've been dizzy for several days, and I want it to be that I'm just dehydrated, damn it!

I'm sorry, it's Lent. Is it okay to say "damn it" on your blog?

[michele renee]

I hope you are feeling better!
Hope you've been able to just stay at home and wait this out. Could someone drive you to a chiropractor? (couldn't hurt).....

[Sara Beth]

I'm so glad it's a boring diagnosis! And this post was *plenty* funny. Get well!

[Bano]

Oh man! Sorry to hear about the vertigo. How crazy. I suppose there must be an advantage though...let me know when you figure out what it is.

I love Celebrity Rehab too! I watch tons of junk TV. Project Runway is another fave.

Hope sitting it out works. Oh, and I hope you can find a comfortable sleeping position!

Take care of yourself.

[The Lawyer Mom]

Yikes! I hope it goes away soon. Or . . . turns into something you can summon at will. Dirty kitchen? The boys can get it. It's vertigo time.