The Mustard Hole

This is my purse. My New York in-laws would call it a pocketbook, but we Texans say purse.

Cute, right? Condiment colors are very in, I’m told. It has, however, become a bane to me. The dreaded black hole of my daily life. It actually sucks things into it and they are never to be found again. It has of late become an actual physical problem – it’s SO HEAVY that one of my ribs near my left shoulder is out of whack. I have to chomp Advil and lie on the ice pack every night just to get to sleep.

Why haven’t I done something about this you ask? Simply put, I’ve been saving it for Sharon. You see, my friend (and Jude’s Godmother) Sharon, who lives in Texas, and I have a strange but much cherished tradition of cleaning out each others purses. We’re quite devoted to the practice. It’s actually a very revealing and personal thing, kind of confessional, something one would only entrust to a dear friend. And unfortunately, we haven’t been together for a good purse cleaning session in over a year.

And since it looks like it will be a while before we’re able to get to Texas, I am hereby giving in and cleaning it out myself. Since Sharon will no doubt be miffed that I am taking things into my own hands, I will hereby share the contents with her (and, well, all of you)…

One large silver wallet, filled with a deposit I keep forgetting to take to the bank.

One tube of sunscreen.

Two bottles of nail polish.

One checkbook with a cute cover made of sari fabric.

One Lightning McQueen yo-yo.

One Tide ToGo stick – cap missing.

One invitation to a six year old's birthday party.

One pair of sunglasses (mine).

One pair of rose-colored glasses (Jude’s).

One pair of 3-D glasses (Up).

One eyeglass case with my “old lady” glasses inside.

Three packs of Wet Wipes (the boy is a mess, what can I say?).

One box of Tic Tacs (full).

One box of Tic Tacs (empty).

One well-worn pack of tissues.

Two teddy bear legs (don’t ask).

One notepad.

One IPod Nano.

One ear pod to aforementioned Nano.

One pack Dentyne Ice gum. Half used.

Three Tampons.

Nineteen Catholic prayer cards (you can never have enough of these).

One rosary.

One used tissue.

One 10-pack of AA batteries (unopened).

Keys.

One teeny-tiny flashlight.

One Playmobil knight (missing a leg).

One pencil.

Three black Flair pens (I LOVE black Flair pens!).

One bag of Halls cough drops (half used – the last cough I had was in January).

One Happy Meal toy (in bag).

Three rather disgusting (though unused) Carefree Thong Pantiliners (gray with purse dirt).

I am inspired to insert a story here. Many years ago, my Cousin Keith (who is a woman – it’s a Southern thing), her mother, my Aunt Mary Frances, and Keith’s daughter, Shelly, were out in Los Angeles visiting from Texas. Sweet AMF (as I called her) treated us to dinner in a rather fancy and delicious restaurant. As we were leaving, I was rooting around in my purse trying to locate the ticket for the valet parker guy, and out flew a fuzzy little gray object with a long tail. It landed on the ground in the middle of the restaurant lobby and we all clustered around it to check it out. “Is it a little mouse?” asked Shelly. No. It was an ancient tampon which had come out of it’s wrapper and turned gray and furry with purse lint. We all started laughing so hard we almost peed outselves. Just couldn’t stop. Snorting with laughter. Sobbing with laughter. But I digress…

Five old grocery lists.

One cell phone inside it’s rather cute Chinese bag.

Eleven receipts.

Five more old grocery lists that have blog ideas written on the back.

Twenty-two pennies.

One well-worn Ziploc of coupons – 16 expired.

Twelve lipsticks/glosses (Sharon will kill me for this – we always argue about my excessive lipstick hording).

Two Hot Wheels race cars.

One cherry Tootsie Pop.

One small pile of purse lint/trash.

Oh look...the cap to the Tide ToGo Stick.

There. I feel much better. I hope my rib/shoulder will feel much better too.

I hearby challenge all of you out in the blog world to do a similar purging. Don't forget to share. I think I’ll go try to figure out which of those lip glosses I need to keep in my purse. I really use them all…you never know what mood might strike me…they’re all so cute…it’s only twelve…

Comments

[Tater Mama]

That is impressive. I'm still lugging around a diaper bag. I love the reasons I still carry it, but the first thing I'm buying when Small Fry is potty trained will not be little boy underwear. I am splurging on a purse. A big, honkin', impractical but completely "in" purse that does NOT have 12 pockets inside. :)

[Becky]

Yowza! That is a lot of stuff in that there purse. I am still chortling over the tampon incident. Hilarious! Things in my purse turn that gray color too. I don't know how there's dirt in there, but there is.

[Danabug]

I just spent what (for me) was a crazy amount of money for a Miche bag - so I don't have room anymore for all of that stuff. But back in the day... And I don't have kids, so I'm not sure how I ended up with all that stuff - & usually I would have a paperback in there too!

[jessica Bern]

Jimmy Hoffa. That's what in my purse

[Fiddledeedee]

Dear Lord, woman. That is not a purse, that is luggage.

A few months ago at church, I pulled a tampon out of my purse during the offering.

Not sure how a tampon could help further the Lord's work, but...

And I did this whole spill your purse thing for my blog a couple of years ago. I was so horrified by my packrattedness, I've kept a clean purse since.

Except for a stray tampon or two.

[Chelsea]

I know i'm three years late, but...

If you (or any of the commenters) ever take up using non-applicator tampons then I would 100% suggest cutting your old tic tac container along the rims where the lid meets the container, taking the lid off and putting three tampons in it. You can use the pully thing to pull the whole lid off easy as can be. Best idea i've ever came up with - haven't had a flying tampon incident since! :)

(if you really want you could paint some nail polish onto the outside of it too)