I am better. I am not fully well, but at least I'm up and around. Thank you all for your well-wishes. Because I am weird, I located on the internet THIS WEBSITE where you can go and click the "Hear a typical TB cough" link and you will hear just what my cough sounds like. Though I do not have tuberculosis. It's very pleasant. That was sarcasm.
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During my lengthy confinement, I went crazy on Netflix and have to share TWO fabulous finds with you!
1. Top of the Lake
Damned good.
I LOVED this show. It's an amazing 7-hour mini series which takes place in New Zealand, and is directed by the great Jane Campion. Top notch acting and writing too. It stars Elisabeth Moss from MadMen, who does a flawed but pretty decent Aussie accent. It's a beautifully-shot whodunit, that kept me hooked until the very end. Holly Hunter is almost unrecognizable as a wise-but-weird androgynous guru woman...
Cool.
But the real star of the show is New Zealand. Which comes across as both shockingly beautiful, and frighteningly rough. Y'all MUST Netflix it.
2. The Fall
Another stylish whodunit starring an American actress doing an accent. This time it's Gillian Anderson, doing a posh London accent, which is also flawed but pretty decent. Another strong female character, another good mystery. I highly recommend it also.
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My friend Amanda was saying something on Facebook about an Hermes Birkin handbag, so I started poking around on the internet to see just how much one of these goes for nowadays. Apparently, they are available for between $9000 and $150,000. For a purse. This one is available HERE for $65,000. (I put in the link just in case you're in the market)...
It's a $65,000 purple purse.
Now, my immediate thought was "What kind of person could possibly justify purchasing a handbag for $15,000 more than the median American household income?" I mean, how could you live with yourself? People are starving. Homeless. It's a purse!
But then I got to thinking...maybe I've just been living too close to the poverty level for too long. Maybe, I have simply never experienced a $65,000 handbag. That might be the most amazing handbag imaginable. That handbag might make its owner an ecstatically happy person. It might be something beyond imagining. I mean, I can see spending a couple of grand on a handbag. If I had the cash, I'd drop $2000 on a bag easy. So just imagine how much better a $65,000 bag might be.
What do y'all think?
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Unfortunately...
That's it!!
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Our little dog, Fancy, stinks. It's not her fault, she needs to go to the groomer. But since I've been in bed for a week, and Fancy wants to be in the bed with me, the stinking has become an issue. As in, she's been banned from the bed. Which makes her sad. So yesterday, Jude and I went to the Petco and purchased her a new shampoo and...I love this...cologne. Yes, her very own doggie cologne...
It's very pleasant.
So we gave her a shampoo and blow dry and spritzed her with her cologne, and now she's fabulous! And back in the bed!
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That is the randomness for today! Go see Stacy and the others!
I hardly consider myself to be a great mind, nor do I believe that I am endowed with tremendous wisdom. But I do feel that in my half a century on this earth, I have learned a thing or two about life. And so, to any and all young folks out there who are about to embark on their lives, I have the following words of advice...
Go ahead, follow your bliss. But make sure you have a degree and a backup plan. Because bliss almost never pays the mortgage.
Whatever you presently expect your life to be, it won't be that. Life will deal you cards that you never expected, and you will have to play the hand that you are dealt. If you're lucky, you'll get a full house, but you may also draw a pair deuces, and have to learn to play the hand you get. The good news is that you'll also probably draw a Joker or two, and they can be kind of fun, and if you're clever enough, you can bluff your way through quite a bit. I have hereby carried this silly analogy as far as I can.
Have fun. It's okay to do a few stupid things. Be a little reckless while you are young. Because if you don't, you'll live your later years filled with questioning and regrets. But be careful while you're doing stupid things to always maintain your integrity, and don't do anything that hurts someone else.
Avoid all mistakes/decisions which will stay with you for the rest of
your life - tattoos, peculiar piercings, venereal diseases, unwanted
pregnancies. But if you do make any poor choices, and who doesn't, accept
responsibility with as much grace as you can muster.
Often, young people give up their sense of self in an attempt to please parents and friends. Then, later in life, they go too far the other way, trying to regain their power, and end up becoming self-righteous and selfish. Work to find this balance, and try to focus on the greater good. Remember that doing something for the greater good doesn't make you weak. I think it can actually be the stronger path.
When choosing a profession in which to enter, look up one of those earnings scales for the profession where they list expected earnings by profession by state. But don't look at the top salaries. It's unlikely that you'll achieve that for a very long time, if ever. Look at the base salary and the median salary. If you think you can live comfortably on that, go for it. Otherwise, formulate another plan.
At this point in your life, you may want to be the cool one and the sexy one and the popular one, but ultimately, being the kind one will serve you best.
You must treat love as an action verb. It's not something into which you fall. Because if you've simply fallen into something, you can climb out of it. In order for any loving relationship to stand the test of time, you must choose to love, and actively work at it.
So there you have it, the wealth of my experience. I wish someone had said some of these things to me when I was heading out into the world. Or maybe...they did. Because I don't remember one word of my Commencement Speech.
And to be completely truthful, I probably would have ignored the advice anyway. I guess all young people have to make their own mistakes before they start to know a few things.
Aaaaaaaaaah! Summer is finally here! Time to relax, kick-back, take a load off. I'm planning on sleeping in every morning for at least a week.
What do you do to relax? Are you a hot tub/candles/wine kind of person? Or do you relax by exercising? Do you like to leave town? Spa it? Or maybe just curl up in bed with a good book and ignore the children.
Write your spin on "Relax". Post it. Let me know. I'll link it.
Come back next week for my spin on Relax, and to find out next week's Spin topic!
Share your spin! Highlight the code. Copy to your HTML. Et voila! Linked!
I had the LAZIEST Mother's Day. Jimmy and Jude allowed me to just dilly-dally in bed all afternoon - I watched tv, I played computer games, I read, I ate food that I didn't have to make off a breakfast tray. It was heavenly. I realize that most mothers want a nice brunch or dinner or something, but I was just too exhausted. I really needed the day to rest and recuperate. I hope all of you mothers out there had a beautiful day, and that you got treated with exactly what YOU needed.
Oh, and in honor of Mother's Day, here are some glamorous pictures of my two mothers...
Mama!
Mommy!
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I have been loving the latest season of Game of Thrones. The other day I found this article 16 Games of Thrones Characters Who Are Giving You Major Deja Vu. You know, I watch a ton of British tv, and I always see the same actors over and over, but some of these blew me away. I mean, I knew that the women who plays Margaery Tyrell also played Anne Boleyn on The Tudors, and the actress who plays Osha was Tonks in the Harry Potter movies...
and Ser Jerah was the dastardly Sir Richard on Downton Abbey...
But I was totally blown away to realize that Littlefinger is the same actor who played Tommy Carcetti on The Wire!
Oh my God!
...I mean, I've been obsessively watching Game of Thrones and The Wire concurrently, and it never occurred to me ever! A testament to Aidan Gillen's abilities as an actor.
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I personally would like to add "Please stop posting glamorous pictures of yourself and exaggerating your mediocre acting career." I realize that this doesn't resonate for most of you.
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Jude and I finally went and saw 42, the movie about Jackie Robinson, and we both enjoyed it very much. He wasn't so sure if he wanted to see it, as he has decided that he isn't into baseball anymore now that he has discovered the joys of track and swimming, but I suspected that it would appeal to him and his innate sense of social justice, and I was right. He's been talking about it ever since. Yes, it is a little overly earnest, and sentimental, but it's really well-acted and extremely moving. I highly recommend that you all take your kids to see it. It's a great story of heroism and strength. Be warned that the language is a little rough, and there is repeated use of the n-word (at one point, Jude actually covered his ears because of it), but it certainly was historically accurate, and the word is never used casually - the hatred behind it is very impactful. And there's a little sexy stuff, but it's all sweet married people who love each other sexy stuff, so I was fine with it. Go see it!
Chadwick Boseman, who played Robinson also happens to be super cute. Just saying.
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I stole this off a friend's Facebook page, and I'm fairly sorry for it - I don't know this woman, and she's probably horrified that a picture of her has gone viral - but really?
This is in a McDonald's. So wrong. On so many levels.
He has been watching every stinking minute of that stupid Jodi Arias trial. He's obsessed. He gets this way sometimes. He did the same thing with the Casey Anthony trial - he watched every day, recording what he had to miss and then watching it at night. It's insane.
And it's airing on this weird "news" station called HLN (for Headline News) which is sort of tabloid tv, it's like reading the New York Post. They are not only airing every minute of this disgusting trial, but then they're all rehashing and "analyzing" it. And their "newscasters" are totally showbizzy and sensational, "bubble-headed bleach blondes" as Don Henley sang. People like Nancy Grace, who I actually have to turn off every time she comes on I find her so offensive.
For those of you with more sense than my husband, and are unfamiliar with Jodi Arias, she is on trial in Arizona, accused with killing her boyfriend, Travis Alexander, back in June
2008 with 27 stab wounds, a slit throat and a bullet to the head. She
initially denied killing Alexander, but claimed two years later that she
killed him in self defense.
The trial has been trashy as trashy can be, with Arias' and Alexander's sex life discussed in intimate and graphic detail. And there's much talking amongst the well-coiffed talking heads about whether or not Jodi is a sex maniac. Or maybe a sociopath or at the least a borderline personality. But the defense says that she was a victim of abuse, and was driven to kill her boyfriend to end her torture. By stabbing him 27 times, slitting his throat and shooting him in the head.
Jodi, looking very prim and proper at her trial
I just don't understand why Jimmy finds this all so fascinating. He claims it's a great "character-study", an acting thing. Which I'd grant him, but he also chides me for not watching it with him, because since I come from a family of lawyers, I should be paying attention to such an "important case". Sorry Jimmy, Brown vs. the Board of Education = important legal case. Jodi Arias = not so much.
Maybe it's because I'm from a family of lawyers that I find the whole thing so distasteful. It's the worst of the legal system. All sensationalism.
Luckily, the trial is almost over. According to the HLN website, Jimmy is in for a "fateful week ahead: Arias trial nears dramatic end." "Jodi Arias is days away from learning her fate, and HLN will bring you every second of the dramatic conclusion of her trial."
I guess when it's finally done, Jimmy will have to find some other important legal cases to watch. Maybe Judge Judy.
This week I just haven't been able to turn the tv off. It's been a constant bombardment of insanity - little children blown apart, people losing their legs, a massive manhunt, a small town in Texas blown apart by an explosion, a crazed Elvis impersonator who sent risin-laced letters to the president, North Korea wants to nuke us.
It's just all so sad and tragic and violent. I don't like it.
The other day, President Obama gave a particularly eloquent and moving speech at the memorial service for the victims of the Boston bombing, and the CNN newscaster made a comment that he felt that it was sad that Obama was getting so good at these speeches, because he's been forced to give so many lately. He went on to say that he feared that we Americans have become desensitized to tragedy because our world has become more and more violent.
Is this true? Is the world going to hell in a handbasket, as my mother would have said? Is our world a worse place than it used to be?
I don't think it is. Maybe I'm a Pollyanna, but I just don't feel that we have become more angry or violent as a culture. Surely, the availability of assault weapons and the fact that any whackadoo can find out how to make a bomb with a few clicks on the internet has made mass destruction easier. I mean, a disgruntled sociopath with a knife could take out a handful of people, while the same idiot with an assault rifle or a homemade bomb can kill or maim hundreds.
But if we look at violence from a historic point of view, our culture today is much more pacifistic. War used to be considered a necessary evil. Now it's viewed by our society at large in a much more negative way. John and Yoko's "Give peace a chance." and "War is over if you want it." slogans seemed simplistic and naive in the '60's, but I think they actually worked at making peace and pacifism cool. And murder rates in America are half what they were in 1970. It's better now.
When I was a child, hitting your kid was normal. Everybody got spanked. Not beaten, but spanked. Nowadays? We have learned how damaging it can be, and it has become absolutely verboten. Back then, every school had a bully, it was just the way it was. Now, almost every school has a zero tolerance rule for fighting and bullying. And though I believe that the word "bullying" is thrown around too much, fostering kindness and acceptance can do nothing but benefit society. It's better now.
I complain about too much political correctness, I think people are far too easily offended for increasingly ridiculous reasons. But the whole political correctness movement has drastically changed the way our society, especially our children, view the way people should be treated, and view prejudice and racism. It's better now.
Today, when a child dies, like little Martin Richard, we are, as a nation, so shocked and heartbroken. We're not used to children dying, it's just so wrong. But back when my grandparents lived, the death of a child was a common occurrence. Most families had lost a child. It was normal. Now, infant mortality has dropped 90% since 1940.
Things are better.
So why do we have the perception that everything is so much worse? I have one word - media.
I'm not usually much of a news junkie. Unlike Jimmy, who has it on all
the time, watching the same stories over and over and letting himself
get all worked up. I get those CNN alert messages on my phone, and if
something sounds important enough, I'll turn on the tv to check it out,
but for the most part I just get my news from the internet.
Jimmy will get mad at me sometimes, when some kind of tragedy is going
on and I'll turn the news off. "This is
important!" he'll say, "you should be watching this!" But they won't be
actually broadcasting any NEWS, it will be the same hype over and over,
the same hyperbole, the same meaningless interviews, desperately trying to fill their
24-hour "news" cycle. Mean-spirited talking heads and "experts" psychoanalyzing and
guessing and inventing, interviews with some suspect's ex-husband's
brother's cousin or some such thing. And it scares people to death.
Okay, I'll get off my high-horse. I am now going to go turn the news off. I invite you to do the same.
An old friend of mine from high school keeps posting things on Facebook about her son's recent participation in the Quidditch World Cup VI, which just wrapped up in Kissimmee, Florida.
Yes, you read that right, Quidditch. Like Harry Potter and flying brooms and the golden snitch and all that. I, too, found this a bit peculiar, and had to look into it.
Turns out, it is for real, people! There were 80 teams from universities around the world!
According to the website for the Quidditch World Cup, "Players will collide in full-force tackles, bludgers will leave stinging
blows that knock athletes off their feet, quaffles will whistle through
the goal hoops, while seekers hunt the snitch runner. Thousands of
spectators will look on, watching one of the most exciting sports ever
invented unfold before them."
Apparently, "Quidditch is a co-ed, full-contact sport that combines elements of
rugby, dodgeball, and Olympic handball, with four balls (plus a human
snitch) and seven players per team vying for control of an elliptical
pitch."
Just like they play at Hogwarts. Except, of course, they don't actually...fly.
My friend's son plays for USC, and though they did well, they didn't make it to the final, which was between UCLA and my alma mater, The University of Texas, who were the big winners. Go Longhorns!
I guess.
What do y'all think about this? The super cynical side of me just rolls my eyes and gasps "Oh good Lord, really?" But the other, super-geeky side of me says "Woohoo! Quidditch! Where do I sign up?!"
Even though the website says that Fox News (who apparently covered the event - not sure what to make of that) describes it as "a cross between the Superbowl and a medieval festival", these kids seem to be taking this silliness pretty damned seriously.
And I guess the game's tons of fun, with lots of action, but really? They are pretending. To. Be. Riding. Brooms! They are grown-up people!
And I keep wondering what JK Rowling must think about it. Is it an exciting thrill for her? Having INVENTED a sport in which people are actually competing in a World Cup? Or does she just shake her head in disbelief and think "It's FICTION, people!"
Oh hello there! Yes, I DID have a happy birthday, thank you very much for asking. It was a lovely, lazy day. Jimmy made me breakfast in bed...
He needs a little work on his plating technique, but it was tasty. And yes, I broke the old "never eat anything bigger than your head" rule.
...then he set up a spot for me in the living room - complete with roses and a fire in the fireplace. Jimmy does good birthday.
View from my spot.
What did I do in my little spot? Well, as I may have mentioned before (mmm...possibly a number of times), I have given up my video games for Lent. HOWEVER, as every good little Catholic child who was unfortunate enough to be born during the Lenten season knows, it is absolutely fine and dandy for you cheat on your vow on your birthday. That's what my Mama taught me anyway. I'm not sure if this is actually written somewhere in Catholic dogma, but I choose to believe it is correct. So...I played me some games. Hehe.
In order to share my day more efficient, I have created for you a pie chart, a la Becky...
How I spent my birthday...
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How was everybody's St. Patrick's day? I made the best damned Corned Beef and Cabbage that I have ever made. It was like butter, I tell you, like BUTTER. I just mixed up a bunch of recipes I found on the internet and I am gonna tell you the recipe because I'm afraid that if I don't write it down here, I won't remember it next year! Also, I'm pretty sure that one reason it was so tasty was because of that homemade Sweet & Hot Honey Mustard I made for Christmas gifts. So check that out too. And then stow this recipe away for next St. Paddy's.
Corned Beef and Cabbage
2 - 2 1/2 lbs. corned beef
little packet that comes in the corned beef package
1 large onion, sliced into wedges
10 cups water (I was gonna pour in a bottle of beer, but decided tlo drink it instead)
10 baby potatoes (halved)
3 carrots (peeled and cut into 1 inch pieces)
1 small cabbage, sliced into thick wedges
Remove the corned beef from it's wrapping, and rinse it well in a colander. Place in a large Dutch oven with a lid. Arrange onions around the beef, then sprinkle the top with the package of seasoning. Pour water all around it. Cover, place on top of the stove and bring to a boil. Lower heat and simmer for 2 1/2 hours.
Remove lid and add the potatoes and carrots. Simmer for 15 minutes more, then add cabbage and simmer for yet another 15 minutes.
Slice across the grain, and serve with au jus and vegies plus some of that good mustard.
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Jude and I went and saw Oz the Great and Powerful the other day.
I was pretty disappointed. I don't know what I expected. I mean it wasn't as bad as the dreaded Space Chimps (the thought of which still makes all the muscles in my neck convulse) but I wasn't impressed. I mean, the special effects were pretty outrageous, but seriously, I am SO BLOODY TIRED OF 3D!! It just gives me a stinking headache! Hate it! James Franco was horribly miscast. He's very cute and charming and all that, but he just couldn't wrap his mouth around the dialogue. It was sort of embarrassing. And Mila Kunis was so terrible it was startling. At one point I actually said OUT LOUD "She's just horrible!" and people turned around and looked at me and nodded. Michelle Williams and Rachel Weisz were pretty good though, they both had the chops to pull off the style of the piece. But it all just seemed like a kind of sacrilege. They should have just left The Wizard of Oz alone.
Have any of you found a decent replacement for Google Reader? Do y'all even use Google Reader?
For those of you who have no idea what the hell I'm talking about:
Google Reader is a "news reading platform". Which basically means it's a place where you can bookmark all of your favorite blogs and websites. Then they'll keep track of what is read and what is unread and who has posted something new. It's very convenient if you're someone who keeps up with a bunch of blogs.
Which I'm not. I'm supposed to be, since I'm...a blogger. But as all of you who are my fellow bloggers know, I am terrible at keeping up. I'll go through little spurts when I'm super on top of things - reading and commenting like crazy. But then I get distracted (and lazy) and suddenly, I'll go to my Google Reader and they'll say I have 240 unread posts so I just kind of freak out and start hitting "Mark all as Read" and give up.
But since (as many of you already know because of all my whining) I have given up games for Lent, I suddenly have much more time for things such as reading, and I've been trying to be better. Not much better, but a little better.
So the other day, I went to my Google Reader and they say that it's closing on July 1! I don't know why.
I started poking around on the web, and found some alternate sites that I thought I'd try, but I swear, I've never had more trouble doing anything on the computer. This was harder than when I built my little Spin Cycle button thingy, and that just about killed me. This is not a user-friendly deal, y'all!
First, I tried a place called Feedly, which seemed promising because it was so pretty. Much more attractive than Google Reader - sort of looks like you're reading a magazine. At first I thought "fabulous!" because they allowed me to sync my Google Reader subscriptions and "follows" really easily. But then things got wonky. I can't figure out how to add a new website. Yes, I click "Add Website" and a little thingy pops up, but they only let me add their "suggested" websites. And I can't figure out how to edit and delete sites - I can with some, not with others. And for some reason, it lists the blogs I'm following twice - the same blogs twice, like I accidentally duplicated them, but I didn't. I swear. So this is all very frustrating.
Second, I tried The Old Reader, which is billed as being just like what Google Reader used to be, before they "upgraded" it. So I thought it would be easier. Yeah, right. After about an hour, I managed to import my Google Reader contents, via something called an OPML file. Don't ask. I don't even know how I did it, I just kept pushing buttons until something worked. But then...The Old Reader says, "Thank you for uploading your OPML file. We will soon start
importing your subscriptions, which might take up to several hours
depending on the amount of feeds you have. There are 27177 users in the import queue ahead of you."
Yes, that is right, 27177 users in front of me! It has said this for over 24 hours now. Apparently, everybody is bailing on Google Reader at the same time, and The Old Reader folks weren't prepared for all the traffic. This morning they posted something on the site apologizing, and assuring us that they "were able to ramp up the queue processing speed, so it should move along much faster now." Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
Then I decided to try NewsBlur (and yes, I am going down a list of "5 Best Google Reader Alternatives"), but after I signed up, they told me that "Due to overwhelming demand, free accounts are temporarily suspended." and then they suggested I go "premium" for $24 a month. %&#$@!
So I've temporarily given up. Does anybody have any ideas?
Oh look, it's now been several hours since I wrote the above, and The Old Reader says I now only have 27014 users in the import queue ahead of me. Woohoo!!! (That was sarcasm)
Oh, by the way...it's my birthday. I realize that by now, most of you have stopped reading this long and boring rant about technical nonsense, so you probably won't read this. How old am I? 143. And I think I'm looking good for my age.
Oscar Host Seth MacFarlane. That's all anybody's talking about. The NPR website asked the question - "Seth MacFarlane - Crude or Classy? Delightful or a Dolt?" To which I say...yes. All of the above. Honestly? I thought he was fine. He was by no means my favorite, but he didn't completely suck. He did some really funny stuff. He did some pleasant song and dance numbers, which I'm a sucker for. And yes, he was crude and tasteless, but we knew he would be, I mean he's the Family Guy guy! He was supposed to be offensive and politically incorrect! I admit that I laughed at the "We Saw Your Boobs" song, which some ladies on the internets seemed to deem offensive, to which I roll my eyes, and say "Get a sense of humor, sister." The joke was that he was deliberately doing the most offensive thing he could think of! And honestly, we had seen their boobs, so I think they're fair game. And throwing in the Gay Men's Chorus of LA was hysterical. I'd say my only real issue with his performance as host was that he needed an editor. Most of his bits started out funny, then went on toooooooooo long. I'm afraid that in the end I was left with the feeling that the whole evening had just been a little tacky.
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And speaking of being a little tacky...
"We saw your boobs." Auf Wiedersehen, Heidi.
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DISCLAIMER: I love big, cheesy production numbers.
I just ate up all of the "Salute to Oscar Music" stuff. Catherine Zeta-Jones rocked singing "All That Jazz" from Chicago (even though I'm pretty sure she was lip-syncing), Jennifer Hudson blew the roof off with "And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going" from Dreamgirls (even though she's lost so much weight, she pretty much can't play that part anymore) and I cried for a full 10 minutes after the Les Miz cast performed their "One Day More" medley...
Oh there I go, crying again.
Anyway, on top of all of the big numbers, we also got Streisand! Singing "The Way We Were"! And Adele singing that "Skyfall" song (not the greatest Best Song winner, but Adele's the coolest, so who cares).
But hands down, the best performance of the night goes to Dame Shirley Bassey, singing "Goldfinger" in the 50 Years of Bond tribute (apologies for this dreadful video that someone recorded with their calculator or something)...
76 years FABULOUS!!
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Hollywood Disaster Waiting To Happen #1 - Kristen Stewart
Okay, I know that she had cut her foot, and was hobbling around on crutches, but seriously, couldn't she have at least washed her hair? And I also know how hard it must be to wear an evening gown and keep it in place when you're hobbling around on crutches, but Kristen just didn't seem to give a flying f&$%. If it had happened to me, I'd have talked Channing Tatum into carrying me on stage and putting me down. I guess it's her "thing" to be all "I hate Hollywood fame and fortune", so I ask "Why did you go to the stinking Academy Awards at all?" It would have been cooler if she'd just said she had a gig playing clarinet at Michael's Pub, and couldn't attend. And she kept fiddling with her horrible hair - everything about her just makes me want to know where the hell her mother is.
May have smoked some pot that James Franco left backstage a couple of years ago.
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And speaking of Channing Tatum...I know he's real purty and everything, but seriously...dumb as a stump, right? He presented with Jennifer Aniston, and the poor guy could just barely string words together into sentences. He kind of just grunted. Imagine if he and Kristen Stewart did a movie together?! Though I was impressed by his dancing.
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Hollywood Disaster Waiting To Happen #2 - Renee Zellweger
What the hell has she done to herself? She's gonna end up like Melanie Griffith or Meg Ryan if she doesn't lay off the botox NOW. Though, her dress and body were gorgeous...
Only expression of the night.
And when she came out with the cast of Chicago to present, she truly seemed wasted. Either she'd downed a few martinis, or one too many Xanax. She was actually teetering, and bumping into people, and kept staring strangely at Richard Gere. It was weird.
Since I can't find the video from last night, I can't resist Tracey Ullman...
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Hollywood Disaster Waiting To Happen #3 - Quvenzhané Wallis
PLEASE don't let this happen! First, I want to say that she was apparently amazing in Beasts of the Southern Wild, and she was absolutely precious on the red carpet with her beautiful little Armani dress and sweet little puppy purse...
Perfectly sweet. And I want that puppy purse!
But 9-years old is too damned young to be nominated for an Oscar! If she doesn't have some seriously down-to-earth, protective handlers, she's going to get screwed up fast. The bull that swirls around people when they reach that level of fame will screw up a grownup, I can't imagine how it would effect a little girl. I know I should qualify this by saying that I have serious issues with allowing children to be actors at all, so maybe I'm biased. But all that hand-pumping and posing she was doing really worries me. Let her be a little girl before she turns into Tatum O'Neill or Lindsey Lohan!
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I love her, I respect her, I want to be her best friend. But I don't get why Michelle Obama presented the Oscar for Best Picture. I understand and love the idea of her wanting to come on the show to support and promote education in the arts. But when Nicholson introduced her, I just kept going "Huh? She's not in the movies." Maybe they should have had her come on earlier and say a few words and maybe present one of the lesser awards?
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What was the deal with the middle-aged guys with Gandalf hair?!
Claudio Miranda - cinematographer for "Life of Pi".
Paul N. K. Ottosson - sound editor "Zero Dark Thirty".
Per Hallberg - sound editor for "Skyfall".
Three words - Locks of Love.
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Okay, that's enough of my general whining. Let's whine about clothes!
All of the Jennifers did well...
Jennifer Lawrence. Gorgeous in Dior. Beautiful dress, beautiful jewels,beautiful hair, beautiful makeup.
Even when she tripped getting her Oscar, she fell like a Fairy Princess losing her slipper.
Jennifer Hudson - Simple and elegant. And showing off her hot new Weight Watchers bod.
Jennifer Garner. Nice pop of color. Love the fantail thing. Even though in his "Argo" acceptance speech, Ben went on about what hard work marriage was.
Octavia Spencer. Flawless yet again. SO knows how to dress herself.
Please, PLEASE, somebody get Melissa McCarthy the number of Octavia Spencer's stylist! Just horrible from head to toe. The color? Oh my goodness.
Something about Catherine Zeta-Jones' look bothers me. I've been looking and looking, and had a hard time deciding what. The dress does look a little...cheap. But then I decided...
...that the problem is a coloring/makeup issue. She's completely monochromatic. There's no color anywhere on her body. She needs some lipstick and blush, please!
Amy Adams = Cinderella lovely.
I love, LOVE the idea that Helen Hunt wore a dress from H &M to the Oscars, in support of their sustainable materials. But unfortunately, I just wanted to chase after those wrinkles with a steamer!
Meryl's Lanvin gown was gorgeous, but her hairdo looks like she's still playing Margaret Thatcher!
Jessica Chastain - kind of perfect. Notice that she has the lip color that Catherine Z-J missed.
Anne Hathaway was lovely and radiant as always, but unfortunately...upstaged by her own nipples.
Helena Bonham Carter. Better than her last 5 or 6 awards shows. Which isn't saying much.
That is it for my annual Oscars recap. Go see Stacy for more random thoughts!
It's award season once again! Which means it's time once again for me to bitch and criticize the behavior and choices of the beautiful people of Hollywood with careers which are much more successful than mine.
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Best hosts ever -
I LOVE, LOVED Tina Fey and Amy Poehler! I want to be them when I grow up. I think they should host everything from now on! Forget about Billy Crystal and Ricky Gervais, these ladies rocked! Smart, funny, edgy. Unfortunately, they were sort of absent for the second half of the show. I'd have much rather seen more of their banter than some of the more lamo presenters (Jessica Alba - I mean, she's real purty and all, but what the hell has she done in the last 5 years - Fantastic Four 3? Spy Kids VI?) Here's their opening sequence, in case you missed it. I apologize for the dreadful quality of this video - I think they recorded it with their coffee maker or something...
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Funniest speech of the evening -
Retiring Hollywood Foreign Press Association President, Dr. Aida Takla O'Reilly. Yes, it's true. I must admit that I wasn't really listening to the beginning of her speech, because, well, she was the retiring Hollywood Foreign Press Association President, and also because I was so distracted by the fact that she has had so many face lifts that her ears seemed to be growing out of the back of her neck, but then I caught something and said "Huh?" and had to rewind it and watch it again. Hysterical. I'm guessing she figured she was retiring, and had her ears growing out of the back of her neck and so she could say whatever the hell she felt like. She made fun of everybody and then ended it by hitting on Bradley Cooper. You go girl!
"Call me maybe."
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Second funniest speech of the night -
Adele, winning for Best Original Song in a Motion Picture. She was so refreshingly not "Hollywood" - just a London girl all dressed up for a "Mum's night out with my friend Ida". Don't you think Adele would like to be my mate? We could grab a pint at the pub and eat some chips and crisps. I'm gonna work on this.
"We've been pissing ourselves laughing all night."
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People I most desperately wish had won in their categories -
Darcy St. Fudge and Damian Francisco. Just to make sure people were paying attention, silly Tina and Amy sneaked in as nominees from a fictional tv miniseries called Dog President...
As the psychic who solves her own murder - Darcy St. Fudge
As a professional volleyball player battling Restless Leg Syndrome - Damian Francisco
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Best presenter: Funny -
Kristen Wiig and Will Farrell were hoots. Seriously, they should only allow people who have at some time been SNL cast members hand out awards. Would make for a much better evening.
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Best presenter: Not funny -
Bill Clinton surprised everybody by showing up to introduce the clip from Lincoln. I'm thinking he knows a thing or two about getting a controversial bill passed by a divided congress!
Probably spent a few nights in the Lincoln bedroom.
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Most confusing speech of the evening -
I am still fairly befuddled by Jodie Foster's strange, rambling Life Achievement Award acceptance speech. I feel that I should first say that I've never particularly cared for Jodie Foster. With the exception of The Accused, her acting always leaves me cold. But I must say that after this weird speech, I kind of like her more. She started out by making a reference to a 12 year old SNL skit about being 50, the same old SNL skit that I referenced on my 50th. Then she went on to kind of almost maybe sort of "come out", even though I'm pretty sure that we've all known she's a lesbian for the last 20 years. Then, after rambling on about rather personal things, she made a statement about how important privacy was. Then she talked about her mother and made me cry. And her arms look fab. And I like her hair. It was all very confusing.
Looking good, Jodie. Even if you are a freakshow.
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People who need to take a chill pill and get a sense of humor -
Tommy Lee Jones.
Didn't get the joke. Ever.
Mel Gibson.
Looked like his mugshot all night.
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Most embarrassing presenter moment -
Catherine Zeta-Jones decided that she needed to sing a little bit for us when she presented a clip of Les Miserables. I guess she figured...it's a musical, and...she was in a musical. Yeah, I didn't get it either.
Just stick to the teleprompter, Catherine.
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Best facial hair -
Bill Murray
Impressive
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And now on to the fashion!
My personal best dressed choices -
Claire Danes
Had a baby about a month ago. I hate her.
Anne Hathaway
Tres chic
Jennifer Lawrence
Most people hated the pointy boobage, but I love the shape and the color. And the hair.
Katharine McPhee
Kind of scary, but good.
Naomi Watts
Look, it's my new favorite color, maroon!
Lucy Liu
Yes, everybody else hated this dress. I think it's fun. And it has pockets!
And...the bad -
Lena Dunham
It's a proportion thing, right? It's just...off.
Eva Longoria
Too complicated.
Jessica Chastain
Great color, but made her boobs look strangely saggy. And her hair is freaking me out.
Kaley Cuoco
Okay, put your hand over her head. Kind of a sexy/demure thing, right? Then put your hand over the dress. Goth/Morticia Addams, right? Stylist needed to pull her head and body together.
Halle Berry -
Many people have criticized this overly complicated dress - the pattern, the many cutaways. But my issue? It looks like she only has a right boob.
Am I right? Looks like she's had a mastectomy.
I hereby give the Christina Hendricks Award to Jennifer Lopez -
This year's woman with whom I'd most like to have a lesbian affair.
And just because she never fails to disappoint -
Helena Bonham Carter
One day, she's going to show up at one of these awards shows looking gorgeous and tasteful, and shock us all!
Okay, that's it for my ranting. Go see Stacy for more randomness.
