Second Blooming

RTT: The Christmas Recap

Oh hello there.

You thought I'd forgotten about you, didn't you? But no, I have just been in a seafood induced stupor, which I am just barely coming out of. Ergh. I just ended a sentence with a preposition, but I'm just too damned worn out to try to fix it.

The Feast of the Seven Fishes was a success. Much booze, much fun, much children excited for Santa, much good friends and much fishes.

Here is the menu, which I promised you last week, and am just now getting around to sharing...

Cocktails-

Lemon Martinis/Martinis/Wine/Good beer

Appetizers-

Fish #1- Salmon Tartar

Fish #2 - Mussels & Basil Bread Crumbs

Salad Course-

Octopus Salad (what Mommy calls the Pulpu)

Scallops with Basil Stuffing on a Bed of Greens with Lemon Vinaigrette

Primi-

Linguine Frutti di Mare (Linguini with Seafood Sauce)

Secondi -

Baccala Alla Vesuviana (Salt Cod With Tomatoes and Capers)

Roasted Shrimp with Feta

Dessert-

Tiramisu

Whew. I really have to say, it all turned out very well. I'm afraid that the roasted shrimp was a tad underroasted. And by underroasted, I mean raw. This was due, I hate to say, to the fact that by the time we reached this point of the meal, yours truly may have imbibed one too many Lemon Martini, and wasn't paying good attention. Oops. But otherwise, it all came out very well. Particularly the scallops, which got raves, and honestly should have been stinking excellent, considering I could have paid the gas bill with the amount of cash I coughed up for them. Here is the really SIMPLE recipe...

Scallops with Basil Stuffing

1/2 cup fresh basil leaves

1 clove garlic, peeled

1 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. freshly ground pepper

1/3 cup plus 2 tbsp. olive oil

1 1/2 lbs. scallops (the really good, fat ones, the ones that you ask the fish man for, not really looking at the price per pound, and then when he rings it up, you stare at the price and start to hyperventilate)

Mince the basil, garlic, salt and pepper together until very fine. I used the old fashioned mortar and pestle that Mommy gave me. Mix in a small bowl, or cup with 2 tbsp. olive oil.

Make a deep horizontal slit in the side of each scallop, but don't cut all the way through. Fill each scallop with about 1 tsp. of the basil mixture; close. Pour the remaining oil onto a plate or pan, and turn each scallop in it, then place on a broiler pan.

Broil the scallops for 2 to 3 minutes per side, no more. (Or grill them, which would have been excellent, but I was too damned lazy to go stand outside grilling while all the fun was being had inside.)

I served them on a bed of arugula and endive (which I insist on pronouncing ahn-deeve, just because I can) with a Lemon Vinaigrette - 1 part lemon juice, 2 parts olive oil, salt, pepper.

Serves 4. You may do the math re: how many pounds I had to buy to feed 11!

___________________________________

I will only brag on my sweet boy once here. I swear.

On Christmas Eve morning, before he ran in to play video games, Jude sat down at his little desk and made...a birthday card for Jesus. Couldn't you just die.

 

I fear he is just not an artist. But I particularly like the little "You" with an arrow to the baby. He put the card under the tree next to the nativity scene. Very dear.

___________________________________

No one gave me a Snuggie. It's sad. I keep asking. Nobody gives me one. I can't decide if people just think that I'm joking or if they think I'm too good for one. It must be something like that, or surely somebody would give me one by now. Come to think of it, nobody's ever given me a Chia Pet either. Always wanted one of them too.

___________________________________

Jimmy did, however, give me that scarf I've been dying for (I actually got the card from the store, and wrote the name of the scarf with the color I wanted on it, and handed it to the man - sometimes you've just got to take care of yourself.), a gift certificate for a massage (which I NEED) and a gift certificate for Barnes and Noble, which I'm looking forward to using. My sister-in-law gave me a fabulous cookbook from Cook's Magazine. And my friend and Christmas Eve guest Laura gave me this cool trio of kitchen products- hand soap, dish soap and counter cleaner in a little holder thing, which I'm strangely excited about - I keep finding reasons to clean the kitchen counter. She reads this blog, so I'm going to count this as her thank you note. And my friends and other Christmas Eve guests, Scott and Melissa, always bring me a new bottle of special bourbon every year. This year's treat is Black Maple Hill...

 

DELICIOUS!

___________________________________

 

We spent Christmas Day at our friends Pat and Debra's house. They always do a fabulous meal, and their home in the Hollywood Hills is lovely and warm. And I'm always so stinking exhausted that I love that I can just sit there and do NOTHING. Pat (Patsy) is an amazing Italian chef, who also does outstanding meats, and Debra handles all the "American" food and the desserts. Jude blew me away by eating a gigantic plate of gnocchi with sauce and prime rib. He loves Uncle Pat's cooking! I've posted Pat's videos before, but here's his take on a simple tomato sauce...

 

 

___________________________________

 

Patsy also made me what I think may become my new favorite cocktail, a Negroni. It's a really old-fashioned cocktail, that's kind of bitter and strange. An acquired taste, but then pretty addicting. Mmmm...

Negroni

1 part gin

1 part Campari

1 part Sweet Vermouth

Shake in a cocktail shaker with ice, and serve straight up in a martini glass. Garnish with a curl of orange peel.

I think I'll need to buy some Campari tomorrow!

___________________________________

A couple of years ago, we started this sweet/silly tradition in our little family. On holiday nights, we let Jude sleep in bed with us. So that makes FOUR bodies in the same bed, because our little dog Fancy always sleeps on my feet. But I'm afraid that this is gonna have to come to a stop soon. On Christmas night, we all snuggled in and watched the Marx Brothers Duck Soup, then went to sleep. I swear, Jude must have rolled over and hit me in the head 4 times during the night, Jimmy was snoring like mad, and the dog wouldn't get off my feet. And on top of that, I woke up a couple of times with my hormonal night sweats. NOT a festive night.

 __________________________________

Last night, after an absolutely BRILLIANTLY lazy day, Jude and I ventured to downtown LA, and went ice skating with his Cub Scout pack. And by "Jude and I" went ice skating, I mean Jude went ice skating. I stood on the side of the rink and waved in support. Middle-aged Texas Woman = NOT ice skater. However, Little Californian Boy = Pretty decent and scrappy ice skater. No points for form, but he manages to stay on his feet and have a lot of fun. I'm thinking we might head down there again later in the week. Anybody else in?

__________________________________

 Remember those 15 pounds that I lost with Weight Watchers? Well, about 5 of them have come home again, thanks to all this feasting. January 2? Back on the WW. Damn.

__________________________________

That's it for now. Damn, I wish I had some of that Campari. Sounds so good...

Y'all head on over to visit Stacy for the usual Tuesday randomness.

RTT: Dog Food, Wasabi and The Cookie Monster

Yo, yo, yo, people. Whazzup. It's Tuesday, so it must be Random Tuesday Thoughts...

The makers of Beneful Dog Food have produced this commercial, which is running in Germany and Austria...

 

According to the Washington Post, this commercial has been created to appeal to dogs as well as their humans. The ad is full of weird high-pitched sounds, which are supposed to get dogs attention. As an experiment, I sat down with our little dog, Fancy, and played it for her. Several times. Nothing. She shows absolutely ZERO interest in it. I fear that the Beneful people may have invested their money to no avail. Give it a try on your dogs, and let me know what their reaction was.

_________________________________

I have recently decided that I need to help my kid develop more up-to-date tastes in music. All that I ever listen to in the car is either a) old rock and roll from the '60s, '70s and '80s. b) NPR or c) classical/choral music - it mellows me in bad traffic. And he's never asked me to put on anything else. He definitely knows his old rock - the kid can identify Dylan, The Stones, Bowie, Elton John and of course, The Beatles. But when we were driving to San Diego (for our Naval experience) in my friend Ronda's car, she had on KIIS-FM, the station where Ryan Seacrest works. They play all that Top 40 stuff, which I am ridiculously, old-womanishly ignorant about. And Jude just loved it. And he seems to have been listening to this music somewhere - I guess at his friends houses. He recognized Eminem, which kind of blew me away. But at some point, Ronda's son A.J. said "Can we put on the station that they play in Jude's car? I like that station." So Ronda switched over to my old rock and roll station. Isn't that typical? They both wanted what the other was used to! So anyway, I'm forcing myself to listen to that KIIS station more often. It's probably good for me. And I like that new Adele song. But the other day, I heard a DJ say something about a band, and I swear they said it was called "Enjoyable Menopause". Which, I'm thinking is a poor band name, and I must have missheard. Any ideas of what it really was?

___________________________________

__________________________________

Did any of y'all pay attention to the list of 2011 Nobel Prize winners which were recently handed out? The Nobel Prize for Chemistry went to some Japanese dudes who invented...are you ready?...A wasabi alarm clock. Apparently, it was very difficult to determine exactly how much airborne wasabi was necessary to wake a person. According to the patent, their alarm consisted of...

1. An odorant receptacle containing an odorant whose concentration in air at which a person can no longer tolerate a strength of smell is lower than a no observed effect concentration of the odorant.

2. A drive section which emits the odorant from the odorant receptacle.

3. A detector which detects occurrence of an unusual situation, and outputs a detection signal.

4. A controller which, when the detection signal is inputted from the detector, causes the drive section to emit the odorant in accordance with the detection signal.

And I know this is the NOBEL PRIZE, for God's sake, but doesn't that all just make you giggle?

__________________________________

Hehehe...

 __________________________________

I just looked back over what I'd written, and realized I was a little thin this week. So I walked in to Jimmy, who was lying in the bed, and asked him to give me a random thought to share with my readers. He thought about it for a moment, then said...

"Trip in, trip out, don't worry, in doubt, flip out."

I have no idea what this means. And I'm fairly embarrassed to admit that it came out of my weirdo husband's brain. It is certainly random, I'll give him that.

___________________________________

Stacy is still the organizer of all things random, so please drop her place and check out the others.

Gretchen's Busy Weekend

My weekend - in bullet points...

• Friday, 6:00 pm - Took Jude to his Cub Scout Pack meeting. Three hours in a gym with 40 boys, all screaming and running around. Much chaos.
• In new unofficial role as "Cub Scout Leader Who Doesn't Really Have a Position or Any Authority and Refuses to Wear the Ugly Uniform But Seems to Do a Tremendous Amount of the Work" spent much of this time arranging/passing out new scouting t-shirts and handing out achievement beltloops/patches.
• Actually achieved 3 patches of my very own as "CSLWDRHAPOAAARTWTUUBSTDATAOTW".
• Didn't eat any of the dinner, because the Webelos had made cheeseburgers and Doritos for dinner, and that's not exactly Weight Watchers.
• Friday, 9:00 - Returned home and managed to scrounge up some Weight Watchers doable foods.
• Couldn't get Jude to go to sleep until 10:00, because he'd started a new book (see sidebar).
• 10:00 pm -Stupidly started fiddling around with this Pinterest thing everybody is talking about.
• 12:30 pm - Realized that I was still fiddling around with this Pinterest thing, and that it was 12:30.
• Saturday, 6:45 am - Alarm went off.
• 7:15 am - Arrived with Jude at the soccer field at the time his coaches had told us we needed to arrive for his 8:00 am soccer game.
• 7:45 am - Everyone else on Jude's soccer team arrived at soccer field, including aforementioned coaches. Sigh...
• 9:00 am - Painful defeat - 0 - 3. Sadness all around.
• Went to grocery store on the way home. Remembered to buy toilet paper, milk and wine. Yea me! Forgot to buy dog food. Sad for Fancy, the dog.
• Cleaned house. Did laundry.
• 1:00 pm - Walked around to the cul-de-sac to help set up for our neighborhood associations yearly fall block party as was asked. Two other neighbors there. No one knows what's going on. We stare at each other for 30 minutes, waiting for someone who knew something to arrive, while Jude flew around the cul-de-sac madly on his scooter with no helmet on. No one who knew anything ever showed up. Went home.
• Piddled with this Pinterest thing.
• Cooked  chicken taquitos and hotdogs to take to the block party.
• 4:00 pm - Walked around the corner to the block party carrying taquitos and hot dogs. Jude entered the giant blow up slide thingy with all the other neighborhood children.
• Hung out with neighbors. Ate one piece of chicken - only Weight Watchers worthy food at block party.
• Stared at barbecued ribs and chocolate cake, but didn't eat them.
• Felt hungry, but happily pious.
• 7:30 pm - Jude's friend A.J. arrived at the block party and joined Jude in aforementioned giant blow up slide thingy, from which Jude had yet to emerge.
• 8:30 pm - Jude and A.J. decided they wanted to exit the giant blow up slide thingy together and I needed to take them back to our house to play to Wii. Jimmy stayed at the party.
• Still hadn't bought any dog food, so gave Fancy two hot dogs for dinner.
• While boys played Wii, I watched 5 episodes of "Criminal Minds" which I'd taped over the last many weeks. Jimmy called to tell me that he and his little friends Brian and Erick (both other middle-aged dads) were going to go to Erick's garage and "jam" (play guitars and tambourines, sing and...drink tremendous amounts of beer).
• Fancy's hot dog induced gas filled the house with a horrid stench.
• 11:00 pm - Managed to make Jude and A.J. go to sleep. Stayed up watching more "Criminal Minds".
• 12:00 pm - Tried to go to sleep, but due to excessive "Criminal Minds" viewing, was sure that a serial killer was going to sneak into our house and do something heinous like staple my eyes open, or dip the boys feet in acid.
• 1:00 am - Time Jimmy claims that he came home, drunk, from Erick's "jam session".
• 2:30 am - Time Jimmy did, in fact, come home, drunk, from Erick's "jam session", because I heard him.
• Sunday, 9:15 am - Woke up, looked at clock and freaked out - needed to be at church, Jude and A.J. in tow, for pre-mass choir practice by 10:00 am.
• 10:00 am - Tried to leave for church. Made hungover Jimmy get up to move his car, which was blocking my car in the driveway. Jimmy's car wouldn't start.
• Jude, A. J. and I, with the help of some random neighbors who happened to be walking by, manage to push Jimmy's car out of the driveway onto the street.
• 10:30 am - Arrive at church for my 10:00 rehearsal. The large church parking lot is all set up for the annual church carnival, which we were planning to attend after mass. Boys are very excited. About the carnival, not so much about the mass.
• 12:00 noon - Church is over, and we head out to the carnival. After joining my friend Lynn and her daughters, Julianna and Isabella to set up the church auditorium for our choir hosted bingo, we all hit the rides and amusements.
• 12:30 pm - Jude's friend A.J. asks for the first time if he can play the "toss the ping pong ball and win a goldfish" game. I tell him "no", as A.J.'s mother, Ronda, won't allow him to have a goldfish because she has cats.
• 1:30 pm - Jude and A. J. have run through all $40 worth of carnival ride tickets I've purchase for them.
• 1:35 pm - Jude and A. J. think they may need to vomit from excessive carnival ride riding. No one actually vomits.
• I send a frantic text to A. J.'s mother, Ronda, saying "THEY'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, COME GET THEM!"
• 1:40 pm - I eat one piece of grilled chicken from the Filipino Food Booth, the only food I can find at the carnival which is Weight Watchers approved.
• 1:45 pm - Jude's friend A. J. asks me for the 968th time if he can play the "toss the ping pong ball and win a goldfish" game. I say "OH, ALRIGHT, FOR GOD"S SAKE!"
• 1:55 pm - A. J. spends $6 in game tickets to try to win a $.18 goldfish. Luckily, he's not a winner, and we aren't forced to tote a bag of ill-fated fish around for the rest of the day.
• 2:30 pm - Ronda arrives and whisks those boys off. Whew.
• 3:00 pm - Choir Bingo starts up in the auditorium. I work in my new career - Parttime Volunteer Church Bingo Caller. "O - 62!"
• 8:15 pm - I stop calling bingo.
• 8:45 pm - I arrive home to find hungover Jimmy asleep, while Jude (whom Ronda had kindly fed and returned home) reads next to him in bed.
• 8:46 pm - I pour myself a much needed glass of wine. I realize I haven't eaten any dinner, and eat 1 Point worth of smoked turkey and a cheese stick.
• 8:50 pm - Realized that I still hadn't bought any dog food for Fancy. Gave her 6 dog treats and some smoked turkey for dinner.
• 8:55 pm - Prepared for dog gas.
• 9:00 pm - Made Jude go to sleep.
• 9:05 pm - Wrote this blog post.

Fall Follow-Ups

It has taken a lovely turn toward COOL around here, putting me in my usual happy autumnal mood. Not that we get much Autumn here in SoCal, but I'll take what I can get. Actually, I just like saying the word "autumnal".

Cool always makes me want to do a little housekeeping, and I've suddenly realized that I haven't done a "follow-up" post in AGES. So I thought I'd fill y'all in on what's been going on with some of the many topics I've ranted and complained about over the last several months. 

* I STILL  haven't gotten my writing on a path. Even after so many of you gave me excellent advice on ways to get my work published, and I even went out for a wonderful breakfast with Elizabeth, who was FULL of excellent guidance which I eagerly wrote down, ready to take that next step forward...I have done nothing. Well...practically nothing. I have been fiddling with the novel I want to write. Making lots of notes. And I've written a page. Yes, a page, as in one page. But it's a start.

* I'm happy to announce that our little dog Fancy has had no more adventures. In fact, since her kidnapping (because that is what I'm choosing to call it), she hasn't even attempted to wander off once. The yard man has left the side gate open TWICE, but all she does is run around to the front porch and bark until I let her in. Clearly, she prefers to be at home with her little family than off gallivanting with the blackmailers. Good dog.

* I am still enjoying my peculiar little Social Media Management job, wherein I go on the internets and pretend to be someone, and Tweet and Facebook for them. The woman I "am" now has 10,000 Facebook friends (she actually maxed the number of "friends" she could have, and had to start a fan page, which now has over 5000 "likes". And 2000 followers on Twitter. I used to just post links and videos and quotes and such, but now she has me wishing "Happy Birthday" to all her "friends" - 10 to 20 birthdays a day. Crazy.

* The hole in my mouthhas healed up nicely, thank you. I don't know if the healing had anything to do with the collagen treatments that my endodontist used, or if it was just...time. But it's all better. I'm sure you're all relieved.

* Facebook is still suggesting that I become friends with Ruth Buzzi. But now they also say I should be friends with Jane Lynch (10 mutual friends), Buck Henry (13 mutual friends), Lee Grant (21 mutual friends) and Michael O'Keefe (20 mutual friends). So far, I have saved them all the embarrassment of Ignoring me.

* Jude's summer pop cultural schoolingwas mostly successful. He is now a full-fledged Star Wars dude. Though we still haven't watched that "Revenge of the Sith" one. So many of y'all warned me off it, that I've kind of avoided it. But Jude's pretty much driving me crazy wanting to see it, so I might just go ahead and rent it. I told Jude that I thought it was too "dark" and he reminded me that the last two Harry Potter movies were "dark" and he was just fine. Maybe he's right...He also took to Monty Python in a serious way. But I'm afraid the Star Trek education is still lacking. I've tried to get him to watch the original series, but he just has no interest. I'm deeply upset. How can he have missed inheriting the Star Trek gene from me? I tried to point out how cool Mr. Spock was and how Captain Kirk always gets the groovy chicks, but, alas, he didn't seem to care. Perhaps I should skip ahead to TNG. I always enjoy me some Patrick Stewart.

* Okay, look over to the right at the little pink square on my sidebar from Amazon.com. I put that thing over there, and filled it with a bunch of favorites and then, of course, completely forgot to update it. So yesterday, I decided that it was time to add some new stuff and figure out why I haven't earned any big cash from Amazon, and when I opened up my Amazon Associates account, it said "Residents of CA are not eligible to participate in the Associates program." What??? Why didn't they tell me this before? I'm so mad. Should I just change my address with them? Use Mommy's address in New York? Or do y'all think that's illegal?

* Remember my obsession with Zoopla.com? The British real estate website? For when I pack up and move to the UK in my next life? I have a new one - Property Ireland. Because I read somewhere that Ireland was one of the best places to live right now. And come on, who wouldn't want to live in a place called Lobster Cottage in Kinsale, County Cork?

* The latest from my old college acquaintance and Facebook nemesis who drives me crazy with his endless, pedantic, creepy, hippie-dippie status updates -

"Wow, an amazing experience this morning while Shamanically Journeying during ecstatic dance--my former Spirit Animal was gone and I was given a new one! Guess it's time for me to soar!"

Eeeeeek! I hope I don't run into his lost former Spirit Animal. How embarrassing would that be?

"Just finished an 8-page script for a video I'm gonna start shooting later today called (with my typical utter lack of modesty!)...'The Best Damn Learn-to-Juggle Video Ever Made!'"

Of course, he juggles.

"Got index cards filled with each day's discrete activities leading up to the Launch of my super-secret online project just 9 days from now!"

He's been talking about this "super-secret online project" for months and months. Only 9 days, can't wait!

Okay, I've really got to get over this. Or hide his posts.

* We still haven't heard hide nor hair of Chi, the guy who rear-ended me. It still makes me giggle every time I say "guy who rear-ended me". I fear he will remain a mystery. I wish him well. As long as his insurance company comes through with the last of my cash.

*Jude and my tandem reading is progressing brilliantly. Every night we lie down in his bed and he reads his book and I read mine. He just absolutely PLOWED through "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", then immediately grabbed "Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator". I made him a stack of all our Roald Dahl so he can just read his way through it. Such good stuff. And amazingly, I have actually been able to do some reading of my own for the first time in 8 years! I've read three books in the last month. I feel like myself again!

* Jude's scar's healing nicely. Thank you Vitamin E oil and Mederma.

* Jude's friend Gus has made it through his first round of chemo, and is doing great. He's lost all his hair and is wearing hats, but he's such a spirited, funny, strong kid, that he makes it look cool. Please keep saying a prayer for him every time you see the little button to the right.

* And the thing I'm sure you've all been most concerned about - the hot flashes have temporarily abated, but the mood swings are rockin'. Woohoo.

Well I guess that's about it. I'm feeling much tidier. Very autumnal. Is there anything I left out that you've been wondering about? I'm sure you're all on pins and needles.

Fancy's Big Adventure

On Tuesday afternoon, I returned home after my auditions to find Jimmy and Jude, still sick and wearing his little pajamas, standing in our front yard, looking panicked.

"We can't find Fancy! Fancy's gone!" said Jimmy frantically. Fancy, many of you will remember, is our precious little dog.

 

Seems Jimmy had left the front door open for "just a minute or two" while he was vacuuming the living room, and she "must have gotten out". Uh-huh.  Jimmy and I have had an ongoing argument about this very thing for YEARS. He loves to open up all the doors and windows to "air the place out", sometimes leaving the front door wide open for hours at a time. I have probably asked him 12,000 times not to do this or Fancy is going to wander off, but he NEVER LISTENS TO ME. We lost Imogene, our old cat, once this way, and now it was Fancy.

We all went into crisis mode. Unfortunately, because Jude was sick, we couldn't both go out and search at the same time, so we took turns running around the neighborhood, then driving around the neighborhood, calling her name. We knew that she had on her collar and tags, which had her name, our address and my cell phone on it.

When I left the house to search the neighborhood, I had grabbed my cell phone, and noticed that about 45 minutes before, I had missed a call from a Blocked number, and the person had failed to leave a message.

While searching around, I received another phone call from Blocked.

ME

Hello.

BLOCKED

Uh. Hello. How are you?

ME

(puzzled)

Fine. Who is this?

BLOCKED

Do you, uh, have a dog?

ME

Yes!

BLOCKED

Did you lose it?

ME

YES!

BLOCKED

Yeah, I, uh, got the dog.

ME

Oh thank God!! Where are you, where is she? What's your name?

BLOCKED

   I'm, um, uh, Tony. The dog was running around in the middle of Melrose. It almost died. I had to run out into the street to get it.

GRETCHEN

Oh my God! Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Where can I come get her?

"TONY"

Uh, um, you gonna give me a reward?

GRETCHEN

(huh?)

Uh, well, I hadn't really thought about it yet...uh...sure, I guess.

"TONY"

How much?

 GRETCHEN

(digging in my purse)

I have...$50 on me right now...I can give you that.

"TONY"

Well...I had to run out in the street. The dog almost got hit by a car. I think it might be worth a little more than that.

GRETCHEN

(suddenly sobbing like a hysterical woman)

WE JUST WANT OUR LITTLE GIRL BACK!!

"TONY"

Yeah...I'll call you back.

And he hung up on me.

I ran home and told Jimmy. "That sounds like extortion." said Jimmy. Yes it did.

We sat and waited. No return phone call from "Tony".

Jimmy talked to his cousin, Cathy, who, being a well-meaning alarmist, threw fuel to the fire. "There are rings of these people! They steal dogs then extort money from you. And if you don't give them what they want they just set the dog back on the street. It happens all the time!"

Jimmy started to freak more, and called the police. They were very nice, but completely unhelpful. Unless the guy had actually said something like "If you don't give us $500 you'll never see your little dog alive again!", there was nothing they could do. They offered to send a squad car over, but we feared that since "Tony" had our address, if they came to the house to bring the dog and saw police there, they might run and we really wouldn't ever see Miss Fancy again.

We waited. And freaked more. I don't think I've seen Jimmy this upset since many years ago when I had a miscarriage. I realize that he felt guilty for leaving the door open, and if we couldn't get her back, would be eaten up with guilt forever.

Over the past few years, I have auditioned several times to play a woman whose child had been kidnapped, or was missing in action or some such thing. As I was sitting there, completely powerless, I had one of those weird actor thoughts that I should work on remembering this feeling so I could recreate it in some future audition.

I tried calling the phone company to trace the Blocked phone number, but they wouldn't help. I called our friend Sylva, a dog rescuer, for advice. She said that it didn't sound to her like any kind of professional dog thieves, just some guy who wanted to make a little cash off the dog, and he probably didn't like the amount I offered, but would go for maybe $100. She suggested making Lost Dog posters with a picture of Fancy and the phrase "$$REWARD$$" and hanging them up and down Melrose. She suspected that "Tony" would, after letting us stew for a few hours, have a friend call and pretend that they had found the dog and ask for a higher $$REWARD$$, which we would need to cough up. I set to work making signs.

In the middle of this, one of Jimmy's acting students, a young guy named Alvaro, showed up for a coaching session, which Jimmy had forgotten about. Jimmy decided to go ahead and coach him, that it might take his mind off the whole Fancy thing.

When we told Alvaro what had happened, he was extremely sweet and sympathetic, and strangely knowledgeable about it all. After a while, Alvaro shared that long ago, in his misspent youth in Miami, he and his friends had made quite a bit of cash...dog-napping. He said that these guys would definitely call back. They probably weren't serious criminals or anything, just sort of sleazy guys who wanted to get a little cash. He agreed with Sylva that offering them $100 would get Fancy back to us.

Sure enough, about 7:00 pm, I got a call from another Blocked number...

GRETCHEN

Hello?

BLOCKED

Yeah, you the lady with the dog?

GRETCHEN

YES! Is this Tony?

BLOCKED

Tony? Uh...oh. No. I'm a friend of his...Manny. I can bring your dog to you.

I then blathered on naively, as Alvaro had instructed me, talking about how relieved our little boy would be, and how much we appreciated their kindness. "Manny" was actually really nice. Sort of a good cop/bad cop thing. He went on about what a sweet dog Fancy was, asked me what we fed her, remarked that she was so friendly and never barked. I told him that I'd spoken briefly to "Tony" about a reward, and how we really very much wanted to thank them for their help. I asked him how much he thought would be appropriate. "Oh really, whatever you think you could give out of the goodness of your heart" Manny replied.

He then said that he would head over to our neighborhood with the dog, and call us when he got closer. Maybe we could meet him someplace?

Well this didn't sound sinister at all. Maybe we were just being incredibly paranoid. Maybe they were just really nice guys who had rescued our little dog, but were just poor people-persons?

"They'll call back in about an hour" Alvaro said "But this time it will be the first guy again. And he'll ask for a specific amount of money. They have your address from the dog tags, and they'll probably drive by, check out the place, and decide how much to ask."

It was the first time I'd ever been happy that we live in a tiny house which desperately needs a paint job.

Sure enough, about 45 minutes later, the phone rings again. It's "Tony". He sounded pissed.

TONY

Yeah, so...how much is this reward you're gonna give us?

GRETCHEN

Well, I have $50 on me, but if you want more, we could get it for you.

TONY

I went to a lot of trouble for this dog...I ran out in traffic to save it. I think it's worth at least $100.

GRETCHEN

Okay, we can do that. But my husband's going to have to run to the ATM first.

TONY

Yeah, whatever.

We arranged for Jimmy to meet him at a nearby gas station. Alvaro's only fear was that these guys would show up and decide to ask for more money. He said that that was pretty common. They'd decide at the last minute to up the price to $500 or so, depending on how the dog owner reacted.

Jimmy left the house looking like he was headed into war. I made him swear that he wouldn't lose his temper and piss these guys off. We didn't want them to take off without giving us the dog. He swore to me that he'd give "An Academy Award performance." Which I knew he was capable of.

Ten minutes later, Jimmy showed up with Fancy and we all had a tearful reunion.

Apparently, Jimmy retrieved the cash and showed up at the gas station in fine form. You have to understand that Jimmy is often cast as a nut/whackadoo/gangster, and he decided to play this to the hilt. He got out of his car and walked around, waving the dog leash semi-threateningly and asking everybody in the place if they were the guy who had his dog. Finally, "Tony" and "Manny" pulled in. When they got out of the car, Jimmy ran up and hugged them both. They were apparently taken aback. "These guys saved our dog!" he enthusiastically told all the other gas station customers. He got them talking and it turns out that "Tony" and "Manny" work up the street at one of the local Medical Marijuana dispensaries. He thoroughly charmed them, even getting them to carry the dog and put her in Jimmy's car. They told him that if he came by the shop, they'd give him a great deal.

When Fancy got home, she ran around like crazy,  jumped on everything, kissed us all, then fell asleep immediately on the sofa. Like she hadn't spent most of the day in a marijuana dispensary and driving around with a couple of thugs/drug dealers/extortionists. Typical dog.

I'm still not sure what to think about the whole thing. I tend not to believe that these guys stole the dog. Or that they were dog-nappers. I think they really did just find her, probably really did save her from the middle of a busy thoroughfare, and just thought that they should get a little cash for it. Not to defend them in any way. I mean, what kind of human being wouldn't just get your dog back to you immediately? Especially if they worked a half a mile away. What kind of person would hang up on you and leave you panicked and worried for hours?

What do y'all think? Kidnappers? Extortionists? Kind-hearted souls?

Counting My Blessings

1. After all these years, Jimmy still makes me laugh. Even though about half the time I want to hit him in the head with a frying pan.
2. God entrusted me with the care of  Jude.
3. I was able to give birth at age 42.
4. Jude is a loving, caring, curious, smart, creative, silly boy, who dearly loves his Mama.
5. Mama and Daddy were loving, caring, curious, smart, creative people who raised me in a home full of love, and encouraged intelligence, independence and silliness.
6. Jimmy's nutty family has taken me in and embraced me as one of their own, despite the fact that I am Southern, very tall, and not Italian.
7. Mommy, Pop and Grace are still with us, healthy and active into their 80's.
8. My sister-in-law Niki, who is the only person who completely understands my feelings about this nutty family we have married into.
9. Health.
10. Strength and resiliency.
11. We're able to make a (sadly modest) living doing something we truly love.
12. A bit of talent.
13. My agents. Many people don't have any, and mine are very supporting and hard-working.
14. The intelligence, creativity and enthusiasm of my sometime writing partner Brian.
15. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
16. St. Jude.
17. My church. It's Catholic. It's liberal. It's an oxymoron.
18. My choir.
19. The gift of voice.
20. We're singing Vivaldi's "Gloria" for Christmas. Crazy good.
21. My friend Lynn.
22. My friend Gwen.
23. My best friend Kaysie, who I've known and loved since we were born.
24. My best friend Sharon, who I've known and loved since 9th Grade.
25. Jude has a group of best friends who make him very happy.
26. The parents of Jude's best friends are terrific! Couldn't ask for better people.
27. Jude says I'm his best friend.
28. My cousins in Texas who I almost never get to see, but love dearly, and I feel a strong bond with.
29. I have an amazing support system of friends who I can count on for anything, and are always there for me. Truly.
30. Jude's school. A safe haven in the heart of a big scary city. Couldn't ask for a better place or a more loving community.
31. The parents at Jude's school. Wonderful, wonderful people.
32. Jude's Cub Scout pack. Another little pocket of wholesome fun in the heart of the crazy city.
33. Reconnecting with my old college friends. Facebook was good for something.
34. After years apart, I have reconnected with my dear old friend Sondee, who during my 20's, was my right arm. It's great to have my arm back.
35. Toontown.
36. My laptop.
37. The internet. Thank you Al Gore.
38. Netflix.
39. Woody Allen.
40. Martin Scorcese.
41. TiVo.
42. The SyFy Channel.
43. Shutterfly.
44. Club Pogo.
45. Fancy. The best dog EVER.
46. Our house. Even though it's tiny and falling down around us, it is charming and we can afford the mortgage.
47. Our funky neighborhood.
48. Great neighbors who watch out for us.
49. My washer and dryer.
50. Speakman Shower Heads.
51. Long hot showers/baths.
52. The free vacuum cleaner I got at BlogHer (see reviews page).
53. Windex.
54. Clorox Clean-Up with Bleach.
55. Knowing not to mix the Windex with the Clorox Clean-Up with Bleach because it creates Mustard Gas.
56. My Keurig coffeemaker.
57. Coffee in general.
58. Venti Nonfat Caramel Macchiatos from Starbucks.
59. California weather.
60. Fresh oranges and tangerines that grow in our yard almost year-round.
61. The smell of orange blossoms that floats on the air at night.
62. The smell of tuberoses.
63. The smell of Shalimar.
64. The smell of cumin.
65. The smell of rain.
66. The smell of Jude.
67. Our mattress's pillowtop.
68. Nyquil.
69. Good hair. 49, and very little gray.
70. Jesse, my hairdresser.
71. My legs, which were always my best feature, are still holding up pretty well.
72. Managing to still look fairly good for a perimenopausal woman.
73. Annemarie Borlind LL Regeneration Creams.
74. Cheap manicures/pedicures.
75. Target.
76. Dawn Direct Foam Dishwashing Liquid
77. Butter.
78. Bacon.
79. Pasta Carbonara.
80. Pasta in general.
81. Garlic.
82. Lemons.
83. Chocolate.
84. Triscuits with Rosemary and Olive Oil.
85. Jan's Brussels Sprouts recipe.
86. Great-grandma Matilda Hansen Hanson's Chocolate Cream Pie Recipe.
87. Wine. Of every kind.
88. Vodka and grapefruit juice. My new favorite cocktail.
89. Bourbon.
90. Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog is in season.
91. Christmas music season starts...now.
92. Books. In general.
93. Anne Tyler, Robertson Davies, William Manchester, Toni Morrison, Faulkner, Tennessee Williams, Larry McMurtry, Ferrol Sams, Michael Chabon, Harper Lee, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Pat Conroy in particular.
94. Rock and roll.
95. Classic country.
96. This blog. A place to create, to vent, to share.
97. Keely The Unmom, for providing Random Tuesday Thoughts.
98. Jen at Sprite's Keeper for providing the Spin Cycle, which is sadly taking a hiatus.
99. The friends I've made through this blog. Some I've met in person, many I haven't. But I truly feel that we are friends.
100. All of you dear readers. For taking the time to read my brain spew. I sincerely hope you know how thankful I am for you all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

RTT: Flytraps, Jack and Fairies

Welcome to another edition of...

Someone has given Jude a Venus Flytrap. What the hell do I do with it? He seems to think we need to catch flies and feed them to it. Surely this isn't the deal here. I mean, it's not exactly "fly season" in Los Angeles. If we just sit it on the porch, will it feed for itself? I must admit that the thing kind of freaks me out. I keep picturing Audrey II from "Little Shop of Horror". Do you think if we keep feeding the thing it will grow giant and take over our home?

____________________________________

And through an interesting coincidence...

The other night, Jimmy and I went to a party in Beverly Hills. It was a farewell party for some friends of ours who are moving to New York - he's a famous playwright and she's an '80's tv star, and both are members of The Actor's Studio (as are Jimmy and I). So the guest list was pretty interesting and accomplished, though mostly over the age of 60. I spent about half the night sitting with Steve Railsback (I always remember him as Manson in "Helter Skelter") and the other half with a completely charming gentleman, who turned out to have played the dentist in the original "Little Shop of Horrors", the Roger Corman film that made Jack Nicholson a star. Turns out, this man and his wife are still best friends with Jack. I just love this kind of stuff.

 

___________________________________

 I have decided that our little dog, Fancy, needs a middle name. I keep calling her Fancy Marie. What do y'all think?

___________________________________

At long latht, Jude hath lotht bof of hith front teef.

 

His little toothless lisp is so painfully cute that I keep cruelly making him repeat things so I can giggle.

The other night on the day he lost his tooth, we were getting ready to put the tooth in a little plastic bag under his pillow for the Tooth Fairy to take away. Suddenly, my sweet, sensitive little man got terribly sentimental and teary, and admitted that he didn't want to give his tooth away. That it had been a good tooth for so long, and that he might want to hang on to it. And since I am nothing if not sentimental (apple/tree) we wrote a kind note to the Tooth Fairy explaining the situation, and asked her if it would be okay to keep to tooth as a keepsake. The fairy was extremely understanding, and decided to leave him the cash anyway.

___________________________________

And while we're on the subject of my child...(you all cringe)...

Yesterday in school, Jude wrote the following letter to send to the troops overseas (Note: one big sic for all of this):

Dear Solger,

Thank you for puting your life in danger. What hapens when you get shot? How fun is it? Here is a joke. Knok, Knok. Whos there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry it's just a joke."

Love, Jude

Now, I think that if I was a soldier in some God-forsaken place like Iraq, I'd truly appreciate a good knock-knock joke. Maybe not as much as porn, but still...

____________________________________

Gretchen's weekly Exercise Accountability Report:

• Tuesday: YMCA - 30 minutes on bike, 30 minutes lower body weights.
• Wednesday: Nada.
• Thursday: Wii Fit Aerobics. 30 minutes of the stupidest aerobics I've ever encountered. Certain, more on this later. Upper body weight work.
• Friday: Went to jogging path in park around the corner. 35 minutes of alternating 5 minutes brisk walk with 1 minute sprinting. Kicked my butt.
• Saturday: Recuperated.
• Sunday: Wii Fit again. Added the upper body weights to the aerobics for higher impact.
• Monday: YMCA - 30 minutes on bike, 30 minutes lower body weights

Which mean...so far so good.

____________________________________

 My friend Lannyl sent me this. She is not only a successful Broadway actress, but is also a REAL housewife of NYC.  This is her nephew and his band on the New York subway (Jude's favorite place on the planet). So cool...

 

Alrighty then. Run over to Keely's for my Random Tuesday Thoughts fun.

But She Looks So Innocent

Our sweet little dog, Fancy...

 
Just look at that face. What's not to love?

She's quiet, she's low maintenance, she's incredibly affectionate.

But suddenly, since we got back from Palm Springs on Monday, she's...

 
Flatulent.

Eye-wateringly, toe-curlingly flatulent.

Good God almighty! The odors coming out of this small creature! Two nights ago, it actually woke Jimmy and I up in the middle of the night, each accusing the other of the hideous farting, before we realized it was the tiny, innocent-seeming dog sleeping between us!

Yesterday, I walked into the bedroom and entered what seemed to be a gaseous cloud of fart. "Fancy? Is that you?" She stared at me innocently.

 

What could be causing this? I swear we haven't changed her food or treats. Her poop seems normal.

Jimmy thinks maybe she got a hold of some evil food like chocolate or something. But I'm wondering if she just worried herself gassy while we were out of town.  My wonderful friend Eileen took excellent care of her, coming by a couple of times a day and hanging out with her. But I'm afraid that Fancy thought that her family had abandoned her and it sent her into some kind of canine intestinal distress. Could that be?

If anyone has any ideas or helpful hints to save us from this terrible fate, please let me know.

In the meantime, I'm going to have to go buy another can of Glade.

Bedtime Story

11:45 PM

Gretchen has once again stayed up too late doing something important and meaningful on the computer while taking a hot bath and drinking wine. Satisfied after achieving a new personal best in Family Feud, she closes the laptop, gets out of the tub, dries off and covers her body with all of her various special creams. She brushes, flosses, pulls on pajamas, and exits the bathroom.

She tiptoes into Jude's room and finds him lying spreadeagle, having kicked off all the covers, but with one arm firmly clutching his four favorite stuffed animals. Sweet. She tucks the blanket around him, sticks her nose into his neck and inhales deeply, then gives him a kiss.

When she enters her bedroom, she finds Jimmy lying in bed, sound asleep, with the television blaring. As usual. David Letterman has just sat down post-monologue and is chatting with Paul.

She walks to her side of the bed and tries to get into her spot. Unfortunately, Fancy, the dog, has chosen Gretchen's spot as her spot, and is also sound asleep, legs and belly pointing to the ceiling.

"Fancy. Come on honey. You gotta move."

The dog looks up, pissed.

"Move honey. Come on."

The dog won't move. Gretchen manages to shove her slightly to the right, and jam her own legs into the tiny space allotted her by the dog and the husband.

She then carefully arranges her pillows the way she likes them. Five pillows. One particular pillow under her head, two special large pillows on each side of her, creating her little nest. Unfortunately, Jimmy has one of her special pillows under his head. Stealthily, she eases it out and eases a "not special" pillow into its place without waking Jimmy. Whew.

Pillows arranged, she then pulls yet another jar of special cream out of the bedside table and rubs it into her hands and arms, followed by Vaseline, which she applies to her lips and forehead wrinkles.

All ready for bed, she looks around for the remote control, so she can turn Letterman off. Damn. No remote in sight. She looks around on Jimmy's side. On the floor. Under the covers. No remote.

She extricates herself from the sheet and blanket and pillows and dog, walks over to the tv, and punches it off manually. She then crawls back into the bed, squeezes herself back under the covers and arranges her pillows again. Fluff, fluff, fluff, pat, pat, pat. Satisfied, she reaches over to turn out the light on the bedside table.

"And the man said...banana!" says David Letterman. The audience laughs and applauds.

Gretchen sits up.

"What the...?"

The television is on again.

Puzzled, Gretchen looks around. The remote must be in the bed somewhere, and she has accidentally hit it. She does another thorough search for the remote. Nothing.

"Well, this is ridiculous." she says to herself.

Again, she extricates herself from the sheet and blanket and pillows and dog, walks over to the tv, and punches the button manually. A little harder this time. She crawls back into the bed, squeezes herself back under the covers and arranges her pillows yet again. Fluff, fluff, fluff, pat, pat, pat. Sighing heavily, she reaches over to turn off the light.

"And my son Harry said...It was like a monster dance!" says David Letterman. The crowd roars with laughter.

"No way!" Gretchen says, sitting up again.

She looks at Fancy, who is sitting up now, looking disturbed.

"Fancy! Did you do that? Are you on top of the remote?"

Gretchen digs her hand under the dog, disturbing her thoroughly. No remote.

She searches under the sheets, under the pillows. She feels around Jimmy, careful not to wake him.

"Well this is just silly!"

Gretchen angrily kicks aside the sheets and blankets and pillows and dog. Gets up and walks around the bed, smacks the off button on the tv, gets back in the bed, jams her feet under the covers,  jerks the covers back over her and arranges her pillows yet again. Fluff, fluff, fluff, pat, pat, pat. She reaches over and quickly turns off the light.

Silence.

"Number Two: Do I get a jet pack?" Much laughter and applause from the Letterman audience.

"NO FUCKING WAY!"

Gretchen sits straight up in the bed, the room filled once again with the light from the television.

Gretchen then realizes that the bed is now shaking violently. She looks to the right and sees that though Jimmy still has his eyes shut, his entire body is shaking with laughter. Slowly, he pulls the remote out and hands it to Gretchen, never opening his eyes.

"Oh, VEEERRRY funny, Mister." Gretchen says, snatching the remote and finally turning the tv off.

Dramatically, she settles herself at last into her nest of pillows.

Slowly, a sound builds in the dark and quiet room.

It's the sound of Gretchen giggling so hard that she's crying. Jimmy joins her, and they both laugh themselves to sleep.

Walkin' the Dog

The other day I was snuggling on the sofa with Miss Fancy, and when she rolled over for me to reach the nether regions of her belly more efficiently, I gasped. Seems Miss F has developed something of a tummy-pooch. JUST LIKE ME!

As I've written before, since Fancy joined our little family at Christmas, Jimmy has started spoiling her rotten- groomer, spa, treats. And while I have been buying her the most healthful treats I can locate (that don't cost an arm and a paw), she has become something of a treat fiend. Treat, treat, treat, all she wants is treats. Which is something I identify with, because there's nothing I like more than my treats. Which leads us to - tummy-pooch. If Fancy wore little doggie pants, she'd have a little doggie muffin-top. And since I have a not-so-little muffin-top of my own, and since neither Fancy or I want to give up our treats, I have decided that we will start taking walks together.

So a few days ago, I drove around the neighborhood watching the odometer, and mapped out a one mile walking route. Fancy and I have started taking morning walks. The idea is to "fast walk" but, unfortunately, Fancy isn't exactly "leash trained", so we spend a great deal of time tangled up in the leash and each other. And Fancy tries to take off after every cat, dog and pigeon she sees, dragging me around quite a bit. Wacky physical comedy ensues!

The route - We head out the front door, down the walk and take a right at the street. We follow the sidewalk through our kind of lovely historical neighborhood until we get to the corner where they had the big gang shootout a couple of years ago, then take a left. When we reach the park on the corner next to the freeway, we detour onto the jogging path in the park and do one loop. Lots of pigeons in the park for Fancy to freak out over. After one park circuit, we veer back onto the sidewalk and head north until we reach the corner where the Guatemalan family seems to be farming their yard - chickens, corn, all right there in the armpit of the freeway. We take a left.

Here's where we enter a block that I think of as the "Block of Terror". For exactly one block, every sidewalk and wall is covered with gang tags (graffiti to you folks to don't live in large urban areas), and on the front stoop of one large and particularly unkempt apartment building, which actually has barbed wire affixed to the top of each apartment's balcony, there is always a group of "youths" sitting doing nothing. Sitting there doing nothing at 8:00 a.m., mind you. At least, they appear to be doing nothing. Perhaps they are doing some kind of commerce, but I haven't stayed around long enough to ask. I always pull myself up to my full 5'10" and take on a tough Texan broad demeanor. And frankly, the youths don't pay any attention to me or Fancy because we are both middle-aged ladies with tummy pooches.

After the yard with the two huge, slobbering, barking pit bulls, who Fancy wants to make friends with, we take a left, heading back South. Here is where we pass Cranky Old Korean Lady, who always seems to be standing in her yard complaining to whoever passes. This morning, she was yelling at the parking enforcement officer who was ticketing people parked in the street cleaning zone across the street. After passing two more yards filled with "outgoing" dogs, and a remarkable number of women pushing baby carriages, we reach our street, take the final left back into our neighborhood and head home.

Which leads me to this morning. Post dropping Jude off at school, Fancy and I get leashed up (the appearance of the leash now sends Fancy into hippety-hopping hysteria) and I head out, plastic poop bag in hand. Oh, I didn't mention the poop bag, did I. Well naturally, during our outing Fancy takes the opportunity to publicly relieve herself, and I, being a good neighbor, scoop up after her. Strangely, one of the little quirks that Fancy came with is that she's a pavement pooper. Rather than pooping in the grass like normal dogs, Miss Fancy likes to poop on the driveway or a sideway. I don't know why. But it actually makes backyard poop pickup duty easier, as all the poop ends up in the same area of the driveway. But I digress...

We head out on our usual route. Lovely morning. Perfect dog walk weather. When we reach the far end of our route, or shall I say the "nadir" of our route, we approach the "Block of Terror". I wave a cheerful "hola" to the gang of youths, and start to cross the street toward the "yard of pit bull". Just then, Fancy decides to pavement poop. Dead in the middle of the intersection. So I'm standing there in the middle of the street trying to scoop a handful of crap into my plastic bag. In the meantime, Fancy tries to take off to "play" with her "friends" the pit bulls. Traffic stops. Honking is heard. I am cursing at Fancy and trying to smile in a self-deprecating way at the truckload of yard workers who are waiting for me to get out of their way, when I realize that barrelling toward us down the street is the enormous industrial street cleaner, which seems to be taking no prisoners and shunning all stop signs. It is at this moment that I hear the sounds of laughter. It's my friends the youths, who think this is all very funny.

It is very difficult to maintain ones dignity when being drug across the street by a small but enthusiastic dog,  while tangled in said dog's leash, avoiding being flattened by a giant municipally-run vehicle and carrying a large bag of crap. But I did my best. And hopefully, if the gang of youths think I'm comedy, they won't mug me. Wish me luck.