Second Blooming

And the Winner Is...

 

RTT: Yoko, Man Spanx and Condoms

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I am still in the Christmas spirit, despite having spent ONE HOUR in a line at the Walmart yesterday, picking up something I'd ordered through Walmart.com. I thought I'd save the shipping by taking the "Pick Up at the Store" option. NEVER AGAIN. I was down at the Walmart in the 'hood, and I'm telling you, this was a room full of pissed off people. ONE painfully slow woman working TWO lines at the same time. 45 people in the lines, crammed into a tiny room. You'd think that being in one of their commercials would be me some kind of perks. Not happy. Jude, however, will be happy when he gets this...

Which he's craving. And it's coming from Jimmy and me, not Santa. So now the kid won't think the only thing we give him is socks.

____________________________________

 

I've been listening to the All-Christmas-Music-All-the-Time radio station lately. And so therefore, I am singing Christmas songs all the time. All. The. Time. In the store. While I cook. In the shower. While I clean. Yes, I am that woman. I know that I am driving my family crazy, because I'm driving MYSELF crazy. The other day, I couldn't stop singing John Lennon's "Happy Christmas". On and on I sang - "So this is Christmas, And what have you done?, Another year over, And a new one just begun..." and unfortunately, every time I got to the Yoko part, I kept singing it in my  best Yoko voice, which is rather high-pitched and unpleasant "A very Merry Christmas, And a happy New Year, Let's hope it's a good one, Without any fear". After several hours of this, just when I was about to start slamming my head against the wall until I could shake the Yoko out of my head, Jimmy came into the kitchen with a particularly insane and serious look on his face "Are you finished singing that yet? Because I think you're finished singing that." Then he walked out again. I guess I was finished singing it.

"War is over over, If you want it, War is over, Now..."

___________________________________

 

I saw these at Nordstrom's while I was Christmas shopping...

Teehee.

____________________________________

 

The other day, I was at the checkout at Target. The clerk was ringing up my purchase (Mason jars, wrapping paper, martini glasses - the usual Christmas stuff), and I suddenly realized that there, on top of my big bundle of toilet paper, was a very large box of Trojan Condoms. "Oh..." I stopped the checker, "Those aren't mine." The clerk, another middle-aged woman, and I turned to the next person in line, a cholo-type young man, replete with tattoos and piercings. "I guess these are yours." said the clerk. The young kid turned absolutely scarlet. He was completely flustered and started to stutter. It was hysterical. He reacted as if he had been busted by his grandma. I've never felt so old!

____________________________________

Arlene Francis is always my go-to gal for gay new ideas...

_________________________________

I've been busy, busy planning my Feast of the Seven Fishes for Christmas Eve, and I think I've decided on a signature cocktail for the evening.  A Lemon Martini. Not too sweet, not too sour, and I think the lemon will go well with the evening of all seafood. I have been doing a tiny bit of experimentation with the recipe. I mean, certainly I needed to, to make sure the recipe was up to par. It would have been irresponsible to my guests not to. So here's what I've settled on. Quite tasty, I must say...

Lemon Martini

2 parts vodka

2 parts citron vodka

2 parts lemon juice

1 part simple syrup

1 part triple sec

Shake together with ice in a cocktail shaker, then serve straight up with a twist of lemon peel.

Drink.

___________________________________

 

My GIVEAWAY IS STILL OPEN! You have until FRIDAY to get your name in for a chance to win a box of GORGEOUS A Papier Letterpress Stationery. PLEASE check out this link for more info...HERE.

I fear that this picture doesn't do this stationery justice. It is beautiful and elegant. You SHOULD enter my drawing. Again, the link is HERE. Just follow the instructions. It's EASY.

___________________________________

 

I'm going all classical on you for this weeks carol. This is what my choir's been working on for Christmas - The 1st Movement of Vivaldi's Gloria. It's really fun to sing. Not quite as fun as Handel, but pretty damned inspiring. Please enjoy. I fear we are not this good. Just saying...

 

___________________________________

So after you've entered yourself into my giveaway drawing, be sure to head over and visit Stacy and her merry band of randomizers.

...A very Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year, let's hope it's a good one, without any fear...oh damn, that was in the Yoko voice again!

Looky! A Giveaway, Y'all!

In the spirit of giving and thankfulness, I am hereby having a Christmas giveaway for all you faithful readers!

My lovely and talented neighbor, Alyson, has a fabulous letterpress stationery company, A Papier. She's made custom-designed stationery for loads of celebrities, including Jennifer Aniston, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Jessica Alba and Laurence Fishburne. That's right, celebrity stationery, y'all. This stuff is gorgeous!

So I have procured for you, dear readers, a box of 8 Mixed Letterpress cards...

Every mixed box that Alyson makes is a little different, so they're not exactly like those in the picture, but it has a beautiful mix of cards - Birthday cards...

 

a Sympathy card...

...a Father's Day card, a Welcome Baby card, a Valentine's Day card...

 

Something elegant and stylish for every occasion. And who doesn't want that?!

So, here's the deal. I'm going to do a good old-fashioned drawing. No Random.com this time. You have FOUR ways to get your name in the bowl.

1.  Leave a comment, telling me how very much you need this fabulous box of stationery. Or, actually, you could just tell me whatever pops into your head. Surprise me.
2. Click "Join This Site" on the Google Friend Connect thingy on the right. Then after you've done your joining, let me know you did it in your comment.
3. "Like" me on Facebook on that other little thingy on the right. Then let me know you did it in your comment.
4. Click the "Follow Me on Twitter" dealy on the right. I must admit, I'm a sporadic Tweeter. So really, following me won't clutter up your Twitter feed an inordinate amount. Then...let me know you did it in your comment.

For each of these things you do, I will put your name in the bowl. So you could have your name in there FOUR times. Cool.

Then, on Friday, that's this Friday, December 16th, I'll vlog the drawing. So you'll see the exciting moment live (on video).  I know, REALLY exciting. That was sarcasm. I really need to work on developing that sarcasm font I keep talking about.

So anyway, then I will promise to mail it to the big winner sometime before the end of the year. I really swear I will try to be prompt this time. I am a notoriously slow mailer, but I will work hard to do better.

Alrighty then. You know what you have to do. I wanna see oodles and oodles of comments! This is the time for all you lurkers to unlurk and tell me who you are!

Good luck, and Merry Christmas!

 

Spin Cycle: A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words - Part Two

This week's Spin Cycle topic is "Picture Essay".

Yesterday I showed you the picture...

 

And here's the essay...

That is...my Mama. Yep, the one with the bottle of bourbon and the mustache. The place was Chicago. The time: 1945. According to Mama, she and some friends were just having a little party in her apartment. When I asked her why it was all women, she reminded me that "the boys" were all off fighting in WWII, and the girls were left to have fun on their own. That, by the way, was one of her favorite party tricks - the mustache thing. She taught me how to do it when I was just a little girl. The bourbon thing she taught me much later.

Yes, back before my Mama reinvented herself as a church lady and bastion of Southern gentility, she had...a bit of a past. In fact, there were many bits that she never told me about, which I have now come to understand were somewhat nefarious. But out of respect for her privacy, I will only tell y'all the bits she chose to tell me about. She loved to tell a good story, but I'm not entirely sure about the veracity of her tales. There are many things that I have, since her death, come to know weren't exactly 100% true. So keep that in mind.

Mama was born in Aberdeen, South Dakota in 1923, the 5th of 7 children. They lived in a big farm house and her daddy was an attorney, and member of the South Dakota House of Representatives. Her life changed drastically when she was 10. Her mother died (of pneumonia, I think) and her father died a year later (not sure why, but Mama claimed it was from a broken heart). Seven children, the Depression. A hard time. Mama's older sister, Gladys, and her oldest brother, Frank, raised all their younger siblings. Uncle Frank once said that "some days they ate potatoes and water, and other days they ate water and potatoes.)

I don't think that Mama ever got along with her sister, Gladys. Poor Gladys was a young woman of 21 when their parents died, and she was forced to put her life on hold while she took care of all these little kids. And I think Mama was a bit of a handful. While she never really told me this directly, I am in possession of Mama's old high school yearbooks, which are FILLED with inscriptions telling her how much "fun" she was, and how much "personality and pep" she exhibited. She was a yell leader. Her senior yearbook has THREE references to a certain Prom Night, all illustrated by little drawings of bottles with "XXX" written on them, and something about "fun" in the backseat that time they all drove to Sioux Falls. Mama did tell me that Aunt Gladys refused to let her wear lipstick, so she secretly bought some and hid it in her purse, then would stop and put it on while walking to school, using a shop window as a mirror.

According to Mama, after graduating high school in Spring of 1941, she went away to college at the University of Washington, in Seattle. I am not at all sure if this is true, but she does seem to have been in Seattle at this time. I can't imagine how her family was paying for college for her, I don't think she was much of a scholar - pretty busy having all that "fun". Anyway, she claimed that Aunt Gladys had insisted on giving her a home perm before she left for Seattle, but it turned out horribly. In a fit of hysteria, she pulled out her fingernail clippers in the bathroom on her train to Seattle, and cut all her hair off into a short, but stylish bob. I like to believe this was true.

Then, on December 7, 1941, she was snow skiing with some friends, and when she got to the bottom of the mountain for lunch, everybody was screaming and crying and when she got the the lodge, they were all clustered around a radio. Pearl Harbor had been bombed. As all her brothers joined the military, she was forced to leave college.

She said that she then got a job in a factory at a shipyard in Seattle. Rosie the Riveter stuff. I asked her once what she had done exactly, and she said something vague about sorting bolts on a conveyor belt. As you can imagine, a girl with all that "personality and pep" didn't last long in such a tedious job, and she soon headed off for the big city.

Eventually, she made her way to Chicago. By herself, which I think was pretty bold and adventurous at the time. She said that she talked her way into a job as a telephone operator for a big sporting goods company in Chicago. She lied and told them she knew how to run a switchboard. Apparently, on the first day, she created a complete disaster and got all the lines switched. But instead of firing her, they promoted her to Receptionist. I told you she had "personality and pep"! She loved working there because all the young men were away fighting in the war, and the place was populated by older, "fatherly" men who looked after her. Yeah, right.

She had quite a few stories from that time. She claimed that she modeled for Marshall-Fields...

 

She claimed that she was hit on in nightclubs by both Danny Thomas and Mel Torme, but succumbed to neither of them. Danny Thomas was a married man, and Mel Torme was...short. She also claimed that she had several male friends who were gay, and she liked to go out with them because they'd take her out to a nice dinner and a movie, but didn't try to get any S-E-X.

My favorite Mama-brush-with-greatness story was about a night when she was out with her friends. According to Mama, in those days all the girls wanted to look like they could hold their liquor. So they'd drink and drink, then go into the bathroom and make themselves throw up, then go back out and drink more. Sort of alcoholic bulimia. "All the girls did it!" she claimed. So this one night, she was in a nightclub bathroom vomiting up her Mai Tais and heard the girl in the next stall doing the same. When they both came out to clean up and rinse their mouths, the girl in the next stall turned out to be...Veronica Lake.

Another of her weirder stories was about a time when she and a roommate were painting their apartment. She said she was trying to paint the ceiling, so she balanced a chair on top of the radiator, and stood on it. Of course she took a tumble, and the back of the chair rammed her between the legs. Unfortunately, she had in a tampon, and she got so swollen up that she had to go to the emergency room to have the tampon removed. I have fact checked this crazy story, and tampons were, in fact, being sold by the late 1940s - but most women still used Kotex. Maybe she was a pioneer.

Now I need to explain that these tasty little stories came out of her in drips and drabs. Most of the time, she pretended to be terribly upright and straightlaced, and then suddenly one of these tidbits would come tumbling out. Mama was a puzzle.

Interestingly, it was during this period of her life when she converted to Catholicism. Which in my mind, must have involved some serious thought and a certain amount of spiritual curiosity. But all she really said about it was that she liked being Catholic, because there was a cathedral in Chicago that held masses every hour on the hour all night Saturday night, and she could just leave the nightclubs, hit a mass at 2:00 in the morning, then go home and crash and she had fulfilled her Sunday church obligation and could sleep in.

Her life during the entire second half of the 1940s is a mystery to me. I know her sister, my Aunt Joey moved to Chicago to go to nursing school, and they lived together. But that's about it.

The last Chicago story that Mama shared was that she had been engaged to be married. To a rich boy from Long Island (ha!) named Lawrence Vincent Snyder, III. She claimed that they had even gone so far as to send out the wedding invitations, when she chickened out and ran away. She said she had a good girlfriend, Mary Jane, who had gotten married and moved to Austin, Texas, of all places, and when she ran away from Lawrence Vincent Snyder, III, she got on a train and hightailed it to Austin, because she didn't think anybody would think to look for her in such a place.

The rest, of course, is history. She met my Daddy and became upright and ladylike and a wonderful wife, homemaker and mother.

So there you go, the story of the picture. Myyearwiththemouse blew me away by guessing Chicago! And very close to the right date. But I have to give the prize to Michele, who wrote and entire, brilliant story about these partying ladies. Tell you what, Michele, when you come out to LA for that conference, I'll take you out for a drink.

Please drop by Sprite's Keeper for more spins on "Picture Essay".

Spin Cycle: A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words - Part One

Today, we're going to play a little game. It's Reader Participation Day!

The Spin Cycle topic this week is "Picture Essay". And I thought it might be fun if I provided the picture, and y'all came up with the essay. Or at least what you think might be going on in the picture.

This is one of my favorite pictures in the world...

 

It is a personal picture of mine, and one of the people in the shot is a relative. I love this picture for many reasons, mostly because it's so packed with detail, evocative of a time period and evocative of the relative.

So leave a comment and give me your best shot. Who do you think this is, and what is going on here? Who/what/where/when?

I guess I should give a prize for whoever gets the closest to the truth, but I'm afraid it might be kind of subjective, and hard to judge. Maybe if somebody really nails it I'll cough up a Starbucks gift card or something.

Anyway, come back tomorrow, and I'll tell you the real story of the picture. And knowing me and my long-windedness it may take 1000 words!

The Un Mom: Super Gretchen

Today's post is courtesy of the amazing Keely, also known as The Un Mom. Many of you may know her as the originator and host of Random Tuesday Thoughts, though she has been on hiatus for a bit now. Which makes us all sad. Not that Stacy isn't doing a fine job. But still. We miss Keely. She's HUGE in the UK, you know.

I have had the privilege of meeting and palling around with Keely at BlogHer last year. Keely, Jenni (of Oscarelli, yesterday's guest blogger), Becky (the Suburban Matron) and I hung out together for two days, and had the BEST time. In addition to being a wonderfully funny and insightful writer, and the most sarcastic Canadian that I know, Keely is a gifted graphic artist. Lucky me. You'll soon find out why I said this. You're going to be SO jealous. REALLY. You are. You are gonna pee yourselves with jealousy when you see what Keely made me. Ooooo boy are you gonna be JEALOUS.

But hold your horses! Before you can read and see Keely's post, you MUST VOTE FOR ME for Circle of Mom's Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs!

Just click on the button, then scroll down until you find Second Blooming and then click the little Thumbs Up button.

Even if you've already voted, DO IT AGAIN! You must vote every single day.

Did you do it? No.

I'm not going to let you see Keely's post until you do. SO DO IT.

Okay that's better. I will now present you with...

Super Gretchen

Gretchen asked me long before the beginning of all her camping adventures if I would guest post for her. I agreed, and then forgot, because I'm an asshole like that. But she gave me a gentle and polite reminder, with an easy out if I wanted it, because she's generous and kind even in the face of assholery. So of course I said I would.

Naturally I left it until the last minute, so I went out for a run and asked my brain what I should write about. The only idea my brain would give me was "draw Gretchen as a super hero", which just proves that my brain is also an asshole, especially when I wake it up at 5am to go running.

So I give you: The Thespian Avenger and her sidekick, Water Boy!

The Thespian Avenger is depicted with her secret weapon, a sarcastic skull named Horatio. Her symbol is a funnel cloud, because not only is she a whirlwind of activity, if you ask her nicely she'll recite a commercial she once did that features funnels. Heh.

I encourage you to come back tomorrow, because unlike when you ask me to guest post, normally there is much worth reading here.

__________________________________

Note from Gretchen: PLEASE leave a comment for Keely so you know how incredibly jealous you are. Maybe if you're nice enough to her she'll make one for you.

Hints and Help

I'm on vacation for a week. Hawaii? A cruise? Here are your hints...

1. Schlepping.
2. Bugs.
3. Pee bucket.
4. Bad food.
5. Snoring.
6. Contraband liquor.
7. Stinky men.
8. Stinky boys.
9. Stinkier men.
10. Stinkier boys.

Have you guessed where I am?

That's right! I'm camping with the Cub Scouts yet again. This time, an entire week in Lake Arrowhead, CA. Which would be a lovely destination for a vacation if one was staying in a bed and breakfast, and not a canvas tent.

And once again, some excellent blogger friends of mine have foolishly agreed to guest post. Honestly, I think they just feel sorry for me. Don't worry, you'll like them, you'll really, really like them.

In the meantime, I need to ask y'all a favor. I've nominated myself (yes, I nominated myself - please don't judge me) on Circle of Moms Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs. Some big name bloggers are in the running for this (my friend Elizabeth is at the top!) , and they have their people out in force, so I need help from all of you! And that includes all you lurkers, you know who you are. And the thing is, you can vote ONCE A DAY. So you can go back and vote for me over and over. As I'm sure you will. So, as Al Capone said "Vote early and vote often."

Just click this little button here...

Then scroll way, way down until you find Second Blooming, and click on the little Thumbs Up thingy.

Wish me luck with the camping. Come back tomorrow for surprises. And thank you for your support.

All the Answers and the Winner!

Thank you to everyone who participated in my Birthday Quiz all about ME! You have all submitted your answers. Here now, are the compelling answers you've all been waiting for...

Question #1 - When I first met Jimmy, I thought he was...

a. Steve Buscemi

b. Bruno Kirby

c. Sonny from General Hospital

d. Al Pacino

Answer #1 - b. Bruno Kirby. Interestingly, since then, we have become close friends with Bruno Kirby's father and stepmother, both lovely people. At Bruno's funeral, everybody thought Jimmy was a relative.

Question #2 - My first paid acting job was...

a. as a bra model on a cable access tv show.

b. as a saucy waitress on "Dallas".

c. as the sexy lady who farts on a commercial for a local Dallas drive-time radio deejay's commercial.

d. as Babette LaTouche in a production of "Pajama Tops".

Answer #2 - a. as a bra model on a cable access tv show. Sad, but true. While I did, in fact, appear in all four roles, the bra model gig was my very first. My daddy was so proud.

Question # 3 - Regarding the cast of Damages...which of the following things is true?

a. I've bummed a smoke off of Ted Danson.

b. I've watched Marcia Gay Harden pee.

c. I've taken a slug out of Glenn Close's beer bottle.

d. All of the above.

Answer #3 - d. All of the above. Marcia and I went to college together at the University of Texas, and at one point we were dating roommates. So we often shared a bathroom in the morning. Mmmm can you say, sluts?

Question #4 - Where have I NEVER been?

a. Israel.

b. Bulgaria.

c. Disneyland.

d. England.

Answer #4 - d. England. Which makes me terribly sad, as I've always considered myself a bit of an Anglophile.

Question #5 - Regarding the cast of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice...Which of the following is NOT true?

a. I made out with Tim Daly.

b. Amy Brenneman gave me the phone number of her fertility doctor.

c. I played Katherine Heigl's sister in a play.

d. Sandra Oh and I were in the same acting class together.

Answer # 5 - c. I never played Katherine Heigl's sister in a play. Although people often tell me I could play her sister. Her MUCH older, less attractive sister. Okay, maybe her mother. And I must admit that "made out" is a bit of an exaggeration. In truth I kissed Tim Daly a few times. It was ACTING, people. I played his girlfriend for a while on Wings. And he is rather cute. I credit Amy Brenneman with the existence of my precious child. And Sandy Oh is the nicest, friendliest person you'd ever want to know.

Question #6 - Which of the following people did I NOT work with back when they were child actors?

a. Tobey McGuire

b. Seth Green

c. Regina King

d. Giovanni Ribisi

Answer #6 - Seth Green. Never met him. The other three I worked with on my first three jobs in L.A. Tobey McGuire was a little boy in a stupid Rodney Dangerfield special, Regina King was on 227 (I did a guest spot), and Giovanni Ribisi was on My Two Dads. But then he was just a little guy named Vanni. I befriended him and he followed me around like a puppy.

Question #7 - What character did I play on Will & Grace?

a. A transvestite stripper.

b. A power-hungry advertising executive.

c. A kindly obstetrician.

d. None of the above.

Answer #7 - A transvestite stripper. For days, I rehearsed a nasty lapdance with my butt in Sean Hayes face, but luckily, the powers that be decided it was too raunchy for network television. And I have no doubt that some day this will come back to bite me in the ass, when Jude and his friends discover it in syndication. Yikes, I hope that the nun who is Jude's principal isn't a Will & Grace fan. She thinks I'm such a nice, respectable lady.

Question #8 - Match the nefarious crime which my character committed with the tv show on which it happened...

1. Murder She Wrote

2. NYPD Blue

3. Chicago Hope

4. Alien Nation 

a. As a woman with Munchausen By Proxy syndrome, I injected bleach into my young daughters kidneys.

b. I fed my future brother-in-law to the sharks because he threatened my fiance's political future.

c. I was a 70 year old woman, who killed aliens and harvested a gland from them, which, when ingested, helped me regain my youthful good looks.

d. I shot my scumbag, womanizing boyfriend because he gave me AIDS.

Answer #8 -

1. Murder She Wrote - b. brother-in-law to sharks - I got to do that great scene at the end of every MSW episode where Angela confronts the killer and manages to get them to confess.

2. NYPD Blue - d. scumbag boyfriend/AIDS

3. Chicago Hope - a. Munchausen By Proxy/bleach in kidneys

4. Alien Nation - c. old woman alien gland harvesting. - maybe my stupidest job ever.

Question #9 - I used to play poker with which of the following superstar hunks?

a. Matt Damon

b. Matthew McConaughey

c. George Clooney

d. Brad Pitt

Answer #9 - Brad Pitt. This is true. I was part of a group who played every week. Brad only came a few times. I mostly remember him as "Bill's cute friend Brad". I'm sure he would not remember me. And who else was part of that group that played poker every week? Fiddledeedee's own DeeDee!

Question #10 - If Jude had been a girl, he would have been named...

a. Margaret Caroline

b. Mary Grace

c. Elizabeth Carolina

d. Marigrace Carolina

Answer #10 - Elizabeth Carolina - Elizabeth was the "girl name" I picked out when I was little. Carolina was Mama's middle name.

Question #11 - When I played the last of the Maquis Freedom Fighters on Star Trek Deep Space Nine, which article of clothing was issued by the wardrobe department to every woman on the show?

a. a Galactic G-string.

b. a Deep Space D-cup.

c. Paramount Panties.

d. a Roddenberry Thong.

Answer #11 - b. a Deep Space D-cup - Yes, every woman in outer space has the same size boobs. The wardrobe woman told me that at some point during production of Star Trek: The Next Generation, they decided that the Star Fleet uniforms looked more...well...uniform...if everyone's breasts extended the same amount. And while it certainly seems just a wee bit sexist that they gave everyone rather large breasts, it does sort of make sense  - you can pad a smaller breast, but you can't shrink a larger breast. Hysterical.

Question #12 - Which of the following have I NOT done?

a. Peed in the next stall over from Meryl Streep.

b. Had dinner with Al Pacino.

c. Spoken on the phone to Robert DeNiro.

d. Compared handbags with Bette Midler.

Answer #12 - a. Peed in the next stall over from Meryl Streep. Which is probably a good thing. Because I would have no doubt stuck my head under the stall and tried to talk to her because I so very much want to be her BFF. When I say I had dinner with Al Pacino, I should probably say that I was at the same table as Al Pacino, and we did, in fact, eat dinner. But I don't think I said more to him than "Hello. Nice to meet you." The DeNiro thing was equally minimal. I answered the phone at a friends house, and a rather gruff voice asked to speak to my friend. It turned out to be "Bobby". Bette even wrote out the name of the handbag designer for me - like I could afford it!

And the big WINNER, with a whopping 10 correct answers is...

Brenda!

Congratulations Brenda! I will email you soon to find out where to send your fabulous new earrings.

Thank you to all the contestants. You now know far more about me than you ever wished to know!

Vlogging in My Tiara

All About Me, Me, ME!: Birthday Quiz and Giveaway

Thursday is my birthday. Hurray! I am of the firm belief that birthdays should be celebrated in a thorough and selfish manner. So on my birthday, I will wear my birthday tiara and do whatever I want to do. I will spend hours all by myself at The Grove, shopping at Anthropologie, dawdling at Barnes and Noble, trying on shoes and playing with makeup at Nordstroms. I will eat and drink anything and everything I want, because that's the deal that God makes with children born during Lent, they get to ungiveup the things they gave up for Lent for the one day of their birthday. My mother told me that, so it must be true. Maybe I'll even go to a movie by myself. Or...gasp...get a facial. Hmmm. And for dinner, we'll all go out to my favorite local Mexican place, El Cholo for margaritas and chimichangas. Ole!

Yes, it will be a day all about me, me, ME! And in order to celebrate the fact that I have survived another year on this planet, I am having another GIVEAWAY. Yes, a birthday present from me to you. The present is this lovely pair of earrings from my very favorite jewelry designer, Lauren Schaefer Green. Aren't they amazing?

Okay, that's a terrible picture...

Ugh, that's even worse. Clearly, I'm not much of a photographer. These pictures ABSOLUTELY don't do the earrings justice. Check out Lauren's website to see her gorgeous work.
 
So, how do you win this amazing gift? Simply take the following quiz about me, me, ME! Whoever gets the most correct answers wins. In case of a tie, I will give the prize to the one whose submission came in first. Warning: There is absolutely no reason for any of you to know the answers to any of these questions (they aren't hidden somewhere in my past blog posts). But feel free to guess. And be careful, they're tricky. Good luck. You'll need it.

Everyone please get out your pencil and paper and we will begin. Don't worry, it's not timed. Ready? Here we go...

Question #1 - When I first met Jimmy, I thought he was...

a. Steve Buscemi

b. Bruno Kirby

c. Sonny from General Hospital

d. Al Pacino

Question #2 - My first paid acting job was...

a. as a bra model on a cable access tv show.

b. as a saucy waitress on "Dallas".

c. as the sexy lady who farts on a commercial for a local Dallas drive-time radio deejay's commercial.

d. as Babette LaTouche in a production of "Pajama Tops".

Question # 3 - Regarding the cast of Damages...which of the following things is true?

a. I've bummed a smoke off of Ted Danson.

b. I've watched Marcia Gay Harden pee.

c. I've taken a slug out of Glenn Close's beer bottle.

d. All of the above.

Question #4 - Where have I NEVER been?

a. Israel.

b. Bulgaria.

c. Disneyland.

d. England.

Question #5 - Regarding the cast of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice...Which of the following is NOT true?

a. I made out with Tim Daly.

b. Amy Brenneman gave me the phone number of her fertility doctor.

c. I played Katherine Heigl's sister in a play.

d. Sandra Oh and I were in the same acting class together.

Question #6 - Which of the following people did I NOT work with back when they were child actors?

a. Tobey McGuire

b. Seth Green

c. Regina King

d. Giovanni Ribisi

Question #7 - What character did I play on Will and Grace?

a. A transvestite stripper.

b. A power-hungry advertising executive.

c. A kindly obstetrician.

d. None of the above.

Question #8 - Match the nefarious crime which my character committed with the tv show on which it happened...

1. Murder She Wrote

2. NYPD Blue

3. Chicago Hope

4. Alien Nation 

a. As a woman with Munchausen By Proxy syndrome, I injected bleach into my young daughters kidneys.

b. I fed my future brother-in-law to the sharks because he threatened my fiance's political future.

c. I was a 70 year old woman, who killed aliens and harvested a gland from them, which, when ingested, helped me regain my youthful good looks.

d. I shot my scumbag, womanizing boyfriend because he gave me AIDS.

Question #9 - I used to play poker with which of the following superstar hunks?

a. Matt Damon

b. Matthew McConaughey

c. George Clooney

d. Brad Pitt

Question #10 - If Jude had been a girl, he would have been named...

a. Margaret Caroline

b. Mary Grace

c. Elizabeth Carolina

d. Marigrace Carolina

Question #11 - When I played the last of the Maquis Freedom Fighters on Star Trek Deep Space Nine, which article of clothing was issued by the wardrobe department to every woman on the show?

a. a Galactic G-string.

b. a Deep Space D-cup.

c. Paramount Panties.

d. a Roddenberry Thong.

Question #12 - Which of the following have I NOT done?

a. Peed in the next stall over from Meryl Streep.

b. Had dinner with Al Pacino.

c. Spoken on the phone to Robert DeNiro.

d. Compared handbags with Bette Midler.

Submissions must be in by Thursday, March 18th (my birthday!!!), and I'll announce the correct answers and the winner on Friday.

Good luck to you all!