Second Blooming

Best of 2011

I have a sinus infection. And Jude just threw up.

That said, I don't feel inspired to write much, so as part of...

I am choosing "Prompt #1 - This year in blog posts...choose a favorite post from each month of 2011 and share."

After much hemming and hawing, these are my personal favorites from each month of 2011. If you're new here, check them out. If you're an old-timer...check them out again, because they're good!

January -

If We Were the Queen of the World - A girl can dream, right?...

We (that's the royal we, y'all) would be fair but firm. In order to benefit the lives of my many subjects, I'm afraid there will have to be a few changes made around here.

BY PROCLAMATION OF HER MAJESTY QUEEN GRETCHEN I

The following changes will be made to the rule of order of the Planet Earth, effective immediately.

1. The muffin top is the new erogenous zone...

READ THE REST HERE.

February -  

Most Surreal Parenting Moment Thus Far - The one in which my poor child is faced with seeing his father...in drag...

Jimmy and I are both members of The Actor's Studio. Yes, the "world-renowned" Actor's Studio, as they say. The place founded in the forties by acting teacher guru Lee Strasberg, the birthplace of "The Method",  training ground to Marlon Brando, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Robert De Niro, Jane Fonda, Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman, Harvey Keitel, Paul Newman,  Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Geraldine Page, Sidney Poitier, Mickey Rourke and Christopher Walken . The home of "Inside the Actor's Studio". Yes, we are...da, da, da, dum...method actors...

READ THE REST HERE.

March - 

Picky, Picky, Picky - My kid's dreadful eating habits exposed...

My child will eat the following foods:

• pancakes
• french toast
• blueberry muffins
• whole wheat bread
• white bread
• good, crusty bread
• rolls
• pumpkin bread
• raisin bread
• flour tortillas...

READ THE REST HERE.

April -

The Uniform - The sad, sad state of my wardrobe...

Sometimes, I just don't know what has become of me.

Black yoga pants and a black hooded long-sleeved shirt.

This is what I have been wearing about 4 out of 7 days a week.

And don't misunderstand. This is not an attractive outfit. It is simply...comfortable...

READ THE REST HERE.

May -

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood - Murdering gang bangers are found and arrested while hiding under our house. Oh yes, it's true. Life in Los Angeles, baby...

On Friday, Jude and I were having a quiet afternoon at home.

I had just let Jude buy a new game for his DSi as a reward for letting me drag him around during the last day of his Spring Break to the hardware store, the drug store AND the Target, and he was sitting happily in the corner of the living room playing away.

I decided to use the time to make some progress on my ongoing bedroom redecorating, and spray paint a curtain rod.

So I grabbed some newspaper, the old curtain rod and the spray paint and went out the back door and around to the side of the house. As I was spreading out the newspaper and shaking my little spray paint can, I suddenly realized that a helicopter was hovering above me.

Now, helicopters aren't uncommon in the Greater Los Angeles area. But when I looked up, I realized that it was an LAPD helicopter, and it was hovering really close to the ground. Really close to the ground, and circling around. Really close to the ground and circling around...me, to be specific...

READ THE REST HERE.

June - Okay, I'm cheating here - I can't decide, so I'm giving you two...

Alienated - My mediocre career as a space alien...

When I first read that the Spin Cycle topic this week was "UFOs", I must admit, I was stumped. Disappointingly, I have never encountered a UFO, no matter how much I wished it.

But then I realized that while I have never met an alien, I have BEEN an alien. Yes, during my long and incredibly mediocre acting career, I have encountered aliens twice. And in rummaging through my old photo albums, I have actually unearthed photographic evidence...

READ THE REST HERE.

The Vibe - My attempts at decorating while living with a husband who has "opinions"...

Jimmy has opinions.

Damn him.

Most husbands have the sense to defer to their wives in all matters involving design, decorating and aesthetics. When it comes time to redecorate, the couple may discuss their mutual needs, and the wife might offer fabric swatches or paint chips, just so the husband feels slightly involved, but for the most part, the wife makes all the choices. Most husbands are happy with this arrangement.

But not Jimmy...

READ THE REST HERE.

July -

Camp Mama 2011 Week Six: Sisters - Our little, testosterone-heavy household is invaded by GIRLS...

As a thank you gift to my friends Lynn and Darren for hosting my 50th birthday party in their home, we took their two precious daughters, Julianna, 7, and Isabella, 4 for three days. In the past 7 years, Lynn and Darren have been away from the girls exactly...NEVER. Not ever. And when I suggested the idea to Lynn, she jumped at it so fast it made my head spin!...

READ THE REST HERE.

August -

Conversations with Mommy and Pop Part 1 - Visiting the in-laws in New York...

FADE IN:

The family is gathered around the dining room table eating dinner. Mommy has made pasta. Jude, who Mommy thinks isn’t fat enough, has already eaten one enormous bowl of pasta and about 4 slices of Italian bread soaked in sauce.

Jude

I’m done.

Mommy

But you barely ate any of your second bowl of pasta.

Jude

But I don’t want any more. I want ice cream.

Mommy

Oh no, you can’t have ice cream if you don’t eat more of your pasta. It’s not balanced...

READ THE REST HERE.

September -

The One Who Got Away -Regrets? I've had a few. But then again, to few to mention...

The other day, I was talking to my mother-in-law Mommy, and she was all atwitter.

It seems that they had gone to a funeral, a military funeral for an ex-marine, where they draped the coffin with an American flag. According to Mommy, this "brought to mind" an old friend of hers, who she hadn't seen since the '40s, who had been a Marine...

READ THE REST HERE.

October -

LA Noir - My crazy trek across Los Angeles in search of murder...

It was a cloudy day in the City of Angels. The kind of morning that made you want to pour an extra shot of bourbon in your joe so you could face the day.

I looked at my face in the mirror and cringed. Bad night. Hot flashes. I splashed some water on my mug and headed on my way. I had a job to do. Some gumshoe work.

Armed only with my iPhone and a pair of mom jeans, I jumped into my stealthy Prius and started on my quest. My quest for...murder...

READ THE REST HERE.

November -

Dear Period -A love letter...of sorts...

Dear Period,

I fear that over the last few years our relationship has changed dramatically, that things between us have become increasingly uncomfortable and strained, and I know that soon you will leave me forever. Before we move into the next and final phase of our relationship, I'd like to take this opportunity to express my feelings, and hopefully, clear the air a bit...

READ THE REST HERE.

December -

5 Christmas Tips From Mommy - My beloved, eccentric mother-in-law's tips for the season...

For those of you new to Second Blooming, Mommy is my much beloved, 82-year old Brooklyn Italian-American mother-in-law. Mommy is a bundle of love and neuroses. Mommy's turn-ons are cleaning, chocolate, General Hospital, slutty tank tops, the Blessed Mother, blackberry brandy, flashy jewelry, sunbathing, talking to her girlfriends on the phone (all of whom are named Cathy) and her children/grandson. Her turn-offs include germs, bugs, lightning, elevators, bras, logic, "The City", all the scary things she hears about on The Today Show and often...Pop. Picture Edith Bunker with brassy hair and a top purchased from the Victoria's Secret catalogue. I adore her...

READ THE REST HERE.

 

Camp Mama 2011: The Wrap-up

Camp Mama 2011 has officially come to a close. I feel that despite the fact that the child ended up in both an infirmary...

 

and an emergency room...

 

...the summer went fairly well. Don't you?

And it was fast, wasn't it? Is it like that for everybody? One week you're wondering how the hell you're going to entertain your kid for the whole long, grueling summer and the next week they're off to Third Grade in their brand spanking new school uniform. Brand spanking new because Jude suddenly and drastically outgrew ALL of his old uniforms. Ergh.

 

So...my summer, in brief. Hmmm. I think it's time for some bullet points...

• The token rewards program was mostly successful. It actually got Jude to do something with his life beyond whining that he wanted to watch the stupid television. He actually did some reading, and finished about half of his Summer Bridge Activities book. The Summer Bridge Activities book has become something of a joke between us. Now, every time he starts to whine that he's bored and has nothing to do, I suggest he could always do a couple of pages in his Summer Bridge Activities book, and he screams "Noooooooo!!!" rather dramatically and runs from the room.
• I have now officially had enough of the camping. Enough. Of. The. Camping. That said...we have another Cub Scout campout on September 10.
• I have now officially NOT had enough of all those high-brow British TV shows I've been obsessively watching on Netflix. I just can't get enough of those sexy Brits. I stopped sharing my favorites with y'all because I kind of started to worry that you'd think I'd lost my mind. Over the last couple of months, I've watched every single episode of - "Sherlock", "Luther", "Collision", "Place of Execution", "The Last Enemy" and "Jekyll", and I'm on Episode 4 of "George Gently". Too much? You think? Nah!
• Last Friday, I FINALLY made it to a Beach Friday! Woot! As many of you may remember from summers past, Beach Friday is the standing beach date that Jude and I look forward to every year – about 20 moms and 40 kids who always meet at the same beach at the same time every Friday throughout the summer. But through a series of strange twists of fate (camping, New York, working commercial jobs, child with stitches across his face) I had missed them ALL (though Jude had gone a couple of times, in the company of friends) until last week. What fun! Man, I had missed this group. Especially now that Jude is “Water Boy” and will just hang out and boogie board with his friends, and I don’t have to worry about him too much. I can just sit and sun myself and gossip. Nice. We’ll have one last Beach Friday this week and I’m DETERMINED for us to be there.
• I have been told that I now have a tan. As in “Wow, look at you! You’re all tan!” Isn’t that wacky? I haven’t had an actual, REAL tan since about 1991, or whenever it was decided that the sun ages you. Notice that my motivation for avoiding the sun was not CANCER, but fear of wrinkles. And I must admit that I’m not really very tan, just more tan than my usual pasty self.
• Jude’s best playdate of the summer? Last week, he had his friend A.J. over. After playing their way through all the games on the Wii, they finally decided they were bored of it and went outside to play. Let me repeat myself, in a slightly louder voice. THEY GOT BORED OF THE WII AND CHOSE TO PLAY OUTSIDE. This is a previously unheard of phenomenon. It was a hot day. After a while, they ran in the house, started laughing hysterically, peeled all of their clothes off, ran back out into the backyard and started jumping naked on the trampoline. I, rather subversively, snuck outside, attached the sprayer nozzle to the hose, and blasted them with water. They went crazy. They were jumping. They were wet and muddy. They were naked. It was like Woodstock. After A.J. left, Jude turned to me and breathlessly stated "Best. Playdate. Ever."
• Even after all that hiking at Cub Scout Camp, even after all those pilates classes, I didn’t lose ANY weight all summer. Maybe next year I’ll make it into that bikini. NOT.

Okay, so that’s what I did during my summer vacation. And since that just happens to be the theme of the Spin Cycle this week…

 

PLEASE run on over to Sprite's Keeper to find out how everybody else spent their summer vacations.

Camp Mama 2011 Week Nine: The News From the East

First of all, I just say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who continued to put up with my constant nagging and pathetic and shameless self-promotion because I made the top 10 in Circle of Moms Top 25 So Cal Mom Blogs!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Aren't you glad that's over with?!

That said...

Jude and I have now been with the in-laws in New York for 4 days, and here is the news thusfar:

• I lost Mommy at the Waldbaums. It was only for about 20 minutes, but it sort of freaked me out. The Waldbaums is the grocery store that Mommy frequents. It's not the grocery store I prefer, as it never has any of the "gourmet" foods that I am looking for, and is full of very old Italian ladies hunting for the best deals on chopped meat and tomato sauce. I drove Mommy there for a quick shop since Mommy doesn't drive. Have I ever mentioned that? Mommy has lived in the suburbs of Long Island for 45 years, but has never learned how to drive a car. It's stunning. And it makes me a little sad for her, as she's always dependent on her friends to take her places, and I'm afraid all her friends are...dying. Yikes. Anyway, we went to the Waldbaums because she wanted me to make dinner for everybody (NOTE: Yes, on the second day of my "vacation" I was asked to do the cooking. Sigh...), and she likes the way I make "the fish" so we went to buy tilapia ("It's a good fish.") and capers. We each got our own carts, because we always bicker over who's going to pay (she always wins) and at some point, I followed a store employee off in search of the hard to locate Arborio rice (I wanted to make risotto - and Arborio is one of those hard to find items) and when I turned around, she was gone. I started wandering around in search of her, and I swear I circled the entire circumference of the Waldbaums at least 3 times. At one point, a store employee asked me if I needed help (I must have been looking a little frantic) and I told her I'd lost my mother-in-law. When she asked what she looked like I said "She's a little old lady wearing a slutty, hot pink tank top." She stared mouth agape. I finally found Mommy, deep in thought in the fish department, and all was well.
• Pop loves his music. He's got a huge CD collection, and he listens to it at airplane decibels. The first time this week that I borrowed Pop's car, I got in and the sterio blasted...  

and the next time, it was...

 

I mean, if some Hollywood music director had been paid a fortune to select music for the soundtrack of Pop's life, he couldn't have done better than this!

• Jude told Pop what we've all been thinking for 40 years. We all loaded into the car to go to the Oconee Diner (a family favorite for a big hearty breakfast). I was driving, as usual, and suddenly from the backseat Jude piped up "Grandpa,  your cologne smells bad." "Jude!" I said "That's not a nice thing to say to Grandpa." To this Jude replied "I know, but really, it's too much." Mommy, Aunt Grace and I couldn't stop giggling. Pop was not pleased. For an entire post I devoted to the Eau de Pop, please click here.
• Another day, another waterpark. This time we went to Splish Splash Waterpark, here on Long Island. I am happy to report that this week, we didn't end up in the emergency room. Though Jude did manage to get in trouble in the giant wave pool, or what I like to call Urinetown. Hmmm...who was it who crossed the floating barrier into the deepest end, where no one is supposed to go? Was it the large gang of frightening young men, who were certainly on some kind of recreational outing from their wayward youth facility? No. Was it the group of snot-nosed teenagers who were spitting water at each other? No. It was my 8-year old child. Sigh. As it was a rather crowded day at Splish Splash, we spent a great deal of time waiting in lines. Which means that I spent another day reading strangers scantily clad bodies for entertainment. Some stand-out tattoos - 1. One young man had chosen to write the words "Fuck your life" in bold, florid writing across his chest. I kept trying to think of some possible situation in which the words "Fuck your life" could be a touching and meaningful phrase to emblazon across ones chest. The last words of a beloved grandmother? 2. One middle-aged man with a GINORMOUS beer gut, had "Michelle" tattood across his stomach. Or I should say, that apparently, when the name was tattooed on his stomach, it said "Michelle". Now it says "Mmmmmiiiiiiccccchhhheeeelllllllllleee". Sad. 3. Note to the (maximum) 14-year old girl with one arm tattooed with a full sleeve of a leopard skin print: WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR MOTHER? 4. One young fellow had "Obey the Bitch" printed across his chest, and when I first looked at it I thought "Oh dear God" then I thought about it a second and I thought "Well...good advice to self." 5. No middle-aged woman should EVER allow the world to know that she has either a tattoo of a 6-inch Precious Moments doll on her calf, OR a tramp stamp spelling out the words "Brown Passion".
• Jude has finally rebelled about the state of the beds at Mommy's. I've mentioned (repeatedly) the dire sleeping situation around here. I've been forcing him to sleep on "The Slab" because...well...he's EIGHT for God's sake. (Read more about the beds and their nicknames here.) But last night, he couldn't fall asleep, and I swear the poor kid was practically in tears. "It's just the most uncomfortable bed I've ever slept in Mom!" So tonight, I dragged the mattress off the trundle bed, and put it...oh you don't want to hear the details, suffice it to say that I made it more comfortable. I haven't shown Mommy yet, I fear she'll have her feelings hurt. But it's time somebody told her the truth!

Okay, that's the weekly update. I'll leave you with a cute picture of Jude and (his New York girlfriend, but he gets mad when I say that) Mia. More updates to come...

 

Camp Mama 2011 Week Eight: Well That Was Unexpected

I fear that blogging has warped my priorities in life.

Yesterday morning, Jude and I set out for a day at Raging Waters Water Park.  We are now, after all...

 

...(thank you Keely) and Water Boy loves him some Water Parks.

All morning, as we made our way from one back-breaking, brain-rattling water ride to another, I kept thinking "Hmmm. How am I going to write yet another post about Jude and my endless adventures at stupid amusement/water parks without driving my precious readers crazy. They must be extremely tired of listening to me whine endlessly about exhaustion, sunburn and bruises."

And then, something unexpected happened.

We had decided to relax a bit in the "kiddie area", a place called Splash Island Adventure. After flinging ourselves down a small water slide over, and over, and over (and over), I decided to wait at the bottom of the slide, under the giant water-spewing mushroom, while Jude continued with the fun.

I saw him at the top of the slide. He waved at me gaily.

The next thing I knew, he was at the bottom of the slide, trying to stand up, with blood gushing down his face.

Yes, the child had decided to perform some kind of dare-devilish stunt, and swung on some bar he wasn't supposed to swing on, and managed to whack himself on the water slide on his way down with enough force to slice a HUGE gash across his forehead.

My next thoughts were:

1. OH MY GOD MY CHILD!!!!!!!!
2. Oh please dear God, don't let him have brain damage!
3. Oh please dear God, don't let this scar his beautiful face!
4. Gee, this will make a much more interesting blog post about Raging Waters.

So you see how I may be worrying about this priorities thing. But anyway...

The lifeguards/first aid staff at Raging Waters really were terrific. Within about a minute, 8 people were crowded around him, brandishing their rubber gloves and gauze. I realize that this is what they've been living for all summer. They whisked us up to the First Aid building, where they quickly realized that it was a HUGE GASH, that looked like a giant hole in my child's head, and exposed several deep layers of epidermis. They quickly stopped the bleeding, applied butterfly bandages and gave me directions to the closest hospital.

 

And after 8 stitches, Water Boy now looks like...

 

...Frankenboy. The nurses tried to convince him that he would be just like Harry Potter, with a cool scar. I think he about halfway believes them. He's definitely interested in showing his stitches to all his friends from school. A badge of honor, I guess.

The highlight of the day was on the way home in the car, when I called Mommy in New York to share the events of the day. After she managed to stop hyperventilating, and downed a couple of medicinal scotches, she told me the following story. Remember to read Mommy in the voice of Edith Bunker...

"I'll never forget when I hit my head and had to go to the hospital. We was at a wedding, and it was the hottest day of the year. Just terrible. And all they had to eat was those little finger foods, and all they had to drink was champagne. You couldn't even get a soda. So I was crocked. And then Rose says 'Everybody come back to my house! I've got the pool!' so we we all went back to Rose's. And I was gonna get in the pool, even though I don't swim, you know, I thought that if I just put my feet in then that would be nice, but I slipped and fell down and hit my head, right on the side of the pool. And everybody says 'Mary, Mary, are you okay?' and I'm telling you, I didn't even remember that I'd been at a wedding! I was that stunad! [Editors Note: stunad (pronounced - stoonahd) is an Italian-American slang word which means "spacy" or "out of it"] And I as crocked. But Steve had already gone home, so they called the house to tell him 'Come get Mary and take her to the hospital!', but my mother-in-law was there, watching the boys, and she says 'No! I won't wake him up, he's got to work tomorrow. She's just drunk. Give her some tomato juice and she'll be fine.' Even though I had blood gushing down my face. My mother-in-law! I tell you, she was some piece of work." 

So that's my more-exciting-than-I-expected Camp Mama for the week. I'm glad to say that Jude's stitches will come out next Monday, before we fly to New York to visit Mommy in person. But I'm sure she'll be able to sympathize with the kid, and make him feel better in a way only grandmas can.

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Oh, and if you're still here, PLEASE ONCE AGAIN, vote for me for Circle of Moms Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs! And thank you for putting up with my shameless self-promotion.

 

Camp Mama 2011 Week Seven: How I Survived Summer Camp

I have survived Cub Scout Camp. In the car, on the way home on Saturday, I became convinced that a spider had laid her eggs in my hair. But upon further inspection, I don't believe this to be true. I am, therefore, mostly unscathed...

I trudged. And trudged and trudged and trudged. We estimated that the distance from our campsite to the mess hall was about a mile. Uphill. So that means that we trudged a minimum of six miles a day. And that's not counting the endless trudging to all the activities. I think I've lost a little weight. Despite the fact that...

I ate a tremendous amount of extremely mediocre food. Though I would rate the food in the mess hall slightly below your average elementary school cafeteria, I managed to gorge myself at every meal.  I feel that this was due to all the trudging. And maybe all the fresh mountain air.

I made our little tent as homey as possible.

 

And yes, that is a blowup mattress, sheets, comforter and 4 pillows. And yes, that is a throw rug. Don't judge me. One of the dads said all I needed was a hand-cranked Victrola, and I'd be like Meryl Streep in "Out of Africa". A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. And believe me, all those little boys were crazy jealous of Jude's cushy quarters, and kept trying to wheedle their way in there with us.

I seem to have gotten a tan. I didn't know this for the entire week we were camping, as there are no mirrors in Cub Scout bathrooms. Which is a very good thing. Occasionally, I would catch a glimpse of a reflection of myself in a random window, and would shudder with horror. It is no wonder the dads now consider me one of the guys. And along those lines...

I got dirty. I would say that the phrase "Stink, stank, stunk." applied to me. I was dirty for two reasons. The first would be...

 

Dirt. It's everywhere at this place. And if you happen to be trudging behind a pack of trudging Cub Scouts,  great clouds of it is thrown up in their wake, and it settles in your hair and your eyes and your ears and your nostrils. By the end of the day, it would work itself between my toes, despite the fact that I was wearing sneakers and socks. The other reason I was dirty is that I didn't take a bath. Well, that's not entirely true. I took exactly 2 showers in the entire week. Jude? Nada. No bath, no shower. Nice.                                                     

I managed to get some stuff done. Though Jenni and Keely helped me out by writing blog posts for me, I still had to do my weird Social Media Managing job. The first day, after much finagling, I convinced the strange man who runs the camp commissary into letting me use his WiFi. Unfortunately, in order to use it, I had to follow him to his "private quarters" in a small metal corner room of the large metal commissary. Creepy. After that, I decided to just head into town to the local McDonalds. This ended up being a good choice for two reasons - 1. I got a large, nonfat, iced vanilla latte every day. And 2. I got to use the restroom there. You see, the closest bathroom to our tent was a fair distance. And not particularly private. And usually had a puddle of small boy urine around it's base. And I'm afraid I tend to be a bit...how do I put this delicately...shit shy. So I found it much more pleasant to do my business at the McDonalds. When one finds the public bathroom at the McDonalds to be the height of cleanliness and privacy, it's clear that the axis of ones world has shifted slightly.

I got to know some kind nurses. I'm afraid that in the middle of our second night at camp, Jude developed a terrible fever, and ended up in the camp infirmary for a day and a half. Poor little man. His nurses, Shotzy and Hawkeye (everybody in the place has a "camp name"), both retired RNs who work there every summer, were really lovely, and let me hang out there with him the whole time. In the metal folding chair. They set Jude up in an old Army hospital bed, that I'm sure was leftover from WWII, and let him watch most of Shotzy's DVD collection. While burning up with a mysterious viruslike fever for a day, the kid managed to watch - "Transformers", "The Spy Next Door", "Diary of a Wimpy Kid", "The Goonies", "Tron: Legacy", "Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone", "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" and "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I". Whew.

 

At noon on the second day, the fever suddenly lifted, and Shotzy and Hawkeye declared him healed, and sent him back to the fun.

I endured a certain amount of whining. Jude, I'm afraid, vacillated back and forth the entire time about whether he was enjoying himself or not. I think that a whole week is a bit long for a little guy - these boys are kept REALLY busy. And it was hot and exhausting. When he was enjoying himself, he was having a BLAST. But then he'd kind of crash, and want to go home. I have no doubt that the virus floating around inside him contributed to this whininess. I feel that on the whole, he had a positive time because...

I got to do a ton of cool boy stuff. Canoeing...

 

BMX biking...

 

Bouldering...

 

Whittling...

 

The cutest little Color Guard you've ever seen...

 

And best of all?...

 

A genuine-D Red Ryder bb gun, y'all. And they let moms shoot too...

 

Yep, that's a bullseye, baby. Please excuse the terrible iPhone photograph, but take note of the horrifying state of filth that is my thumbnail.

I experienced Dude Nirvana. On the way home, the dads convinced me to stop with them at something called the Bass Pro Shop Outdoor World, a sporting goods store roughly the size of the Astrodome. Inside it we found ATVs and boats...

 
 

 ...and every kind of man/boy thing you would EVER want to find. I did find something intriguing in the camping department. Something that would solve many of my camping problems...

 

But the dads teased me out of purchasing it. I have discovered, however, that it is available online...

I enjoyed me some boys. ALL of the little boys in our pack are absolutely darling. Really sweet, lovely little boys, each with their own special charms. And ALL of the staff/counselors were wonderful as well. Especially after Jude was sick. Energy, Mumbles and Twinkie all took time during their rest periods to get Jude caught up on all his beltloops and pins. A great bunch of teenagers who really cared for the littler boys.

 

I enjoyed me some dads. All 4 of the dads from our pack are truly wonderful men. Solid, easy-going, funny, wonderful fathers, tremendous integrity. A pleasure to be with. I adore them all. If they are an example of the men that scouting produces, I believe I have Jude in the right place. Oh, and they shared their contraband liquor.

I got a cup. 

 

They were handed out as a thank you to all the adult Camp Leaders (again, apologies for the bad iPhone picture). Now, as the dads kept reminding me, I'm not really a true Camp Leader until I commit to...dum, dum, dum, duuuum...a uniform. Unfortunately, the uniforms are ugly. No, let me define them more clearly. Butt ugly. Here, judge for yourself...

 

 

 

EEEEK! Horrors! I'm sorry, but no woman could look even mildly attractive in high-wasted, belted trousers with the shirt tucked in, unless they have a 20 inch waist. Which I...do not. And knee socks? Mmmm...I think not. Maybe if I cut the culottes off into a little mini skirt, and wore the shirt pulled out, unbuttoned and belted on the outside, with a cute tank top underneath? I fear this would not be considered regulation.

I got the best compliment I've ever received in my life. On our last morning, as Jude and I were lugging our big plastic bin filled with camping equipment to the car, Jude said to me "You're a strong woman, Mom." "Thank you sweetie." "You're strong and kind and generous and pretty and all sorts of other things." "Thank you baby." Sniff.

Doesn't that make it all worth it?

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And don't forget to once again vote for me for Circle of Moms Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs! Don't forget you can vote every day! Thanks SO much!

 

Camp Mama 2011 Week Six: Sisters

This week, our small, testosterone heavy family was turned upside down by the arrival of...

 

GIRLS!!!!!

As a thank you gift to my friends Lynn and Darren for hosting my 50th birthday party in their home, we took their two precious daughters, Julianna, 7, and Isabella, 4 for three days. In the past 7 years, Lynn and Darren have been away from the girls exactly...NEVER. Not ever. And when I suggested the idea to Lynn, she jumped at it so fast it made my head spin!

Lynn booked them two nights in Vegas, baby - Celebrity Spa Suite at the Luxor. Lynn, despite her nice church choir girl exterior, is in fact, a poker-crazy gambling fiend. And I say that with great love. But the woman loves her poker. So with dreams of poker tournaments, all-you-can-eat buffets, spa packages and NO CHILDREN, they dropped the girls off at our house on Monday morning, and hit the road.

Now you have to understand that Julianna and Isabella have always been the closest thing to sisters that Jude has. They've known each other all of their lives. Lynn and I joke that they will always be each others backup prom dates. To Jude, they are the perfect girls, because they basically seem to be totally happy just following Jude around watching him do stuff. Which is basically what we did for the entire time. Julianna actually begged to be allowed to just sit and watch Jude play video games - clearly she's his perfect woman.

 

Julianna is the smarty-pants, sort of the Hermione of the group. She's extremely smart, and likes to tell you all the things she knows. She seems to think Jude can do no wrong. She's always saying things like "Oh my goodness, Jude, you're HILARIOUS!" or "Oh my goodness, Jude, you're SO good at that!" She has many theories about the way things work, many of which are...iffy. But no matter how much Jude would call her on these theories, she never backed down.

FADE IN:

Jude, Julianna and Isabella are squished together into the backseat of the Prius. Isabella's carseat takes up most of the room, much to Jude's annoyance. Gretchen is at the wheel.They are driving by Silver Lake.

JULIANNA

It's a VERY large lake.

JUDE

No it's not.

JULIANNA

Yes it is. It's VERY large.

JUDE

I've seen WAY bigger lakes than this.

JULIANNA

It's large. It's maybe even a pond.

JUDE

(huh?)

A pond is smaller than a lake.

JULIANNA

No it's not. A pond's very large.

JUDE

No it's not.

JULIANNA

Yes it is.

JUDE

No it's not.

JULIANNA

Yes it is.

The bickering continued until Jude screames "MOM!"

FADE OUT.

Isabella, the little one, is possibly, the cutest little child on the planet Earth. She is always busy, always smiling, always sees the sunny side, and has the cutest little teeny cutey-patootey voice. She's practically, a cartoon character. But she is also...an instigator. She has a funny sense of humor, and loves to make trouble. She teases Jude constantly, and totally knows how to get his goat.

FADE IN:

Jude, Julianna and Isabella are squished together in the backseat of the Prius. Jude is once again, crushed by Isabella's carseat. Gretchen drives.

JUDE

(to Isabella)

Dude! Can't you lean the other way? You're squishing me.

ISABELLA

Okay.

(beat, impish smile)

Dude.

JUDE

You're still squishing me. And don't call me dude.

ISABELLA

Sorry.

(beat)

Dude.

JUDE

Mom! Isabella keeps calling me dude!

GRETCHEN

Well, you keep calling her dude.

JUDE

Yeah, but I can call her dude. It's my catchphrase.

GRETCHEN

Your catchphrase?

JUDE

Yeah. My catchphrase. It's what I say. You know, like..."dude".

JULIANNA

Yeah. It's his catchphrase.

ISABELLA

Okay.

(beat) 

Dude.

JUDE

Stop calling me dude!

JULIANNA

Isabella! Stop calling Jude dude! He doesn't like it. It's his catchphrase.

ISABELLA

Okay.

They drive on in peaceful silence for a while.

ISABELLA

Dude.

FADE OUT.

 

FADE IN:

Jude, Julianna and Isabella are squished together in the backseat of the Prius. Isabella is singing.

ISABELLA

(singing)

This old man, he played one, he played knick-knack nanna

panna thumb...

JUDE

(rolling his eyes)

That's not how it goes.

JULIANNA

That's NOT how it goes Isabella.

JUDE

That doesn't even make sense!

JULIANNA

It doesn't even make sense! It goes like this

(singing) This old man, he played one,

he played knick-knack on his thumb.

JUDE

Yeah. That makes a LOT more sense.

ISABELLA

(smiling, undaunted, singing)

With a knick-knack paddy-whack give the dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home.

JUDE

That's just weird. Why would an old man go rolling home?

JULIANNA

It's just weird!

Isabella continues singing, ignoring her critics.

FADE OUT.

Both of these girls are truly, genuinely lovely children. And I'm not just saying that because their parents will read this. They are smart and kind and good listeners and easy-going and well-mannered and sweet, sweet, sweet. So if I was going to suddenly add two extra children to our family, these are the two to add. And despite the fact that they tortured Jude, he really LOVED having them around. And bless their hearts, they endured being dragged around by me to all of our activities - Jude's swim practice, Jude's tennis lesson, my auditions, and on Wednesday, a THREE hour wardrobe fitting for a Walmart commercial I booked (sneaked that in on you, didn't I?). For three hours they sat there playing, as good as gold, while I tried on endless clothes from Walmart. Nobody there could believe how good they were.

But I'm telling you...one child VS three children? HUGE difference. Good Lord. How do you people do it? All of you with three children, HOW? And girls? Egad. They never stop talking. Ever. And they want you to paint their nails and stuff. And they change clothes all the time. They're very particular and careful about their clothes. I'm so used to Jude just putting on the first thing he sees in his drawer. On the first night, Isabella told me she hadn't brought a nightgown to wear to bed. So I got her one of Jude's t-shirts to wear. It looked so outrageously cute on her I couldn't stand it. The second night, she asked if she could wear one of Jude's pajama tops. Again...TOO cute. Then on the last night, she suddenly comes in wearing pajamas. "Where did you get those, Isabella? I thought you had forgotten your pajamas." "I was saving them for the last night." HAH!

And the hair! Oh dear God, the hair! Both of these girls have a LOT of long, super curly hair. Every night after their bath, I had to slather their hair with detangler, brush out all the rats nests, blow it dry, then pull it all back into a tight braid. I don't know how Lynn does this every night.

 
 

On the last night they spent the night, Jimmy came in and crawled into bed.

"You know" he said "I was walking through the house earlier, and they were all running around in their little pajamas, laughing. And I suddenly thought, just for a second...that it would be nice to..." And he stopped.

"To have a house full of kids." I finished.

"Yeah." He leaned back in bed, wistful. "But I only thought it for a second."

 

Yeah. It was really cool to have all these sweet little kids running around. Hard. But cool. If only we had been a little more blessed.

But maybe we'll get more chances to enjoy a full house.

FADE IN:

A sleepy Jude, Julianna and Isabella are squished together in the back of the Prius. They are driving back home after the THREE hour wardrobe fitting. An exhausted Gretchen drives.

JULIANNA

Gretchen?

GRETCHEN

Yes, Julianna.

JULIANNA

Jude's my best friend.

JUDE

(surprised)

I am?

JULIANNA

Yes. I've known you since I was just only a couple of days old!

And now that we've had our very first sleepover with Jude, next

time, my Mom and Dad can go away to HAWAII. For a whole week.

They would like that. And we can stay with you. If they go to Hawaii,

my Mom will need to bring a life jacket. Because she doesn't know

how to swim. And they have volcanos in Hawaii. Lots of volcanos. And

sometimes the volcanos erupt. And if one erupted, my Mom might get

washed into the ocean, so she'd need the life jacket...

JUDE

(interupting Julianna's monologue)

If they come for a week, we're gonna need a bigger car.

FADE OUT.

Camp Mama 2011 Week Five: Mmmm...

...I got nothing.

This week we've done pretty much nothing. Well that's not true. We've done some things. But nothing of note. Remember last week's UBER busy audition/work thing?

Yeah, not a trend. Just a fluke. Had two auditions all week. Sad.

And since none of the events of the week merit their own post, I will attempt to sum things up with bullet points. You know I love my bullet points...

• Jude was at Vacation Bible School with the Presbyterians all week. Much fun was had by all, though apparently, everybody Jude's age was bummed because this is the year they move up into the "Blue Group", which means they no longer get to watch the puppet show. I have no idea what this means, or why this is, but apparently it is a bad thing.
• Only had to endure one night during which the Presbyterians subtly tried to convert me (also known as the Pot Luck Dinner). Jude et al sang lots of songs about Jesus complete with enthusiastic hand gestures.
• Strangely, Corky St. Clair seems to be the songleader at at the Vacation Bible School. Can we say "Marcus Bachmann"?
• I got the "pool" all set up for fun summer play, but now, suddenly, the "pool" filter pump has conked out. According the the internet, this is not an uncommon thing. I really need to order that new pump. The "pool" water is turning an unhealthy shade of green.
• The hot water heater also conked out this week. Had to boil water for baths. Felt very Ma Ingalls.
• I have a love/hate relationship with our plumber. I hate him because he is grossly overpriced. I love him because he's really nice and keeps dropping by unannounced to give Jude presents. He seems to think he's a funny kid. So far, he's given him a plumbers t-shirt, a Darth Vader helmet/voice changer (used - his daughter outgrew it - these things go for $75!) and a fancy schmancy boogie board (also handed down from his daughter).
• Also had to have the furnace man out this week (money is literally spilling through my fingers). Though we don't have air conditioning, Jimmy likes to turn the furnace fan on during the summer to just circulate the air around. Suddenly, the entire house started smelling like a combination of Mommy's basement and a kitty litter box. The reason? The air vent from the furnace had falled off and was just taking in random basement air. We have one of those weird "California basements" which is very small and open to the crawlspace under the house. Hence the kitty litter smell - the neighbor cats crawl under the house to do their business.
• Got my car back from the body shop!! All better now. Still haven't located Chi, but his insurance has decide to pay for things based on the chain of emails he sent me.
• Sadly, through the replacement of my bumper, I have lost my "ObamaMama" bumper sticker.
• Pilates - Check.

Okay. That's it. Hope your week has been more eventful than mine.

I assure you next week will be hopping. But you'll have to wait to hear all about that. I'll give you one hint - girls.

 

Camp Mama 2011 Week Four: NDA

For the past two years, the commercial acting world has been in a pitiful slump. The number of commercials shot, and therefore the number of auditions I go on, have been down by probably half. Blame the economy, I guess. But while I used to average 8 or 10 auditions a week, lately, I'm lucky if I have 4. It's been pathetic. And extremely worrisome.

But suddenly, this week, things exploded. I had 2 or 3 a day. Commercial casting offices were hopping. I'm praying that this is a turnaround for our economy, and not just a fluke, that folks are suddenly more willing to invest in advertising.

This meant that Jude spent most of the week driving around with me to auditions. NOT his favorite thing to do.

But thankfully, I booked a commercial, which I shot on Friday. WOOHOO! While Jude went off for our first Beach Friday of the year with his friends, I went to work.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you anything about my job, because they made me sigh a Nondisclosure Agreement (an NDA). When I arrived at their super-secret warehouse location, the security guard at the front desk made me sign the NDA - in triplicate- before they'd even let me into the building. While I didn't read all the fine print (don't worry, my agents did), I'm pretty sure that if I tell you anything about the commercial, or who I was working for, I'd have to give them Jude.

Now this all sounds extremely exciting and covert and black ops and all, but it's all actually just kind of paranoid. I mean, I guess that they're worried that some actor would decide to Tweet about some new product they're coming out with, or write about it in their blog, but what kind of person would do THAT? (cough...cough). And if you heard what it really was for, you'd just go "Huh?". It's not like it's Area 51. Or Warehouse 13.

And of course, the fact that I can't tell anybody anything about it (I can't even tell Jimmy) leaves me DYING to tell somebody about it. I mean, I, who remembers to go on Twitter maybe once a week, sat there all day thinking of hysterical, clever Tweets, which I was denied sharing because of that damned NDA. Argh.

But there you have it. I can't say anything. Even when/if the commercial comes out, you could say "Gretchen, is that you in that XXXXX commercial?" and I'd have to say "I have no idea what you're talking about."

So I thought about what I can actually, legally tell you about my job, and I narrowed it down to these things...

1. We had really good Mexican food for lunch. I wasn't crazy about the burritos, but the carne asada soft tacos were particularly tasty.
2. The wardrobe folks had the coolest thing to organize their jewelry. They told me they got it from The Container Store, and when I got home, I immediately ordered it. It's just what I need to arrange all my necklaces, which are now tangled in a heap in my jewelry box. I'm so excited. This is the front and back view of the same thing. And just in case you want to buy one for yourself, here's the link... Canvas Necklace and Bracelet Organizer.
3. They gave me this really cool manicure. I love the way it looks. She just used a basic neutral polish (Essie Mademoiselle), but then she used this cool matte top coat called Essie Matte About You. The matte thing apparently works really well on camera, as it's non-reflective, but it also looks really natural. But the manicurist said that if you use it over darker colors, it makes your nails look plastic. Weird.
4. After waiting around for 6 hours, after I finally got on the set, and they finally got me lit and had already done the final touches on my makeup and they were about to roll camera...I got a hot flash. Of course. Luckily, some technical glitch delayed things and I returned to normal before they actually shot anything. Good Lord.
5. Jude had fun at the beach.

Okay, that's about it. I don't think I have breached the terms of the NDA. Don't try guessing who I was working for, because if you got it right, I might get in trouble.

Lets hope I get another job soon, and I can actually tell you about it.

Camp Mama 2011 Week Three: Camping Lite

We've camped!

12 moms, 28 children. 2 nights.

I really love camping with these women. You know I love camping with my Cub Scout dads too, but there's something relaxing and easy about camping with a group of women. Everyone looks after each others children. Everyone takes care of each other. It's sort of a Sister Wife thing.

And this was really, REALLY a particularly laid back trip. As the only mom there with only one kid, I had a particularly easy load. We got there, pitched our tent, arranged our stuff and...I pulled out my 1 gallon Coleman jug of margaritas...

 
Yes, much time was spent sitting around the campfire with an adult beverage in hand. The kids ran wild like kids should do when camping, scampering on the rocks in the creek and catching tadpoles, while we moms sat around and enjoyed ourselves. Not a bad way to spend a couple of days.

It was all so easy. We had divvied up the meals, so all I really had to do was warm up the taco meat I'd precooked for tacos one night, and flip pancakes one morning. That's about it.

The most brilliant thing about this campground we went to is that it's attached to a small water park- just a lazy river and this giant water thingy...

 

...but enough to keep those kids happy and occupied.

Yes, I know, it's kind of a wimpy way to camp. Maybe cheating a little. Camping lite. But it allowed me to just sit there in a my swimsuit in a lounge chair for two days straight. Amazing.

There's really very little to report because the trip was so laid back. So I will attempt to sum it up with a pie chart...

 

 

Well that just about sums it up. Oh, and Jude had fun too. Did I forget to mention that? Silly me.

 

Camp Mama 2011 Week Two: The Program

As of two weeks ago, my plan for keeping Jude entertained over summer was: Wing it.

I'm afraid that this has proven to be a poor plan.

Jude, ever the rule follower, understood and begrudgingly accepted my rule that he could only have 2 hours of electronics time a day. Every morning, he got up about 7:00, ran into the living room, and played the stupid Wii for exactly 2 hours. He would then dutifully turn the machine off, turn to me and say..."I'm bored."

Sigh.

"When are we going to DOOOOOO something? This summer is boooooring."

"Why don't you read a book?"

"I don't want to read a book."

"Why don't you write a letter to Grandma?"

"I don't want to write a letter to Grandma."

"Why don't you go outside and play?"

"I don't want to go outside and play."

"Why don't you just sit there like a little pain in the ass brat, and drive your mother out of her mind?"

No, I didn't really say that.

And then Sarah at The Mommylogues came to my rescue by suggesting that I try out an idea that Hot Fudge Oracle wrote about in a Works For Me Wednesday - Electronic Games Tokens. 

If you check out the link, you'll find what I consider a brilliant but EXTREMELY complicated plan, involving color coding and many, many rules. In fact, the first time I looked at it, my brain kind of imploded, and I threw up my hands. Then, after another week of "I'm bored!" I wrote Sarah back and begged her to send me that link again.

I have tweaked it, and simplified it, and made it pertinent to my kid. The result I am calling...

The Program

From now on, Jude no longer gets any time enjoying electronics for free. He must earn it. To keep track of this, I am using tokens (I'm actually using checkers, Sarah is using poker chips). Electronic time is earned in 15 minute increments, each token representing 15 minutes. Tokens are earned by completing equal amounts of time involved in approved activities.

I DO NOT round the amount of time up. In other words, if he completes 24 minutes of reading, he gets one 15 minute token. If he completes 35 minutes, he earns two.

Approved activities are as follows:

Reading -

• Books
• Boy's Life Magazine

Writing -

• Letters (Mommy LOVES this.)
• Thank you notes (we're still working on the Birthday and First Communion notes)
• Journal (he can earn a Cub Scout belt loop if he keeps one)
• Summer Bridge Activities Book (I'm determined that the kid doesn't unlearn everything he learned in Second Grade.

Activities -

• Playing outside - biking, scooting, trampoline jumping, whatever.
• Working on a Cub Scout belt loop.
• Building Legos.
• Drawing/crafting (Yeah, right. The kid is the least crafty child I've ever known.)
• Working on Summer Reading projects (his Third Grade teacher has assigned two projects, due the first week of school).
• Helping me do stuff. Such as cleaning the porch, watering plants, cleaning out the "pool".

So far? It's working well. He's been reading like crazy, and has finished all his birthday thank you notes (I, of course, still haven't MAILED them, but...one step at a time). He's also been spending a lot of time playing in the backyard. He seems to have developed one of those peculiar only child games like I used to make up when I was a little only child, which involves the trampoline and two lightsabers and much talking to himself. But he seems to enjoy it.

I encourage you to get with The Program. I'm sorry, I just had to say that because it was so stupid.

Good luck with summer, y'all.