Even though it seems to me that he's still a little young for this, I went ahead with it because...
- He was asking some questions.
- A certain amount of puzzling misinformation seemed to be floating around amongst his little gang of friends.
- All the girls at school seemed to already know everything.
- I hated the idea that he would be the very last one to know. I would rather him be the one with the accurate answers than be like my friend Gwen, who thought that you got pregnant if a boy peepeed on you.
So I'd been kind of looking for an opening, you know, thinking I'd find an organic, casual segue into the whole thing. I didn't want to make too big of a deal about it, and scar him for life. But I'd been waiting for this elusive organic, casual segue for quite some time. I mean, I couldn't just say "I love that Lego tower! And speaking of erections..." or "Oops you dropped the baseball. You know, there are other balls that drop as well."
Then, the other night, I was tucking him into bed and he asked me "Mom, what does 'doing your wife' mean?" Thank you YouTube! It was perfect!
I told him that "doing your wife" was a crude way of saying "have sex with your wife" and I told him that I thought he was old enough to be told the details of all of that if he thought he was ready.
This interested him very much indeed. He sat up eagerly and said that yes, he would very much like to know all about it. And so, I began.
Mostly, I talked about parts. Boy parts and girl parts. And how they grow and change. And what comes out of some parts and goes into other parts. I used lots of technical words like "semen" and "testicle" and "intercourse" and "vagina". He nodded intently. He seemed mostly interested in erections and breasts. The other parts seemed a little icky and vague.
He asked me some good questions. He said that he had been under the impression that "having sex" was getting naked and kissing a lot. He was unaware of all the parts stuff, and seemed a little disappointed. But I assured him that getting naked and kissing was also done at the same time the weird parts stuff was done, and he seemed relieved. He was interested in the number of eggs that a lady had in her, and if they ran out as she got older, and when I told him that this was true, he asked if that was why he was an only child and I said yes. This seemed to comfort him a little - it was all just a biological issue.
The only thing that seemed to genuinely upset him was the whole menstruation thing. Which maybe I didn't have to go into, but I was on a roll. "The girls have to BLEED?! Every month?! That is SO unfair!! Does it HURT?! Why would God DO that to them?!" Why indeed. I didn't go into anything about Eve and the damned apple, but said that it was just what we had to go through in order to be able to create a baby in our bodies, which is about the coolest thing to do in the world. This seemed to appease him a bit. And I have to say, I was pleased by his empathy.
After I finished all this talking, he put his head down on his pillow, deep in thought. I figured that I should let him go to sleep and ponder all the serious, life-changing information I'd imparted. He looked at me questioningly and asked "Mom? Did you see that funny thing they had on MAD? It was called Criminal Mindcraft, and it was a parody of Criminal Minds AND Minecraft. SO funny!" And that was that.
A couple of days later, I was driving him and his BFF A.J. to a cross-country practice and I heard the following conversation from the backseat.
Gretchen drives her Prius. Jude and AJ ride in the backseat, talking in hushed tones. Gretchen casually fiddles with the radio so they won't know she's eavesdropping.
So, my mom told me what "sex" was.
Yeah, my mom told me too! It's weird, right?!
You know what the grossest part is?
My mom DID THAT with my DAD. TWO TIMES!!!
They both shake their heads, shocked and dismayed. Gretchen giggles quietly to herself.