Yes, it's time once again for Camp Mama!
What is Camp Mama you ask? Well, let me tell you. Camp Mama is my son's summer entertainment, the camp he will be attending, as opposed to the ritzy, high-priced camps which his wealthier, luckier friends will attend.
Here is our newly updated camp brochure...
Welcome to Camp Mama!
Our camp feels just like home because... it is home.
Nestled in a cozy, grass-free Hollywood backyard in the armpit of the 101 freeway, and the shadow of a Colombian restaurant, just downwind of the medical marijuana store, Camp Mama has provided an enriching atmosphere which has fostered growth and development in campers since 2009. Children will have an opportunity to explore their creativity and hone their athletic skills while Gretchen, the Camp Director, tries hard not to lose her mind.
Camp programs include -
1. A certain amount of loosely monitored electronic usage (television, XBox, iPod, computer, Wii). Electronic usage will be allotted in increments which equal the time campers invest in more wholesome and approved activities such as reading, writing, drawing and generally leaving their mother alone.
2. Playing in the yard. "You've got a yard. You've got an imagination. What more does a kid need?" (This phrase will no doubt be repeated ad nauseam when campers start to whine and complain about the limitation of the aforementioned electronic usage.)
3. Unfortunately, the "pool" facilities have been shut down this year (after the squirrel died in the 3 inches of water in the bottom of the "pool", the Camp Director freaked out about germs and threw the decrepit "pool" away. It was for the best.) However, there is talk of the possible purchase of a zipline, and creative construction of a "White Trash Waterpark".
4. Daily field trips to such exciting places as the grocery store, auditions, church, Starbucks or the nail salon.
5. A once a week trip to the beach.
6. Long-term field trips to Camp Mama's satellite facilities such as Camp Grandma are being planned. Possible outings to local amusement parks are negotiable if camper's behavior meets expectations.
7. As many playdates as the Camp Director can come up with. Playdates which involve the Camp Director having "grown-up time" with the parents of fellow campers and drinking liquor is highly encouraged. Many of these playdates will no doubt involve a brief stay at Camp Lynn, where campers can swim in a larger pool, and the camp directors can soak in the hot tub and suck down apple martinis while the campers try not to drown each other. Sunscreen will be provided.
8. Outdoor activities such as swimming, tennis, hiking and running will be provided. Choice of activity is dependent on the Camp Director's daily mood/energy level. Making fun of Camp Director's skills in any of these activities is highly discouraged. Camp Director may also be convinced to play games such as Battleship, Monopoly or Sorry until the Camp Director's brain turns to mush and she feels the need to take a Battleship peg and jam it into her eyeball.
9. Daily "Quiet Time", wherein campers must go to their room and read or play quietly by themselves while Camp Director recuperates and pulls the Battleship peg from her eyeball.
10. A fun game called "Clean the House", wherein campers must help the Camp Director clean the facilities to established standards before they are allowed any of the aforementioned activities. This year, the Camp Director has added a new and highly anticipated game called "Cleaning the Toilet".
11. Daily reading is mandatory. Occasional reviews of schoolish things such as decimals are required so that the campers don't revert to their previous pre-Fourth Grade ignorance.
12. Daily lunch and snack provided. Sorry, camp tee shirt not included.
Cost of enrollment: Gretchen's sanity.
Once a week, I will be posting about the Camp Mama activities of the previous week. If you'd like to open your own satellite branch of Camp Mama and share your own Camp Mama misery, I mean adventure, let me know. I'd be glad to link you here.
Camp Mama opens today. As always, only one camper has signed up.