Greetings and salutations to my beloved subjects.
As the new Queen of the World, I hereby enact the following changes...
Since everyone will no doubt want to emulate their new monarch, belly fat and upper arm waddle are henceforth the new erogenous zones. Firm, skinny types will be looked down upon with pity.
All monies currently being used to fund medical research in the area of erectile dysfunction will now be put to use to bring an end to the sufferings of menopause. In the future, the women who govern the Catholic Church will decide to canonize Queen Gretchen for the miracle she created in making this happen. In artistic renderings of Saint Gretchen, she will be depicted glowing from a now curable hot flash.
The following words and phrases are hereby banned from the English language...
- Anyways. This is NOT a word.
- Awesometastic. Nor is this.
- Yes way.
- Shout out.
- The 411.
- Cray cray.
- My bad.
- Oh snap!
All convicted child molesters, rapists, drug dealers, terrorists, and loud-mouthed political pundits will be rounded up and put on an island somewhere. I hope they enjoy each others company. Any properties left behind by said criminals will be confiscated and used to house the homeless.
Public spitting is expressly forbidden. No one wants to see this kind of thing. Please make use of a handkerchief. Miscreants will be punished with heavy fines and/or prison, depending on the offensiveness of the spit.
All public signage must be properly spelled. There is simply no excuse for misspelled signs. No leniency to people utilizing a language which is not their mother tongue, spell check is free to all. Be mindful that ones business will be more successful if one doesn't come off as an ignorant boob. All misspelled signage will be removed and business owners will be fined.
All public rudeness is hereby abolished. Those caught doing such distasteful things as cutting in line, shoving, name calling or making rude gestures will be punished with heavy fines and/or prison sentences, depending on the offensiveness of the rudeness.
The entire world will be power washed twice a year. Areas with an overabundance of water will share their resources with areas which suffer from drought. Like Los Angeles. Just think how happy we will all be when the world is shiny and clean and fresh-smelling. This undertaking will be funded by monies collected from fines for spitting and rudeness and misspelling.
I trust you will be pleased with the new changes and they will make for a more pleasant and attractive world.
I also decree that you must visit Ginny Marie, as well as each of our other Spin Cycle participants who are sharing what they would do if they were the Queen of the World. Which of course, they are not.
We have spoken.
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