Second Blooming

The Lie

FADE IN:

Texas, 1967. A little girl named Gretchen is playing in her room by herself. Like most only children, she often plays alone, creating a lively and complex fantasy life inside her bedroom. On this day, she is playing with her blanket, Nicey, using him as a lasso to catch an ornery troll doll, who has escaped his home, which has been elaborately constructed inside an old suitcase.

GRETCHEN

You come back here! I'm gonna get you!

She takes Nicey, and starts to swing him around and around, wildly making circles with her little arm, flinging that blanket around as hard as she can.

GRETCHEN

(continued)

You're not getting away, you naughty troll!

Suddenly, while being flung around, Nicey the blanket catches the corner of the glass ceiling light fixture, yanking it down, where it smashes into about a million shards of glass all over the room.

GRETCHEN

(continued)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

Gretchen freezes amidst the rubble. Mama runs in from the kitchen

MAMA

Oh Lordy! Lordy! Lordy! STAND STILL! DON'T MOVE!

(she surveys the situation)

Are you cut?!! Let me see your face!! What happened?!!

GRETCHEN

(deer in headlights)

I was...playing...the light...just...mmm...it just.......

...........................................BOOM!

MAMA

It just exploded?! Oh my goodness!! It must have overheated!

GRETCHEN

(starting to cry)

Uh-huh.

MAMA

Oh my baby! I am SOOOO sorry! You poor thing!!!

Oh thank the Lord you are not cut! Oh my goodness,

oh my goodness!

Gretchen runs to Mama for hugs and kisses. Mama cleans up the horrible mess.

FADE OUT.

Thus began my mother's lifelong obsession with wattage. After examining the fated light fixture which had "exploded", Mama discovered that it had been fitted with two 100 watt light bulbs. Clearly, this had been a fateful error on her part, causing the fixture to overheat and shatter.

She was henceforth extremely careful about how much wattage she put in a fixture. We were not allowed to EVER put a 100 watt bulb into an overhead light, only in lamps. It could only ever be two 60 watt bulbs.

For twenty years, every time my mother discussed bulb wattage, I cringed with guilt.

CUT TO:

Texas, 1987. Gretchen, now 26, and Mama push a cart into the grocery store. Mama fishes her grocery list and reading glasses out of her Coach bag. She pulls on her glasses and reads the list.

MAMA

Okay, I'll go get the milk and the bread. Why don't

you go get the light bulbs.

GRETCHEN

Okay.

MAMA

Now don't get the 100 watt bulbs. Get the 60 watts ones.

NOT the 100 watts!

GRETCHEN

(starts to walk away, then stops and comes back)

Mama? Do you remember the time when I was little that

the light fixture in my room exploded?

MAMA

Oh heavens, I'll never forget that! It scared me silly!

GRETCHEN

Mama...I lied.

MAMA

What do you mean, you lied?

GRETCHEN

It didn't explode. It was me.

MAMA

Now don't be silly, of course it exploded.

GRETCHEN

No, it didn't. I was swinging Nicey around, being goofy,

and I broke it. I hit it and knocked it down.

MAMA

No, honey. I had two 100 watt bulbs in the fixture, and it

overheated and shattered. That's what happened.

GRETCHEN

No, Mama, it was me. I lied to you!

MAMA

That is just silly. It overheated! It scared me to death!

I have been very careful about this ever since then.  Very careful.

GRETCHEN

Uh-huh.

MAMA

Now you run along and get the bulbs, and I'll get the milk and

the bread.

GRETCHEN

Okay.

MAMA

But DON'T get the 100 watt bulbs! Get the 60 watt ones.

GRETCHEN

Yeah, okay.

Mama pushes her cart to the dairy case. Gretchen sighs, shakes her head and goes over to pick up the light bulbs. The 60 watt ones.

FADE OUT.

___________________________________

This post was inspired by...

Prompt #3 - A lie you told. 

Baseball Woes

Jude has started his new baseball season, and damn if he didn't get put on a team where we don't know a SOUL. Which I must say makes him far less interested. He's always been a little iffy about baseball anyway. And not having any friends there to hang out with, makes getting him there an effort. He always wants to sign up, and when he's actually there, he puts forth a decent amount of effort, but away from the field, he has zero enthusiasm.

Which is, of course, the reason he's not really very good. He needs to be practicing, but just has no interest. Jimmy and I keep making him go outside and "throw the ball around", but it's a real effort. And I should absolutely be making him go to the batting cages, but I don't seem to get that together.

I did find one thing about baseball that has piqued his interest. His very first cup...

FADE IN.

GRETCHEN

I got something for you today.

JUDE

(thinking...video game)

What?!

GRETCHEN

(handing him the little package from the sporting goods store)

It's an athletic cup.

JUDE

Huh?

GRETCHEN

You wear it inside your underwear to protect your penis from getting

hit by a baseball.

JUDE

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HAAAAAAAAAA!!

The child then dissolves into hysterical laughter. Gretchen also laughs.

After much silliness and penis humor is exchanged between them, Gretchen explains that the coach has emailed all the parents to make sure that the boys have cups. And that most of his friends already have been wearing them, an oversight which Gretchen feels a little guilty about. Gretchen then, despite a ridiculous amount of modesty on the part of the boy, helps him fit the little plastic cup into it's place in the "performance cotton briefs" which came in the package.

Jude then collapses on the floor in horror and laughter.

JUDE

I can't wear this!! It makes me look like I have

a GIANT wiener!!!

GRETCHEN

(sigh...)

JUDE

It's just TOO embarrassing!!

GRETCHEN

No, here's what would be embarrassing. Me having to write the

following note - 'Dear Sister Maureen, Jude is unable to come to

school today because he has had a terrible penis injury. He will be

able to return to school after his penis has healed.' THAT would

be embarrassing!

Much laughter and silliness follows.

FADE OUT.

Now, of course, he's kind of fascinated with the thing. All through baseball practice he kept touching it and arranging his stuff.

Me watching Jude batting avec cup.

This new baseball team full of strangers poses another obstacle - I am faced with a new batch of team mommies who I don't know. So I have to navigate that, and find my place. I usually like to just volunteer as Team Mom and then everybody kind of finds and befriends me, as opposed to my having to find and befriend them. But this year the wife of the Head Coach has appointed herself Team Mom, and I'm forced to actually be sociable.

Now, I've finally gotten fairly comfortable with the mommies from Jude's school, most of whom are young and fit and slim and incredibly well-dressed/coiffed/manicured. These ladies go to the tennis club and wear their Tory Burch flats and vacation in Palm Springs. They regularly come to school wearing cute short tennis skirts showing their gorgeous long, tanned legs. Around them I feel incredibly old and shabby and decidedly inadequate. They are an intimidatingly lovely group of women. But I have come to love many of them, even if some of them don't quite know what to make of me - I think having had an acting career kind of adds a bit of faded glamour.

But this new group of baseball mommies has me thrown. They are a whole nother breed. I just don't know how to relate. Their boys all attend terribly progressive and expensive private schools, and the women that come to practices seem to fall into two groups - Nannies and Serious Moms.

The nannies all sit together and speak to each other in Spanish. Occasionally one of them will shout something encouraging ("Go, Owen!" or "Go, Josh!"), but otherwise, they ignore the kids and chitty chat. I have tried sitting with them, and we smile and nod a lot, but I seem to make them uncomfortable.

That leaves me with the...Serious Moms. These women all have the same look - what I think of as "Yankee lesbian". No makeup, practical short haircuts peppered with uncolored gray, Birkenstocks, loose-fitting sensible clothes. They sit together, intently watching their sons play ball, coaching their boys from the sidelines, telling the coaches what to do and passing around various sections of the New York Times. I kid you not.

At Saturday's practice, I was sitting by myself, wearing a shirt which displayed my usual inappropriate amount of cleavage and gorging myself on the last of the Hunger Games books. One of the women, turned to me as she was tucking away her New York Times and asked "What are you reading?" I swallowed my humiliation and admitted I was reading a book from a young adult trilogy of mediocre writing quality. She kind of stared blankly and told me she'd never heard of it. NEVER HEARD OF IT. "Well...they've made a movie of the first one. It's about to come out. You've probably seen the ads." "Oh. We don't watch tv." she said. Oh yes she did.

I miss my pretty tennis mommies. What do they say? The devil you know...

Dos and Don'ts

FADE IN:

Gretchen and Jude climb out of their car in front of Jude's school. It's Open House Day, and parents and kids are all heading to school to check out the kids' classrooms and artwork. Jude is slow.

GRETCHEN

Come on Stinky Magoo, let's go!

JUDE

(sotto voce)

Mom! Don't call me silly names in front of people!

GRETCHEN

Oh. Sorry. I'll try to just call you Jude. How's that? And maybe Bugs.

I don't know if I can help myself from calling you Bugs. It might just...

pop out.

JUDE

(begrudgingly)

Yeah, okay.

GRETCHEN

Anything else I shouldn't do?

JUDE

Don't sing, okay?

GRETCHEN

Sing?

JUDE

Yeah. You're always singing really loud. It's embarrassing.

GRETCHEN

(sarcastic)

Wow. I wouldn't want to embarrass you or anything. Okay. I'll try to control

myself. Anything else?

JUDE

Well...maybe you can try not to talk too much.

GRETCHEN

Don't talk too much. Check. I'll try hard at that one.

They continue walking toward the school. Jude reaches out and takes Gretchen's hand.

GRETCHEN

You don't want me to talk, but it's okay to be seen holding my hand?

JUDE

(considers for a beat)

Yeah. You're my mom. That's cool.

GRETCHEN

Okay. That's cool.

Gretchen smiles and they walk into the school holding hands.

FADE OUT.

The Reason My Child Eats Too Much Junk

FADE IN:

7:00 am. The alarm rings. Gretchen reaches out and punches it off, shakes the dream out of her head, throws back the covers and gets out of bed. She walks into the bathroom and pees, then heads into the kitchen. She adds water to the Keurig and turns it on, then proceeds to pull a number of food items out of the refrigerator and arrange them on the counter.

She then walks into Jude's room. Jude lies face down spread-eagle on the bed. Gretchen turns on the light.

GRETCHEN

Dude. It's time to get up.

JUDE

Uuuuuggh.

Gretchen heads back to the kitchen. She proceeds to cut a slice of wheat bread in half and arrange some turkey on it, then puts it into a sandwich bag and then Jude's lunchbox. She returns to Jude's room.

GRETCHEN

Little boy! It's time to get up.

JUDE

Uuuurrrgg.

GRETCHEN

Really. You gotta get up now. We don't want to be late.

She walks back into the kitchen. She makes herself a coffee. She then takes two baby carrots, places them in a snack bag, and puts them in Jude's lunchbox. She returns to Jude's room. She gets his school uniform out of his drawer and throws it at his head.

GRETCHEN

(loud)

Jude Antonio! It is time to get up!

JUDE

(covering head with pillow)

I don't wanna!

GRETCHEN

Mister!

(she sits on the bed next to him)

It's time. You gotta get ready for school. Come on.

JUDE

I hate school!

GRETCHEN

You do not.

JUDE

 Dude! I do!

GRETCHEN

Do not call me Dude.

JUDE

But you call me Dude!

GRETCHEN

Jude. I am losing patience. What do you want for breakfast?

JUDE

(finally sitting up)

Bacon.

GRETCHEN

No, you can't have bacon.

JUDE

Why?

GRETCHEN

You eat too much bacon. How about a scrambled egg?

JUDE

I hate eggs.

GRETCHEN

No you don't.

JUDE

Yes I do.

GRETCHEN

No you don't.

JUDE

Yes I do.

GRETCHEN

You are stubborn.

JUDE

You are stubborn.

They stare at each other for a beat.

GRETCHEN

How about cereal?

JUDE

Yeah, okay.

GRETCHEN

Okay. Get dressed.

She heads back to the kitchen. She pours Cheerios in a bowl. She then pulls out a plastic container of homemade apple sauce, spoons some into another bowl, then places both bowls on the dining room table. She heads back into Jude's bedroom.

GRETCHEN

Okay, breakfast's on the table. I gave you cereal and some of that applesauce

I made yesterday.

JUDE

I hate applesauce.

GRETCHEN

You do not.

JUDE

I do.

GRETCHEN

You ate a big bowl yesterday.

JUDE

But I didn't like it.

GRETCHEN

You did.

JUDE

I didn't. I don't like fruit.

GRETCHEN

You have to eat fruit. You must eat fruit. It's good for you.

This is good applesauce, dang it, I made it myself.

JUDE

I don't want to eat it.

GRETCHEN

You are very stubborn.

JUDE

You are very stubborn.

(beat)

I will eat the applesauce if I can also have bacon.

A long pause, while they size each other up.

GRETCHEN

All right.

She heads back into the kitchen and makes the bacon. While it's cooking, she proceeds to cut up a pear, put it in a little plastic bag, then adds it to Jude's lunchbox. She thinks for a moment, then adds a mozzarella stick. When the bacon is ready, she sticks it on a plate and puts it on the table with the cereal and applesauce. Jude, now finally dressed for school, sits down and starts his breakfast.

GRETCHEN

Okay, for lunch, I've packed a half a turkey sandwich, a cheese

stick, some carrots and some pear slices.

JUDE

(making a face)

I don't like any of that.

GRETCHEN

Yes you do.

JUDE

No I don't.

GRETCHEN

You love cheese!

JUDE

Yeah, but I don't like any of the rest of it.

GRETCHEN

You ate a turkey sandwich the day before yesterday.

JUDE

I just ate the turkey part. Not the bread.

GRETCHEN

Well okay, then, just eat the turkey part. That's good protein.

JUDE

I don't want pears. I'm eating apples now! That's TWO fruits.

GRETCHEN

Yes it is. It's two fruits. That's very good for you.

JUDE

I don't like it.

GRETCHEN

Will you eat the pears if I give you...potato chips?

JUDE

(quickly)

Yes.

GRETCHEN

Okay. But you have to eat the pears FIRST. Do NOT eat

those chips until after you've eaten those pears.

JUDE

Okay.

Gretchen goes back into the kitchen and adds a small bag of potato chips to the lunch box.

JUDE

(from the other room)

But I don't want those carrots!

Gretchen walks back into the dining room and stares at her child.

GRETCHEN

What's it gonna take to get you to eat those carrots?

JUDE

Homemade chocolate chip cookies.

GRETCHEN

Dang.

JUDE

Two.

Shaking her head, Gretchen heads back into the kitchen, puts two cookies in a little bag and adds it to the lunch box, zips it up, then puts it in Jude's backpack. Jude enjoys his bacon.

FADE OUT.

____________________________________

This post was inspired by...

Writing Prompt #4 - Describe the scene at breakfast.

Best of 2011

I have a sinus infection. And Jude just threw up.

That said, I don't feel inspired to write much, so as part of...

I am choosing "Prompt #1 - This year in blog posts...choose a favorite post from each month of 2011 and share."

After much hemming and hawing, these are my personal favorites from each month of 2011. If you're new here, check them out. If you're an old-timer...check them out again, because they're good!

January -

If We Were the Queen of the World - A girl can dream, right?...

We (that's the royal we, y'all) would be fair but firm. In order to benefit the lives of my many subjects, I'm afraid there will have to be a few changes made around here.

BY PROCLAMATION OF HER MAJESTY QUEEN GRETCHEN I

The following changes will be made to the rule of order of the Planet Earth, effective immediately.

1. The muffin top is the new erogenous zone...

READ THE REST HERE.

February -  

Most Surreal Parenting Moment Thus Far - The one in which my poor child is faced with seeing his father...in drag...

Jimmy and I are both members of The Actor's Studio. Yes, the "world-renowned" Actor's Studio, as they say. The place founded in the forties by acting teacher guru Lee Strasberg, the birthplace of "The Method",  training ground to Marlon Brando, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Robert De Niro, Jane Fonda, Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman, Harvey Keitel, Paul Newman,  Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Geraldine Page, Sidney Poitier, Mickey Rourke and Christopher Walken . The home of "Inside the Actor's Studio". Yes, we are...da, da, da, dum...method actors...

READ THE REST HERE.

March - 

Picky, Picky, Picky - My kid's dreadful eating habits exposed...

My child will eat the following foods:

• pancakes
• french toast
• blueberry muffins
• whole wheat bread
• white bread
• good, crusty bread
• rolls
• pumpkin bread
• raisin bread
• flour tortillas...

READ THE REST HERE.

April -

The Uniform - The sad, sad state of my wardrobe...

Sometimes, I just don't know what has become of me.

Black yoga pants and a black hooded long-sleeved shirt.

This is what I have been wearing about 4 out of 7 days a week.

And don't misunderstand. This is not an attractive outfit. It is simply...comfortable...

READ THE REST HERE.

May -

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood - Murdering gang bangers are found and arrested while hiding under our house. Oh yes, it's true. Life in Los Angeles, baby...

On Friday, Jude and I were having a quiet afternoon at home.

I had just let Jude buy a new game for his DSi as a reward for letting me drag him around during the last day of his Spring Break to the hardware store, the drug store AND the Target, and he was sitting happily in the corner of the living room playing away.

I decided to use the time to make some progress on my ongoing bedroom redecorating, and spray paint a curtain rod.

So I grabbed some newspaper, the old curtain rod and the spray paint and went out the back door and around to the side of the house. As I was spreading out the newspaper and shaking my little spray paint can, I suddenly realized that a helicopter was hovering above me.

Now, helicopters aren't uncommon in the Greater Los Angeles area. But when I looked up, I realized that it was an LAPD helicopter, and it was hovering really close to the ground. Really close to the ground, and circling around. Really close to the ground and circling around...me, to be specific...

READ THE REST HERE.

June - Okay, I'm cheating here - I can't decide, so I'm giving you two...

Alienated - My mediocre career as a space alien...

When I first read that the Spin Cycle topic this week was "UFOs", I must admit, I was stumped. Disappointingly, I have never encountered a UFO, no matter how much I wished it.

But then I realized that while I have never met an alien, I have BEEN an alien. Yes, during my long and incredibly mediocre acting career, I have encountered aliens twice. And in rummaging through my old photo albums, I have actually unearthed photographic evidence...

READ THE REST HERE.

The Vibe - My attempts at decorating while living with a husband who has "opinions"...

Jimmy has opinions.

Damn him.

Most husbands have the sense to defer to their wives in all matters involving design, decorating and aesthetics. When it comes time to redecorate, the couple may discuss their mutual needs, and the wife might offer fabric swatches or paint chips, just so the husband feels slightly involved, but for the most part, the wife makes all the choices. Most husbands are happy with this arrangement.

But not Jimmy...

READ THE REST HERE.

July -

Camp Mama 2011 Week Six: Sisters - Our little, testosterone-heavy household is invaded by GIRLS...

As a thank you gift to my friends Lynn and Darren for hosting my 50th birthday party in their home, we took their two precious daughters, Julianna, 7, and Isabella, 4 for three days. In the past 7 years, Lynn and Darren have been away from the girls exactly...NEVER. Not ever. And when I suggested the idea to Lynn, she jumped at it so fast it made my head spin!...

READ THE REST HERE.

August -

Conversations with Mommy and Pop Part 1 - Visiting the in-laws in New York...

FADE IN:

The family is gathered around the dining room table eating dinner. Mommy has made pasta. Jude, who Mommy thinks isn’t fat enough, has already eaten one enormous bowl of pasta and about 4 slices of Italian bread soaked in sauce.

Jude

I’m done.

Mommy

But you barely ate any of your second bowl of pasta.

Jude

But I don’t want any more. I want ice cream.

Mommy

Oh no, you can’t have ice cream if you don’t eat more of your pasta. It’s not balanced...

READ THE REST HERE.

September -

The One Who Got Away -Regrets? I've had a few. But then again, to few to mention...

The other day, I was talking to my mother-in-law Mommy, and she was all atwitter.

It seems that they had gone to a funeral, a military funeral for an ex-marine, where they draped the coffin with an American flag. According to Mommy, this "brought to mind" an old friend of hers, who she hadn't seen since the '40s, who had been a Marine...

READ THE REST HERE.

October -

LA Noir - My crazy trek across Los Angeles in search of murder...

It was a cloudy day in the City of Angels. The kind of morning that made you want to pour an extra shot of bourbon in your joe so you could face the day.

I looked at my face in the mirror and cringed. Bad night. Hot flashes. I splashed some water on my mug and headed on my way. I had a job to do. Some gumshoe work.

Armed only with my iPhone and a pair of mom jeans, I jumped into my stealthy Prius and started on my quest. My quest for...murder...

READ THE REST HERE.

November -

Dear Period -A love letter...of sorts...

Dear Period,

I fear that over the last few years our relationship has changed dramatically, that things between us have become increasingly uncomfortable and strained, and I know that soon you will leave me forever. Before we move into the next and final phase of our relationship, I'd like to take this opportunity to express my feelings, and hopefully, clear the air a bit...

READ THE REST HERE.

December -

5 Christmas Tips From Mommy - My beloved, eccentric mother-in-law's tips for the season...

For those of you new to Second Blooming, Mommy is my much beloved, 82-year old Brooklyn Italian-American mother-in-law. Mommy is a bundle of love and neuroses. Mommy's turn-ons are cleaning, chocolate, General Hospital, slutty tank tops, the Blessed Mother, blackberry brandy, flashy jewelry, sunbathing, talking to her girlfriends on the phone (all of whom are named Cathy) and her children/grandson. Her turn-offs include germs, bugs, lightning, elevators, bras, logic, "The City", all the scary things she hears about on The Today Show and often...Pop. Picture Edith Bunker with brassy hair and a top purchased from the Victoria's Secret catalogue. I adore her...

READ THE REST HERE.

 

5 Christmas Tips From Mommy

For those of you new to Second Blooming, Mommy is my much beloved, 82-year old Brooklyn Italian-American mother-in-law. Mommy is a bundle of love and neuroses. Mommy's turn-ons are cleaning, chocolate, General Hospital, slutty tank tops, the Blessed Mother, blackberry brandy, flashy jewelry, sunbathing, talking to her girlfriends on the phone (all of whom are named Cathy) and her children/grandson. Her turn-offs include germs, bugs, lightning, elevators, bras, logic, "The City", all the scary things she hears about on The Today Show and often...Pop. Picture Edith Bunker with brassy hair and a top purchased from the Victoria's Secret catalogue. I adore her. Read about Mommy's amazing beauty tips HERE. Read about Pop's 20 year hiatus, during which he lived with "that woman" HERE. And HERE for just more general Mommyishness.

5 Christmas Tips From Mommy

1. Christmas tree - Mommy saves time and energy decorating her Christmas tree by never taking the decorations off! That's right. After Christmas, she simply removes the handful of breakable ornaments people have given her over the years, covers it with plastic, and has Jerry the Yardman carry the entire tree, which she purchased several years ago at a store called Cheap John's, complete with lights, garland, balls and tinsel, down into the basement, where it remains the rest of the year. Brilliant!

 2. Gift Getting - Immediately open every present you receive, no matter what. Like a little kid.

FADE IN:

December 15th. The phone rings and Gretchen answers it.

GRETCHEN

Hello.

MOMMY

(on phone - very excited)

I LOVE IT!!

GRETCHEN

 What?

MOMMY

I got it! I got it!

GRETCHEN

What? Your present? You opened it?

MOMMY

(giggling)

I couldn't resist! I'm just like a kid! It's so beautiful!!

GRETCHEN

(exasperated)

Mommy! That was your Christmas present. It was wrapped!

Now you won't have anything to open! You won't have anything

under the tree!

MOMMY

Oh, what do I care. I love it! It's so beautiful! I know just the affair

to wear it to! The Goldstein's Hanukkah party! It's perfect!

The present was a velour sweat suit from the Old Navy. Gretchen shakes her head.

FADE OUT.

Also, Mommy absolutely adores EVERY present she EVER gets. She really, genuinely, whole-heartedly adores all gifts. It's a very nice trait to have.

3. Gift Giving - Mommy just gives cash. And who doesn't love cash? Because Mommy, despite living for the last 50 years in suburban Long Island, doesn't know how to drive, so she has trouble doing things like shopping unless one of the Cathys drives her. So Mommy just writes a check. "Pick yourself out something nice." Or pay the electric bill. Either way, always an excellent gift! Also, when Mommy does decide to give an actual present "Just so you have a little something to unwrap" she wraps all the presents in the same-sized boxes with the same wrapping paper, and never remembers to put on gift tags. Which is a wacky surprise on Christmas morning when everybody opens up the wrong presents! Mommy giggles and giggles.

4. Keeping Your Energy Up -

FADE IN:

Gretchen and Mommy are talking on the phone. Gretchen is telling Mommy about how she's busy putting up the tree and decorating the house for Christmas.

MOMMY

Don't knock yourself out! This time of year, you gotta

keep your energy up. You know what I use?

GRETCHEN

What, Mommy?

MOMMY

Mallomars.

GRETCHEN

Mallomars?

MOMMY

I love 'em! I do a little work, then I take a break and eat a Mallomar.

It picks me right up!

Gretchen shakes her head.

FADE OUT.

5. The Crab Sauce -

Every Christmas Eve, Mommy prepares The Feast of the Seven Fishes for the family. The centerpiece of this fabulous meal is her crab sauce. She cooks giant Alaskan King Crab legs in tomato sauce, then during the meal, it's served in two parts. The first course is the crab, brought to the table hot, dripping with sauce. Everybody cracks the crab legs themselves and sucks the meat out. OUTRAGEOUS! Then, the sauce is served over pasta, or as Mommy says "the macaroni". Here is Mommy's recipe, in her own words. My translation is in the brackets.

Mommy's Christmas Eve Crab Sauce

You gotta get the big Alaska King Crab legs, the real big ones. Make the man get them from the back. Buy at least 1 claw each plus. It's about $125 for the crab.

First, rinse the crab legs and let them drain overnight in the scolapasta in a pot in the fridge to get all the water out of them. [Rinse the crab legs, and drain them in a colander over a pot in the refrigerator overnight.]

Then, you get your biggest pot. Put in a little oil and then do the garlic the regular way you do when you do the sauce. Then you pour in your sauce. For 6 cans of Tuttorosso, I put in about 3 or 4 cloves of garlic.  [In large stockpot, heat 3 tbsp. olive oil. Crush 3 or 4 cloves of garlic. Mommy uses an old fashioned wooden mortar and pestle. Add garlic to oil. Saute for about 30 seconds, then add 6 28-oz cans tomato sauce. Mommy's preferred brand is Tuttorosso.]

In the middle of cooking the sauce, squash some more garlic and crushed parsley, chopped up really good in the mortaio .That gives it a change of taste. Then you cook it til it's done. [Cook for 20 minutes. In the mortar and pestle, crush another 2 or 3 cloves of garlic, and a handful of Italian parsley. Add to sauce.Cook for 30 minutes more.]

Then, you put a little oil in one of those big pots, what do you call 'em? Like a big roasting pot, and you cook the crab legs over the stove. With a little more garlic. And you cook 'em until all the water's gone. [In large roaster, heat 2 tbsp. olive oil. Add 1 clove crushed garlic, then the crab legs. Cook until liquid is evaporated.]

Put the crabs in the sauce let them cook maybe 10 minutes until they get nice and warm. then put them in the fridge. It's better if you make it a couple of days before Christmas Eve. It gets better the longer it sits.

[Reheat just until hot. Serve sauce over pasta.]

So there you have it. Christmas according to Mommy. I hope that her many years of experience and knowledge make your holiday season more pleasant and productive.

 

This post was inspired by Prompt #2: Five Things.

Spin Cycle: A Case For Parochial

I must admit that when we first thought about finding a school for Jude, I searched for a Catholic school first.

Though both Jimmy and I had solid public school educations, the Los Angeles Unified School District is a chaotic, bureaucratic nightmare, and the thought of navigating our way through the murky waters of public school absolutely horrified me.

That's not to say that there aren't public school options in L.A. While the public school for the area we live is a nightmare, there are truly excellent charter and magnet schools available. But getting into them is difficult. Lottery systems and incomprehensible magnet school point systems - all of it totally overwhelmed me. And that's just for Elementary School. You then have to go through the whole thing again for Middle School.

The idea of going to one little, tiny, insulated school from Kindergarten through 8th made the muscles in my shoulders relax. So yes, a certain amount of laziness on my part was part of the thought process.

That's not to say we didn't apply to other places. We applied to the two best charter schools in our area, both really very excellent schools. When we got notices that we didn't win the lottery and get into each of them I thought "Eh, that's too bad." But then I got a notice that we hadn't gotten into the Catholic school, and I immediately burst into tears.  I hadn't realized until that moment how much it meant to me.

I ended up going down to the church and meeting with the Monsignor, and going to the school and meeting with the principal, both tearful meetings, desperate to get my sweet little boy into the school. I'm sure they both thought I was nuts. In the end, it turned out that the reason we hadn't gotten in in the first place was because of a typo regarding our parishioner status.

Amazingly, when it came to the whole parochial school thing, Jimmy was completely on board. Who'd a thought? His reasoning, though, was that these charter schools were MUCH more progressive, more artsy, and frankly, he felt like if the kid had us for parents, and then went to an artsy school, he'd have no chance in hell of becoming anything other than an actor, which is a fate we desperately want him to avoid.

The truth was that while raising Jude Catholic was important to me, with Jimmy the Hindu in the house, I wasn't sure exactly how I was going to manage it. And the idea of getting a little help from school was a huge relief. In a big scary, morally ambiguous place like Los Angeles, the idea of a safe little insular school was appealing.

The surprise was finding that more than teaching about the Catholic church, the child was learning about morals and ethics.

That, I must say, is my favorite part about our little parochial school. They talk about morals daily. They talk about right and wrong. They talk about social justice. They talk about doing for others. They also talk a whole buttload about Jesus, so if you aren't on board with the Jesus stuff, it's not the place for you. But if you're okay with all the Catholic stuff, it's an excellent place to be.

That's not to say, of course, that a child doesn't get his primary moral education from his parents. But I must say, that it really helps that he gets it from school too. And certainly a good public school teaches their children right and wrong and how to make positive choices and behave ethically. But they are limited in their ability to teach morals because they're unable to tie morals into spirituality and religion.

I recognize that for many parents, the idea of their child learning spirituality and religion in school is abhorrent. But for me, and for Jimmy, it's a very happy, and helpful, thing.

Every day, he has a set period during which they study "Religion". Now some of that stuff (particularly last year in Second Grade, the year they had their First Communion) is Catholic dogma. Rules and regulations. Bible stories, parables. The kid already knows more about the bible than I do.

But a tremendous amount of time is spent talking about morals - right from wrong, making Christian choices, helping others.

Today Jude came home and delightedly told me he only had one thing for homework. He had to do a "random good deed". He chose to help Jimmy clean up the kitchen after I cooked dinner, and put all the dishes into the dishwasher.

In First Grade, they did the sweetest thing. For about 30 minutes every day after lunch, they sat on the rug and took turns saying who and what they'd like to pray for. It was fascinating listening to these little children each mention who they would particularly like to pray for that day. One day that year, my friend John, who is in my choir with me, had a benign tumor removed from his abdomen, a major operation. Jude came home from school and told me he'd asked his class to pray that John get well soon. When I told John this he was extremely touched that this little group of children was remembering him in their prayers. Sweet. And I loved the way this simple act taught the children to think of others, of who needed attention and love.

The other day, out of the blue, Jude told Jimmy and I that "The best thing a person can do is love everybody. And the worst thing a person can do is hate."

Wow. That's deep.

He's always full of this stuff. Some of it extremely deep and thoughtful. Some of it...less so.

FADE IN:

Gretchen and Jude are in the car driving to swim practice. Jude is singing a song he learned in school.

JUDE

(singing)

If I had a white little box,

I'd put Jesus in it...

Take him out...hug, hug, hug,

and put him right back in it.

GRETCHEN

That's a sweet song, buddy. Did you learn it in school?

JUDE

Yeah. But A.J. and I made up new words to it. Wanna hear?

GRETCHEN

Sure.

JUDE

(singing)

If I had a white little box,

I'd put my wiener in it.

Take it out...

(pretending to pee)

Ah, ah, ah...

and put it right back in it.

GRETCHEN

(trying to be serious)

Mister, that is not nice at all.

JUDE

Then why are you laughing?

GRETCHEN

Well, okay, it's kind of funny, but it's not nice. Sing it for me

again the right way.

JUDE

(singing)

If I had a white little box,

I'd put Jesus in it...

Take him out...hug, hug, hug,

and put him right back in it.

GRETCHEN

That's much sweeter.

JUDE

It's okay to hug Jesus, but if you kissed him

then you'd be married to him.

Gretchen's ears perk up, wondering if that vague talk they'd had about gay marriage had sunk in in a rather peculiar way.

JUDE

No matter if you were a boy or a girl. Because Jesus is a boy

AND a girl now that he's in heaven. 'Cause he's the son of God, and God

isn't a boy or a girl. Actually, he's a boy AND a girl. And

an alien. He's a boy and a girl and an alien. Actually, he's

everything. Everything in the whole universe. He's that tree and

that telephone pole and that library over there. And the sky and the

clouds...God's everything and everywhere. And he's me too, and he's you.

GRETCHEN

Wow, buddy, did you learn that in school?

JUDE

Some of it. But some of it I just learned for myself.

Which I think is exactly how it should be.

I think that the kid has a strong sense of morality and justice. No doubt, a good part of this is what Jimmy and I have taught him, and part is just his nature. But I find it comforting to know that our teaching is backed up in an active way on a daily basis by what he learns in school.

__________________________________

For more spins on "Morals" please visit Sprite's Keeper.

Mommy Survives the Disasters

Part One: The Earthquake

Gretchen, having heard about the VA earthquake on CNN, calls Mommy to monitor the level of hysteria.

MOMMY

(almost certainly having had

a medicinal Scotch)

Hello!!

GRETCHEN

Hey Mommy, how are things?

MOMMY

Oh my God! Did you hear about the excitement? We had...

(dramatic pause)

...a EARTHQUAKE.

GRETCHEN

I know, Mommy, I saw it on CNN.

MOMMY

It's on ALL the channels. Every single one.

GRETCHEN

Did you feel it?

MOMMY

Oh YES. I was standing in the kitchen and I felt something kinda

shove me. You know what I thought?

GRETCHEN

No, Mommy, what?

MOMMY

I thought it was the spooks!

GRETCHEN

Spooks?

MOMMY

I thought it was the ghosts fooling with me!

GRETCHEN

Ah.

MOMMY

But then I went into the den and there it was on the tv. A earthquake!

It's on ALL the channels. I tell ya, I'm so shook up I don't know what to do.

GRETCHEN

Well Mommy, I know it must have been kind of freaky,

but it wasn't really too severe of an earthquake. I don't think there

were any injuries, or any damage in the New York area, was there?

MOMMY

Oh YES! Some bricks fell off a building. In Brooklyn!

GRETCHEN

Bricks. Uh huh.

MOMMY

And they say there's gonna be aftershocks! It's on ALL the channels!

GRETCHEN

Yeah. But Mommy, you have to remember that there are always

aftershocks to an earthquake, and you are very far away from the

epicenter of the quake, so I doubt very much that you'll feel them at all.

MOMMY

(doubtful)

Oh, well, maybe so.

GRETCHEN

And all those tv channels...you have to remember that it's their job

to scare you. To report the news, but then repeat the same thing over and

over again. It's what they do.

MOMMY

Oh, well maybe so...

GRETCHEN

I really think that the danger is past.

MOMMY

Mmmm. Well maybe I should just move everything off

all the shelves. Just in case.

GRETCHEN

(sigh...)

Maybe so. Just to be safe.

MOMMY

Okay, I'll do that right now!

GRETCHEN

Good thinking. Because, you know, it's on all the channels.

MOMMY

Yes! ALL of them!

 

Part Two: The Hurricane

The lead up to Hurricane Irene was very involved, and entailed many preparatory phone calls. She was busy for several days, getting everything in order for the big blow.

MOMMY

I need to get Steve to take me to the Waldbaums. So we can stock

up on food. They say we could lose the lights for up to FIVE days!

GRETCHEN

Well that's a good idea, Mommy. Make sure you have batteries

and maybe some bottled water, just to be safe.

MOMMY

I want to stock up on milk.

GRETCHEN

(sigh...)

Well Mommy, don't you think it would be better to stock

up on foods that aren't...perishable? If the electricity's gonna go out?

MOMMY

Well, I need milk. How else am I gonna eat my Honey Nut Cheerios?!

She was also very adamant that Pop haul in the ice chests from the garage.

MOMMY

They say that if we don't touch nothing in the fridge, things will

stay good without the electricity for several days.

GRETCHEN

I think that's true.

MOMMY

But I want to have the ice chests so if the fridge starts to warm

up, I can move all the meat into the ice chests and keep it cold with ice.

GRETCHEN

But Mommy, if the refrigerator's been out for several days...

where are you going to get the ice?

MOMMY

(stumped)

Huh?

GRETCHEN

If you haven't had electricity for several days, where are you

going to get the ice?

MOMMY

(fumbling)

We'll...get it...at the...Waldbaums!

GRETCHEN

Well don't you think that if you don't have electricity

at your house, they won't have electricity at the Waldbaums?

[Author's Note: Waldbaums Supermarket is 1 block from Mommy's house]

MOMMY

(undaunted)

Then we'll get the ice from...the ice store.

GRETCHEN

(damn, she's good)

Good idea, Mommy.

Arguments evolved between Mommy and...well, everyone.

Aunt Grace was determined to stick it out in her apartment in Manhattan. Mommy, of course, thought Grace had completely lost her mind, and was beside herself with worry and anger. I understood some of what Mommy was saying - Grace was on the 26th floor, which would probably get blown pretty seriously if the hurricane stayed strong enough, and, more importantly, it's a whole lotta stairs to walk down if they lost electricity, and the elevators stopped working. And she is, you know, almost 80. And she's extremely stubborn, pretty much thick as a brick.

But when I spoke with Grace, it became clear that she was preparing herself very well. She had been to the D'Agostino's and stocked up on pasta, cheddar Goldfish, and red wine. She also bought a new flashlight, water and candles. She was good to go.

Mommy's argument with Pop was about the car. Pop has a brand new car, a Mazda, which they both consider very modern and youthful, having only ever owned American-made cars. Mommy was very worried about the car, and wanted Pop to pull it into the garage. Unfortunately, they haven't used the garage to house a car since 1977, and it's pretty full of boxes and lawn furniture and stuff. Pop refused to move everything just to put the car in there for one night.

Again, in some ways Mommy was right. Pop parks the car directly under a huge, old-growth tree, and in past hurricanes, they've ended up with the yard full of branches. It probably would have been a good idea to pull the thing inside, just in case.

But I'm afraid that we all tend to react to Mommy's hysteria in the same way - we become uber relaxed and Zen. The more nuts she gets, the more cavalier we become about impending danger.

When I spoke with her Sunday morning, after Hurricane Irene blew through, bless her heart, she wouldn't give an inch.

Grace had completely redeemed her decision to stay in her apartment by getting up at 5 o'clock on Sunday morning and finding rain leaking in from the terrace door onto her hardwoods. She was able to mop it up with "old towels" before any damage was done. She was very careful to note that they were the "old towels".  Remember that Grace is the tidiest woman on the planet, and the only thing worse than damaged hardwoods would be mopping up rainwater with the good towels.

And of course, Pop's car was just fine. But Mommy kept trying...

MOMMY

Steve's car is just COVERED with leaves. It's terrible!

GRETCHEN

Leaves. Goodness gracious.

MOMMY

And they say that there may still be more wind. A branch

could STILL come down and hit the car!

GRETCHEN

You just never know.

MOMMY

And the yard is FULL of branches. I'm telling ya, it's gonna

take a LOT of work to get it cleaned up!

GRETCHEN

Don't you have a yardman who will do that kind of thing for you?

MOMMY

Well, yes, but it's gonna be a LOT of work for him!

GRETCHEN

Mmm. You're probably right about that.

MOMMY

And the puddles! Ah, the puddles are EVERYWHERE!

And you know what?! Yesterday the priest said that all the

masses for this morning were CANCELLED. Can you imagine?

You know it must have been very serious if they cancelled all

the masses!

 

I'm thinking that the priest and all the channels must be working together. 

 

 

Conversations with Mommy and Pop Part 2

FADE IN:

Mommy, Pop, Aunt Grace, Jude and Gretchen have gone to "the beach". It's not really a beach, it's just the little town beach on the bay, but Mommy calls it "the beach". Jude questions why there are no waves, but still enjoys swimming with Grandpa and building sand structures. Mommy basks in the sun, Gretchen wears SPF 50 and a big hat.

MOMMY

Carol wanted them to renew their vows today, but Andy nixed the idea.

GRACE

Andy? Who's Andy?

MOMMY

Carol's husband!

GRACE

No! I thought Carol's husband was Kurt.

MOMMY

NO. It's Andy.

GRACE

No, Mary, it's KURT. Christy's husband is Kyle, and Carol's is KURT.

MOMMY

No, no! Not Carol! CAROL.

GRACE

Who?

MOMMY

CAROL! Ursula's daughter CAROL.

GRACE

Oh, well Mary, why didn't you say that? I thought you meant Carol.

MOMMY

(shaking her head in disgust at her sister's confusion)

No, Grace, CAROL.

They all sit for a minute or two watching Jude and Pop frolic in the bay.

MOMMY

I saw pictures of Carol's baby. She's a real cutie.

GRACE

Carol has a baby? I thought her children were all grown.

MOMMY

Grace, you saw the pictures! Carol has a new baby...Kaitlyn.

GRACE

Mary, are you talking about Ursula's Carol or Carol?

MOMMY

CAROL! You saw the pictures!

GRACE

Oh, CAROL! Yes, she's a beautiful little girl.

They continue to sun themselves for a few more minutes.

GRACE

How long has Carol been married now?

MOMMY

25 years.

GRACE

25 years!? How could that be? No. It can only been married 5 years!

MOMMY

It's 25 years! That's why Carol wanted to renew their vows! But Andy

nixed it.

GRACE

Mary, are you talking about Carol or CAROL?

Gretchen sighs and goes to frolic in the water with Jude and Pop as Mommy and Grace continue to bicker.

FADE OUT.

 
 

FADE IN:

Jude and Pop are sitting on the sofa in the den watching a Mets game. Pop is in the middle of imparting Grandfatherly advice. Gretchen walks in and sits in the chair.

POP

So you understand what I'm saying?

JUDE

Yes.

POP

It's not that the people there are DIRTY. Not the people

who work there. They may be very, very clean people. But

you just never know who's been there, or what they've been

touching. You see what I mean?

JUDE

Yes, Grandpa.

POP

So always remember. Use your elbow.

JUDE

(distracted by the Mets)

Uh-huh.

POP

Are you listening? Tell me I said, so I know you understand.

JUDE

If I go to the potty at a restaurant, always flush with my elbow.

POP

That's right.

Pop puts his arm around Jude and gives him a hug.

POP

That's a smart boy.

FADE OUT.

CUT TO:

Gretchen is waiting for Jude outside a bathroom at a restaurant. Gretchen hears a lot of banging around in there, before Jude comes out. He looks up and smiles, very proud of himself.

JUDE

I only touched things with my elbow.

GRETCHEN

Good job.

FADE OUT.

Conversations With Mommy and Pop Part 1

FADE IN:

The family is gathered around the dining room table eating dinner. Mommy has made pasta. Jude, who Mommy thinks isn’t fat enough, has already eaten one enormous bowl of pasta and about 4 slices of Italian bread soaked in sauce.

Jude

I’m done.

Mommy

But you barely ate any of your second bowl of pasta.

Jude

But I don’t want any more. I want ice cream.

Mommy

Oh no, you can’t have ice cream if you don’t eat more of your pasta. It’s not balanced.

Tell you what, if you eat half of the bowl, you can have a nice big bowl of ice cream.

And if you eat the whole entire bowl of pasta, then you can eat ALL the ice cream you want.

Jude

I can?

Mommy

   Yes.

Jude

All the ice cream I want?!

Mommy

Yes. Because then it’ll be balanced. It’s all about balance.

Balance is very important.

Jude

Balance?

Mommy

Oh yes. You have to balance the food with the dessert. However much food you eat,

then that’s how much dessert you can eat. It’s very important to balance or your

tummy gets very angry.

Jude

It get’s angry? What does your tummy do if it gets angry?

Mommy

Oh you don’t wanna know. It’s very bad.

Jude

(ponders this for a moment, then turns to Gretchen) 

Mom? Is that true?

Gretchen

Yeah.

Jude thinks a moment more, then eats all his pasta and Mommy gives him two huge bowls of chocolate ice cream.

It's all about the balance.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

Jude and Gretchen sit in the den with Pop. Pop stands up and begins.

Pop

(acting it out as he goes)

Jude, let me tell you a story about your old Grampa. It was back in 1944 when

I was with the Brooklyn Braves. I was only 17, but I was a player AND the manager.

All the guys on our team was just kids, cause you know, all the older men was off fighting

in the war. But most of the other teams had grown men on ‘em. Nobody could believe that

we were just kids and we had a winning season. So this one game, we got to the park

to play, and the other team says to me “Where’s your manager, kid?” and I says

 “I’m the manager.” And they says “But you’re just a kid!” and I says “I’ve been the

manager for 3 years now!” So they said “Well, we usually like to make a little bet

on the side, how’s $50?” cause you see they figured it’s a bunch of kids, we’ve got this

one sewn up. So I says "$50 is a little rich for our blood. How’s about $25?"

So they says “you’re on kid.” Cut to, we’re in the bottom of the 9^th, and they are

 slaying us. It’s pathetic - 11 to 1. Two outs. I come up to bat. I crack one and

it’s a home run. Okay, so now it’s 11 to 2. Then our next 5 guys get up to bat and

each of them gets a base hit. 11 to 4. Then I’m up to bat again. AGAIN I hit a home run!

It’s 11 to 8! The next 3 guys get base hits. The bases are loaded again. And Bennie 

gets up to bat. Did you ever meet Bennie, Gretch? No? Bennie was a great guy,

and the best hitter we had. I was a good hitter, but Bennie was the best. What

does he do? He hits a home run out of the park and we win 12 to 11! And we won the

$25, which would be about like $500 nowadays. It was a great night. So you

remember that about your old Grampa.

Pop sits down in his chair and eats his ice cream. Jude ponders a moment, then turns to Gretchen.

Jude

Mom? Is that true?

Gretchen

Yeah.

FADE OUT.

Because grandparents and the truth are a relative thing.