In a week, we are heading to New York for a two week stay with the in-laws. This year, all three of us are making the trip. Jimmy usually finds some "terribly important" work situation which gets him out of long stays with his parents. But since his recent near-death experience, he feels the need for some parental bonding. I'm hoping it's not a mistake.
This post, however, is not about our upcoming visit. It's about something I need help with. In a couple of weeks, Mommy, my beloved, wacky, Brooklyn-Italian-American mother-in-law will be celebrating her 85th birthday! And still looking damned good I must say.
But I don't have a clue what to get her as a birthday gift! I mean, you can only give somebody a certain number of flashy earrings and slutty tank tops before it gets a little old. Last year, I went to Target (or as Mommy calls it "The Targets") and bought her makeup must-haves - her frosty pink lipstick, her black eyeliner. She liked this very much ("Loreal! SO FANCY!!). But this year, I'm clueless. Please read THIS POST which describes my similar problem locating what she wanted for Christmas.
I decided I needed to seek out help, and I found this cool website - Gifts.com. They have a gift finder with a "personality profiler", so I thought I'd give it a try. As a test, I did a profile for my Mama, and man, did they nail her. Their suggestions for her were perfect, from the LL Bean totebag to the backgammon set to the Jane Eyre scarf.
This is a great website! Let me give it a try for Mommy. Okay, let's start up this profiler...
Select Your Recipient: Woman.
Okay, first question...
Her morning ritual includes...
- A workout.
- A crossword puzzle.
- Checking emails.
- None of the Above.
Hmm...they don't seem to offer Watching That Matt Lauer on the Today Program. So...None of the Above.
Question 2 -
She is best known for her...
- Delicious baking.
- Artistic flair.
- Impeccable style.
- None of the Above.
Well Mommy has never baked. And she isn't artistic. Do slutty tanktops count as Impeccable Style? ...None of the Above.
Question 3 -
A perfect vacation for her would be...
- A trip through Europe.
- A cruise in the Caribbean.
- RV-ing with the grandkids.
- None of the Above.
Mommy is afraid to leave her house. Actually, she's afraid for anybody to leave their house. None of the Above.
Question 4 -
She can never have too many (much)...
- Time with grandkids.
While Mommy does enjoy a good party, I don't think she's a party animal. And she hasn't read a book since 1947. Wait! Time with grandkids! Yes, that's Mommy!
Question 5 -
She'd love to take a class for...
You gotta be kidding me. None of the Above.
So let's see what they suggest...
Oh dear. This is not right. Some of their suggestions...
Well clearly, this site is not understanding Mommy at all. So I thought I'd open it up to all of you and see if you can come up with something brilliant. Maybe if I end up using one of your ideas, I could give you a prize. Like maybe a phone call from Mommy or something. Though I can't guarantee that as she's kind of afraid of people on "the internets". Maybe a jar of Mommy's secret beauty elixir - Vaseline.
So here's a bit about Mommy to help you get some ideas...
Mommy is a bundle of love and neuroses.
Mommy's turn-ons are cleaning, chocolate, General Hospital, slutty tank tops, the Blessed Mother, blackberry brandy, flashy jewelry, sunbathing, talking to her girlfriends on the phone (all of whom are named Cathy) and her children/grandson. Her turn-offs include germs, bugs, lightning, elevators, bras, logic, "The City", all the scary things she hears about on The Today Show and often...Pop. Picture Edith Bunker with brassy hair and a top that shows just a little too much skin.
What Mommy does all day...
- Watches tv.
- Talks on the phone.
That's really pretty much all she does. She and Pop used to go out to dinner with friends pretty often. But sadly, most of their friends have died. And going out is getting harder and harder.
Ditto having guests. They used to have people over all the time, but now not so much.
I used to do pretty well just buying her some flashy clothes at some store that features clothing which most people would consider extremely inappropriate for a woman of her age - Victoria's Secret, Forever 21. But since she never goes anywhere, she doesn't really need her fancy outfits.
If Mommy deems a gift "too nice" she will never use it. She will save it "for good". Stores she considers "too nice" are...well pretty much everything other than "The Targets" and Kohl's and maybe Macy's if it's on sale.
So what do you think? Ideas anybody? That perfect, incredibly thoughtful gift that will make Mommy so happy? PLEASE HELP!