Yes, it's time once again for Camp Mama!
What? There are some of you who don't know about Camp Mama? Well, let me enlighten you.
Camp Mama is my son's summer entertainment, the camp he will be attending, as opposed to the ritzy, high-priced camps which his wealthier, luckier friends will attend.
Here is our newly updated 2014 camp brochure...
Welcome to Camp Mama!
Our camp feels just like home because... it is home.
Nestled in a cozy, grass-free Hollywood backyard in the armpit of the 101 freeway, and the shadow of a Colombian restaurant, just downwind of the medical marijuana store, Camp Mama has provided an enriching atmosphere which has fostered growth and development in campers since 2009. Children will have an opportunity to explore their creativity and hone their athletic skills while Gretchen, the Camp Director, tries hard not to lose her mind.
Camp programs include -
- An embarrassing amount of loosely monitored electronic usage (television, XBox, iPhone, computer, YouTube, WiiU). During the first few weeks of camp, electronic usage will be allotted in increments which equal the time campers invest in more wholesome approved activities. However, after the new of summer wears off, the Camp Director will get tired of the constant negotiation, throw her hands up in a gesture of surrender, and allow campers to do whatever the hell they want to do as long as they leave their mother alone.
- We are please to announce a new and exciting activity never before attempted here at Camp Mama - summer school. This additional activity has been injected into our curriculum in order to keep the attendees brains from frying because of disuse and the aforementioned electronic usage. Other required non-brain frying activities will include reading and working on The Dreaded Math Packet.
- Despite last year's necessary removal of the decrepit plastic backyard "pool" due to the dead squirrel found floating in it, 0utdoor activities such as swimming, hiking, running, and trips to the beach will be provided. Choice of activity is dependent on the Camp Director's daily mood/energy level. Making fun of Camp Director's skills in any of these activities or how she looks in her swimsuit is highly discouraged.
- Daily field trips to such exciting places as the grocery store, auditions, church, Starbucks or the nail salon.
- Long-term field trips to Camp Mama's satellite facilities such as Camp Grandma are being planned. Possible outings to local amusement parks are negotiable if camper's behavior meets expectations.
- As many playdates as the Camp Director can come up with. Playdates which involve the Camp Director having "grown-up time" with the parents of fellow campers and drinking liquor is highly encouraged. Many of these playdates will no doubt involve a brief stay at Camp Lynn, where campers can swim in a larger pool, and the camp directors can soak in the hot tub and suck down apple martinis while the campers try not to drown each other. Sunscreen will be provided.
- Another addition to this year's schedule is an exciting activity called "Chores". Campers will be expected to complete daily chores such as making their bed, tidying their room and picking up the dog poop from the back yard. It is rumored that something called "Doing your own laundry" may be attempted this year, despite the campers objections.
- Daily lunch and snack provided. Sorry, camp tee shirt still not included.
Cost of enrollment: Gretchen's sanity.
Once a week, I will be posting about the Camp Mama activities of the previous week. If you'd like to open your own satellite branch of Camp Mama and share your own Camp Mama misery, I mean adventure, let me know. I'd be glad to link you here.
Camp Mama opens today. As always, only one camper has signed up.