Dear Gretchen,
Recently, I've noticed that several of my Facebook friends have "unfriended" me. What's wrong with them? I'm an extremely popular guy with over 1000 friends. I'm known for my wry humor and straight-shooting opinions on religion and politics. I post things at least 7 or 8 times a day, and everybody LOVES it. I get tons of comments and likes. What's not to love? What's up with these losers?
Signed,
A "Friend" in Need
Dear "Friend",
I think that it would behoove you to understand the difference between a friend and a "friend". And maybe the reason you have over 1000 "friends" (not friends) is because you're an assistant to a casting agent, and all of your "friends" who comment and "like" you are needy, desperate actors who are sucking up to you in hopes that you will get them a job. No one really likes to read about your endless opinions. And I'm pretty sure that no one needs to see more of those kooky Hipstamatic pictures you keep taking of yourself. And what your "friends" really, REALLY might be avoiding is when you decide to hijack their status updates and use them to post long, rambling rants about religion and politics. Especially when earlier that day you posted something about having "gone off your meds". As you have mentioned when someone has disagreed with you during these hijacked post ramblings, it's America, and you have the freedom of speech. By the same token, your "friend" has the freedom to "unfriend".
Your "friend",
Gretchen
Dear Gretchen,
My 10-year old son is being horribly bullied at school. Not one of the boys in his class will come to our house for a playdate with him! We have a very large and fabulous home, with every toy and game that my son has ever asked for. Why wouldn't they want to come and enjoy our hospitality? I guess those cruel boys will just have to miss out! These boys are so mean that they won't even play with my boy at recess! And their parents are just as horrible - some have even had the gall to complain to me about MY boys behavior! And the principal at school will do nothing to help. My husband and I have been called by the principal many, many times because of bullying incidents, but she never understands that my boy is the VICTIM. He is a GOOD boy. Sometimes he's a bit of a prankster, but he his never ever bad. Why can't I make these cruel children/parents/teachers/principal see this?
Signed,
Poor Little Rich Mom
Dear Poor,
Have you ever considered that the reason that none of the other boys will play with your son is because he's kind of an asshole? That he's a mean-spirited bully who constantly makes up crazy lies, cheats in every game they play and uses language which most people only hear in rap videos? Another reason that none of the parents will allow their kid to play at your house is that your son has pushed at least two of them into your swimming pool while fully-clothed, and he pushed another of them down the stairs. In fact, your son could best be described as a cross between Eddie Haskell and Damien from The Omen. And refusing to recognize this in your child is not helping him at all. Maybe you should invest some of your money in counseling before you have to spend it all on lawyers to keep your kid out of prison.
Good luck with that,
Gretchen
Dear Gretchen,
I've had to almost completely stop being involved with activities at my children's school. It breaks my heart, but I just can't tolerate the glares that the other moms have been shooting at me ever since my divorce. I know why this is. They all think I'm going to steal their husbands from them. It's not my fault that I'm a beautiful former model, and men are naturally fascinated by me. What should I do?
Signed,
Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful
Dear Beautiful,
It's funny, because I'd think that if this was really a concern of yours, you might show up at school functions wearing a little less makeup and a lot looser clothes, but, whatever. I'm pretty sure that the reason the moms at school are glaring at you is less because they think you will steal their husbands, and more because they all like your ex-husband, and they know that you dumped him, and so they think you're kind of a skanky whore. And, based on your Facebook activity, I suspect that the real reason you're not involved at your kid's school is because you've been busy dating a string of rich, Euro-trash jetsetters, who are much too young for you.
Be good,
Gretchen
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For more excellent advice, check out...
Vandy J at The Testosterone Three and Me
Lynn at Curly Girl's Music World
Kendra at Life in the slow lane - NEW on FRIDAY
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Next week on The Spin Cycle...
Song
Oh, pretty wide open, huh? Do you have a favorite song? A bunch of favorite songs? Bird song? Swan song? Song of the South? Song of Solomon?
How about singing us a little something? I'm thinking vlog opportunity! Are there any singers in your family? Songwriters? Here's the chance to give them a little exposure!
You write your spin on "Song". Post it. Let me know. I'll link it here. You can post any day next week. I'll be back next Friday with my spin on "Song" and to giv e you the next week's spin topic.
It's fun!
Share your spin!
Highlight the code.
Copy to your HTML.
Et voila! Linked!
Oh, you've met my boyfriend's ex wife? Please come back and visit and read my post from Monday and you'll see what I mean! :-)
Posted by: Single Mom in the South | 03/15/2013 at 03:39 AM
Ha, love it! Especially the FB one :-)
Posted by: Alaina | 03/15/2013 at 06:24 AM
Now see, advice columns are my guilty pleasure. I love reading about clueless people and the truly messed up people and feeling better about myself because there is no way I'm that messed up.
Posted by: VandyJ | 03/15/2013 at 07:00 AM
I am with Vandy--I love advice columns. Maybe you should start that on the side with us lowly blog-readers sending in our dilemnas!
http://lifeintheslowlane-kendra.blogspot.com/2013/03/advice-for-masses.html
Posted by: Kendra | 03/15/2013 at 09:05 AM
Sing it, sister! (Oh, wait that's next week's prompt.)
Dear Gretchen,
Have you ever thought of writing your own advice column? You give great advice!
Sincerely,
A Fan
Posted by: Ginny Marie | 03/15/2013 at 09:13 AM
I would totally read your advice column. Looking forward to "Song"!
So glad I found you through Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.
Posted by: Ann Harrison | 03/15/2013 at 01:58 PM
Great job of advising. I do not even recommend places to pee anymore as there is always someone who has a better idea. So I just keep my advise to myself. And I have been on vacation! Another Jeep road trip. I do have a song ready to be shared. And belated happy BD.
Posted by: Janice Adcock | 03/19/2013 at 04:53 PM