Sometimes, I'll confidently walk into a room, filled with purpose, and absolutely focused on completing some very important task, something that would, no doubt, make our life infinitely better, but then I stop...and have absolutely no idea what I was about to do.
Sometimes, I get so excited when Jude's loving a book he's reading, that I'll hover just outside his bedroom door and surreptitiously watch him curled up with his book, on the verge of tears because it makes me so happy. And if he begs for me to let him stay up for "Just one more chapter!", I always let him, no matter how late it is.
Sometimes, I look into a mirror, expecting to see myself there, but instead, I see this slightly frumpy, saggy, middle-aged woman, who looks very, very much like...my mother.
Sometimes, I get tired of being Jimmy's straight man. Just once, I want to be the funny one. But then I once again find myself drawn into setting up the joke for him - I'm always the George Burns and he's always the Gracie.
Sometimes, I just assume that everyone likes me. But then, if I think about it, I realize that this is most likely not true.
Sometimes, I get secret joy from embarrassing Jude in public. I just can't seem to stop myself from singing a Christmas carol at the top of my lungs in the grocery store in April or some such thing. I know how much he hates it, but I do it anyway. I have no excuse for this behavior.
Sometimes, I wake up in the morning absolutely inspired to complete all of the many, many tasks I need to do, but then, somehow, I end up doing absolutely nothing all day but watching British tv shows which I've DVRed and fiddling on the internet.
Sometimes, I toss and turn in bed at night, unable to sleep. And after a while, I realize that the problem is that there is a tiny grain of sand, or maybe a tiny crumb underneath me. After I managed to flick it out of the bed, I'm good to go. I'm a total Princess and the Pea.
Sometimes, I find myself deliberately trying not to love our little dog, Fancy, too much, because I'm afraid she'll die and I won't be able to handle it. Then, I find myself deliberately trying to love her even more, because I'm afraid she'll die and I won't be able to handle it.
Sometimes, when I daydream, I plan my own funeral. I know all the music that my choir would perform, and who would sing the solos. It will be extremely dramatic and powerful. And I know exactly which people should eulogize me, who I know I can trust to strike just the right chord of humor and dignity. Many, many people will attend, and everyone will cry and cry. It's going to be fabulous.
Sometimes, I look at gorgeous bathrooms in magazines, rooms with huge, luxurious tubs with jacuzzis surrounded by candles, and while part of me desperately wishes that I had such a room, another part of me is afraid of them, because I already spend way too much time soaking in our plain jane old tub, and I think that if I had some kind of amazing bathroom sanctuary, I might never come out of there.
Sometimes, late at night, I sneak into Jude's room, kneel down next to his bed, bury my face deep into his neck and inhale. I'll just kneel there, smelling him for a rather long time.
Sometimes, I know that I will continue to sneak in and smell my boy until he is a grown up man, which I realize could possibly be considered creepy. I hope that he doesn't wake up and catch me and I am forced to pay for years of therapy to help him overcome this trauma.
Sometimes, I absolutely do not want to go to my choir rehearsal. It's late and I'm tired and I have to get up early the next morning and yada, yada, yada. But then I always force myself to go, I draaaaaaag my butt down there. And I'm ALWAYS glad I went because I love it. But then the next week I have completely wiped this knowledge from my memory and do not want to go to my choir rehearsal again.
Sometimes, I'm mortified that Jude will someday find out about all of the many naughty things I did in my ill-spent youth.
Sometimes, I think I was born to the wrong life. I would have done veeeeery well with more wealth and privilege.
Sometimes, I dream about moving to a peaceful place, some quiet, idyllic seaside town, far away from the hustle and bustle. But then I remember that quiet and idyllic bore the hell out of me.
Sometimes, I miss my parents so much that I close my eyes and try to remember exactly how their skin felt, what it felt like to hold each of their hands, their smells, the sound of their voices. And I can. And then I wonder if Jude will some day do the same with my memory, and I hope that my touch and smell are pleasant things to remember.
Sometimes, I go shopping for clothes, making my way around the store, gathering an armload of stuff I want to try on. But when I get into the dressing room, I realize that every single garment I chose, would have looked good on my body 15 years ago, but nowadays? Mmmm...no. I just can't seem to train myself to shop for clothing that is appropriate for my new age and size.
Sometimes, when Jude is doing something particularly good and saintlike, I worry that maybe he should do something really awful really quick, because if he's too virtuous God might take him from me, like those children who die young and become little angels. I realize that this is in no way rational.
Sometimes, I think I should stop hosting The Spin Cycle because I just don't have the time or energy to work at making it grow. I'm just not a "go-getter". But then I find a spin that I really love, like this "Sometimes" spin, inspired by the amazing Arnebya, and I decide that I love it and will never give it up.
Sometimes, you MUST go and check out all the other "Sometimes" spins!!
Arnebya at What Now and Why? -INSPIRED BY HER OWN SELF!
Next week on The Spin Cycle...
Inspired by Vandy J's "Why?" section of her "Sometimes" post this week, which was inspired by Arnebya's post...are you following me here? As I said last week about Arnebya, if you don't read Vandy, you SHOULD. I'm very excited because in a couple of weeks I get to actually meet and hang out with Vandy in real life! Aren't you jealous? Check out Vandy's "why?" post HERE. Then make it your own.
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