Camp Mama 2012 Week Ten: Old

I'm worried about the old ones.

Mommy, Pop and Aunt Grace are all over 80 now, and I'm afraid that they are all finally showing it. They still look good...

 

Mommy and Aunt Grace - looking fabulous at Mommy's 83rd Birthday dinner.

Pop - still rocking the colorful pocket handkerchief

 

But to look good isn't really to feel good.

It absolutely breaks my heart. They've been such a constant source of love and support for me for so long. It just kills me that they are each slipping into old age in their own way. And it's happened so quickly. In the last year, the changes are drastic.

For Pop, it's the physical. He's always been as strong as a bull. Really truly. In his youth, he was not only a minor league baseball player, playing on a Yankee's farm team, but he was a Golden Gloves boxer they called "White Lightning". He fought in the Korean War. He owned and managed his own book distribution warehouse for 40 years, getting up at 4:30 in the morning and heading down to that warehouse. He only retired a few years ago at 80! But now his body is failing him. While he was always a mass of aches and pains, it never got in his way. He was always on the go. But now he just can't do it. His mind and spirit are still as fiery as ever, but his body can't keep up.

For Aunt Grace, it's the mind. I am SO scared for her. In the last year, she has been forgetting more and more. Now, I find myself telling her the same thing four times in an hour, and she still can't retain it. Sometimes she's absolutely normal and extremely sharp, watching her CNBC financial news and obsessing over the stock market, but other times, especially late at night or early in the morning...or if she's had a martini...she just isn't herself. I worry about her in Manhattan all by herself. While she's still very physically active, and in truly excellent health, I fear that she'll be walking someplace and forget where she is and get afraid. Or forget to turn the gas off on the stove or something like that. And we're all afraid to talk to her about it because she's so stinking stubborn and independent. Breaks my heart.

And Mommy? Well, Mommy is still Mommy, thank God. But her fears and worries are getting worse, if that's possible. I mean, we actually had to lie to her TWICE this trip about where we were going, so she wouldn't have a freak out. When we got back from kayaking the other day (which was super fun, btw) and confessed to her where we'd been, she STILL had to take some medicinal blackberry brandy over what COULD have happened but didn't. "In a boat?! On the water?!" Sheesh.

And physically, her arthritis is getting really crippling. Saturday was her 83rd birthday, and as a special treat for her, I scrubbed the bathroom. Odd birthday gift, I know. But this woman is truly, the CLEANEST person in the world (second only to Aunt Grace, but don't tell her I said that), a woman who has always had everything in it's place and every inch of her house cleaned and scrubbed and perfect. But I'm afraid that the bathroom had devolved quite a bit. I guess she just can't see the dirt, and can't get down on her hands and knees and scrub properly. I had thought she might tell me not to do it, but she gave in immediately, which tells me just how hard it must be for her. She was so excited over how nice the bathroom was after I cleaned it that she called the Cathys (all of Mommy's friends are named Cathy) and told them about it "I can see my reflection in the tub!!!".

And the saddest thing of all? Many times I've mentioned Mommy's penchant for what she calls "that slutty look" and all of the "slutty tank tops" I've given her over the years. Well, she has finally, at age 83, decided that her arms just aren't what they used to be, and she needed to start wearing tops that cover her upper arms. So for another birthday gift, I found a couple of slutty tops that had 3/4 sleeves.

I am suddenly faced with the possibility of losing them. And I guess it's making me particularly aware of how lucky I am to have them.

My own parents died when I was still so young. Jude never met my Mama or my Daddy. But these people have embraced me as a daughter-in-law so completely. I am absolutely blessed. And you couldn't ask for better in-laws. They never question or try to control me. They are genuinely filled with unconditional love for me, which I realize is very rare.

And Jude adores them. Absolutely adores them. Even though they are on the opposite side of the country from us, he thinks of them all daily. And I thank God that he has these wonderful old people who worship the very ground the child walks on. For these last three weeks here in New York, he's been giving and accepting as many hugs and kisses as he can.

 

Mommy giving Jude "a million kisses". Please note Mommy's rollers, Grace ironing in the den, and the poetic placement of the heart-shaped wall decoration.

 

People think I'm crazy to spend 3 weeks of Camp Mama in New York with the geriatric crowd. Well, all of this is why we're here. I want Jude to get as much time with them as he can before they go.

So when I whine and gripe about how nutty they are, and please know how much I adore them. And feel free to remind me of how lucky I am.

Comments

[Arnebya]

You ARE lucky, but of course you already know that. I am glad you and Jude both have this time with them all. I know it's hard to imagine what it'll be like when they're gone. Here's to hoping you have many years before that thought occurs again.

My children know my parents but they know my father better. My mother lives perhaps 20 minutes away yet they only see her at birthdays and holidays. They see my father multiple times a week and talk to him on the phone as well. I am grateful for that. My husband's parents are still here as well, as is his 94 year old grandmother (who you'd look at and swear she isn't a day over 75). She is the most active elderly person I know. I am beyond grateful that my children still have the ability to talk to her (and yes, question her incessantly about life in the 20's).

[Jan's Sushi Bar]

I've ALWAYS been aware of how much you adore them, because you DO "whine and gripe" about them. If you didn't love them to death, you wouldn't write about them at all (notice the lack of mention of my family, beyond Beloved and our children, on my blog). You are so very, very lucky to have them in your life.

[mommylisa]

The nuttier - the funner. For real!

[Sprite's Keeper]

Can you please tell Mommy, that I am 35 and her arms are nicer than MINE??
I do understand though. Sprite loves her "adopted" great-grandparents so much and only gets to see them a handfull of times out of the year. Every time we see them, Sonny, my own "adopted" grandfather warns John and me that he probably won't make it to the next time we come down. (He's been saying this since before Sprite was born.)

[Kendra]

I understand exactly. Except I'm seeing it with my grandparents. I'm of course very lucky to still have a great-grandparent still alive but every time I see any of my grandparents I can see the toll their age is taking on them. And the fact that it can change drastically in a short amount of time. Good for Jude for letting them hug and kiss him at his age! :)

[Niki]

Gretchen, this is a beautiful tribute to our family, I have always said that when it comes to in-laws, and that of course includes Aunt Grace, we hit the jackpot. No two women were ever blessed by such a wonderful extended family. Unfortunatly, every thing you have said about their decline is true and it breaks my heart too. But it's not over till it's over and there is still a great deal of life there left.

[VandyJ]

You are so lucky that you have such a great family.
Having family that accepts you for you is wonderful. As nuts as my mom makes me, and as crazy as Nick's dad makes us, we know they love us. And they are fantastic with the boys.

[ar]

I feel your pain as my parents are 81 and 84 and tho healthy and still physically able I can see decline but at this age I guess it's expected tho not welcome I am sure either by them or me. It is great that you are spending time with them and letting them know Jude...... they are all fortunate for that and you are a good daughter-in-law and niece. the scary part is that someday our children will also be echoing what we are thinking now. It's just the circle of life, isn't it?
Time stands still for no one.
Hope the rest of your trip in NY is wonderful.

[Kristie]

I can feel the love you have for your in-laws and how wonderful that you and Jude get to spend this amount of time with them every summer. I also love it when you are there as we get all the great stories and they always make me laugh. Thanks for sharing them with me!

[Ginny Marie]

Sweetest post ever! Jude will be so happy you took him to New York every summer. :D

My work post is up! http://www.lemondroppie.com/2012/08/dreaded-question-for-sahms/

[geri desantis]

Gretchen it breaks my heart also. I remember the day Mary entered my life to help me with my girls. We had such great times together and she was the "Mom" I never had. Both of my girls who are grown woman and moms themselves never forget Mary. She and the whole family are truly a blessing to me and my family!