WARNING: ANY MAN WHO HAS FOOLISHLY CHOSEN TO READ TODAY'S POST SHOULD LEAVE IMMEDIATELY IF HE WANTS WOMEN TO REMAIN ALLURING AND MYSTERIOUS. BECAUSE SOME TRUTHS ARE ABOUT TO BE TOLD.
We all remember getting "The Talk". The birds and the bees. Becoming...a woman. My Mama ate this stuff up - loved being my "girlfriend". I remember her getting all misty-eyed about how her little girl was growing up. She bought me an assortment of feminine hygiene products, which she insisted on showing me how to use. My BFF Kaysie's mom had just filled a grocery sack with a variety of Kotex and left them outside her bedroom door in the middle of the night. But Mama actually wanted to HELP ME insert my first tampon! I kid you not. She insisted on hovering outside the bathroom door, "Is it in? Did you get it in?" "GO AWAY MOTHER! I can do this myself!"
But despite Mama's thorough and enthusiastic introduction to all things "woman", she never once talked to me about the next major phase in our lives...(cue ominous dum, dum, dum music)...menopause. She didn't share with me one single thing -- not a word. Despite the fact that she must have been going through it at the same time I was becoming a teenager (just imagine my poor Daddy's misery!), she never even mentioned her "change". It was a different time.
But now, BlogHer, in conjunction with Poise, is not only encouraging us, but actually PAYING us to have...The Second Talk. That's right, everything your mother never told you about The Change. And amazingly, Poise is actually launching a new first-of-its-kind line of over-the-counter "feminine wellness products" to help with symptoms of menopause! I'm gonna need to repeat that phrase - "first-of-its-kind". There has never been a line of products which exclusively help the symptoms of menopause! SAD. Clearly, this Poise company is run by women!
So here I go. Here's the Second Talk that your mother should have given you. I suggest you prepare yourselves. Mmmm...perhaps you should sit down.
The following are some of the hideous changes which will happen to your body...
For my entire womanhood, my periods have been like clockwork. Every 30 days..."Hello Girlfriend." But as soon as this whole peri-menopause thing started my period got all weird and off schedule. It will go away for months and then BANG - back again. Sometimes I'll have TWO in a month. Misery. It happens.
2. You will have a Carrie moment.
And I don't mean this Carrie...
I mean this Carrie...
The term "stuck pig" comes to mind. After a lifetime of being a Regular tampon kind of girl, I am suddenly a Super Plus. And since it now shows up at random and inconvenient times, it's hard to always be prepared.
3. You will experience the pain of being incinerated from the inside out.
Also known as the hot flash. But "hot" is such a mild adjective that I feel I should elucidate. A burning heat begins in the center of your body and quickly radiates out to all of your extremities. Your pulse races; your breathing quickens. Sweat breaks out all over your body. You twitch and shake as if you're being electrocuted. I liken it to The Cruciatus Curse.
And this tends to be brought on by both coffee and alcohol, in other words, everything that makes life worth living. They also pop up when you're emotional or stressed, say...in the middle of a presentation or job interview or singing a solo. You know, convenient times like that.
And guess what? There's nothing you can do to stop them. Nothing. You can, however, kind of ease them. I'm looking forward to trying these new Poise products...
Roll-On Cooling Gel
Body Cooling Towelettes
...both of which claim to provide an "instant cooling sensation", which makes me slightly weak with desire for them.
4. You will become a nasty bitch.
Or a nastier bitch, depending on the mood in which you begin this whole odyssey. I am not a "hormonal" person. I have never known what PMS felt like. Weird, but true. Now, however? Oh yes. I get it. A biting, self-righteous, bitter anger toward everyone and everything stupid. Which is everyone and everything. My bullshit tolerance is down to zero. Actually...it's kind of freeing. Everybody better just shut up and stay out of my way.
5. You will pee yourself.
Yes, I know many of you lost the ability to control your urine flow back when you birthed a large child out of your small vagina. But sadly, menopause will make it worse. Forget jumping jacks or the trampoline, this happens when you're just sneezing or...walking.
6. Funky things will happen to your hoo-hoo.
Thankfully, none of this stuff has happened to me...yet. But apparently, it will. First of all, you will experience some kind of dreadful vaginal odor. I don't know exactly how dreadful we're talking about here. Try Googling "vaginal odor menopause" and you will gasp in horror. Poise is making these babies...
...which I think work kind of like those air fresheners you hang from your rearview mirror. Good to know. Because, seriously, I like to feel all pretty down there.
Also, your hoo-hoo will...dry up. I can't think of anything that would make a woman feel more like a hideous old hag than a dried-up hoo-hoo. I am not looking forward to this one at all. The good news is that lubricant is easy, and Poise's Personal Lubricant is made without fragrance, glycerin, or parabens.
Okay, ladies, that's it. That's your Second Talk. I hope you consider yourselves informed. And empowered. The truth will set you free. There's no reason to panic, we're all in it together.
You may now invite the men back into the room.
Poise brand wants to rally 1 million women to pledge to have The Second Talk by October 18th, which is World Menopause Day (who knew?). Please join the conversation and take the pledge at The2ndTalk.com.
BlogHer and Poise are also having a SWEEPSTAKES in which you can win...drumroll...a $250 Visa Gift Card! And who doesn't want that?!
All you have to do to be entered for a chance to win is to leave a comment answering the question "When do you feel most confident?" Here are the rules and how to win
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