Still camping with the ladies. So here's yet another rerun. An oldie but a goodie from way, way back in 2009, back when I was still just a wee tot of a blogger. And hey, who doesn't want to read more about my pubic hair?
Camp Mama 2009 Week Nine: Tales From the Netherworld
Well, it was bound to happen eventually. All my friends have been expecting it. It was just a matter of time.
I am now going to blog about my pubic hair.
First, I must explain…I have virtually no hair on my body. Arms, legs…nothing. Look…
All of my hair is concentrated in two areas on my body – the top of my head, and between my legs (well, and that one weird one that grows out of my chin, but lets not talk about that). My long standing joke is that I have an old Bulgarian man living between my legs. The word “bush” is an appropriate euphemism.
Needless to say, care and maintenance of this abundant thatch has been a lifelong issue for me. Shaving is out. It looks okay for about 24 hours, then the entire area erupts into a horrible red, painful, itchy rash. And truly, I don’t need a bunch of recommendations of how to remedy this, I’ve tried everything. Every kind of razor, shaving cream, pre-shave cream, post-shave cream. Nothing helps. Depilatories work, but after only a couple of days, Mr. Tsvetanov has returned. The only thing that really works, and lasts and makes me feel all pretty down there, is a good bikini wax.
About a year ago, I was having a bit of a bikini wax emergency, and was forced to take Jude with me on a waxing appointment. I go to my friend Tessa, who is a wonderful esthetician. I had set Jude up in the waiting room with a game, and strict instructions that he was NOT to interrupt Mama and Tessa. Well…guess what? The kid walked in right when Tessa had her head in my crotch and was in mid-rip. Horrifying. It took me quite a while to explain what the nice lady was doing to Mama’s “bottom”. I swear to God.
All of that said…
The other day, Jude and I decided to go hangout at the public pool. I was in pretty dire need of a waxing, but was saving up to get it done right before we left to go to New York on vacation (much more on this topic later), and I figured “What the hell? It’s just me and the kid. Who’s looking at my crotch?” So while we were sitting next to the pool in our swimsuits, Jude looked down, made an “icky” face, and said in the most incredulous and disgusted tone, “Ewww Mama. Why did you not cut the hair on your bottom?” I immediately made an appointment with Tessa.
Unfortunately, the only way I could make this appointment was by taking Jude with me again. So this time, I was determined to avoid disaster. I sat the kid in the waiting room with his DSi with TWO games, my iPhone, and TWO snacks. That should hold him. And sure enough, no problem. I managed to get myself thoroughly epilated without further damaging my child’s psyche.
Next stop? The chiropractors. I have a chronic issue with my tailbone. I’ve broken my coccyx THREE times, which is just bizarre, and makes me believe that something in the universe is trying to tell me something. Is there some kind of a chakra down there that I need to deal with? So anyway, occasionally it gets really sore and out of whack. So following my success at the esthetician, I figured it was safe to take Jude with me on a doctors appointment, right? Once again, I set him up in the waiting room with his DSi, my iPhone, TWO snacks…
And when does the child walk in this time? Right when the chiropractor is in the middle of manipulating what is essentially Mama’s butt. I swear to God. I’m thinking that if I open a small CD now, it will have grown nicely in time to pay for his therapy. It’s the least I can do.