I've got two words for you.
A pair of them. One for Jude and one for his friend A.J.
As a public service, I will share with you the following informative lesson in...
How To Make a Lego Zombie Costume -
- Waste weeks and weeks while your child vacilates back and forth between wanting to be a Lego Zombie and wanting to be a Giant Two-Headed Snake.
- Spend two days driving around town trying to score cardboard. Grocery stores, appliance stores, nobody has any stinking cardboard any more. Apparently, they stick it immediately into some kind of crusher.
- Finally end up cruising alleys of East Hollywood, swiping cardboard out of dumpsters.
- Have a pathetic argument with your ridiculously honest and law-abiding 8-year old about whether it is or is not morally correct to steal cardboard out of the back of a truck if no one is watching. Child wins by shaming you.
- Locate last cardboard box on a street corner. It's full of coffee grinds, damp paper towels and what appears to be cockroach droppings. Nothing a coat of spray paint won't fix up!
- Troll the 99 Cent store looking for containers of the right size and shape to make Lego hands. End up buying several containers of Fritos and smaller containers of roasted peanuts, none of which you can eat because of your stupid diet.
- Have to go back to the 99 Cent store 3 times because you keep forgetting stuff.
- Spend 2 days sawing cardboard with your X-Acto knife. Cover the entire living room and dining room with tiny bits of cardboard sawdust. Stop even attempting to clean up after yourself after the first day. There will be plenty of time to clean around Thanksgiving.
- Tiny moment of joy when you're sitting there, sneezing and coughing (did I fail to mention the rotten cold you have?) and sawing away with your X-Acto knife and your child walks up to you and says sweetly "Mom, I'm thankful for all the work you do for me." Your heart melts. You keep sawing.
- Duct tape.
- More duct tape.
- Spray paint.
- Trip to hardware store for more spray paint.
- Trip to second hardware store for more spray paint because the other store ran out of the color you needed.
- Trip to third hardware store because nobody has the damned paint color you need.
- Stupidly inhale a wee bit too much spray paint, which causes the hairs inside your nostrils to stick together and gives you a strange high, which is actually rather pleasant, despite the knowledge that you are most probably killing your brain cells.
- Paint details.
For those of you questioning my sanity, I assure you that I came by this Halloween overkill nonsense honestly. While most of my friends sported plastic masks from the drug store, my Mama would spend weeks sewing my costumes. I was SO proud of them. Seriously. Unfortunately, this is the only picture I can find (though I have more somewhere - I think in that box of stupid slides)...
I am Cat Woman on the left. That Cat Woman costume was FAB-U-LOUS! I was a tiny little 7-year old Julie Newmar. I was hot. You can't see in that terrible picture, but Mama sewed me a little cat ears head piece, a tight little catsuit with a cool logo on the front and a black cape. I will never forget this costume. And I was so proud that MY Mama had made it for me!
So shoot me.
I hereby submit this to the Spin Cycle: Halloween then and now. Please visit Sprite's Keeper for my Halloweeniness.