Mommy Survives the Disasters

Part One: The Earthquake

Gretchen, having heard about the VA earthquake on CNN, calls Mommy to monitor the level of hysteria.

MOMMY

(almost certainly having had

a medicinal Scotch)

Hello!!

GRETCHEN

Hey Mommy, how are things?

MOMMY

Oh my God! Did you hear about the excitement? We had...

(dramatic pause)

...a EARTHQUAKE.

GRETCHEN

I know, Mommy, I saw it on CNN.

MOMMY

It's on ALL the channels. Every single one.

GRETCHEN

Did you feel it?

MOMMY

Oh YES. I was standing in the kitchen and I felt something kinda

shove me. You know what I thought?

GRETCHEN

No, Mommy, what?

MOMMY

I thought it was the spooks!

GRETCHEN

Spooks?

MOMMY

I thought it was the ghosts fooling with me!

GRETCHEN

Ah.

MOMMY

But then I went into the den and there it was on the tv. A earthquake!

It's on ALL the channels. I tell ya, I'm so shook up I don't know what to do.

GRETCHEN

Well Mommy, I know it must have been kind of freaky,

but it wasn't really too severe of an earthquake. I don't think there

were any injuries, or any damage in the New York area, was there?

MOMMY

Oh YES! Some bricks fell off a building. In Brooklyn!

GRETCHEN

Bricks. Uh huh.

MOMMY

And they say there's gonna be aftershocks! It's on ALL the channels!

GRETCHEN

Yeah. But Mommy, you have to remember that there are always

aftershocks to an earthquake, and you are very far away from the

epicenter of the quake, so I doubt very much that you'll feel them at all.

MOMMY

(doubtful)

Oh, well, maybe so.

GRETCHEN

And all those tv channels...you have to remember that it's their job

to scare you. To report the news, but then repeat the same thing over and

over again. It's what they do.

MOMMY

Oh, well maybe so...

GRETCHEN

I really think that the danger is past.

MOMMY

Mmmm. Well maybe I should just move everything off

all the shelves. Just in case.

GRETCHEN

(sigh...)

Maybe so. Just to be safe.

MOMMY

Okay, I'll do that right now!

GRETCHEN

Good thinking. Because, you know, it's on all the channels.

MOMMY

Yes! ALL of them!

 

Part Two: The Hurricane

The lead up to Hurricane Irene was very involved, and entailed many preparatory phone calls. She was busy for several days, getting everything in order for the big blow.

MOMMY

I need to get Steve to take me to the Waldbaums. So we can stock

up on food. They say we could lose the lights for up to FIVE days!

GRETCHEN

Well that's a good idea, Mommy. Make sure you have batteries

and maybe some bottled water, just to be safe.

MOMMY

I want to stock up on milk.

GRETCHEN

(sigh...)

Well Mommy, don't you think it would be better to stock

up on foods that aren't...perishable? If the electricity's gonna go out?

MOMMY

Well, I need milk. How else am I gonna eat my Honey Nut Cheerios?!

She was also very adamant that Pop haul in the ice chests from the garage.

MOMMY

They say that if we don't touch nothing in the fridge, things will

stay good without the electricity for several days.

GRETCHEN

I think that's true.

MOMMY

But I want to have the ice chests so if the fridge starts to warm

up, I can move all the meat into the ice chests and keep it cold with ice.

GRETCHEN

But Mommy, if the refrigerator's been out for several days...

where are you going to get the ice?

MOMMY

(stumped)

Huh?

GRETCHEN

If you haven't had electricity for several days, where are you

going to get the ice?

MOMMY

(fumbling)

We'll...get it...at the...Waldbaums!

GRETCHEN

Well don't you think that if you don't have electricity

at your house, they won't have electricity at the Waldbaums?

[Author's Note: Waldbaums Supermarket is 1 block from Mommy's house]

MOMMY

(undaunted)

Then we'll get the ice from...the ice store.

GRETCHEN

(damn, she's good)

Good idea, Mommy.

Arguments evolved between Mommy and...well, everyone.

Aunt Grace was determined to stick it out in her apartment in Manhattan. Mommy, of course, thought Grace had completely lost her mind, and was beside herself with worry and anger. I understood some of what Mommy was saying - Grace was on the 26th floor, which would probably get blown pretty seriously if the hurricane stayed strong enough, and, more importantly, it's a whole lotta stairs to walk down if they lost electricity, and the elevators stopped working. And she is, you know, almost 80. And she's extremely stubborn, pretty much thick as a brick.

But when I spoke with Grace, it became clear that she was preparing herself very well. She had been to the D'Agostino's and stocked up on pasta, cheddar Goldfish, and red wine. She also bought a new flashlight, water and candles. She was good to go.

Mommy's argument with Pop was about the car. Pop has a brand new car, a Mazda, which they both consider very modern and youthful, having only ever owned American-made cars. Mommy was very worried about the car, and wanted Pop to pull it into the garage. Unfortunately, they haven't used the garage to house a car since 1977, and it's pretty full of boxes and lawn furniture and stuff. Pop refused to move everything just to put the car in there for one night.

Again, in some ways Mommy was right. Pop parks the car directly under a huge, old-growth tree, and in past hurricanes, they've ended up with the yard full of branches. It probably would have been a good idea to pull the thing inside, just in case.

But I'm afraid that we all tend to react to Mommy's hysteria in the same way - we become uber relaxed and Zen. The more nuts she gets, the more cavalier we become about impending danger.

When I spoke with her Sunday morning, after Hurricane Irene blew through, bless her heart, she wouldn't give an inch.

Grace had completely redeemed her decision to stay in her apartment by getting up at 5 o'clock on Sunday morning and finding rain leaking in from the terrace door onto her hardwoods. She was able to mop it up with "old towels" before any damage was done. She was very careful to note that they were the "old towels".  Remember that Grace is the tidiest woman on the planet, and the only thing worse than damaged hardwoods would be mopping up rainwater with the good towels.

And of course, Pop's car was just fine. But Mommy kept trying...

MOMMY

Steve's car is just COVERED with leaves. It's terrible!

GRETCHEN

Leaves. Goodness gracious.

MOMMY

And they say that there may still be more wind. A branch

could STILL come down and hit the car!

GRETCHEN

You just never know.

MOMMY

And the yard is FULL of branches. I'm telling ya, it's gonna

take a LOT of work to get it cleaned up!

GRETCHEN

Don't you have a yardman who will do that kind of thing for you?

MOMMY

Well, yes, but it's gonna be a LOT of work for him!

GRETCHEN

Mmm. You're probably right about that.

MOMMY

And the puddles! Ah, the puddles are EVERYWHERE!

And you know what?! Yesterday the priest said that all the

masses for this morning were CANCELLED. Can you imagine?

You know it must have been very serious if they cancelled all

the masses!

 

I'm thinking that the priest and all the channels must be working together. 

 

 

Comments

[Jan]

You know, I do believe I've developed a deep fondness for Mommy over the past couple of years.

Probably because I don't have to talk to her on the phone.

[MamaBadger]

Ok, but I have to defend Mommy a bit. Being back east during all the pre-Irene bluster, they were talking about evacuating the city all together for a while. And they did evacuate down town. So, for a normally nervous Mommy, this all seems rather tame! Poor woman. I hope they came through Sunday night alright, too.

[VandyJ]

My brother-in-law and his partner live in New York. They are here visiting right now and they have only secondhand news of what's going on back there.
I'm glad Mommy came through OK.

[Fiddledeedee]

I don't believe that you could have a more perfect mother-in-law, my friend. :)