The other day, Keely mentioned her recent plans for world domination, and how she would decorate her minion-filled evil lair.
I, too, have often fantasized about global sovereignty, but I like to believe I would be a beloved and benevolent leader. A caring master, who delivers joy and prosperity to all her peoples.
We (that's the royal we, y'all) would be fair but firm. In order to benefit the lives of my many subjects, I'm afraid there will have to be a few changes made around here.
BY PROCLAMATION OF HER MAJESTY QUEEN GRETCHEN I
The following changes will be made to the rule of order of the Planet Earth, effective immediately.
- The muffin top is the new erogenous zone.
- All wars will immediately cease. All moneys previously spent on weapons and the military will henceforward be allocated for research to discover cures for all disease, poverty, snoring and menopause.
- All public spitting will be outlawed. Miscreants will be put before a lugie firing squad.
- Prince James, my Prince Consort, will hereby do as I tell him, behave as I wish him, and stop leaving his junk all over the bathroom.
- No one is allowed to wear sandals unless they have had a pedicure within the last month.
- Manicures, pedicures and lengthy massages by attractive, young masseurs are now covered by my Universal Health Care.
- The following words are hereby banished from the English language - "anyways", "lite", "LMFAO" and all of it's derivitives, "like" used incorrectly, as in "Colin Firth is, like, the sexiest man.", "awesome" and "cougar" used to describe anything other than a member of a large American feline species.
- All of the youths in Los Angeles who insist on listening to rap music in their cars at airplane decibels with their windows rolled down will at least be taught the importance of adjusting the bass to a level wherein one can actually hear the music.
- Sarah Palin, Britney Spears, Rush Limbaugh, Kanye West, Charlie Sheen, Jon Gosselin, Andy Dick, Kelly Ripa, Dr. Phil, Tom Cruise, the entire cast of Jersey Shore and that girl from the Progressive commercials will be banished to the Archepelego of the Annoying, where they will be forced to endure... each other.
- The phrase "sugar-free dessert" is now an oxymoron.
- That mother doing traffic duty at Jude's school who insists on talking on her cell phone every day while she's supposed to be keeping our offspring from being run over by cars will have her cell phone permanently fused to her head, then be forced to stand before the parent board while we all jeer and pelt her with outdated cellphone models.
- Middle-aged is now the new black.
Further edicts from Her Royal Highness will be forthcoming as soon as more new laws cross Her Majesty's wise yet fickle mind.
Queen Gretchen welcomes all praise and admiration lavished on her by her loyal subjects, as well as any and all gifts, goods or services they choose to shower upon her. Special mention of how very young and thin she looks would certainly put one in her good graces.
Signed by Her hand in our city of Los Angeles, on the twenty-first day of January in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven.