Spin Cycle: Thumbing My Nose At Fear

I am not by nature a fearful person. Not that I don't have fears, I certainly DO. But I work very hard not to let them get in my way. For this I thank my parents, who, though they certainly had their issues, were mostly pretty pragmatic and taught me to understand that fears will only get in the way of your doing what you want and need to do. 

One of my favorite "Mama" stories, is about the time I discovered a copperhead in the shed. A copperhead is a nasty, poisonous snake, indigenous to the land in and around Austin where I grew up. Mama had sent me to get a container of frozen black-eyed peas out of the "deep freeze" (for those of you who are not children of the '60's, a deep freeze was the extra freezer that was kept outside the house, usually in the garage) and when I opened the door of the shed, there, blocking the freezer door, was the huge snake. I ran, screaming, to tell Mama. She came out, took one look at the big, freaky, deadly snake and ran screaming to tell Daddy, who was taking his Sunday afternoon nap. Now, Daddy's naps were a bit sacred, and certainly not something that should be interrupted. Mama ran in shrieking "ROY!! There's a copperhead in the shed!!!"

Daddy rolled over groggily, pondered this information for a moment then announced in a slow, matter-of-fact voice "Well, I guess you should kill it." He then rolled back over and went back to sleep.

Now, to those of you who didn't know him, this may sound cruel or callous. But it wasn't. Daddy was never those things. He was simply extremely practical and logical. When he saw something that needed to be done, he did it. And he assumed that everyone around him was the same way. And his snake-killing skills were legendary. I had personally seen him kill a rattlesnake by smashing it's head in with a rock. And Mama and Aunt Margaret swore that once, he had killed a rattler that was hiding in Aunt M's bushes by grabbing the thing with his bare hands and smashing it's head against the patio furniture. So to him, killing a dangerous snake was simply what you had to do.

Mama, on the other hand, was something of a big ninny. But, she was also stubborn, and never, EVER, refused a dare. This is something that I'm afraid I have inherited, and has gotten me into a bit of mischief over the years. So she walked right back outside, picked up the hoe that she used in her rose garden and, while I stood by squealing things like "Ewwwwww" and "Grooooooooossss", hacked the poor snake to pieces. She then gathered the dead snake parts into a trash can, got the black-eyed peas out of the freezer, and made dinner.

For Jimmy's family, I'm afraid, fear is a different story. Fear is a way of life. Fear is a guiding principle. Before any decision or plan is made, every possible negative, every conceivable disaster is worried and fretted and discussed. The very idea of something bad happening, the mere suggestion that perhaps, maybe, at some time in the future, if everything goes wrong, something bad might possibly happen...will drive my mother-in-law Mommy to the liquor cabinet for a medicinal blackberry brandy. The poor woman lives in a shroud of fear, and lays her fears on everyone around her. This constant nervous second guessing is extremely limiting, if not completely paralyzing. I see this in my dear husband, and I know that if his family had been less fearful, his life, his career, his ambitions, would have been extremely different.

This is why I'm determined NOT to lay this kind of crap on Jude. This is why, every single night, I say the following prayer for Jude - "Please Lord, don't let him be a fearful person. Help him to be strong and confident and courageous." This is why, despite a gripping fear of heights, I used to be a regular rockclimber - hanging off the side of a cliff by nothing more than my fingertips and a carabiner, palms dripping in sweat. This is why I, as a 48-year-old woman, find myself ice skating and sledding and throwing my old body down water slides with names like Shotgun Falls and Dr. Von Dark's Tunnel of Terror. Cause I don't want him to see me sweat.

It's funny, I was just explaining to Jude this week, that everybody has fears, a brave person is simply someone who is afraid but doesn't let the fear stop them from doing anything. He turned to me and said "Just like you, Mama, when we went to the Empire State Building!" Which made me extremely proud, because he was RIGHT.

My skyscraper-obsessed child wanted nothing more than to go to the top of the Empire State Building, the mere thought of which sent a chill of weakness from the backs of my wobbling knees up my spine and settled right behind my left ear. But I wasn't going to be like my mother-in-law. I wasn't going to let him see my fear get in my way.

"What's wrong with you Gretchen?" I said to myself. "Do you want him to know you're a big wimp? Do you want him to grow up to be afraid of everything?" 

"Leave me alone!" I said back to myself. "It's too freaking scary!!"

"Scaredy cat! Big ninny!" I taunted myself.

"I will faint! I will vomit! I can't do it!" I yelled back at myself.

But I then remembered something, and said to myself in a taunting way..."I dare you."

So I did it. And there's nothing more satisfying than flying in the face of your fears. Of being afraid, but doing it anyway. And now Jude thinks I'm brave.

Jude and Me at the top of the ESB. Notice my strained, forced smile, the veins

bulging at my neck and the viselike grip I have on my child.

Someone told me once that if we hold onto a fear, and never face it, it will manifest itself in our life.

My biggest fear used to be growing old, and never having a child. I managed to face and overcome that one.

My biggest fear now? Dying and leaving Jude alone. Let's see how well I do at staring that one down.

Please visit the Spin Cycle at Sprite's Keeper for more frightening stories.

Comments

[Sprite's Keeper]

Well said! I am definitely afraid of snakes and always have been. I know my daughter is already inheriting those traits since she's acted that way with spiders and it's all my fault. I need to remember this. You're linked!

[Michele]

Snakes *shudder*.

Good for you for not letting Jimmy's family fearful way pass down to your son.

[The Bug]

Good for you! I've done similar things just so I wouldn't have to say I was a wimp...

I grew up with a deep freezer - we kept it in the basement. In fact, just this year Daddy replaced it. I think the old one was around 30+ years old. Dr. M & I have a small one in our garage. I don't think I know how to live without one.

[Mama Badger]

Ok, see you should have warned me that there was a big ol' snake picture on the page when I scrolled down...

Snakes are the one fear that I really just can't control. I, like you, though don't want my kids to see my fear. So I avoid all possible encounters with them. I have to use the potty at that point of the zoo. PB takes through the snake part of the Nature Center.

You and your Mom are made of some tough stuff, I tell you. Congrats.

[The Lawyer Mom]

Your mom was one brave woman! I don't do snakes, not even the little garden ones.

And you look great atop the Empire State. Really. You don't look scared at all.

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

Oh, I love this Spin. Great story. Your parents sound like real characters!
I have gone on some really terrifying roller coasters because I didn't want my kids to think I was afraid. I found closing my eyes and screaming helps A LOT!
I love that photo! You did it!

[Aimee]

I have goosebumps, and my heart is racing a million miles an hour, but now that I've finished reading this post, I'm SO GLAD I didn't immediately shut down the browser upon seeing the photograph of that copperhead!!!

Like some of the other commenters, my big fear is snakes. Any snake. Garden snake. Copperhead. Rat Snake. Cobra. They are all equal in my mind and make me want to throw up, then run away and hide, when I so much as see photographs of them. I don't go in the reptile house, even though I adore turtles and lizards. I'm afraid I can't put that brave face on for my boys. I hope they're getting the message, "Everyone's afraid of something," rather than, "Mom's a wimp!!" ;)

[Lisa]

How are we supposed to notice your fear when you are carrying that wonderful purse in that Empire State Building photo?!?! Actually, I did notice the vice-like grip on Jude first ... and then the purse. So there you go. Great post.

[Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)]

Your hubby sounds like mine - he can be rather pessimistic about things and offer up all sorts of doom and gloom. I, on the other hand, am an eternal optimist, so I'm hoping that I can instill less pessimism and more optimism in Princess Nagger. ;)

Way to go setting aside your fears and going to the top of the Empire State Building! I didn't see the 'death grip' at first as I scrolled down, but once you mentioned it, I noticed it. I'd be the same way. ;)

[Niki]

Face your fear and do it anyway. I think we should have that incribed on a plaque for a Christmas present, it might help. Or it might get us thrown out of the house! ;0 Good for you.

[Amy]

Great Spin! I applaud your bravery, and your determination to keep Jude from a fear-dictated path. My dad has developed OCD late in his very sane life, and thus living with/facing fear has taken on a whole new meaning for me. It is truly paralyzing, and the saddest thing I can imagine.

I love your momma more every time you write about her!

[Steff]

I love this post. We live in an area of OK where rattlers, timber rattlers, and copperheads are all found on a regular basis. The kids are aware of the dangers and they have seen both their father and I kill snakes. I am afraid of guns, but they have also seen me shoot(never mind that I can barely hit the broad side of a barn from the inside). I am the more fearful one in our household though and I pray daily that they don't inherit that from me. I want them to get their dad's fearlessness. And it seems we have gotten 2 outta 3 on that one. Keif, my oldest seems to take more after me on that and it makes me sad for him. Tanner has no clue what the word fear even means, he thankfully is a carbon copy of his daddy and Sawyer @ 13 months seems to be showing the same signs. I want them to know though that its ok to be afraid sometimes, because courage is being afraid in some situations and taking control and doing what is needed in spite of that fear.
Today, I pulled our travel trailer, only 20 miles, but for a sissy city kid, I am still proud of it. And there was such a look of AWE from the boys when their dad told them I not only drove his truck(think big 1 ton dually w/ welding bed) but also drove his truck while pulling the 5th wheel. But the thing is I wanted to do it with Chris their to support me just to get used to it, so that I could prove to myself if there was ever the need, I could do it myself.
Steff