Spin Cycle: Hero

Melissa is THAT mom. You know the one- the head of every committee, the team mom for every sports team for each of her three children. She's the organizer of Beach Friday, and always shows up with Doritos and her cowboy hat. She's the mayor of "The Village" and the originator of the BLT. 

She's that mom that shows up for park play dates with plentiful snacks for everyone, and labeled Sigg water bottles for each of her kids. I'm the one who, when her son complains that he's thirsty, looks around frantically for a water fountain, and has to dig in the bottom of her purse for an old pack of airline peanuts when he's hungry. She a source of all knowledge - has everybody's phone number, knows everybody's birthday, always knows when the sign up day is for every sport.

Melissa knows everyone, and is friends with everyone. She seems every bit as comfortable in a group of extremely privileged, wealthy housewives as she is with a group of women who are all recent immigrants and work as housekeepers. She's the pretty mom with the three pretty children who takes them to everything. She gets those kids to every play date, to every carnival, to every party, every fun function or event around. They are involved in tee ball, soccer, basketball, swimming, ballet, tai kwon do, tumbling. She's a lovely hostess and their house is a hub of activity.

Her family has had an extremely rough time lately. I recently blogged about their escape from the evil landlady. Money has been scarce, her husband's work (and lack thereof) extremely stressful. There have been weeks when she honestly didn't have the cash to feed her children. She's been handling pretty much everything pretty much on her own. And she's carried her family through it all with tremendous grace and strength. I honestly don't believe that her children have been in any way aware that their parents have endured any pain and suffering or fear.

Heroic, right? But the element I've left out of the story thus far, the struggle that makes Melissa a real hero to me, is that she suffers from MS. "Holy Shit!" you say. Yep. Multiple Sclerosis.

MS is an extremely mysterious and unpredictable disease. Right now, she's in pretty good shape. In fact, if you didn't know she had it, you'd never guess. She would be that woman who pulls into the handicapped space with her minivan full of kids and you'd curse at her for taking the space from somebody who really needs it. Little would you know that, in fact, her entire left side is numb. 24/7. She can't feel heat. Once, she had a burn on her hand, and when I asked her about it, she admitted that she'd picked up a pan and it wasn't until she looked and saw her skin sizzling that she realized it was burning her. A few months ago, she had a minor relapse. I stopped to talk to her at the gym while she was working out. Suddenly, she stumbled and almost fell off the elliptical machine. Turns out she hadn't had any feeling in her left side for weeks. And she NEVER complained about it.

Four years ago, just before I met her, she had a very serious relapse. For three months she lost the use of her arms and legs. At the time, her oldest son was 2 years old, and her boy/girl twins were 6 months. She couldn't hold them. Couldn't help them. When it was time for the twins to eat their first bites of solid food, she couldn't feed them, because she couldn't hold a spoon. She did, however, with the help of others, manage to breastfeed them through all this. Unbelievable. She relied heavily on her husband and on friends, who came through in a huge way. A testament to Melissa's character.

MS can be genetic. Melissa's mother has suffered from it all of Melissa's adult life. She's been completely wheelchair bound since she was 50. When I met Melissa's mother I was stunned. The first thing I noticed is that she looks just like Melissa. The second thing was that though her beautiful face glowed with feeling, she was unable to speak. She has no use of her body. She can blink and smile. And that's it.

I was terribly shaken. In the few years since I've known her, Melissa and I have become very close. Despite our ten year age difference, we're very much alike. I truly feel that I can share anything with her. We are "family" and are able to count on each other whenever the other needs anything. I find myself depending on her often. Then I look at her lovely mother in her wheelchair and think "will this be her fate?" The thought actually makes me shake my head to get the visual to disappear from my brain. No way. How could this happen to a woman who is SO active, SO vibrant, SO charming, SO beautiful, SO fun? A woman who does SO MUCH.

Then it hit me. That's WHY she does so much. We've never talked about it. I can only put myself in her place, and imagine what I would do. There is, in fact, a strong possibility that in the next 15 to 20 years, she will end up just like her mother. And she wants her children to remember her as the BEST mom of all. The MOST vibrant mom of all. Remember that theirs was the BEST childhood. That she loved them COMPLETELY and THOROUGHLY. That they missed NOTHING, and she missed NOTHING. THAT'S heroic.

I pray with all my heart that she escapes this fate. I really don't know what I'd do without her active presence. But I know that I would be there for her if she needed me.

One often hears the phrase "at least I've got my health". Well, Melissa doesn't. But I do. There but for the grace of God go I. I must always remember, whenever I start stressing about the many crosses I have to bear in my life, that none of them are as heavy as Melissa's. Whenever I start whining about how big of a pain in the ass Jimmy is, or the fact that I'm starting to have hot flashes (oh Lord, yes it's starting, but that's a WHOLE other blog for you) I have to just say to myself "Shut up woman! At least you aren't, you know, NUMB. You can WALK. And KISS your husband. And HOLD your precious child."

Every day new discoveries are made, new medicines developed. MS research is thriving. The medicines Melissa takes now are far better than those her mother took when she was her age. Hopefully this will keep the disease at bay. But more progress must be made. Please take a moment and visit the MS Society website by clicking here and make a donation. I would greatly appreciate it. Melissa would appreciate it. Her family would appreciate it.

Thank you to Sprite's Keeper for suggesting Bravery and Heroics for the topic of her weekly Spin Cycle. Please click over to her to check out fellow bloggers "spins".

Comments

[Jan]

Wow. Just...wow.

Donation made.

[Lisa]

beautiful post.

[The Lawyer Mom]

Good job, Gretchen. Very compelling. I'm glad she has your friendship.

[Wendi]

You're both lucky to have each other.

Off to make a donation.

Wendi

[Sprite's Keeper]

Omigosh. I never expected to see a Spin like this. Melissa is truly a hero and an inspiration! Reading her story makes me want to be a better person. Thank you for telling us about her. I am truly humbled by how easy my life is and mortified by how little I actually think about it.
You're linked, Gretchen!

[Sarah at themommylogues]

I have a feeling this is going to keep me thinking for a while. None of us have promises or guarantees of time or health. That's how I want to mother my children. It hurts to think how often I brush my kids off so I can get a little more work done. Work can wait. I am a mother first.

Thanks for sharing her story!

[Becky]

Wow, a beautiful post and a beautiful lady. And a good lesson for me--I never know what other people are dealing with and I should not judge. Or gripe and complain. I will say a prayer that she has many more years of Beach Fridays to look forward to.

[Tater Mama]

Thank you for sharing her story. She sounds like an amazing person with an amazing spirit. What a joy your friendship must be to her.

This was very inspiring to read, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I needed to read it at this exact moment. :)

[Michele Renee]

Thank you for writing about your friend. It makes me want to do better.

[Jamie]

Beautiful. Thanks for inspiring me.

[Mama Badger]

Now you've gone and made me cry. What a beautiful homage to your friend. It's a grace that you have eachother.

[The Stiletto Mom]

You made me cry. What an amazing woman and friend...

[Amy]

Wonderful post, Gretchen. That's one helluva woman. Thank you for painting such a vivid picture of her, and reminding all of us of something so important. Clicking now...